Ooh! What a Lovely Pair Our Story (39 page)

Despite our fears, the audition went well and we both got the parts – but then I don’t suppose they were ever going to hire just one of us. We were very excited when we got the news. It was a brand-new challenge, and the next thing to do was start rehearsals. Jonny, the director, pushed us hard. One of the first things we worked on was the pitch of our performance and the delivery. Because we were so used to entertainment shows, we were inclined to play everything for laughs – when there was a funny line, our voice would naturally go up at the end of the sentence, to draw the audience’s attention to the gag. Jonny wanted us to play the whole thing much straighter and more subtly and, at first, we found it difficult to know what he thought of our performances. He wasn’t the kind of bloke who’d say, ‘Yeah, that’s it – well done,’ so we were constantly questioning ourselves about how it was going and if we were pitching it right. It might have been a comedy film, but we took it very, very seriously.

It wasn’t until we got on to set and started filming that we got to know Jonny better and struck up a bit of a rapport with him, and it was great to be there, working with other actors. The buzz you got after doing a good scene was amazing – and totally different from the buzz you get from a live TV show, because it wasn’t so instant. On a film set, there’s no audience laughing and cheering at you – we’d asked for one, but were told it wasn’t the done thing. When you’re acting, it’s more of a slow-burn process, but just as satisfying.
We had to learn to pace ourselves in more ways than one. Normally, our week builds up to one intense hour of live TV, but with acting you’re off and on and, particularly with films, there’s a lot of waiting around – although you do at least get a trailer to wait around in, which makes you feel like a film star, even when in our case, you’re clearly not one.

After eight weeks filming in London, it was time to get even more showbiz and fly to Hollywood. It was another one of those experiences when you pinch yourself: we got to film on the Sunset Strip, driving a Cadillac in the middle of the LA sunshine. People were looking at us from the pavement – sorry, sidewalk – and, once they’d clocked the cameras, you could see them straining their necks, thinking, ‘Who is it? Who is it?’ I wanted to shout, ‘It’s me! It’s me!’ I didn’t though – they would’ve thought I was mad, as they didn’t have a clue who I was.

One of the other big thrills about filming in the States was working with Harry Dean Stanton, a craggy-faced American character actor who was in
Paris, Texas, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
and played Molly Ring-wald’s dad in
Pretty in Pink.
Every line on his face seems to tell a different story – at least it would, if he was in the habit of telling any stories: we quickly learnt that Harry likes to keep himself to himself.

I had one very long scene with Harry, just me and him, on our own, in a car, on a night shoot. We sat in a pick-up truck together for hours, while he gave an incredibly convincing performance as a chain-smoking actor on a night shoot. No matter how much I coughed – which was a lot – he didn’t stop. He didn’t give a toss and, although I wasn’t keen on inhaling his smoke, I admired him for his dedication to cigarettes.

Because he was such a private guy, not really the sort of man who enjoyed small talk, we were never sure what Harry thought of us. One night, he invited us to go for a drink with him, which was a real thrill. We immediately accepted, and he took us to a place called Dan Tana’s on Santa Monica Boulevard. It was one of his regular haunts and was like something
out of
Goodfellas
– all empty wine bottles with candles in, red-and-white-checked tablecloths and a clientele perched at the bar who looked like they could be close business associates of Tony Soprano. Although, if they’re reading this, I’m sure they weren’t – I don’t want to end up sleeping with the fishes.

One by one, Harry’s friends joined us, and each one was scarier and weirder than the last. There was a detective from the LAPD homicide department, a black guy who ran an after-hours drinking den and, finally, an ex-boxer who’d only ever had one professional fight, which he insisted on telling everyone about in great detail. It was one of the most terrifiying meals of my life.

About six months later, we were back in LA for some meetings about TV shows, and we went out for dinner in a restaurant and, who should be in there, but the world’s most dedicated smoker, our old friend Harry Dean. He was deep in conversation with some of his mates, and we didn’t want to disturb him, so we waited till we were leaving. I went over (seeing as I’d had the most scenes with him), and opened with, ‘Hi Harry, good to see you.’ He looked back at me, smiled and said it was good to see me too. I knew it wasn’t, and I can confidently say, even though we’d only been filming with him a few months earlier, he didn’t have a clue who I was.

They say you know you’ve made it in Hollywood when your fellow actors start recognizing you in restaurants so, for us two, that was when we knew for definite we
hadn’t
made it in Hollywood. We went back to doing what we do best – British telly.

A year or so earlier, we’d come up with an idea for an innovative, multilayered high-concept TV show that was all about… playing golf. We started playing golf ourselves in 2004, when, with a load of our mates, we formed the Chiswick Royal and Ancient Golf Society. The society includes, among others, Jonny Wilkes, Paul and Darren, Alan Conley (our floor manager), David Staite, Andy Collins (our warm-up man for
Takeaway),
and Si Hargreaves. Every year, we play four tournaments, and they often mean going abroad for a weekend of committed drinking
with a little bit of golf thrown in. I love those weekends, because you can just be yourself, and it doesn’t matter who you are, or what you normally do, this is just a chance to be one of the lads.

One of our first golfing trips was to Portugal and, unsurprisingly, it ended up with all of us in a bar. One member of our society happens to bear more than a passing resemblance to the jockey, Frankie Dettori. His name is Ian McLeish, and he went into this karaoke bar to buy a packet of cigarettes. The karaoke MC immediately started ribbing him with plenty of ‘Look everyone, it’s Frankie Dettori! Have you lost your horse, Frankie?’ comments. Ian came out and told us, and we all went back in mob-handed to put this bloke in his place.

Immediately, the man on the mic looks up and says, ‘Look everyone, Frankie’s back, with his mates… Ant and Dec?’ He was a bit lost for words after that. It was just a small bar in a holiday resort in Portugal and, even though we’d gone in there intending to give him a piece of our mind, we ended up staying in there, having a great night and all doing karaoke.

Jonny Wilkes, who’s never shy when it comes to singing in public, got up and did a bit of Frank Sinatra. He was doing his version of ‘My Way’, and there were a few old couples in tears although, personally, I don’t think Jonny’s singing is that bad. Someone was looking through the song book, and said, ‘Look, they’ve got “Let’s Get Ready to Rhumble”.’ Me and Dec both looked up and barked, ‘No chance.’ Two hours later, we were on stage belting it out. There were so many camera phones in that bar that I’m amazed – and very relieved – that performance never turned up on youtube, although the fact that we bought a round for the whole bar might have had something to do with it – bribery never fails.

Golf isn’t just about drinking and singing ‘Rhumble’, though, sometimes we actually make it to the course, and it was during a game one day that we had an idea. The Ryder Cup is golf’s biggest event, where teams from Europe and the United States compete against each other. We thought we could do a celebrity version – with American and European celebrities, plus some professional golfers. Originally, we pitched
the show to ITV, who wanted to make it but decided they couldn’t afford it. In the end, it went to Sky. We called it
The All*Star Cup,
and all we had to do then was book a load of famous people who loved playing golf.

There were two signings that made
The All*Star Cup
a success. First of all, Scottish professional superstar golfer Colin Montgomery agreed to captain the European team. To get Monty, as his good friends call him (he asked us to call him Mr Montgomery), was a real coup. He is actually the captain of the European Ryder Cup team in 2010, that’s how big he is. The second jaw-dropping booking was Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. They’re both keen golfers and, with the event being held at Celtic Manor in Wales, Catherine could visit her family and, as for Michael, well, apparently he’d always been a big PJ and Duncan fan, so it was a dream come true. Once we had those three, there were plenty of people who couldn’t wait to sign up. Chris Evans, Ronan Keating, James Nesbitt and Ian Wright all played.

We also had the legendary Terry Wogan commentating, and he was the perfect person to talk over hours and hours of live golf coverage. That man could talk over hours of live washing-up coverage and it would be entertaining. We were dying to take part in the game too but, because of our contract with ITV, we couldn’t appear on screen and had to settle for a role behind the cameras. We worked closely with the presenters, Kirsty Gallacher and Jamie Theakston, and it was a great success and a proper event, with a massive crowd and great weather. Sometimes, you have ideas for TV shows and they come to nothing, so to sit back and see what we’d created with
The All*Star Cup
was a huge buzz.

The game itself couldn’t have been better either. It came down to the eighteenth hole on the final and Ronan Keating sunk the winning putt for Europe to beat America. That evening, we had one of the most bizarre after-show parties we’ve ever been to. It was quite emotional, everyone was
hugging us and thanking us, while we were saying, ‘We should be thanking you, all we did was watch.’ Chris Evans had tears in his eyes: he told us we’d given him the chance to feel like a professional golfer and that it was the best weekend of his life – and, if you believe everything you read, that man has had some pretty decent weekends in his time (including one that ended with Dec chucking up in his downstairs toilet). In the bar afterwards there was a three-piece band, and everyone got up and did a song – Ronan, James Nesbitt (who, by the way, has got a lovely voice if the acting work ever dries up), Chris Evans – and yes, we had a go too, I’m afraid to say. The last thing I remember is Charlotte Church, who’d accompanied Gavin Henson, one of the European team, murdering ‘Summertime’ while Michael Douglas, wearing his dressing gown, dragged a tipsy Catherine Zeta Jones to bed. Actually, that may have been while we were singing…

A year later,
The All*Star Cup
transferred to ITV, and this time it was hosted by me and Ant. Being producers and presenters at the same time was hard work, and it also meant we didn’t have as much time to get drunk with the teams in the bar, which is of course the most important part of any weekend like that. On the plus side, it meant we didn’t sing at the after-show party.

We went from summer on the golfcourse to winter in the rainforest and
I’m a Celebrity… Get Me out of Here!
As you’ll know from our ‘Day in the Life’ plate section, we usually arrive on site around 3 a.m., and the first show of the series is always manic: producers and editors are running round with worried looks on their faces, vehicles are coming and going… Our car pulled up to the production office, we clambered out – bleary-eyed, half asleep and not quite sure what day it was, when suddenly, Natalka, the executive producer, came skipping up to us.

‘
Great news – the series has started with a bang!’

‘Wow, what’s happened?’ we asked. ‘A fight already? A budding romance? Someone’s not walked out, have they?’ If we were still stood there now, we could never have predicted what she was about to say.

‘Carol Thatcher’s had a piss in the middle of camp and we’ve got it on camera!’

Carol was what’s technically known as a ‘game old bird’. She was eventually crowned Queen of the Jungle, but was lucky to make it to the end after one of the trials. It involved driving a Mini Moke, which is a kind of miniature jeep, across a huge ravine. She would be harnessed in, so that, when the Moke inevitably came off its tracks, she would be suspended hundreds of feet up in the air. The problem was that Carol got into the Moke and wanted to start it up before she’d even put the harness on and was seconds away from driving across a ravine with no harness and frankly no chance of surviving. Fortunately, Health and Safety got there in the nick of time. Game old bird, or mad posh lady? You decide.

I can clearly remember the moment I started to think Carol was going to do well. My mam works at Marks & Spencer’s in Newcastle, and she tells me what everyone thinks of all the contestants. Fairly early in the series, I rang home and spoke to her and she told me that her and all the girls at work really liked Carol – she was a bit batty but prepared to give anything a go. It’s always great to get feedback from home, although Dec takes it a bit far, and keeps his mobile switched on while we’re doing the live show.

It might sound unprofessional, and that’s because it is, but I like getting texts during the show, because you get an instant response to what we’re doing. Someone who sends them quite regularly is David Walliams. One show, he complained that me and Ant were starting to look a bit lacklustre with our opening cry of ‘I’m a Celebrity… Get Me out of Heeeerrrreeeee!’ on the bridge, so we did it with extra enthusiasm the following day, jumping up and down and looking as excited as possible. Another one was just to tell me that a jacket I was wearing looked ‘a little bit gay’. He’s nice like that, David.