Only One Life (18 page)

The thin woman shook her head. “Freedom is not the same for me as for you.”

Camilla sat motionless.

“I would rather be home with my husband than be free and lonely.”

Camilla didn’t understand what she meant.

“Why would you be more lonely when you weren’t with a man who would hit you?” Camilla asked.

“If you don’t belong anywhere anymore, then you have no one. Then no one will talk to you. You don’t get invited anywhere. The children are not allowed to play with other children, and there’s not even any guarantee you will get to keep your last name. You will be totally alone, an outcast.”

Camilla was speechless at the way Sada rattled this all off, as if it had come straight from some kind of list of rules.

“Who says all that?” Camilla asked.

For the first time a glint came into Sada’s eye that could have been mistaken for a small smile.

“It’s not something anyone says. That’s just how it is, and how it has always been for those who bring shame to their families.”

“Yeah, but you darn well can’t avoid things happening in a family that will make waves, and you don’t necessarily have to become an outcast because of it,” Camilla said heatedly. It wasn’t that she hadn’t heard of honor and shame before, but this all sounded completely crazy to her ears.

Sada sat for a moment before responding, as if she were searching for the right words.

“It’s only in the closest family that honor and shame really mean something. If it’s someone you don’t know, who cares? Then it doesn’t mean anything.”

Camilla had no idea what Sada was talking about.

“There can be conflict within a family without it necessarily resulting in any consequences. It’s only once the extended family hears about it that things can get tricky.”

“You mean if other people start talking about it?”

Sada nodded. “You don’t want that,” she said. “You don’t want anyone speaking ill of your family.”

Camilla was with her so far. She urged Sada to explain what kinds of issues could be so important that they would result in abuse or expulsion. Because she did not understand.

“I can certainly appreciate that some people might feel it was impinging on the family’s honor if one family member did something wrong, but I can’t understand how this would result in such a physically violent outcome,” Camilla said.

“Danish families also expel people,” Sada said, after pausing a moment to think.

Camilla was about to protest.

“Pedophiles, for example,” Sada continued.

Words failed her, but Camilla understood what Sada was saying and her eyebrows shot up. “That’s not a fair comparison,” Camilla exclaimed in her shock.

Sada nodded and said that that was precisely the same way one might be excluded from a family unit in her culture. “People who do that are the worst kind of scum. No one wants to be with them and people won’t protect them either,” the slender immigrant woman said.

Silence prevailed between them, as the thoughts slowly settled into place in Camilla’s head. She regretted promising she wouldn’t write anything without obtaining permission first, because it was pretty easy to see that she wasn’t going to get it in this case. She sensed a peace between them, as if all the air had gone out of a balloon. But she also sensed that a new intimacy was burgeoning between them, which was what made her decide not to even try to pressure the woman for permission to use anything from their conversation.

“Would your husband have been able to kill your daughter if she had violated the family’s honor?” Camilla took a deep breath once that question was out there. It had been burning away at her since they’d sat down, but she hadn’t even contemplated whether she dared ask it. Now it was done.

She noted that Sada’s shoulders rose a smidge when she understood what she was being asked, but then slowly fell back into place again as she answered.

“He might. But our daughter didn’t do anything to violate our family. To the contrary. She was our pride. He took care of her,” she said, taking great pains to emphasize the words, making them unwavering.

“Are you afraid of him?” Camilla asked.

Sada looked at Camilla in surprise and then responded with a convincing “No.” Then she continued, “On those occasions when something happened, he had a reason to react. He didn’t have one in this case.”

This statement made Camilla suspect that Ibrahim had hit Sada more than once. It had happened before, but just hadn’t been reported to the police.

“I’m not afraid of my husband,” Sada said, “even though he can lose his temper and do dumb things. But I am afraid that they will come and take the little ones away.”

“Who will?” Camilla asked, her thoughts still on the rest of Sada’s family.

“The government. I won’t be allowed to keep my children after what you wrote.”

And with that, they were back where they’d started, but the feeling in Camilla’s stomach was totally different now than the one she’d had when Sada had started scolding her.

“They’re not going to come take your children away. You’re a good mother. They have no reason to.”

“They don’t know how it is. They only see what’s in the paper.”

“Well, I don’t believe that,” Camilla said, but she knew that the other woman wasn’t entirely wrong. Camilla had stoked the fire and possibly set something in motion that she had not understood the repercussions of, but she hadn’t been thinking about her article as something that could have this type of direct consequence. Now she regretted that she hadn’t just written a sentimental piece about a town where some teenagers were grieving the loss of a good classmate.

Repercussions
, Camilla thought, afraid it was a word that was going to follow her for the entire case.

“I’d really like to write about what you told me today. It might help your case.”

“No, no.” Sada vigorously shook her little head. “You mustn’t.”

“I don’t need to say the two of us talked. I can write something about honor and shame, about the loneliness and fear of becoming an outcast, and why it might be necessary to act as you did.”

“No one will bother reading that to try to understand,” Samra’s mother said, suddenly sounding tired.

Camilla smiled at her.

“You leave that to me. I’ll just throw something together.” Before they stood up, Camilla pulled out her card with the paper’s number and her own cell phone number on it. “Call me. Also if you just want to talk,” Camilla said. “I’ll be back in Holbæk again next week.”

Sada nodded and took the card.

“Take care of yourself,” Camilla said as they parted. “And thank you for coming.”

She stood there outside the hotel watching Sada walk across Banegård Square to catch a bus she could take home.

17

L
OUISE QUIETLY COASTED DOWN THE STREET AND PARKED NEXT TO
a red wooden building with a big sign that said Hamam. She sat looking at it for a bit, wondering, until it suddenly dawned on her that she had once read an article about a Turkish bath opening in Holbæk. She and Camilla had even toyed with trying it out.
So this is where it is
, she thought, getting out of the car. The Rowing Club was on her right, and a little ways out in the water, along a pier, were the Oceanside Baths—a small redwood building with a number of small, attractive cabins all painted white.

She wondered for a second if she shouldn’t head back up the road and try going in through the clubhouse to find Mik, or if she should go down to the water and see if she could get through that way.

“Hi!”

He had spotted her before she saw him. He was standing along the shore in a wet suit and a life jacket, which wasn’t buckled shut yet, but what she noticed first were his bright-yellow plastic clogs. Attractive they were not and yet they were all the rage, but they were one of the last things she would have expected to see her not-all-that-hip partner wearing. He was standing with a bunch of men and women in wet suits and fluorescent yellow-and-orange life jackets. There was a line of sea kayaks, ready to put into the water, and she realized she had interrupted the class, which was already under way. A little embarrassed, she walked over and greeted the others.

“I got one out for you,” Mik said, pointing to the red Daggerbrand kayak, which was the one farthest away.

She walked over and stood next to it and listened along as he explained that the sea kayak had two sealed compartments, which meant it couldn’t sink, and they also served as storage space if you were going on a trip.

He held something up that looked pretty much like a skirt and explained that it was a spray skirt, which you attached around your waist before you climbed into the kayak and then pulled taut and secured over the opening.

“Start from the back,” he said, demonstrating how to secure it. “That way you won’t get water in your kayak. It will come off easily if you capsize in the water, so don’t be afraid of getting stuck if that happens.”

Louise looked around at the other students, listening attentively to his explanation. Personally, she didn’t have the slightest desire to capsize, whether she had one of these skirts on or not. She was having a hard time paying attention. It was totally discombobulating to see Mik Rasmussen in the role of kayaking instructor.

He showed them how far to pull their kayaks out into the water before climbing into them, and then he came over to Louise and said that he’d laid out all her equipment for her up in the dressing room.

“But you didn’t even know I was going to come,” she protested, as they walked back up to the clubhouse.

“Of course you were going to come. No one ever turns down a free kayaking lesson,” he said, holding the door open for her.

She refrained from commenting that that had more to do with the fact that she didn’t have anything else to do today and that kayaking had just been an alternative to an afternoon at the movies.

“Did you bring your swimsuit?” he asked. She shook her head.

“Then you’ll have to make do with underwear under your wet suit, but I hope you brought an extra set, otherwise you’ll be uncomfortable once you’ve been in the water.”

“Yeah, but I’m not going in the water,” she protested.

“Well, we’ll see.” He found her a life jacket and asked if she wanted to wear a parka underneath. “I don’t think it’s cold enough for you to need that,” he added helpfully.

Louise just nodded, hoping he wasn’t expecting her to start pulling on the wet suit while he stood there watching.

“Come down when you’re ready,” he said, turning his back to her.

The suit was still a little wet, and she was already having regrets as she felt the clammy neoprene against her skin. She kept her sneakers on, feeling annoyed that she hadn’t given any thought to what she ought to bring, but she hadn’t really been planning on coming. She didn’t even have a towel, which was really dumb, she realized.

The others were already sitting out on the water when Louise reached the shore. Mik was standing there waiting for her as he yelled his instructions to the class. He helped her with the kayak and held it while she climbed in. He carefully pushed her the last little bit out into the water.

“Find the balance point,” he said and she took the paddle he passed her.

“The curved side should go down next to the water,” he reminded her.

She turned to give him an irritated look, but noticed how the kayak started tipping when she turned around. She quickly straightened back up and took a first cautious stroke in the water. She let the paddle rotate in the palm of her hand and switched to the other side. Then she started moving forward, stroke by stroke. It surprised her that she didn’t feel more unsure of herself, so close to the surface of the water, but it felt nice. She gradually, gently reached the other students, who already seemed to have enough control over their paddles and kayaks that they could maneuver around without bumping into each other.

Mik had hopped into his own kayak and was already on his way out. “We’re going to paddle down to the other side of Strandparken,” he yelled. “And when we return, I’ll show you how to get back up again if you land in the water.”

In the beginning her arms hurt, especially the left, but then she straightened her back and stretched it out at a right angle and could feel that things were going better. Once they’d rounded the hotel and were on their way back, she realized she was actually enjoying this. She had never pegged herself as a water-sports enthusiast, but this was great. The autumn sun was shining low in the sky, and she was gliding through the water very peacefully. She’d quickly figured out how to control the way you turned by back-paddling so the motion of the water acted as a brake, and the boat would slow down and start to change directions.

“If you fall in the water, you’ll need to do an assisted recovery,” Mik explained as the kayaks bobbed in a group in the water in front of the Rowing Club. He had everyone’s attention.

“First you empty the water out of the kayak. Let’s just try. Hop in,” he said, and for a second Louise thought he was talking to her. She held her breath until she realized he was talking to a guy with long hair behind her. The man was down in the water quickly and Mik paddled over to him and positioned himself alongside.

“Start by flipping the kayak over and emptying out the water,” he instructed, and, along with the long-haired man, he pulled the kayak up over his own so the front part was resting on his.

“The water empties out like this,” he explained as he demonstrated. “Then you have to get back in.” He turned the kayak over again and pushed it into the water so it was parallel to his. “You support it while your buddy climbs in.”

Louise was glad it wasn’t her. It didn’t look easy.
Although on the other hand, I probably ought to learn what to do in this situation
, she thought. Just then, she felt a sharp jerk on her own kayak and before she had a chance to react, she was halfway over and just barely had time to wonder if her spray skirt would come loose so she wouldn’t be trapped under the water. But it had already come free and she was out by the time her kayak was floating bottom up beside her.