Only Through Love: A Cane River Romance Novella (2 page)

             “I
just need to take a break for a little while.” Charlie looked around at the
rows and rows of antique leather volumes filled with poetry, philosophy,
history, ancient ballads and novels. “You always said that technology was going
to be humanity’s downfall. I’ve been immersed in coding and digital art for so
long I clean forgot what it was like to be in the real world.”

             “You
don’t really believe that.”

            “It’s
just an experiment. I’m ready to step away from it all. You know, like Thoreau.”

            “You
mean when he moved to Walden Pond? He didn’t step so far away. He was only a
few miles from the city and I think his mom was still doing his laundry,” Alice
said.

            “Really?
Wasn’t he, like, forty years old?”

            “My
point is that giving up technology completely isn’t the answer. The fact that I
married Paul tells you I realized that I was wrong.”

            Charlie
winced at the sound of Paul’s name. She thought the guilt would fade with time,
but it had only grown stronger. “Or maybe you were just in love. People in love
go against everything they believe.” She realized she’d said too much as soon as
the words left her mouth.

            “
Sha
…”
Alice’s green eyes shimmered with sudden tears. “Has something… did someone…”

            A
hot band of grief tightened around Charlie’s heart. It had been four months,
four long months of rebuilding her life but whenever she thought about what
she’d done, it still felt like yesterday.

            “You
can always talk to me,” Alice said. “No judgement. No advice if you don’t want
it. I’m here, as your friend, if you need to talk to someone. About anything.”

           
Girl,
you’ve missed a lot and I don’t know even know where to begin.
Charlie
struggled to sound light hearted. “No, no, it’s nothing like that. Imagine that
you’re my Emerson, and I’ve finally decided to see what happens when I cut all
ties to my online life. Who knows what kind of inspiration and understanding
I’ll achieve. I could be a whole new person. Gentler, wiser, more open to
accepting my fellow humans.”

            “Have
you read Walden? It’s full of irony and satire. It skewers a lot of the social
customs of the time. He’s not particularly gentle or accepting of people.”

            “Oh,
well…” Charlie couldn’t think of a rebuttal. The honest truth was that this was
no break. She never intended to go back. “Can I stay? If it’s not too much
trouble? I might have to change my schedule a little when I get another job,
but it would be so great if I could count on a few hours here.”

            “Of
course, Charlie. Of course. You can even work here full time. I really do need
a manager, now that Aurora takes up so much of my time.” Alice’s eyes were
shadowed with worry. “You’ve been living with your cousin Jasmine for the
summer, right? Are you staying there?”

            “No,
she’s been real nice to let me stay the summer, but her roommate comes back for
school in a few weeks. I’ve got some places lined up, but I haven’t exactly decided.
I’ll let you know.” Six months ago she would have waved her arms in the air and
shouted something about a dance party, but now she simply let the relief push
away the ache in her chest. “Thank you. Again. Really.”

            Alice
seemed about to ask another question when the little brass bell tinkled from
where it hung on the front door. A tall, lanky young man walked through the
doorway. His blonde hair was brushed casually to one side and he had an open,
friendly face. The office wear hinted that he might be a lawyer or maybe a
mid-level manager. He lifted a hand in greeting but Charlie didn’t respond. It
only took a fraction of a second, but she pegged him for the golden boy type,
the kind that needed only to flash a perfect smile and doors would open in
front of him.
Born on third base and going through life thinking he hit a
triple.
She’d never found middle class privilege so annoying before, but
things were different now. She turned her back.

            “Don’t
worry about the schedule. I’ll make everything work out,” Charlie insisted. She
could hear the young man walking up behind them and her shoulders tensed. She
didn’t want anybody knowing her business and he seemed determined to insert
himself into the conversation.

            “Austin,
so good to see you,” Alice called out. She waved him over, adjusting the
blanket a little. “Is everything okay in the apartment?”

            “Perfect.
Just perfect,” he said. His voice was low and pleasant, and his smile was just
the right mix of sincerity and reassurance that put people at ease. Charlie
watched Alice settled back in her chair again, relief in her face. She wondered
why Alice worried about her tenants being unhappy. She didn’t need the rent
money. If this guy didn’t like it, he could leave.

            “Hi,”
he said, and held out a hand.  Charlie didn’t have any choice but to take it.
Tall, well-mannered Southern men were a dime a dozen in Natchitoches and she
didn’t look him in the eye when she gave her name.

            “Charlie
is our science fiction and fantasy expert,” Alice said. “You love sci fi, don’t
you, Austin?”

             “I’m
no expert. I only know where things go on the shelves,” Charlie said.

            “That’s
not true at all,” Alice said, and there was a layer of shock in her words.
“You’ve read everything from Heinlein to Jules Verne, Ray Bradbury to Tolkien,
and all the new stuff that I don’t carry unless you insist we need it in the
collection.”

            “Jules
Verne, huh?” He sounded genuinely interested.

            Charlie
looked up, already knowing what came next. He’d manage a few lines or maybe
talk about his favorite book, and expect her to let that pass for a deep and
lasting connection. He’d think they were friends. “Yeah.”

            His
bright blue eyes were as clear as the sky but they narrowed just a little. She
could see the wheels turning. Some men loved a challenge. Some men loved to be
chased. As soon as Charlie knew which he was, she’d do the opposite.

            He
said nothing.

            Alice
looked from one to the other. “She’s double majoring in programming and digital
design at University of Louisiana. You just graduated from there last year,
right?  Maybe you saw each other on campus.” Alice ignored Charlie’s look and
didn’t stop to take a breath. “And she plays Ultimate Voyager. She’s played it
for years and years, ever since it first came out.”

             “That
right? What’s your screen name? Maybe we’ve crossed paths.”

            Charlie
felt a chill travel down her spine even though the bookstore bordered on
uncomfortably warm.
Crossed paths.
Most dedicated players knew her
story. Maybe they didn’t know her real name, where she lived exactly, or what
she looked like but they all knew what had happened. On message boards and
private groups, thousands of people had argued and discussed her story, playing
judge with only half the facts and playing executioner with an avatar that
stood for a real person.

            “I
doubt it,” she said and turned to Alice. “I have to go run an errand, if that’s
okay.”

            Alice
nodded, her deep green eyes shadowed with concern. “I’ll be here.”

            Charlie
felt a rush of gratitude for small mercies. Even though she was married to a
tech billionaire game developer, Alice avoided the internet and the gaming
groups. To Alice, Charlie was still Charlie, and not the girl who trusted the
wrong person and learned just how cruel a few thousand online bullies could be.

We
live as much in all that we have lost

As
what we own.

―William
Wetmore Story

            Charlie
forced a smile as she passed Austin on her way out the door. He could take his
boy-next-door routine right back to the juvenile justice center. She didn’t
have any compassion for the criminals there, and couldn’t be bothered with some
guy who spent his days coddling a group of juvenile delinquents. Sometimes
people were just bad. Sometimes they just wanted to hurt and destroy.

            She
glanced back as she stepped through the door into the late summer heat. Alice
sat behind the desk, her usual smile gone. Austin stood to the side, hands in
his pockets, his gaze unfocused and directed somewhere at the far end of the
room.

            The
boardwalk was busy that afternoon. Pedestrians meandered past in groups of
three or four. The humidity coated her skin and she dragged in a few short
breaths. When she’d been forced to give up her online persona, she felt as if
someone had died, and for a while, she wished she had. But then it had gotten
worse. Much worse.

            When
the head of her department called her in and accused of her cheating, she wondered
how far her former friends would go to destroy her life. She’d done her best to
fight the accusations until the moment she’d realized her college account was
completely empty. Then she stopped fighting the administration and started
worrying how she’d ever finish her senior year if she got to stay. The day
after she decided to ask Alice for help, Paul announced Screenstop had been
hacked and the last five years’ worth of projects had been leaked, making them
worthless.  Screenstop stock plummeted. The company’s value was cut in half. Charlie
had known, in that moment, how far her former friends would go. It had never
been about cheating, or money, or hacking. It hadn’t been a con, and she hadn’t
been the mark. It had been about being a girl.

            The
warm breeze smelled of mud and the slow moving river just a few feet away.
Charlie shivered despite the heat. There had been nothing left to do but pack her
things and quietly move back home. Her Mama always said,
You can hide the
fire, but what are you gonna do with the smoke?
It was true, there was a
lot of smoke and Natchitoches was a small town. Everybody knew everybody.
People counted cousins to the fourth degree and two steps down.

            But
she was safe in Natchitoches because she was hiding in plain sight. People only
knew the teenage Charlie who worked at the bookstore and doodled on her shoes
and read anything with a dragon on the cover. Her other life, the one she’d
always felt had really mattered, was now as distant as the moon. Everything was
fine. She’d survived. Here, she would try to forget how stupid she’d been and
how carelessly she’d treated her heart.

                                      
                   ***

            “I’m
sorry about that,” Alice said, her gaze still fixed on the front door of By the
Book.

            “Nothing
to be sorry about. I’m not the only pebble on the beach.” Austin Becket gave
his best impression of a guy who barely noticed when a beautiful woman snubbed
him. The truth was, Charlie’s brush off had stung his pride just a smidge. “I
don’t expect a hug and kiss from every girl in the city, ya know.”

            She
let out a soft laugh. “You and Father Tom are so alike.”

            “I’m
not sure how to take that,” he said. It was hard being the much younger brother
of the beloved parish priest. It wasn’t any easier to be the much younger
brother of Gideon, the ex-con turned family man.

            “In
the very best way. He has a certain gift. He makes everyone feel at ease.”

            “That’s
true, but I don’t think I got that gift.” He not only didn’t get that gift, he
had to work hard just to do his job. He spent hours staring at the ceiling
every night, praying he didn’t let anyone slip through the cracks, hoping that
God would give him the right words to say.

            Alice
adjusted the baby and removed the blanket, lifting the tiny girl onto her
shoulder. “Well, you’re both so approachable.” She paused, a frown between her
eyebrows. “And usually Charlie is, too. She’s been different this summer.
Quiet. Almost sad. And I can’t figure out why.”

            “You
said she’s in college? That can be stressful.” Here he was, playing sidewalk counselor
again. It was strange how people confided in him at the oddest times. He must
have an invisible sign like Lucy’s in the Peanut cartoons
. Psychiatric Help,
five cents.
But his would have a disclaimer: 
I don’t really know what
I’m doing.

            “Maybe.”
She didn’t look convinced. Standing up she paced the small area behind the
desk, patting her baby gently on the back. “Charlie has always been… well,
she’s always been Charlie.”

            “Hm,”
he said.

            Alice
laughed. “That doesn’t mean much to you, though, does it? You know some people
are described as being like an open book. Charlie was like a mirror. No, that’s
not right. She didn’t ever reflect the people around her. She was always just
herself. Even when she was obsessing about those online games or desperate to
get into certain groups, she was still herself.”

             “And
now?”

            She
frowned up at the ceiling, her patting slow and rhythmic. “She’s a mystery now.
She doesn’t talk much, hardly smiles. I can’t tell what’s going on in her
head.”

            “I
think I know what you mean.” He worked with a lot of kids at the juvenile
justice center like that. They kept everything close to the vest. Some acted
that way out of fear, others because they wanted the upper hand in every
conversation. Some were perfect little con artists who spent all their time
trying to sniff out your weaknesses. If he were better at his job, he’d be able
to tell them apart.

            “Charlotte
Bronte said the human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence
sealed.” Alice glanced at him. “I don’t want you to think I have to know
everything in her head. Not at all. It’s just so out of character for her to
keep her thoughts to herself.” 

            “She
hasn’t said anything at all?”

            “She
did, finally. Just today.”  Her voice was muted, solemn. “She’s not going back
to school.”

            He
leaned against the counter. “Did she flunk out?”

            “I
don’t think so. I mean, I’m not sure. She’s real smart and has never struggled
at all.”

            “But
sometimes smart kids have school problems, too.” He was quoting directly from a
pamphlet at the center.

            “Maybe
so. But it seemed more than that. Like broken heart.”

            “Ending
a dating relationship can be as traumatic as a divorce.” That was straight from
Romantic Loss, chapter five of his senior year’s psychology book on Grief and
Coping.

            “But
she seems like she needs money, too, which is odd.” She shot him a look. “I’m
not gossiping. I’m just trying to figure out what’s happened, and since you
have all that experience…”

            He
skipped over her compliment. “You’re a good friend. She’s lucky to have you.”

             “I
just can’t figure it out. Sometimes I think it’s money but I know she has a
college fund because I offered to pay her tuition. I didn’t want her to go into
debt.” She was speaking to herself now.

            “Very
kind of you,” he murmured. A lot of the time, people could arrive at the right
conclusion on their own. They just needed a listening ear, which was good for
him because he didn’t know the answers.

            “I
thought it was because this spring her parents moved to Florida to be close to
her grandparents, who are getting frail.” Alice patted Aurora’s little bottom while
she talked. “She didn’t seem upset about it at all last year. She seemed ready
to be out on her own.”

            “Senior
year can be a time fraught with change and some people dig in their heels, not
wanting to let go of their life as a student. They’ll miss their friends and
their social lives.”

            “No,
it really seems like something awful happened and she’s hiding it. Even at
church, she’s so different. She always sat with us, but now she usually comes a
little late and sits way in the back.” She glared at the desk, as if it were
personally responsible for the changes in Charlie’s personality. “Oh, never
mind. I’m just talking myself in circles. I’m sure she’ll come around
eventually and share whatever happened.” She looked up. “You’re right. It’s
probably nothing.”

            Austin
wanted to point out that he’d never said it was nothing, but he nodded, as
usual. Someone had once told him he had a gift for listening. That person had
been wrong. He had a gift for not knowing quite what to say.

            “Look
at me! Such manners. You come into my store and I talk your ear off.” Alice
shifted the baby around and suddenly Aurora’s dark little eyes peered up at
him. “Did you need anything special today?”

            “I
thought I’d browse your fantasy section and see if anything looks good. I’m out
of books.”

            “Horrors.”
She flashed him a smile and led the way toward the back room. “We did just get
a few new additions, things Charlie asked me to order. Of course, if it’s
modern and we have it, then you’ve probably already read it. I usually stock
vintage books.” She paused as she reached the first range. “Oh, and if you have
an ereader, our city library is setting up a new borrowing system.”

            “A
bookstore owner advising me to borrow books from the library. I’m not sure what
to think.” He knew he liked Alice from the first moment he met, but now he
admired her, too.

            “I’m
all about the books, Austin,” she said. “And that’s why my bookstore was
running in the red before I met Paul.”

            He
plucked a fat volume from the shelf. “You’re dedicated to entertaining the
bored and lonely people of Natchitoches.”

            She
was quiet for a moment. “Franklin Roosevelt said books burn, but they can’t be
killed by fire.  People die, books never die. No man or force can abolish
memory, and that in this war we’re fighting, books are weapons.”

            Austin
glanced at her, noting the set of her mouth and the steel in her gaze. Maybe
he’d misjudged Alice. Maybe she was one of those people that listened to too
much talk radio and believed the country was on the cusp of an implosion.  “Are
we fighting a war?”

            “Of
course. A war against our baser selves, a war against prejudice and ignorance
and hatred. A war against greed and narcissism.” She shifted the baby and
looked into her little face, brushing back her curls. “When I think of what
legacy I want to leave her, I don’t think about this building or what’s in the
bank account. I want to leave her a community of people who
remember
.”

            “Remember
books? But so few people read. Or they read only the new stuff.” He motioned to
a thousand page book with a green dragon on the cover.

            “Every
good book holds truth in it. The first year Charlie worked here, she nagged at
me until I read that series. I still have it on my shelf. I’m sure a critic
would reduce it to a coming of age story, or something about a boy discovering
how special he is. But for me, it’s all about remembering our family, our past,
and the things we once believed about ourselves before we got beat down and
discouraged.”

            Austin
stared at the cover and thought of his parents. They’d waited for Gideon to get
out of prison, never forgetting their adopted son for a moment, even when he’d
committed a terrible crime. He thought of the way they always treated Tom like
their child, rather than placing him on a pedestal in the clouds now that he
was a pastor. And as for Austin, they always told him how proud they were of
him, but never made him feel as if he had to reach some exalted job position in
order to make them happy. He was their son and they held him close even when
he’d been at school or during the long back packing trip he’d taken one summer.
They passed down their wisdom, their traditions, their faith. They
remembered
.
And he’d failed to honor that.

            “Look
at me, giving you a big speech when you just wanted some reading material.”
Alice’s face had gone pink. “Never ask a bookstore owner why she sells books,
right?”

            “Thank
you.” He took the whole set from the shelf. “I’ll take these.”

            “Oh,
you don’t have to buy those just because of my speech. I’m sorry I cornered you
in here.” She held up a hand as if she wasn’t going to let him take the books.
“I can get so passionate that I completely forget my manners. You should ask
Paul about the first time we met. I accused him of being a book murderer and
then tried to throw him out of the store.”