Our Little Secret (33 page)

Their door is closed. I hear low voices beyond.

I go into my room, feeling injustice rising up in me. How can she treat me like this, after what happened between us? How can Edward let her?

I’m trapped. Trapped by this insufferable situation, but also by a longing I can’t shake.

I can’t bear to think of them together next door. Are they talking about me? What if they confide in one another? What then? Is Edward just going to pretend everything is normal? I feel the weight of the pretence we’re playing at like it’s a physical burden.

I get up and open the window, hoping to let in a cool breeze, but the night is still. I hear a noise and turn to see the door handle of my room turn, and I hold my breath.

76

It’s Edward. He’s got away. I’m so relieved to see him, I race across the room and throw myself into his arms.

‘Hey,’ he says as I plant small kisses all over his face.

He laughs gently and takes my face in his hands and stares at me. Then he leans down and kisses me.

‘Oh, Sophie,’ he breathes.

Even before I open my eyes, I know she’s there. I sense her in the doorway, watching us. I pull away quickly from Edward and put my hand on my chest. She’s wearing a thin white negligee from her collection and she’s naked beneath it. She looks amazing in the warm light from the hallway, all her curves backlit.

‘Don’t let me stop you,’ she says, walking towards us. Her eyes are blazing.

Oh God, this is a nightmare. She’s found us. The truth is out, but I suddenly sense something else going on.

It’s Edward. He’s smiling, watching her. And, in that moment, I realize.

Oh my God. She knows. She knows about Edward and me. Has she known all along?

‘You told her?’ I ask Edward. ‘I thought . . . I thought it was our secret.’

He stares right back, kind of sympathetically, and then takes my hand and I realize the absurdity of the statement. There never was our little secret. He wouldn’t keep a secret from Marnie.

‘Actually, it was me,’ Marnie says, glancing at Edward. ‘I told him about us. About what happened in the studio.’

Oh my God. She told him that?

I don’t know how to respond. Of course I know why she told him. How she felt our secret was too big to keep. I’ve been feeling like that, too. But I still feel caught out. I feel completely naked. I can feel my legs shaking.

She reaches Edward, and he puts his arm around her shoulder.

‘You OK?’ Edward asks her and kisses her hair.

She puts her arms around him and touches his chest. She’s staring at me. Her eyes are bright and sparkling, but I see her hand is shaking, too. I’ve never seen her like this before. She looks like I feel – frightened.

‘Now we’re at this moment, it’s quite scary, isn’t it? Quite . . . well . . .’ She bites her lip, her eyes glittering at me and then up at Edward.

‘Only because it’s up to Sophie now,’ Edward says, smiling back at her and then at me.

They both stare at me, and my breath catches. Because I suddenly see what they’re suggesting. What they’ve discussed.

Oh my God. What they’ve
planned
.

Because that’s why we’re here. I see that now. Everything that has happened has been leading up to this moment. To the three of us . . . being here . . . together.

‘If you want this, then it has to be your choice,’ Edward says. His voice is serious.

‘Ed’s right, darling,’ Marnie says. ‘It’s up to you.’

77

The moment stretches, as I stare at them both.

It’s Marnie who breaks the silence with a nervous laugh.

‘It doesn’t have to be awkward, if you don’t want it to happen. We have rather sprung it on you. Just say, and we’ll go.’

It. Us. All three of us. That’s what she means. I look at Edward and see him staring intently at us both. I feel absolutely terrified. I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe that they’re suggesting what they are suggesting.

But at the same time, why wouldn’t they? If they both know everything? In some ways, it’s a relief. It’s a relief that I’m not storing up this huge secret any more. It’s out in the open. We’re out.

But this is completely new territory.

New and thrilling. Despite myself, the idea of a threesome with them starts to take shape in my mind and, even though I can’t make sense of it mentally, my body can physically. I glance again at Marnie in her negligee and how hot she looks, and I think of what we did together – only with Ed watching and participating – and my breath catches.

Marnie takes a step towards me. Wordlessly she leans down and kisses me softly on the lips. ‘It’s OK. You’re in charge here.’

I can’t breathe. I stare at them both.

‘Am I?’ I manage, because I don’t believe her for a second.

‘Of course you are. We’re totally at your mercy,’ Marnie says. ‘We both want you. That’s all there is.’

Marnie is very competitive. Especially with me.
Edward’s comment rings in my ears and I feel like I’m starting to grasp a much bigger picture, as if I’m about to stumble into the light.

‘I don’t know what to say,’ I manage.

‘Then don’t say anything,’ Marnie says gently.

So I don’t. I break away from Marnie and I’m suddenly working on instinct alone. Because this is the only thing that feels right. The only honest thing to do. I go to Edward and reach up and kiss him. I want Marnie to watch us. I want her to see how much he means to me. That, whatever she thinks is between me and Edward, it’s more.

We share a deep kiss, and then Edward pulls away.

‘Oh God, I love that,’ Marnie says. ‘I love watching you kiss. It’s so beautiful.’

She smiles at me and I can tell that she means it. That she’s not laying claim to Edward, but to me. She’s not jealous. She wants me.

And as I stare at her in her negligee, knowing it would only take one word for me to crush her, to reject her, instead I feel a surge of affection for her. She’s taught me so much, and now I want her here on the next bit of this crazy journey.

‘Sophie, darling, are you sure? We don’t want to force you. This has to be your decision,’ Edward says. I can see him staring at me and Marnie, trying to fathom out our sexual connection, too.

I try, but fail, to imagine the conversations that have led them both to this moment, to being this cool . . . because they are being cool. They are propositioning me in the most natural, flattering way, and all I have to do is say yes.

But the decision isn’t mine – it’s my body’s, which has already responded. I feel hot and sexual as I stand between them both and they wait.

‘I want it,’ I breathe, reaching out my hand to Marnie. Because I do. Oh God, I do.

Marnie’s hand slides into mine and she smiles stupidly.

‘Then, for God’s sake, let’s do this thing properly,’ Marnie says, breaking the tension. ‘Let’s celebrate with some champagne. We all need a drink. I’m so nervous.’

Ed laughs and I laugh, too. Marnie squeezes my hand.

Nothing has happened, but everything has, as we go to the small condo kitchen. Edward opens a bottle of champagne, whilst Marnie puts on her iPod and plays funky, cool music. Is this her threesome soundtrack, I wonder? I can’t believe this is happening.

Edward pours three glasses and we clink them together.

‘This is going to be the best night of our lives,’ Marnie says.

Edward smiles. ‘I’ll drink to that.’

And I can’t help it. A nervous laugh bubbles up inside me. ‘How does it work?’

Marnie takes the champagne from my hand and puts it down. Then she comes behind me and slides the robe from my shoulder and it falls by my feet, so that I’m bared to Edward, as if she’s presenting a concubine. I’m trembling all over with excitement. Her hands caress my shoulders and she kisses my neck as Edward watches. I feel him devouring my naked body with his eyes, but it feels wonderful. I turn my head and kiss Marnie on the lips.

Quickly, Edward takes off his T-shirt. He’s in his shorts and I can see his erection straining against the fabric. I put my hand out and stroke his chest. He smiles softly at me and strokes my face, like he’s cherishing me and drinking me in.

Marnie goes to him and eases the elastic shorts over him until he’s free. She looks at me and looks down at Edward. Then she takes my hand and puts it around his stiffness, so that I’m gripping him. He moans gently. Then she smiles and kneels and pulls my hand towards her, so that she can take his tip in her mouth. Her eyes don’t leave mine as I watch him disappearing inside her lips.

I kneel too and she offers him to me and smiles at me, and we kiss and lick our tongues over the end of his shaft, and Edward puts his hand over his face and moans.

And I smile at Marnie and kiss her some more.

It’s begun.

78

I wake up alone. I’m on the sun lounger next to the pool in the cool morning air and a patchwork quilt is covering me. I squint up at the early morning sunlight and listen to the seagulls and the whoosh of the surf on the beach. I struggle up on the lounger and see a champagne bottle on its side by the pool.

I flop back down and run my hand over my hair, then slowly smile to myself as I remember last night.

Oh my God. Last night.

Snippets of it flash through my head.

That first time we all crashed onto the bed. How we all seemed to coordinate lying together, until we became more confident and started making requests.

How it was Edward’s turn first, and I knelt on all fours side-by-side with Marnie, as Edward stood behind us, taking it in turns to find us with his tongue. Then how he slowly dipped into one of us and then the other. How thrilling it felt for us to be consenting to this together, with no boundaries or fear.

And how Marnie and I wrapped together in a delicious sixty-nine as Edward watched, and then I touched Marnie as he slowly fucked her, and I kissed him deeply as he slid into his wife. How it was so intense and beautiful.

And later, I remember our laughter, how we drank and ate and then we sat here on this lounger, candles around the pool, soft jazz playing. How Edward sat behind me, his hands over my breasts, as we watched Marnie dance for us on the side of the pool. How beautiful she looked in the moonlight.

And how we all skinny-dipped and let our limbs tangle together in the water, and how we kissed. How Marnie watched as Edward and I made love on the sun lounger in front of her. How he filled me up, and how I feasted on her at the same time.

Marnie was right in her prediction. It was the best night of our lives. I know that. For them and for me.

Because what we had was beautiful and moving, and almost spiritual in its intensity. Like the three of us have been on a journey all by ourselves. In one way, I want to yell it from the rooftop and let everyone know how I feel, but I know that I can’t. That it won’t be possible ever to tell anyone what we experienced. But rather than feeling undone by our secret, like I have before, now that the three of us are all equal, I feel completely empowered. As if I’ve finally become what I wanted to be the first time I met Edward: a real woman.

But what will happen now, I wonder? How is it going to be between us all? What are the rules for this thing, now that the normal rules have been thrown out of the window?

All I know is that I want them both. That the intensity of our threesome has blasted open a sexual door for me and there will be no going back.

I yawn and stretch, then shiver in the cool morning air.

They must have gone downstairs, because we were all up here together when we finally fell asleep. I wrap the quilt around me and shuffle to the door.

The apartment is silent inside. Edward and Marnie must be asleep. I wonder why they didn’t wake me up to come inside with them.

‘Edward?’ I whisper, but an empty silence greets me. I creep down the corridor and stop. ‘Marnie?’

Their bedroom door is open. The bed is made, like it hasn’t been slept in. The curtains are open. Sunlight is pouring in. I look the other way. My bedroom door is open, too. The bed in there has been made as well.

And then I see something that makes me gasp. My pink wheelie-case is upright next to the bed. My case from home – from Thousand Acres.

How the hell . . . ?

I’m both hot and shivery as I make it to the bed, where there is a thick white envelope with ‘Miss Henshaw’ written on the front of it. I open it up, and inside there’s what looks like thousands of dollars in cash. I’ve never seen so much money. I pull it out of the envelope and let the fifty- and hundred-dollar bills cascade to the floor.

I unfold the piece of paper, my eyes welling with tears:

I walk over to the window and peek out of the blind. On the street, a little way past the front lawn, is a yellow cab. Slowly I sink to the bed and read the rest of the letter, which shakes in my hand:

‘No!’ My anguished scream sends the seagulls into flight.

79

I’m hyperventilating and shaking as I put my case on the bed and unzip it. All of my clothes have been neatly packed. Marnie’s tissue-wrapped underwear is in. As well as the vibrator. Who packed all my stuff? When did they pack it?

Yesterday, after we’d left Thousand Acres, I guess, which means that the Parkers were always going to send me away. They knew they’d booked my flight and they had my bag on its way, even before Edward kissed me.

The knowledge of this – the betrayal of it – feels like a gunshot wound in my chest.