Our Bodies, Ourselves (24 page)

Sloane:
I'm thirty-five and have been married
to my husband for only two and a half years—still pretty green, but this relationship has been in existence or in the works for just over ten years. I had my first child by cesarean …I am still mourning the natural birth we were denied. My husband was laid off and stays home with our child so I am the breadwinner of the family, so to speak.

Sophia:
I am an Asian/Hispanic woman in my mid-forties, married to a man of Caucasian descent for twenty years. We have two children. My siblings and I were raised in a very religious household and were heavily indoctrinated in the philosophy that sex before marriage was a sin. I was twenty-two before I had my first sexual experience, with a man who eventually became my husband. I've never told my parents that I had premarital sex. Even now, I can't talk to my mother about anything having to do with sex.

Tasha Maria:
I am a heterosexual African-American woman. I am thirty-six years old and I have a seventeen-year-old son. I am single and have never been married, which frightens me because I feel like my time is running out. I never wanted to raise my son alone and wanted to have more children and live what I felt was the American dream.

Victoria:
I'm thirty-three, mother to two daughters, married for eight years. When I was in high school and college, I struggled with a lot of shame and fear about my sexuality, and when I was finally able (in my early and midtwenties) to feel confident in my body and my desires, it felt like such an amazing victory. And I really thought I had it all figured out—that I would have great sex for the rest of my life! A few years down the road, I'm realizing that I have an entirely new set of challenges and struggles: changing body, changing relationships, changing desires, crying babies …

Zoe:
I'm a twenty-four-year-old African-American/Puerto Rican heterosexual female. I'm single and childless, and I've never really had any traditional relationships. I would call myself a late bloomer (at least when it comes to having partner sex). I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-one and a college senior. Even though I hadn't had sex before then, I've always been incredibly sexual. I've known what sex was from an early age and had a lot of experiences with masturbation beginning around age eight. On the relationship front, I'm a huge commitmentphobe.

EJM:
I want something that says, “You and your partner are equal human beings and you are sharing a life together.” I want a relationship that has mutual respect, equal responsibility, confidence, trust, and sexual compatibility. I want a relationship that allows me to come home and relax without worrying about if I need to fix something in the relationship. I want a relationship that has no violence.

Francesca:
What I want in a relationship is patience. It has been many, many years since I have been in a relationship. I have not had sex with a partner in more than twelve years. I am a very sexual being, but I know that since it has been such a long time, I am a bit insecure and need someone who is patient with me to help me navigate back to a place of sexual self-esteem.

Lydia:
We've talked, my girlfriend and I, about various types of relationships (open, poly, monogamous) and concluded that both of us are inclined toward monogamy and that's what works for us. After so many years moving solo through life (with amazing friends and family but without anyone to imagine a future with), I am grateful every day to have this person in my life to share (or shelter from) the world with. I love the constancy of having her to wake up with every morning and fall asleep beside every night—and I've kinda surprised myself with how much I enjoy being able to name her as “my girlfriend” and claim that kind of relationship with her, whether I'm talking to friends or colleagues, walking down the street, or writing a check that has both of our names on the top.

Cheryl:
I read something once that became a mantra for moments like this in my life: “Love courageously.” What that means to me is that love is risky business and scary, but I need to be courageous and do it anyway. When fear shows up, I always play the what-ifs trivia game in my head and sometimes out loud with friends and family. Wisdom always pushes me to consider not just “What if something doesn't work?” but also “What if it does work?”

Ananda:
I think that relationships are one of the hardest things we do.

Efia:
From a frustrated list I typed into my phone about three weeks ago when I got tired of pining after my last relationship that went horribly wrong:

The Love of my life …

will be responsible and honest like my father

will love me unconditionally

will be beautiful inside and out

will respect and not hate his mother and father

will help me when I do and do not ask

will always have my best interests at heart and in mind

will bring out the best in me consistently

will love/cherish my family

will know how to have healthy disagreements

will be a grown-up when necessary but a child at heart

will be healthy and encourage me to take care of myself

will be a good father and partner/husband/friend/lover

will have ambition

will love to travel but also like to spend time at home

will be supportive of me

will not be financially irresponsible

will have self-awareness

will love music as much as or more than I do

Cecilia:
I made a list …When #1 turned up, I recognized all the traits and went right for it. Then I met a man on a bus. By the time we got off, life had changed. No list, just him.

Heidi:
I often feel as though I have been conditioned to want some kind of long-term relationship with a person who I would describe as my soul mate and who will make my life more complete in a way that nothing else can. I don't believe that this fairy-tale relationship exists (for most people), and my opinion sometimes makes me feel like I am disappointing people around me. As a single mother who lives in poverty, I sometimes feel as though I am expected to be in a relationship (especially with a man) if only for financial reasons, like it is selfish of me to get divorced because it is not necessarily what is best for the children regardless of what the relationship was like, and it is even more selfish of me if I then date women, because my children will later be teased because of it.

I have yet to fully process how I think my asexuality fits into this part of my life as far as societal and familial pressures are concerned—as a mom, I am not supposed to be a sexual being, but I am supposed to have additional financial support to provide for my children, such as would be provided by being in a marital relationship.

Cathryn:
The one thing I've always hungered for was simply to be cherished; corny, I know. At this point in my life I still want that but am no longer willing to enter a relationship that doesn't leave a lot of room for me, alone. Most of my life I've been the sister/mother confessor to everyone else, the caretaker role, and on some level I want to be both independent and taken care of for a change. I'm drawn to what I call “gentle male energy” but have a lifetime of experiences that leave me to view men as suspect.

Faith:
I've been single for a while. I date a lot. I have lots of casual “hookups”—which, generally, only go so far as making out, etc., because I'm personally not a fan of casual sex. Back where I was raised, lots of my high school friends are getting married and having kids—that's what you do once you've graduated from college/high school. At my college, however, the idea of a girl getting pregnant or married is pretty ridiculous; we're all ambitious, young people who want to get their careers in order.

This year, I had sort of an epiphany about the whole thing, which is that I'm not ready for a serious relationship. Ideally, I do one day want to find someone I can share my life with—it seems like a very nice idea. But I have to stop being dissatisfied with myself when it doesn't happen right now.

Natasha:
I want a long-term monogamous relationship. At fifty-eight, I don't have time for drama; I want loyalty, a friend with whom I can talk and share my current life and dreams. I want fun, great sex, a witty companion, and someone who shares my values.

Zoe:
I want to meet a man I can fall in love with—fully and completely. But not because I think he “completes” me. A man who challenges me to push my boundaries, who nurtures my ambition. A man who has ambition that I can nurture. Someone who will indulge my moods and not be all up in my business 24/7. Someone who understands that I'm already whole and that he's there to nurture that wholeness, to help me grow without welding himself to my side.

© Vonzell Pierson

Jaime:
I find that when people talk about a successful relationship, they usually mean one that lasts and lasts. Sometimes this is the case even when the relationship is no longer functional or enjoyable—it is successful solely because it still exists. In my book, a successful relationship is one that lasts while it can last and that ends when it needs to end.

Victoria:
Over the past few years, I have seen several divorces among my close friends and family, and it's amazing to witness that tipping point when people realize that it is okay to take care of themselves and to place value on their on wholeness and well-being. Particularly because I live in a politically and religiously conservative community, there is a great deal of pressure to “make it work.” And some relationships can be salvaged and can become strong and healthy again. But some can't, and that's okay. It is okay to end those relationships and be alone. It is okay to find strength and comfort and growth in a circle of friends and family. And I love how you're defining that as a success in itself.

Leigh:
My current partner of sorts and I have been involved for a year and half and have avoided most of the default terms for describing what was growing between us. At one point, in a conversation with some friends, he stumbled upon the idea of a co-conspirator. This so resonated with who we were becoming in each other's lives and what we both want in a partnered relationship. We are currently in a place of flux due to geographical distance and commitments to projects that energize us but also keep
us less directly involved in each other's lives. But through the course of this relationship with him, by experiencing him as a co-conspirator, I can now say that
that
is exactly what I want in a partnership. I want to scheme and dream with someone, undertake projects, work together to build the world we want to live in.

Jordan:
Oooh, this resonates with me so much. I definitely think of partners as co-conspirators. (In fact, I think I once posted a personal ad which included the phrase “seeks partner in crime.”) I love planning and building things with people (which can be anything from embarking on a papermaking project together to something more personal), and I definitely want to be with someone who shares that and who has a zest for adventure.

Faith:
“Co-conspirators” is a really great non-traditional category. I like that it emphasizes the individual agency that each partner has while at the same time giving credit to the mutual impact each has on the creative world building of the other. I, personally, have always desired a partner who will push me to be the best person I can be (and vice versa). In that way, love can transcend more than the two people involved and really impact the larger world.