Out of Breath (24 page)

‘What?’ Sara’s head jerked up.

‘I’ll be right back,’ I told her.

I held on to the only thing I had left … hope.

‘E
M, I NEED YOU TO GET UP.’

Her eyes opened, barely. She squinted up at me without a word, without showing any inclination to get up.

‘I’m serious,’ I said a little more firmly. ‘You need to get out of bed and come with me.’ She just lay there, staring at me like she didn’t understand a word I said. ‘Either get out of bed, or I’m carrying you.’

Her mouth dropped open. At least I knew she’d heard me.

‘Why?’ she croaked hoarsely.

‘Because I’m going to help you,’ I explained. ‘But I can’t do that until you get out of bed.’

Her eyes moved in contemplation. It was the most reaction we’d gotten out of her in days, other than crying.

‘You’re not going to leave me alone until I get out of bed, are you?’

‘Nope,’ I answered, trying not to smile, even though it was getting harder. ‘Trust me, Emma.’

She thought for a moment, took a deep breath and
pushed the blankets back. This time I couldn’t conceal my satisfaction.

‘Don’t look all proud of yourself,’ she grumbled, sliding her legs over the edge of the bed. I let out a quick laugh at her feistiness. It was a good sign, or a better one anyway.

‘Do you want to shower or anything first?’ I asked. Her hair was all knotted up on one side, and there were pillow crease lines on the side of her face. She’d been wearing the same clothes for two days, so I figured she’d want to feel … clean.

‘Nope,’ she said stubbornly. ‘You want me to get up, this is how you get me.’

I released a smile. ‘Okay, then. Let’s go.’

I turned towards the door.

‘We’re
leaving
?
’

‘Yeah. Are you sure you don’t want to wash up or brush your teeth?’ I suggested one more time.

She eyed me thoughtfully, trying to figure out what I was up to. I smiled wider and Emma’s eyes narrowed. ‘No, I’m fine.’

Her defiance made me laugh. She was never one to be told what to do, and that was one of the reasons I –

I turned towards the door, cutting that thought off before it had a chance to finish. It wasn’t why I was here, and I had to keep reminding myself that – though it wasn’t as easy to believe now.

Emma shuffled behind me. Her movements were stiff, probably from being twisted up in a ball for so long. We passed Sara in the living room, reading a magazine on the couch. She was trying so hard to appear casual, but I knew better. She was a wreck on the inside.

‘Have fun,’ she chimed with a smile.

Emma gave her a sideways glance. ‘Of course you’re in on this.’

I looked to Sara with a grin. The worry surfaced in her eyes for that second. She obviously wasn’t as confident as I was that this was going to work.

The light felt too bright when I walked out the front door, even though it was dusk. My entire body felt like it had been frozen and it was now slowly thawing. My head was still stuffed with cotton, and I felt so tired I could’ve laid down on the sidewalk and fallen asleep.

I rolled my eyes at the grin Evan couldn’t seem to lose, despite every glare I’d shot at him. I didn’t know why I was agreeing to this. But then again, I did. Because he’d asked me to trust him. And I’d never said no before.

I plopped down on the front seat of the convertible, and Evan shut the door after me. We drove the two minutes to the other house in silence. With Evan in the lead, glancing over his shoulder every so often, I dragged myself through the garage and up the stairs.

We continued to the second floor of the house and stood outside a closed door.

‘Close your eyes,’ he requested with a permanent grin.

My brows pulled together. ‘Are you serious?’

‘Yes.’ He nodded. ‘Close your eyes.’

I sighed and closed my eyes. A moment later I could feel fabric being wrapped around them.

‘Really?’ I shot at him in disbelief. Evan laughed. I would’ve rolled my eyes again if they were open.

‘Trust me,’ he said again. I stilled with those words. His words. My heart pounded faster just hearing them.

Evan took hold of my hand. His hand was warm and strong, wrapping mine within it. He gave it a small squeeze before saying, ‘Okay, take a few steps forward.’

I allowed him to guide me, unable to control the fit going on inside my chest.

We passed through the doorway and I led her to the centre of the room before letting go of her hand to shut the door. I waited a moment before I murmured quietly over her shoulder, ‘Breathe, Emma. Take a deep breath.’

She paused a moment, not understanding. Then I watched as she inhaled through her nose, filling her lungs while expanding her chest. She hesitated, as if she were surprised. Then she breathed in again, and the most stunning smile emerged on her face. It was the best reaction I could have hoped for.

Emma pulled the bandana down, and it fell around her neck. She took in the room around her and turned to me. For the first time, I swore I saw a hint of light in the soft brown of her eyes.

‘Thank you,’ she whispered.

I nodded, the lump in my throat making it challenging for me to speak as well. I swallowed and said, ‘Let it all out, Emma. Find your way back to us.’

Emma smiled brighter, causing me to do the same. ‘Okay,’ she said, and turned from me. I went back out the door, leaving her in the room.

I bit my lip as a tear slipped down my cheek. I inhaled, absorbing the calming scents once again. I had no idea how he’d done it, how he’d gotten the room to smell like it did, but it made my heart swell until I felt like it might burst.

Sitting on the stool, I studied the blank canvas,
remembering his words.
Let it all out, Emma
. Collecting myself with a quick breath, I twirled the paintbrush thoughtfully in my hand. The rest of Evan’s words settled within me.
Find your way back to us
. And a warmth spread through my body. I knew exactly what I was going to paint. I picked up a tube of paint, squirting the green along the palette.

I glanced around and noticed the small cooler with bottles of water and the tray that held a sandwich, a granola bar, and an apple. On the desk were a clean clothes to change into. My chest fluttered – a sensation I hadn’t felt in … years. At the same time, my stomach rumbled, and I picked up the granola bar as I continued to squirt colours on the palette. All I wanted to do was lose myself in the strokes of my brush. Gain control over the chaos that was tearing me apart. And find myself in the one place I would forever feel safe.

‘I got Sara’s note,’ Cole said when I answered the door.

‘Yeah, come on in.’ I walked back up the three steps into the living-room area.

‘So … where is she?’ Cole asked, glancing around uncomfortably.

‘Painting,’ I told him. He pulled his head back in confusion. ‘You didn’t know she painted?’

‘I don’t think she has in … well, since she left,’ Sara explained. She was sitting on the love seat with her legs curled under her. She’d paused the movie we were watching when we heard the knock at the door. ‘Evan thought that it would help her deal with her grief. That she could express herself through a paintbrush. It used to work for her in high school.’

‘Oh,’ Cole responded with a nod. ‘
You
thought of this.’

‘I did,’ I replied carefully. ‘It was a long shot. But it got her out of bed.’

‘That’s good, I guess.’

I knew he was still trying to figure out what my motives were, despite our conversation on the first night. And I couldn’t get a true sense of what his feelings were for Emma. I did know he wasn’t dealing very well with what had been happening the past couple of days.

‘She’s upstairs, if you want to see her,’ Sara told him.

Cole glanced up the stairs, his hands shoved in his front pockets. ‘Have you been up there?’ Sara shook her head. ‘Then I’ll just wait too. Will you call me when she comes down?’

‘Sure,’ Sara answered.

‘Thanks.’ He turned and walked out the door.

Sara looked to me with her eyebrows raised, ‘Umm … awkward.’ I shrugged and plopped back down on the couch so we could continue watching the movie.

‘You can go to bed if you want,’ Sara said to me as I started to nod off on the couch. The screen was flashing baseball highlights. I hadn’t slept much in the past few days, and it was taking its toll. I was fighting every blink to keep my eyes open.

‘No, it’s okay,’ I said, shifting to try to appear more alert than I was.

‘Evan, you can go sleep in an actual bed,’ Sara continued. ‘You don’t have to hang out on the couch. It’s after two in the morning.’

I glanced up at the stairs. She was still up there … painting whatever it was that she was painting. We hadn’t heard from her since I’d shut the door, except the couple of times she’d come into
the hall to use the bathroom. But neither of us had looked in on her, wanting to give her space to … heal.

‘You can go to bed too,’ I told Sara. ‘There’s more than one guest room.’ Her red-rimmed eyes made it apparent that she was just as tired.

She shrugged dismissively and turned her attention back to the book that was open on her lap. Neither one of us wanted to leave the couch. It was the best vantage point to hear the door open and close, and to be visible when she finally walked down those stairs.

I stepped back to admire the image I’d created and smiled proudly. Every stroke on the canvas pulsed with emotion. My eyes blurred, and my hands shook slightly from the lingering adrenaline that had possessed me, keeping me focused throughout the night.

But when I set down the brush, all of the energy drained from me. I was exhausted. I held up my paint-covered hands. I definitely needed to shower, especially since I hadn’t in almost three days. Suddenly I felt disgusting.

I scooped up the clothes from the desk and crept into the hall. I could hear the television and see the light that shone at the bottom of the stairs. Evan must’ve gotten up early, per usual. I would never understand how a person could enjoy mornings so much.

I jumped up at the sound of the door clicking shut. My feet hit the floor, and Sara jolted awake.

‘What?’ she blurted, pushing her hair out of her face as she sat up. ‘What is it?’

The sound of the shower filtered down the stairs.

‘She’s done,’ I announced, pushing the blanket off my lap and taking the stairs two at a time.

‘Evan, wait for me!’

We entered the office with the huge glass windows that overlooked the ocean. I thought it would be the perfect inspiration for her painting. But when I saw the canvas, it didn’t appear she’d needed the inspiration after all.

I looked over at Sara. ‘I like it,’ I declared, beaming at the image in front of me. The sun’s bright rays filtering through the leaves made me want to squint. With the heavy strokes of the bark, I could imagine dragging my fingertips along the rough texture.

‘Of course you do,’ Sara stated, shooting me a look out of the corner of her eye. ‘She painted the tree in
your
back yard with the swing
you
made for her.’

‘Yes she did,’ I gloated.

Sara released a short laugh.

I stood before the canvas, admiring what Emma had unleashed. She’d gone back to the one place that would always be waiting for her.

M
Y HEAD WAS CLEAR AND QUIET. ALL I COULD
hear was the deep rhythm of my breathing. My heart thumped at a rapid pace in my chest. If I could just push a little harder, maybe I’d be able to escape and allow the light to soak through my skin. Maybe it wouldn’t be so dark any more.

I dug my feet into the sand and sprinted faster, ignoring the plea of my burning muscles. I absorbed the calm as the sun cut through the morning gloom.
Just a little faster
.

The stairs climbing up the hillside came into view, and I extended my stride. I gave it everything I had until there was nothing left, fuelled by desperation. I picked out a smooth grey rock thrust into the sand. This would be my end point. This would be where I’d find redemption. As I crossed it, I faltered to a stop, my lungs heaving. I rested my hands on my hips and walked back and forth, trying to calm my pounding heart.

As much as I wanted to believe I could outrun the
darkness, I knew it was still there, ready to take me. Redemption didn’t wait for me here. But the exertion was enough to provide a sliver of the solace that I sought, at least until night fell and the whispers started again.

I turned around just as Evan stumbled to a stop, bending over and resting his hands on his thighs. ‘Holy shit,’ he gasped. ‘You can never convince me you’re not a morning person again.’

A glimpse of a smile appeared between his panting breaths.

‘I’m
not
a morning person.’

Evan tilted his head up at me sceptically, sweat dripping from his nose.

‘I’m a person who can’t sleep,’ I explained, taking a deep breath to quicken my recovery.

Evan nodded in understanding.

My eyes drifted down, not sure if he really did. I didn’t like the restlessness that chased away the sleep. The thoughts that crept into my head when all I wanted was to think of nothing. They weren’t nightmares but whispers that haunted me in the dark, not letting me rest, not letting me go, not allowing me to forget.

‘Sorry I didn’t stop by yesterday,’ Evan said, redirecting my attention.

‘It’s okay,’ I responded, trying to sound unaffected, though I’d spent most of the day wondering where he was. My distraction hadn’t gone unnoticed by either Cole or Sara. I’d tried to play it off as still being tired from everything that had happened in the past week. But Sara knew better, although she hadn’t confronted me yet.

‘You’re coming to the party later today, right?’ Evan asked, walking towards the stairs.

My cheeks reddened at the thought of seeing his friends again. ‘Yeah, we’ll be over later.’

‘Okay,’ he said from the bottom of the stairs, hesitating before turning away.

‘Evan,’ I called to him, making him pause a few steps up. ‘We didn’t get to talk for a few days, so we technically have eleven days left. We can now … if you want to.’ We hadn’t exchanged a moment of honesty since the beginning of the week. I didn’t know why I offered. It’s not like I enjoyed torturing myself, recounting all of the destructive choices I’d made.

‘No.’ Evan shook his head. ‘I don’t want to do that any more.’ I opened my mouth, not expecting his response. ‘I don’t hate you, Emma, and I don’t want to. And I’m not going to force you to tell me things that you don’t want to tell me. Of course I want to know why you left, and what kept you away. But only if you want to tell me.’

‘Okay,’ I whispered, my chest tightening with his concession.

‘I’ll see you later,’ Evan said, and began climbing the stairs.

I nodded, then walked back towards Cole’s. My feet suddenly felt very heavy. I should’ve been relieved that he wasn’t going to force me to open up any more. But I wasn’t. I didn’t understand it. It almost felt like he was … done. I hadn’t expected him to give up so easily. But that’s what he’d wanted from the beginning – closure. I drew in a quick breath, my heart twisting at the thought of it. I should’ve been prepared for this. But I wasn’t.

‘How was your run?’ Nate asked, sipping a cup of coffee at the kitchen counter.

‘Pretty good,’ I answered, the corner of my lip creeping up.

‘What’s that look for?’ he demanded, knowing me too well. ‘Let me guess. You didn’t run by yourself?’

‘No.’ I laughed lightly. ‘I ran with Emma, and it was … good.’ My mouth released the smile it was trying to hide. ‘She’s amazing out there when she runs. I don’t know how to describe it.’ I got lost in the image of her lean, strong legs propelling her forward, as if she could run forever. It was the only time she ever appeared to be at peace. I pulled my shoulders back in surprise when someone patted me on the back.

‘Good morning,’ Brent said brightly. Brent was always way too
awake
, no matter what time it was. ‘What are we doing today?’

‘Uh, getting ready for a party,’ Nate told him like he was an idiot. ‘The inventory in the closet downstairs is low. We need to go shopping. And I have no idea where the tiki torches went, so we may have to pick up new ones.’

‘What’s the theme?’ Brent asked, pouring coffee into a mug.

‘Summer,’ Nate replied simply. ‘That’s a good enough theme for me. But we’re starting early, so it’ll be a pool party.’

‘So the ladies will come sit by the pool wearing their bikinis,’ Brent stated, nodding while wearing an obnoxious smile. ‘Genius.’

‘That’s all you think about,’ I said, grabbing a sports drink out of the refrigerator.

‘Yeah, it is.’ He looked at me like I was crazy. ‘You wait until you see the girls show up wearing practically nothing, and tell me you’re not thinking about it too.’

Nate glanced at me and smirked. ‘He won’t be thinking about it.’

I glared at him. ‘Shut up, Nate.’

‘What’s going on?’ Brent asked.

‘Emma’s here,’ Nate said, making Brent choke on his coffee.

‘If you’re not going to stop sulking, then I’m leaving you here,’ Sara scolded while curling my hair.

‘I’m not sulking. And I want to go.’ Oddly enough, I did. I twisted my fingers nervously in my lap, anxious about seeing the guys … about seeing Evan again.

‘Something happened, and you’re not telling me. I know –’

‘The two weeks are over,’ I blurted, watching her reaction in the mirror, hating the fact that I was so transparent to her.

‘Uh, no they’re not,’ Sara responded in confusion. ‘You have like ten days left.’

‘He said he didn’t want to do it any more,’ I replied quietly. ‘So … it’s over.’

Sara stood still, the curling iron in her hand, examining me in the mirror. ‘And why does that make you so upset? I would figure you’d be relieved not to have to confess everything you should have told him the first time around.’

I made a face and opened my mouth to deny that it bothered me, but I knew she wouldn’t believe me. I connected with her blue eyes in the mirror and shrugged. And that’s all she needed. She smiled consolingly. ‘It’s not over, Emma.’

‘Hey,’ Cole hollered from the living room, causing us both to jump. ‘What time are we heading over there?’

‘Uh, we’ll be out in a few minutes,’ I yelled back, flashing my eyes guiltily at Sara.

‘You’re not
dating
,’ she stated.

‘Sara!’

‘What? They’re
your
words,’ she said innocently.

I sighed. This was about to get even more complicated. ‘You officially look gorgeous,’ Sara announced, admiring me through the mirror. ‘Now let’s go and have a ridiculously good time. We haven’t laughed nearly enough this summer.’

I smiled, inspecting her work. ‘Thank you, Sara.’ I turned towards her on the stool we’d taken from the kitchen. ‘For everything.’

Sara smiled back. I jumped down and slid on a pair of wedged sandals. ‘Let’s go.’

‘Evan, can you grab me more Coronas?’ Nate hollered from across the pool. I nodded and excused myself through the bare shoulders and surf shorts towards the downstairs entrance. The crowd parted for me again when I returned a few minutes later with a couple of cases stacked in my arms.

‘I always love your parties,’ a girl beside the bar sighed to Nate as I shoved bottles into tubs of ice.

‘We like it when you show up, Reese,’ Nate returned genuinely, not boldly flirtatious. A moment later I heard, ‘Shit, Evan.’

‘What?’ I stood up, expecting to have to intervene in a fight or something. Nate was staring up at the deck, so I followed his eyes … and lost my breath.

‘Dude, you’re in trouble,’ he muttered, still staring.

I couldn’t deny it when I saw her walking behind Sara down the stairs. The pink and orange floral sarong hung low on her hips, splitting open to mid-thigh with each step to reveal a sculpted tan leg. The strapless orange top clung to her body, revealing just a hint of bronze skin around her waist. Her
usually straight hair was tossed in curls, with one side pinned up by a pink flower. I stared way too long as they made their way towards us – until I felt Nate’s elbow in my ribs, jolting me out of my ogling.

My eyes connected with Emma’s, and I grinned. ‘Hi, Em. You look great.’

‘Thanks,’ she responded, dipping her eyes while a flush of red flooded her cheeks.

‘Hey, Evan,’ Sara greeted me, a question looming in her eyes. It confused me.

She made me feel like I’d done something wrong. I held my hands up and mouthed, What?

Sara answered with a withering glance. Emma looked towards Sara and back to me, catching the end of our exchange.

‘What can I get you to drink, Emma?’ Nate finally asked, breaking the awkward tension.

‘Umm …’ I examined Sara for a second longer, as she tried to hide whatever had just happened between her and Evan. ‘What’s that?’ I asked, pointing to a girl behind Sara carrying a pink drink.

‘That’s a pink lemonade drink we came up with for today,’ Nate said.

‘I’ll have one of those,’ I requested – and saw Evan’s eyebrows rise.

My cheeks flared up recollecting the last time he’d seen me drink. ‘We talked about it,’ Sara said, intervening. Sara and I’d made a pact before we left, and I assured her that I could drink responsibly. Now was my chance to prove it.

Nate made Sara and I each a pink drink with a neon green straw and a tiny umbrella. ‘Thanks, Nate.’ I couldn’t look at Evan for more than a second. My cheeks were
about to catch fire when I saw him behind the bar without his shirt on. I was warned this was a pool party, but I wasn’t prepared for
that
. It was the first time I’d seen him shirtless since I’d arrived in California, and he’d put on some … muscle in two years. I took a breath to cool my cheeks and scanned the pool. ‘Wow, there’s a lot of girls here. And they’re practically naked.’

Sara laughed and pulled me after her to find a spot in the shade. We sat on two chairs under an umbrella, sipping our drinks among the oiled bodies splayed around the pool and floating on rafts atop the water. I hadn’t realized they made swimsuits that
small.
My eyes widened at the sight of a girl with a string covering only the parts that mattered. Then she turned around, and I realized it didn’t cover all of them.

‘Does a string up your butt qualify as a bathing suit?’

‘Well, she can wear whatever she wants with a body like that,’ Sara said, unfazed.

Cole joined us after stopping to talk to a few people he knew. He hung his shirt off the back of a chair and pulled it up next to me, but out from under the shade of the umbrella. He was drawing some attention of his own, and the girls weren’t exactly being subtle about it.

‘Have you been to these parties before?’ I asked him, shocked at how obvious the girls around us were being.

‘It’s California,’ he replied, unaffected.

‘Seriously?’ I questioned, making an effort to close my mouth.

Cole chuckled. ‘This is your first pool party?’ I nodded. ‘Yeah, this is pretty typical around here.’

‘How can you not stare?’ I asked him, having a hard time not staring myself.

‘I’d rather not have it blatantly flaunted in front of me, especially when I’ve seen –’ His eyes ran the length of my body.

‘Okay, I got it,’ I interrupted him, adjusting my wrap to cover my exposed leg as Sara just about choked on her drink. Cole laughed, and he leaned over and kissed me gently. Peeking out of the corner of my eye to make sure Evan wasn’t watching, I barely moved my lips to return his kiss. Cole pulled back with a confused expression.

I darted my eyes around with a rise of my eyebrows, trying to make it appear I was uncomfortable with the PDA.

‘Yeah, sorry,’ he said, leaning back in the chair.

Sara took a sip of her drink concealing her slight grin, but not before I saw it.

I couldn’t help but look for her. No matter who I was talking to, or where I was, I’d keep glancing around the room, or the deck, or the patio, seeking her out. Cole caught me more than once, which made it more than awkward.

‘You’re Evan, right?’ I turned my head away from Emma, who was leaning against the railing, sipping the drink in her hand, and focused on the tall blonde in front of me.

‘Uh, yeah. Can I get you a drink?’ I asked, wondering when
TJ
was returning to take over for me behind the bar.

‘Will you do a shot with me?’ she asked, leaning over and setting her elbows on the bar so that I’d get of view of …everything.

I kept my eyes on hers, not tempted to look anywhere else.

‘It’s still too early for me to do a shot, sorry,’ I told her, causing her to pout, which was anything but attractive. ‘Do you want one anyway?’

‘I suppose,’ she sulked. ‘Tequila.’ I poured the clear liquid in a plastic shot glass and set it in front of her with a lime. ‘My name is Kendra, by the way.’

‘Nice to meet you, Kendra,’ I responded with a false smile.

‘You have amazing eyes,’ she flirted, slowly licking the back of her hand and pouring salt on it.

‘Thanks,’ I replied, looking past her to find Emma waiting behind her, her eyes darting around uneasily. I grinned.