Out Bad (5 page)

As much as he knew it was wrong to admit, he wanted a
traditional type of relationship.  He wanted his wife to be able to stay
home with their children while he worked his ass off for them, giving them
everything he could. 

If what Gabbi was saying really was true, Gwen was not the
type of woman who would be interested in his plan.

Heath stuck his head around the corner.  “Honey, are
there more napkins?”

Gabbi patted his knee and gave him a kind smile before
heading into the kitchen behind her husband. 

Joe stayed on the couch for a minute digesting all she’d
said and wondering what happened to Gwen that changed her life so
dramatically.  What in her past could make her abandon any ideas about not
only marriage and family, but even dating? 

Eventually, he joined the rest of the group, making himself
a plate with what little remained of the food he’d been so excited to enjoy,
but somewhere along the line his appetite deserted him. 

The air outside must have cooled down a bit and part of the
crowd had moved to the back yard.  He took his plate and a beer from the
fridge and headed out back to sit on the deck.  Hopefully the fresh air
would help clear his mind. 

All the chairs were full so he propped up against the rail
overlooking the yard.  Heath and Gabbi’s girls were on their
playset
along with all the other kids from the party,
giggling and screaming and having a ball. 

In the center of the happy chaos was one grown-up. 
Running around, pushing swings, catching little ones as they went down the
slide and, if the smile on her face was any indication, having just as much fun
as the kids.

Joe took a big bite of pulled pork, suddenly feeling a
little more hungry, and optimistic.  Maybe Gabbi didn’t know her sister as
well as she thought she did.

Gwen pushed Caroline in the swing, her niece cackling away
as she crept higher and higher into the air.  She took advantage of the
momentum she’d worked up and took a break to peel her hair off her sticky
neck.  She ran her fingers through it, working the length into a knot on
the top of her head and wrapping an elastic band around the base.  The
evening had cooled off, but playing with the girls had her starting to sweat.

“Auntie Gwen push me!”

She gave the little girl a light shove.  She was still
pretty high up and Gwen wasn’t so sure Caroline's swinging abilities would keep
her little butt in place.  The last thing Heath needed for his birthday
was a trip to the emergency room.

As she stepped to the side to get a good look at just how
high her niece was swinging, Gwen caught a tall dark figure in her peripheral
vision.  The sight of Joe watching from the deck, his large body propped
against the railing, made her stomach clench. 

She turned all her attention back to pushing Caroline gently
on the swing, hoping he would go back inside and she could once again enjoy
this time with the girls instead of fighting the distraction his presence
caused.

A shiver crept up her spine.  Not from fear, but
something else.  An emotion that she hadn’t felt in so long, it was
surprising she could identify it at all. 

Excitement.

Unfortunately, that feeling didn't come alone.  It
brought a not so appealing friend.  Fear.

Gwen took a deep breath as she tried to refocus her
attention on Caroline.  She and her sister were two of the biggest reasons
she decided to move back home, ready or not.  Until a few days ago, she
was feeling pretty good about where she was and how she was feeling about being
back.  Now she wasn't so sure and there was one big reason why, and that
reason was staring right at her.  Gwen felt heat creeping slowly up her
chest and over her face.  She needed a minute.

 “Honey, Auntie Gwen needs to go potty.” 

She made sure Caroline was on solid ground before dashing up
the steps and busting through the back door.  The cool air barely hit her
face before she felt the door come to an abrupt stop, the knob still firmly
tucked into her palm.

Her sister grunted on the other side of the door.  “
Gwennie
, how did you not see me?  The door’s freaking
glass?”

Gabbi stepped back and pulled the door the rest of the way
open.  Her eyes widened when she saw Gwen.  “You okay?  You look
really flushed.”

The cool air of the air-conditioned house was already making
her feel a little better.  "I think so.  Just a little
hot."  She backed toward the front of the house.  "I'm
going to go to the bathroom and I'll be back to help you clean up."

She turned before Gabbi could say anything and dashed
away.  A few minutes later her bladder was empty, she'd checked her e-mail
from her phone and scheduled a meeting for tomorrow, and was feeling much
better.  More in control.

The house was quiet.  Everyone was in the backyard
enjoying a brief break in the stifling July heat.  Gwen stood in the
kitchen surveying the damage.

Calling it a mess was a serious understatement.  It
looked like a bomb had gone off.  A bomb filled with mashed potatoes and
gravy.  And macaroni and cheese.  But right now it was easier to deal
with than what she might find outside.

She searched through cabinets until she found a box of black
garbage bags.  The first bag filled quickly with stacks of used paper
plates, napkins and cups.  She tied it off and set it beside the door,
fighting the urge to peek outside.

Instead, she quickly went back to work.  Her sister had
spent days getting ready for this party and it would be a nice surprise for her
to not have to deal with the aftermath too. 

As Gwen sorted the remaining food, packing any leftovers up
and piling serving spoons in the sink she felt better and better.  Moving back
was the right decision.  Staying away wouldn't change what happened in the
past, but it would change what would be in her future, and more than anything
she wanted her sister and her nieces to be a big part of her life.

By the time everything was organized and lined up, the knot
in her stomach was gone and for the first time in a long time she felt
happy.  Happy to be being a good sister.  Happy to be back near her
family and happy to feel like she was finally, finally moving forward.

She hummed to herself as she flipped on the hot water. 
The stack of empty disposable aluminum pans almost touched the underside of the
upper cabinets and the idea of throwing them in the trash was ridiculous. 
She grabbed the top pan, rinsed the crusty bits of food out and stacked it in
the pile to go to the recycling bin.

"Mind if I help?"

She stopped mid-hum and mid-rinse.

Joe stepped into her line of sight.  "I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to scare you."

If he only knew how right he was.

She shook her head as she finished rinsing the pan in her
hands.  "I just thought everyone was outside."

"What do you need me to do?"

He had no clue how complicated the answer to his question
really was.  On one hand, she needed him to disappear.  It would make
things much easier for her right now.  On the other hand, she needed him
to stay.  Maybe even wanted him to stay.

She needed a happy medium.

"Could you take those trash bags to the
can?"  She pointed at the three bags she'd stacked by the outside
door.

"I would love to."  And he was gone. 
And she didn't know if she felt better, or worse.

Confused.  Definitely confused.  More than a
little.

This time, she heard the door open as he came back in the
house.  "Is this all recycling?"  His voice was quiet but
strong beside her.

She dared a glance his way as she nodded.  His head was
tipped down, his hair loose around his face, his eyes on her.  He smiled,
watching her for a second longer before grabbing the pile of aluminum and
plastic and heading back out the door.

The door opened again and she held her breath.  Loud
voices filled the house as the crowd filed back in, this time to say their
goodbyes. 

"
Gwennie
, you didn't have to
do this."  Gabbi looked around the kitchen, then back at Gwen. 
"But I really appreciate it."

Gwen wrung out the dishrag over the sink and started wiping
down the counters.  "I figured the last thing you'd feel like doing
tonight was cleaning up this mess and I had the time."  She glanced
up as Joe came in through the back door, chatting with Heath and a few other
men.

"And Joe helped, so it wasn't that big of a deal."

"Oh."  Gabbi's voice was quiet.

They stood quietly as Gwen continued to gather bits of food
into a pile in the middle of the counter with long swipes of the rag. 
Years of unsaid words hung in the air until the silence became overwhelming.

"It was a good party Gab."  Gwen smiled at
her sister as she pushed the pile of debris off the edge and into her cupped
hand.

Gabbi nodded, her face still serious. 
"Thanks."

"Wife," Heath's arm came around Gabbi's shoulders,
"you throw one hell of a party."  He planted a kiss on her
forehead.  "Thank you."

Gwen watched as her sister smiled up at him, but the love
and adoration in his eyes as he looked down at her was too much.  Gwen
turned away, feelings she both hated and missed smothering out the happiness
she should feel for them.

"People are starting to leave baby.  We should say
goodbye."

"Okay."  Gabbi leaned into Gwen's back, her
hands resting on her shoulders.  "I'll be back to help you finish
up."

Saying goodbye took longer than Gabbi must have expected
because Gwen was finished cleaning the kitchen and walking out the back door to
dump the last of the trash and her sister was nowhere in sight.

Gwen checked her watch as she rounded the house to dump the
trash.  It was after nine-thirty.  That explained the darkness
falling quickly across the neighborhood.  It also explained why she was
exhausted.  Part of the reason anyway.

She dumped the trash and was climbing the steps of the deck
when a newly familiar scent caught her attention.

"I would have taken that out for you Gwen."

The sound of his voice saying her name, the fact that he
remembered her name at all, was enough to make the feelings of excitement from
earlier flare up.  Unfortunately, the sight of Joe waiting for her at the
top of the steps pushed that excitement dangerously close to the edge of fear,
leaving her teetering, uncertain which was worse.    

She took a breath, then swallowed, hoping to relieve the
dryness suddenly taking over her throat.  "It's okay.  I can
take trash out."

She stopped at the top of the steps, knowing she shouldn't,
but wanting to see how it felt to be close to him now that she was expecting
it.

He looked down at her, seeming so much taller than
before.  "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should have
to."

****

 Gwen left the stereo off as she drove home, the only
sound inside her car was the quiet blowing of the air conditioner.  She
watched as the lines of the road flicked past.  What in the hell was she
doing?

Was she some sort of glutton for punishment, or worse, was
she trying to substitute one biker for another?

A tear crept from the outer corner of her left eye. 
She scrubbed it away, blinking hard to prevent her emotions from taking any
more liberties.

Then she laughed.

If she was trying to find an in-kind replacement, Joe was
about as far off as she could manage.  The only connecting fiber so far
was choice of transportation.

Jason was many things.  Many wonderful things, none of
them like the quiet, serious biker making her move home a little more difficult
than she'd hoped.

Gwen pulled into her garage and shut the driver's door
before turning to grab her bag from the back.  Her hand paused on the
handle as her eyes fell on the canvas covered relic tucked neatly inside the
closing garage door.

She stood, trying to talk herself out of what she was
considering.  Revisiting the past might only make things worse.  It
was over.  Done.  Would never be again.  Dwelling would only
give strength to feelings she was already struggling to contain. 
  

But for some self-abusive reason, she had to see it. 
Had to remember there was a time her life was different.  A time when she
was different.

 Instead of getting her bag and going inside, she
walked the few feet, grabbed two fistfuls of thick fabric and gently
lifted.  The canvas fell into a heap on the floor.  She stared at the
bike, Jason's bike, waiting. 

She gently touched her fingers to the pristine chrome. 
It was cool and smooth under her touch.  She stepped closer, letting her
fingers drag across the seat, remembering when there was no place she would
rather be than tucked at the back of the black leather cushion behind the man
she loved with her whole heart.

She grabbed the handles and swung her leg over, settling
down into the last place the man who was supposed to be her husband was
alive. 

It was the first time she'd looked at the bike since his
brothers rebuilt it in the shop he owned after the accident.  They
delivered it to her garage and she'd covered it up, worried the sight of it
would be more than she could handle.  Make her think.  Make her
remember.

And it did make her think, but not about the man she
expected. 

She quickly got off the bike and hauled the cover back over
it.  Grabbing her bag out of the back seat, she shut the door and ran
inside, refusing to look back.

****

Joe pulled up in front of the small ranch style house. 
He grabbed his work bag from the back and made his way to the front door,
dodging small toys and stepping around rainbows chalked on the cement front
porch.

The door opened before he had a chance to knock.  A
young mother stood in the doorway with a baby on her hip and a toddler clinging
to her leg.  He smiled, hoping it would make him seem less intimidating to
the small boy who looked up at him with wide eyes.

"I'm Joe.  I heard you needed some help."

A few minutes later, he pulled a wad of linty sludge out of
the kitchen sink and tucked it in the garbage can beside the counter. 
"That was a pretty wicked clog."

The young woman's eyes wouldn't meet his.  "That's
where I do laundry."  Her voice was a quiet mix of embarrassment and
shame.

Joe nodded silently.  He wanted to tell her he'd seen
this before.  That hers wasn't the only family struggling, but it wouldn't
matter. 

The baby wrapped a long strand of his mother's hair around
his drool covered fingers, his grip eventually making her wince.

"He's a pretty strong little guy."  Joe
smiled at the chubby baby and gave him a finger wave.  He was rewarded
with a gummy grin.

He looked back at the woman.  She was cooing at the
baby as she unwound her hair from his tiny fist.

"If I could get you a washer, would that help
you?"

Her eyes snapped to his for the first time since he'd
arrived.  For a second she stared at him, probably waiting for the
condition that came with his offer.

"It's used, but it works.  I just happened in to
it, so I would just give it to you.  No charge.  I can drop it off
for you later this week if that's okay."

The woman nodded and looked down just as the tears rimmed
her eyes.  "That would be nice.  Thank you."

"Happy to give it a home where it will get some
use."

Joe packed up his stuff, leaving two suckers on the counter,
and headed to his van.  He checked the time.  It was 6:30.  That
meant he would have to hurry.

Thirty minutes later, he was out of the used appliance
store, a well-maintained washer in the back of his van.