Open Minds (28 page)

The tears in my eyes made all the woodchips run together, like one big lumpy mass of destroyed trees lurking outside the spotlights of the street lamps.
I can’t do that, Dad. Give Mom my love, okay? Seamus, too.
I pulled out of his mind so I wouldn’t have to listen to any more of his impassioned pleas. My heart sank like a stone, and tears rolled off my cheeks onto my dirt-stained shorts.

Going home wasn’t an option for me anymore.

~*~

I wasn’t quite sure how I ended up in front of Raf’s house.

The walk from the park was a haze, as though my mind had been emptied of everything but echoes. Like Simon’s mind before his death. Like I was fading away. I shivered and pulled my oversized cargo jacket tighter around me.

My dad couldn’t help me. I couldn’t go home. I was on my own.

Simon was right after all. The best we could hope for was a life on the run. Go somewhere and disappear. Blend in. Pass for a reader. Hope that the Feds never caught up to me.

Anger boiled some life into me. Maybe I couldn’t go home. Maybe Kestrel had too much power for my dad to stop him. But I was something Kestrel didn’t expect.

I was different.

It was time to make that count. Time to stop the horrors that Kestrel was putting the changelings through. I’d made a promise, and I was going to do everything I could to keep it. I wasn’t at all sure I could find Laney or get the others out of the camp without getting sent back there myself. But I was going to try.

Before I did, I had to make things right with Raf. I might not get another chance.

The brightly lit windows on the top floor of Raf’s house told me he was awake. There were no jacker agents keeping guard over Raf. Maybe they didn’t think Raf meant that much to me.

They were wrong.

I brushed the minds inside Raf’s house. Mrs. Santos was watching a Brazilian soap opera and weeping at some awful love scene. She probably wouldn’t notice me sneaking up the front stairs, even if I didn’t jack her thoughts away. Raf was on the third floor in his room, listening to that crazy synchrony music he likes.
Cantos Syn.

I swept the neighborhood as well, finding nothing and no one out of place. Just to be sure, I pulled my hat lower and tucked in my chin as I crossed the empty street. Stymied for a moment by the locked front door, I sighed and jacked Mrs. Santos to come downstairs to unlock it. Once she returned to the star-crossed lovers on the sim-cast, I opened the door and tiptoed up the three flights to Raf’s room.

He hadn’t heard me come up, with his wireless ear buds cranked to eardrum-damage mode. He hummed the song in his mind, some musically tortured thing about loving and losing. The scent of linen and fresh spring air seeped into my mind, and somehow it fit him perfectly. All the words I had conjured on the train had vanished.

I took a deep breath and stepped into his room.

His mouth dropped open. “Kira!” He jumped up from the bed where he had been sprawled and tugged the ear buds out. They stopped buzzing when he tapped them. “What…? How did you…?” He wavered, then stood straighter. “You’re back.” The last part was an accusation. An image sprung up in his mind of me and Simon, kissing and running our hands over each other. Seeing Simon alive again, if only in Raf’s mind, made my throat close up.

There was no point putting off the inevitable, so I linked a thought to him.
I’m back
.

Raf’s eyes went wide. He took a half step back and bumped into the bed.
I can read you now…
His thoughts swirled around questions he had been asking himself ever since I had disappeared. Why had I run away with Simon? Why had I picked Simon over him? He tried to push those thoughts aside and directed one thought to me.
So, did Simon get tired of you and send you home?
His thoughts were like tiny knives stabbing my heart.

Simon’s dead.
I blinked back the tears that pricked my eyes. Crying over Simon in front of Raf would be a tragic mistake.

What?
Raf took a tentative step toward me, then stopped. I wished he would close the five feet between us and hold me in his arms, but anger and confusion held him back.
What happened? Are you okay?

Was I okay? No, I wasn’t. Not in the slightest. I pulled away from the stray daggers of thoughts in his mind and struggled with what to tell him. He frowned like he was trying to hear my thoughts, but of course he couldn’t. He never would unless I wanted him to. I shivered and wrapped my arms around myself. My mind sputtered, and I tried to summon the right thing to say by staring at the floor.

“Kira, I can’t hear you anymore. What’s wrong? I don’t understand.”

I couldn’t keep the tears from falling in small splats on the wooden floor, and suddenly Raf was wrapping his arms around me. I sobbed into his shirt, bunching it in my fists and pressing it into my eyes. “It’s okay. It’s okay,” he said softly, holding me tighter. “Whatever’s wrong, we’ll figure it out.”

There were so many things I needed to tell him, I didn’t even know where to begin. I was a jacker. No, I was a mutant jacker. The FBI was after me and I couldn’t go home and the world had gone demens because kids like Laney were being experimented on and jackers like Simon were dead. I sucked in a breath and tried to control the sobs, and slowly the warmth of Raf’s arms calmed me. I laid my head on his chest and pressed my ear over his heart. Its beat was strong and a little too quick.

I linked back into his mind, and his thoughts were a jumbled mess—happiness that he was holding me, anger at whatever trouble Simon had gotten me into, confusion about what to say and do to help me. I ached to soothe his mind, but anything I told him would do the opposite. So I lingered for a moment, resting against his chest and gathering my courage to tell him all the truths I had been hiding for so long.

Finally, I picked my head up and leaned away from him so I could see his face.
I’m not really a reader, Raf.
I’m something different.

His eyebrows arched slightly.
Well, I can read you again now. Does it just fade on and off like that?

No. I don’t read minds at all. I control them. It’s called mindjacking…
I stopped at the incredulous look on his face, and then anger flashed across his mind.

Is this some kind of joke?
he thought. His arms had loosened their hold on me, and I missed the feeling immediately.

The joke was on me.
No. I really can control minds.

Raf dropped his arms away from me.
What kind of game is this?

It hadn’t occurred to me that Raf wouldn’t believe me. Before, at the warehouse, he had understood, but then he had seen it in action. I reached down to the living room and jacked Mrs. Santos to bring Raf a glass of water. She jumped up from the sofa and hurried to the kitchen.

This is no game, Raf. I wish it was
.
I’ll prove it to you.

Okay…

I just told your mom to bring you a glass of water. She’s on her way.
Her footsteps were coming lightly up the two flights of stairs. We both turned to the open doorway.
She won’t see me, because I control what she sees and hears.

Mrs. Santos’ thin frame appeared in the doorway, and I jacked her to ignore me. She stepped quickly past me to hand Raf the glass of water. Her eyes had the purposeful look of someone whose actions were being commandeered, and her thoughts were the endless loop of a jacked mind. And Raf could hear that.
Bring Raf some water. Bring Raf some water. Some water…

Raf stared after her as she left his room. His face had lost some of its color. He backed all the way to the bed again and shakily set the water down on the end table. His fear was a bitter taste on my tongue. All of a sudden, I wasn’t the girl he had always known and loved. I was some kind of monster instead.His thoughts made me cringe. Raf was more right than he knew.

Stay away from me,
he thought as he edged around the bed to put even more distance between us.

Raf, I’m not going to hurt you…

He clenched his hands to his head. “Stay out of my head!” The harshness of his voice made me step back. I pulled out of his mind, mostly because his thoughts were slashing through my heart. That he should have known there was something wrong with me. That he should never have trusted me.

“Raf, please…” The words stopped in my throat. He didn’t trust me, and why should he? I had done nothing but lie to him all along. He didn’t remember when I had finally told him the truth and that I was sorry. He didn’t remember any of it.

The shiny wooden floor blurred as the tears returned to my eyes. I shuffled toward the door, but the doorway seemed to sway, so I held on to the doorjamb for a moment. I stumbled over the threshold, and my feet seemed to catch on the hallway carpet. I gripped the stair rail with both hands so my unsteady legs wouldn’t send me tumbling to my death.

When I was halfway down the steps, Raf called out behind me. “Kira, wait!”

I froze and slowly turned to look up at him. Mrs. Santos had heard him, so I commanded her to ignore any sounds from the third floor and redirected her to the soap opera. Raf teetered at the top of the stairs. I held my breath and waited for him to speak.

He bit his lip. “You can control me. Make me do what you want.”

I nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“But you’re not, right now, right?” I shook my head, still holding my breath. “You could hurt me. But you’re not. Why?”

I let out an exasperated breath. “Why would I hurt you, Raf?”

His face twisted, and I knew his thoughts without peering into his head. I had already hurt him. By choosing Simon, by not trusting him. By leaving.

“I… I never meant to hurt you, Raf, I swear it.” My voice was cracking but I pushed on. I had to get it all out, while I had the chance. Before he sent me away for good. “I was trying to protect you. There are others jackers, like me, and some of them are dangerous. I didn’t want you to get hurt, so I lied. But I shouldn’t have. I don’t want to.” My voice was rising as the hysteria climbed out of my chest. “All the lies are causing all the problems. I want it all to stop, Raf. That’s why I came back!” I was nearly shouting by the time I was done. I stopped and tried to get control of my ragged breathing.

“Will you tell me truth?” he asked. “All of it? Without that…” He stumbled over the word. “…
jacking
thing that you do?”

I nodded so hard my brain wobbled inside my head.

“Okay, well, come on up. We can, um, talk in my room.” He backed toward his room, not taking his eyes off me and keeping his distance, like I was a wild animal that might strike at any moment. I didn’t care. I was so elated, I nearly floated up the steps. Back in his room, he carefully sat at the head of his bed. I perched at the end of it, waiting.

“So, how does this jacking thing work?” he asked.

I took a deep breath and told him everything. How I discovered I could jack when I accidentally knocked him out. How Simon found out and convinced me he was the only one I could trust with my secret. How he lured me to the warehouse and tried to get me to join his Clan of criminal jackers.

Raf’s eyes grew wide when I told him how I had saved him from the Clan, but we had been caught by Agent Kestrel. I explained that Kestrel had stolen his true memories, so he didn’t remember any of it. He was looking pretty shaken, so I stopped there.

I edged toward him. He watched me closely, keeping his back braced against the headboard and his legs folded underneath him. I stopped moving. “I can’t give you your true memories back,” I said, “because I wasn’t the one who erased them. But I can show you what happened that night. If you want.”

“You’d have to get into my head to do that, right?” he asked.

“Yes. If you don’t want me to, that’s fine.”

“No. I want to see it.” He tensed, as though it might hurt. I scooted closer and took his hand, relieved when he didn’t flinch. I could have jacked the images into his head from the next street over—I just wanted an excuse to touch him again.

I replayed what I could remember of that night. Knocking out the Clan members was etched in my mind, but Raf pulling me out of the warehouse was kind of fuzzed out. I clearly remembered the warmth of his hand on mine and his forgiveness like a warm blanket after an endless time in the barren cold.

When I was done, I pulled out of his mind. His face pinched in as he puzzled through it. “So, Agent Kestrel erased my true memory of this. Made me think you had run away with Simon?”

“I hope to make him pay for that.” That earned me a smile that filled my entire body with sunshine. I wanted to tell Raf everything—every ability I had and every horror I’d seen. But I needed to be careful. I could only tell him things that Kestrel already knew. Raf would be even more helpless to keep secrets from Kestrel than my dad.

At least I could be honest about the lying.

“Raf, there are some things that I can’t tell you. Not many, but some.” I talked faster. “It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that Kestrel might find out—and that would be bad. For a lot of people.”

“Okay. I was never any good at keeping secrets anyway.” He smiled again, and I became very aware that my hand still held his. Raf had always told me how he felt, even though he didn’t have to and it probably hurt him when he did. My face ran hot with embarrassment for all the lies I had told, when he had never been anything but honest with me.

I pulled away and twisted my hands in my lap. “I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you before, Raf.”

“Hey.” He edged closer. “Everything’s going to be all right. Just tell me what you can.”

And so I did. All about the horror that was jacker camp and Laney and breaking out. I went light on the details there, so Kestrel wouldn’t learn anything new. I told Raf how Laney had been kidnapped, and they were experimenting on her, and how I hated leaving behind the other changelings like her in the camp. I didn’t tell him how I had vowed to help them, if I could, because I didn’t want Kestrel to know.

I told him how the guard killed Simon, and he died bleeding in the desert, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Raf’s hand stole over mine when I paused and fought through the tears, not wanting to cry over Simon in front of him. When I had composed myself again, I wondered how I had ever doubted that Raf was the one I could trust.