Our Last Time: A Novel (21 page)

"This is just, uh...my childhood, basically. I used to come here around this time after school. It was my daily ritual," he told me, as he grabbed my waist. We then started down a trail towards the train tracks.

"So, you had a thing for trains?"

"No, the tracks," he responded. "Walking on a train track in a straight line is difficult when you're on your own. It's easier with two people. Come here, let me show you," he said, grabbing my hand.

We approached the tracks, and he stood on one side as he motioned for me to stand on the other. "Walk with me," he smiled, turning his head.

We held our arms out at our sides, while still holding hands. "Give in to my weight so you won't fall. I've done this enough, I have plenty of balance at this point," he instructed, and so I listened to him as we walked across the tracks.

The setting is beautiful in the fall here, isn't it?" he spoke absently.

"The leaves and the trees and the calming colors..." I trailed off, sighing. "Very beautiful, yes."

"You remind me of fall," he smiled, staring straight ahead. "Naturally beautiful," he said quietly.

"You remind me of slice cheese..."

"Willow, goddammit," he muttered. "Why can't you-"

"Take a compliment?" I interrupted him, smiling smugly. "I can take a compliment, Wyatt, and I accept your compliments every time. Whether you think so, or not," I sighed. "You just...remind me of slice cheese."

"And why do I remind you of slice cheese, Willow? Hmm?" he asked curiously, but in a way like he hadn't believed me, and I was being ridiculous.

"You remind me of slice cheese, because you're almost too good to be real. You're too much to keep under my belt, though I crave you to be there anyway. Your tempting appearance made me first think that you could hurt me internally, but you satisfy me more through every minute. You get what I'm saying, right?" I had gone on.

"That's an odd comparison, but I'll take it," he exhaled. "I had no idea you had these kinds of feelings for slice cheese."

"Yeah, me and slice cheese go
way
back," I insisted.

He chuckled. "You're insanely adorable when you attempt to compliment me, you know that?"

"I don't have a clue. I think I'm a mess, honestly, but your acceptance is warming," I half-smiled, catching a brief glance at him.

We walked steadily for a few seconds in silence before he asked, "Do you want to try walking on your own, now?"

And of course, I had nodded my head slowly before saying the word, "Yes." I wanted to prove myself, I always had. In
any
situation, I wanted to succeed. So, I tried with Wyatt.

"Alright, on the count of three, I want you to let go of my hand, but still hold your arms out," he instructed.

"Okay." On the count of three, I had let go of his hand. I was wobbly, leaning forward absently as I tried not to lose my step.

"Stand up straighter," he said coolly. "Your posture has to be as close to perfect as possible. Take calm breaths, and just relax your muscles," he eased.

He was right. Standing up straighter as I walked, and keeping my breaths steady helped tremendously.

"That's it," he said, and I saw his smile.

We had done this for a while, until I nearly perfected my stance.

"Will this be our last time coming here?" I asked him, once it was time for us to leave, and catch the movie at the drive-in.

He lifted his eyebrows, turning his head towards me as we walked with our fingers laced.

"I certainly hope not," he replied.

And so, we had gotten in his jeep before leaving, slowly traveling down the same dirt road we had previously traveled on. It wasn't long before we were at the drive-in, buying popcorn at the concession stand, and then finally parking in the grass where we set the radio to the correct station.

We hopped in his backseat and cuddled, our jackets thrown over us like blankets as we watched the documentary. Occasionally, we would kiss.

When the credits rolled, we were exhausted. So, we shrugged before snuggling even closer to one another.

"Goodnight, Willow," he kissed me.

"Goodnight, Wyatt," I smiled slowly, my eyes fluttering shut.

I couldn't imagine having anyone else's arms around me. Our fit wasn't perfect, but it was inevitable. Because perfect was too good to be real. This was real, and I was starting to realize that. I wasn't scared anymore. We were in love. We were happy like this. We hadn't needed to say
'I love you'
out loud, and we hadn't needed to have sex to know.
We already knew.

August 16
th
, 1985, 11:08a.m.

Willow

I was a six-year-old girl.
I was innocent as ever and expected only good things. Today was my first day of first grade. I previously experienced Kindergarten. My momma had promised me it would not be the same as Kindergarten here, and that I would actually learn some new things.

“It’s elementary school, Willow,” she told me, her smile bright as always. “Your goal remains the same; stand out, and don’t copy what the other kids do. Always listen closely. There will not be naps after lunchtime anymore. You won’t be drawing as many pictures, either.”

She was wrong about the drawings. We had been drawing since class started, and we were about halfway done with class. They were different, but they were still pictures. They were still easy to do. They were like puzzles, but instead of piecing a picture together or coloring one in, we were numbering them first to last. My teacher, Ms. Rose, called them
Mind Game
worksheets.

My momma had taught me how to count on my fingers when I was nearly three years old. She taught me the alphabet shortly after. She taught me how to write numbers 0-100, and letters A-Z shortly before I started Kindergarten. I was ahead of everyone around me, so I was often bored with lessons. I was already familiar with most lessons in class. My momma had always been my favorite teacher.

“Alright, class. Before we go to lunch, I need everyone to pick a partner for our next lesson,” Ms. Rose announced. I thought this would possibly be a fun activity. Maybe I would actually learn something new, I thought.

I was in the second row in front, and so I looked behind me in search for a classmate to sit with, and call my partner.

There was a boy. He was quiet and alone, but there was this smile on his face that I could not look away from. He was sitting directly behind me.

“Hey, what’s your name?” I asked him curiously. A smile claimed the corner of my mouth, uncontrolled.

“Kennedy,” he answered. His smile remained. His eyes were big and blue. His eyes distracted me. They weren’t distracting in a bad way, though. It was almost as if they were speaking to me, begging me to introduce myself. So, I told him my name.

“I’m Willow,” I said, and then I asked, “Do you want to be my partner?”

He nodded his head vigorously, and we both laughed.

“Yeah,” he said excitedly.

I had taken the seat next to him before Ms. Rose told us all to line up, so she could escort us to the cafeteria. While in line, we often peeked at each other, just so we could see the other’s smile.

I sat next to him at lunch, and though the rest of our classmates surrounded us, we hadn’t seemed to be interested in anyone or anything but each other. Kennedy and I were inseparable.

I had learned so much about him in one day. Him as my partner in class, I noticed that he liked sharing his ideas, but he had never pushed them on me. He cared about what I thought of his ideas, and he cared about my own ideas. I hadn’t had many ideas, but he was always happy to just listen. We intrigued each other.

When class ended, the teacher began announcing bus numbers, to make sure all of the kids remembered theirs. My house had been walking distance, and so I waited for her to announce walkers and car riders.

When she did, Kennedy and I stood up at the same time.

I grinned, “Are you walking home, too?”

“Yeah, my house is just down the road, past the woods,” he answered as we walked.

I sighed in awe. “Really? My house is just down the road, too. But before the woods,” I told him.

“Do you want to walk with me?” he offered.

Absently, I grabbed his hand and held it as we walked through the last hall, then out the door. “I couldn’t have it any other way,” I replied, turning my head briefly, so he could see my smile.

"Then let's go home," he exhaled. I had felt him squeeze my hand, and I thought it was the best, most
comforting
feeling I had ever felt. I had considered him my best friend already, and it was nice having him here with me. I knew it would always be nice, having him close. Even then, we had known we would be partners forever.

I wanted Kennedy’s attention more than anything, especially when I was a six-year-old girl. He fascinated me. Before Kennedy, I wondered if boys actually had cooties. Before Kennedy, boys intimidated me. I once tried befriending girls, but I never really liked being around other girls. Before Kennedy, I hadn’t had any friends besides my mom and dad. Kennedy had always been my best friend, my only friend. I had never once wanted Kennedy to go away. I wanted him to stay. I always wanted him to stay. Though we said Hello for the last time on August 16
th
, exactly twelve years after the day we first met, I still hoped he’d be with me somehow.
I hoped every day, ever since.

Willow

I had felt arms
around me, and a mouth pressed to my earlobe, whispering, “Wake up, and kiss me.”

I smiled, opening my eyes. “I’m awake, kiss me,” I said, turning my head to face him.

We made eye contact before we both had closed our eyes. He placed his left hand on the side of my face, and kissed me. Soft and sweet,
good morning
kisses.

“It’s a new day,” I yawned, remembering we had slept in the backseat of his jeep last night. I nestled my face against his chest, hugging his waist. “Annette’s expecting me.”

He stroked my hair for a moment, smoothing it out. “Actually, she’s expecting both of us,” he said.

I sat up straight, eyeing him curiously. “What do you mean she’s expecting
both
of us?”

“Your roommate gave me her phone number one day, when she dropped Annette off at school. I called her while you were asleep, and asked her to tell Annette we’re coming to pick her up,” he explained. “You’re such a deep sleeper, just so you know,” he stated. “It’s convenient sometimes. I farted about twenty minutes ago, and it was a
loud
fart. You didn’t even flinch.”

I laughed. “At least I didn’t have to smell it,” I said, sighing. “
Oh
, Wyatt. You really love testing my comfort zone, don’t you?”

He scoffed at my comment as I lay down across the seat, resting my head on his lap.

“I think it’s time for me to spend time with your daughter outside of the classroom. Don’t you think so, too?” he challenged, looking down at me so I could see his grin.

“Are you plotting something?”

“I
already
plotted something.”

“What did you plot, Wyatt?”

He shook his head slowly. “You can’t have all the answers,” he said, chuckling.

I closed my eyes, sighing. “Okay. Surprise me, then, Wyatt.”

“I will,” he said simply.

We had gotten back in the front of his jeep, and we rode off the grass and onto the road, making our way to his house so he could change out of the suit he had slept in. As we rode toward my apartment, we played the
Never Have I Ever
game. Instead of sipping on booze, we just stated whether we did or didn’t do the deed.

“Never have I ever slept with someone within an hour of meeting them,” I said, deciding to go first.

“Nope, never,” he confirmed. “Never have I ever...dated someone with a daddy kink,” he said.

A chuckle had caught in my throat. He made brief eye contact with me, causing me to gulp nervously. “I don’t know if this counts, but I went on
one
date with this guy a few years ago. I thought he was an odd individual before he even made it clear to me that he was into that sort of thing. I left him alone at the restaurant,” I promised.

He shook his head, grinning. “How do you know
I
don’t have a daddy kink?”

“Wyatt, no.”

“Willow, how do I know
you
don’t have a daddy kink?”

I cleared my throat, raising my eyebrows at him. “Never have I ever had a daddy kink.”

He laughed. “Nope, me neither.”

“I’m relieved,” I smiled at him.

We continued this until arriving to the apartment. We had gotten plenty of laughs out of one another.

After parking near the apartment, we walked towards my front door, hand in hand. We paused when we heard a
loud
, obnoxious woman yell out, “HEY!”

We looked up, cringing to the sound, to find Caitlyn looking down at us from the balcony. A cigarette was in her hand. She had put it out as I gave her a disapproving look. She smugly smiled at me before walking in the house.

“She’s a character,” Wyatt mumbled.

“She’s a nutcase,” I countered.

We went inside, and I heard Annette call me from upstairs.

“Mommy!”

I walked up the stairs quickly, knelt down on the living room floor, and hugged her. Her arms were wrapped tightly around my neck, and she repeatedly kissed my cheek.

“I missed you last night,” I whispered to her.

“I missed you so much, mommy,” she said sweetly. “Are we going somewhere with Mr. Blanquette?”

I could feel Wyatt standing behind me.

“Ask him,” I responded.

“Are we going somewhere with you, Mr. Blanquette?” she asked him softly, her chin resting on my shoulder.

“You can call me Wyatt outside of school, Annette. Is that okay with you?” he asked her. 

I could feel her smile getting bigger. “Yeah, I like that name,” she said in awe. “Wyatt is a
cool
name.”

“Thank you. Annette is a pretty cool name, too,” he said. “And to answer your question, yes, we are going somewhere. Where would you like to go?” he asked her.

He knelt so he could talk to Annette face to face. Softly, he placed his left hand on my left shoulder. I looked at the side of Annette’s face, waiting for her to speak.

“Um…” she paused. “Oh, I know! How about the ice cream parlor?
Everyone
loves ice cream,” she said confidently.

“Sounds like a plan,” Wyatt responded to her, and then we had all stood on our feet.

“Let’s go,” Annette said immediately, already walking towards the stairs. “Bye, Aunt Catie!” Annette yelled to Caitlyn.

“Bye, little babe!” Caitlyn yelled back.

“Wait at the door, Annette!” I yelled to her.

Wyatt and I exchanged looks, turning to face Caitlyn as she stood in the kitchen.

I smirked at her. “So, how did last night go?” I asked her.

“Cloudy,” she mumbled, referring to cigarettes and alcohol. “Don’t worry,” she waved her hand in the air. “Little babe was sound asleep, and I stayed on the porch until I went to bed.”

“I trust you,” I promised. “Though, you do have me a bit worried sometimes.”

She rolled her eyes, smirking at my comment. “I’m fine,” she insisted. “Wyatt,” she looked at Wyatt, forcing a smile. “The cast is gone. What are your feelings?”

“I feel relieved, I feel happy, I feel comfortable, and… I feel safe,” he responded. “That cast was god-awful.”

She nodded, thinking.

“I like his answer,” she looked at me. “He’s, like, a
real
person. Most guys would have said something stupid, like, ‘Oh, that cast was nothing, I’ve experienced worse,’ or ‘I don’t feel pain, broken bones are like broken fingernails.’” She covered her mouth dramatically. “Willow, I think you should keep him.”

“I think so, too,” I said.

Wyatt chuckled, because Caitlyn was trying to be funny. “And I don’t see the day where I’d ever want to leave,” he pointed out, deciding to add to the conversation.

He saying that had made my heart flip.

“We’re going to go now, okay, Caitlyn?” I said, but I was looking at Wyatt and Wyatt was looking at me.

She said, “Okay,” simply. “Have fun,” she added.

“Wait, didn’t you want to change clothes?” Wyatt asked me, confused.

I shook my head no. “I’ll just wear what I have on,” I shrugged.

He said, “Alright,” and then we left. Annette held both of our hands, standing in between us as we walked to Wyatt’s jeep.

On the ride to the ice cream parlor, Wyatt and I endured Annette’s taste in music. She sang along to each song, wiggling around in the backseat. She was happy and she was smiling. We all were happy and we all were smiling.

Caitlyn liked Wyatt. Annette liked Wyatt more than Caitlyn. I loved Wyatt more than I loved myself.

I could imagine life without Wyatt: dull and plain, my heart strained, and my happiness limited. I hadn’t wanted that. Not for me, not for him, not for
anyone
.

I wanted Wyatt to stay. That undiscovered, empty space I had left where living was still mandatory - I wanted Wyatt to keep that space forever. I wanted him to live life with
me
while there was still time. And I had known he wanted the same.

5:29p.m.

Wyatt preferred sherbet
over ice cream. Annette devoured her little cup of chocolate ice cream, topped with sprinkles. I settled with rocky road. We had gone to the park afterward, and I recalled Wyatt whispering in my ear, “I remember that day at the hospital, when you told me that you and Annette liked going to the park. So, I wanted to go to the park with you today.”

I smiled, looking up at him. “Here we are,” I whispered.

“Here we are,” he echoed.

Annette had fun on the swings for a while. She had given the monkey bars a try, but wasn’t quite good at keeping herself up. She said her hands were burning. I told her, “That happens, sweetie.”

Wyatt smirked at me before telling Annette, “I was pretty good at the monkey bars when I was a kid.”

Annette then asked Wyatt to demonstrate his expertise, but he had been too big for the monkey bars.

Annette turned to me, pouting. “Can you show me, mommy?” she begged, smiling innocently.

I gave it a shot, and as I went from bar to bar, I told her, “You have to move as fast as you can if you don’t want your hands to start hurting.”
Annette nodded, and when I made it to the end, she tried again.

Every time she restarted, she got farther and farther to the end of the bars - until she finally made it there.

Wyatt and I told her she did a good job.

Now, we were back at the apartment. I wanted to stay the night with Wyatt again, and he had told me he wanted that, too. I told Annette to go brush her teeth before asking Caitlyn if it’d be okay if I spent another night away.

“Of course,” she said. She handed me my mail, then said, “I hope you two have a good night.” She smiled a tight smile that wasn’t real; a
smile
that I knew wouldn’t be there anymore once she realized she was better off without Brian.

Wyatt and I left after telling Annette goodnight. She was glad I had Wyatt. My daughter could tell that I had been happier with Wyatt here with me. That would be a constant reminder that what Wyatt and I had was real. My daughter’s approval was all I ever needed.

When Wyatt and I got in his jeep, he looked at me, and said, “The day isn’t over.”

He looked like he was plotting. His smile was sly, and I was rolling my eyes as I pressed my head against the headrest. I wasn’t going to ask questions. I was going to let him surprise me.

“I guess it isn’t, huh?” I sighed blissfully, slightly turning my head to look at him.

Our eyes were hearts. We both saw
love
there, confronting us. Asking what we were waiting for.

At this point, I hadn’t known why we hadn’t said the words out loud yet. We felt the same thing, and our eyes said it all. It was as if that
one word
was written a thousand times in thin air, and we were reading and realizing the truth at the same time.

To me,
truthful
words didn’t fall flat compared to actions. The words we were both looking for were nice words to hear. I had known we’d both be telling the truth if we said the words out loud:
I love you.

When a person is in love with someone, they tell them. They tell them out loud, because they want them to know. Why
we
weren’t saying the words out loud at this moment - I hadn’t known. But our eyes spoke for us, and we felt it. In the air, seemingly written there,
we saw it
.

That night, Wyatt took me to the train tracks again. We walked and talked. We went through a drive-thru after, and ate fat burgers with fries. We drank sugary soda as we absently made fun of the pedestrians that walked on the sidewalk in front of us; we sat parked in the parking lot.

We went to his house after an hour or so. I changed out of my dirty scrubs, and put one of his T-shirts on; no pants - he hadn’t cared.

He played some music, and we danced. We laughed. We loved
harder
, and it was amplified in that moment. Suddenly, we stopped dancing. Slightly, both of our mouths fell open as we stood there, staring at each other.

He grabbed my hands from his shoulders, held them in front of him, and then squeezed them. “Willow, I don’t want this to end,” he whispered.

“You just… have to believe in what’s considered make-believe,” I told him.

He paused for a moment. “That happened already,” he admitted.

“How so?” I asked.

He dropped my hands then, so he could bring both of his to my face. Instinctively, I held onto his elbows. “Because I love you so goddamn much, and you’re here. I… look forward to being alive, because now, you’re
here
. I didn’t think love like this was real, not even a little bit. I believe in what’s considered make-believe, because it took me no time at all to fall in love with you,” he said softly, letting out a sigh. “No time at all,” he whispered in repetition.