Only Love (5 page)

He looked at me without judgment and only with positivity; that’s why I respected him. He’d been there. Been there without reprieve through all the never-ending crap with me. Yeah, I had this man’s back. But he definitely had mine, too.

He picked up a towel off a bench. Running it along his forehead with a smile, he came over to me. “I’ll have one for you,” he said then escorted me out of the gym and to our shift.

The second I exited I-94 onto Outer Drive, my gas light began to flash on the dashboard, letting me know if I drove much further without filling up I’d be sorry. Already, I was ten minutes late getting Rissa from Aunt Jen’s and I knew she didn’t play about getting downtown to the casino on Friday nights. She’d give me an earful when I got to her house, but I couldn’t risk running out of gas with Rissa in the car. So as much as I was against stopping at gas stations in the middle of the night, I didn’t have much choice.

Lucky for me, there was a station right off the freeway, preventing me from having to drive too far. The lot was lit well enough, but that didn’t always mean anything. I pulled up to a pump and dug down in my purse for the ten-dollar bill I should’ve had in the side pocket and then realized I’d used it to pay Gabby for babysitting the night before. Remembering my account was overdrawn, which meant I couldn’t use my debit card, I resorted to plan C—dig for as much change as I could find and pray it was enough to get me there to pick up my baby and get home.

After scraping together seven dollars, I made my way inside to pay. The older gentlemen in front of me paid for his lottery tickets and pack of cigarettes and then moved aside, tucking his purchase in his pocket before exiting the store.

“Can I help you?”

I looked up at the clerk when he spoke and tried to hide the embarrassment that had my pride in a headlock. Truth was, I was tired of living check-to-check, only to have
that
not even be enough to make it to the end of the week. As if I was handing over a hundred-dollar bill to the cashier, I dumped the change in the man’s hand as he gazed at me over the counter. Yes, I knew he didn’t feel like counting it, but this was all I had.

“Seven on pump four,” I said dryly, wondering if he was judging me, although he’d said nothing that would indicate he was. His eyes were on me a moment longer and then he began counting.

“You’re all set,” the clerk said, dismissing me so I could get my gas, get Rissa, and get home.

“Thanks,” I said quickly, starting toward my car.

I counted the seconds as my tank filled, doing all I could to ignore the things I imagined my aunt saying and thinking about me because I was late. As soon as the pump clicked, I hurried to harness it again and screwed the gas cap quickly. With the engine started, I locked the car doors and pulled back out onto the street.

9:15…
If I had to guess, Aunt Jen was pacing in front of the door, watching for my headlights.

I was right. Before I could even get my foot out the car, the wrought-iron storm door flung open and I could see Rissa already had her shoes on when my aunt brought her out onto the porch. I ascended the steps and Aunt Jen shook her head, as if to say she was disappointed in my inability to get my daughter on time. She had no idea the kind of day I’d had, but I also knew telling her about it wouldn’t get me anywhere. She didn’t care. Never had.

“You know I’m supposed to meet Cheryl at Motor City at 9:00. We don’t just jump right on the slot machines; we like to eat at the buffet first. You could’ve at least called and said you were running behind. That’s the courteous thing to do.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Class held late and—”

“You could’ve… at least…
called
,” she repeated, scolding me with her eyes.

I bit my tongue, choosing to greet my child who was smiling like we’d been apart for months, instead of revealing to my aunt that I couldn’t make outgoing calls at the moment. Not until I paid my cell phone bill. That would’ve only brought down her judgment on me, and I didn’t need that from her or anyone else. I was doing the best I could.

“Hey, baby!” I said, scooping Rissa up in my arms while Aunt Jen slid the diaper bag onto my shoulder, rushing me as I stood on her front porch.

My eyes finally met hers. “Thank you for watching her on such short notice,” I managed to convey with sincerity, although it was hard to show gratitude to someone so vindictive.

“Mmmhmm,” she said with a sigh. “What happened with her daycare anyway?” she inquired.

I cleared my throat while thinking up an excuse. Aside from my grandparents who passed a few years ago, I’d made it a habit to keep my family out of my business. This wasn’t hard to do because it wasn’t like they cared all that much about what went on in my life anyway. When they did happen to inquire, it was usually just to be nosey, not out of concern.

“There’s a flu or something going around and one of the caregivers called and suggested that all the parents find someplace else for the kids to go until Monday. That way they can disinfect everything and the virus can run its course,” I lied.

“Mmmhmm,” Aunt Jen repeated. “Well I hope it goes like you say, ‘cause I have things to do next week.”

My aunt’s expression changed to a soft smile when she leaned toward me to kiss my daughter. “Bye, baby. Be good, you hear?”

Rissa didn’t say a word, just rubbed her sleepy eyes. Aunt Jen’s emotionless glare returned when she met my gaze again. “Take care of that baby,” she said, sending off a red flag inside my head with her tone. I wasn’t sure how to take the statement because of it.

“Always,” I replied vaguely, not wanting to make something out of nothing.

“Hmm… just make sure you get her some new shoes soon. And I don’t
mean after you get
you
some. The ones she’s wearing are too small, Aubrey. She started crying as soon as I got her feet in them.”

A heat hotter than the depths of hell swam up my spine. I’d just purchased my daughter two new pairs of shoes that were a whole half size larger than what she actually wore so she could grow into them—and she was wearing a pair.

Was she implying that I don’t take care of—

“And she’s ready for you to start potty training her, too. I know you think your schooling is all that’s important, but this
baby
is what’s important. If you wanted to get your degree, you should’ve thought about that before
you to laid down and—”

I couldn’t let her finish that sentence. “Excuse me? I always
take care of Marissa. I think about her needs before I ever
consider doing something for myself.” My heart was racing with rage inside my chest, but I tried not to let it show on my face. “And for your information, I’m going to school for Marissa, too, not just myself.” Feeling myself getting even more heated, I stared my aunt down. However, I didn’t want to let myself go there in front of Rissa, so instead of going off, I took to the steps and headed toward my car. “I’m just gonna go. Thanks again for keeping her last minute,” I said, trying to keep my cool but failing miserably. Anger was heavy in my tone.

“Whatever, Aubrey. Just get that baby on the potty,” she called out behind me as I quickened my pace toward the car. Her words and assumptions stung, but I refused to cry. It took everything in me, but I refused.

The short drive to my apartment from my aunt’s house was mostly silent. I kept the radio off and listened only to Rissa’s random noisemaking in the backseat. Somehow, the sound of her happy voice soothed me—made the sting of my aunt’s accusations fade into the distance. It was amazing that so many things were wrong, but my daughter was blissfully unaware of all of it. When I met her eyes in the rearview mirror, she gave a grin of mostly gums. I smiled back and shut off the engine.

She continued to ramble while I undid the straps of her car seat and walked the long pathway to the front door of the building. Although it was dark, children continued to run about the lawn, playing on the less than safe playground equipment off to the side, which had more rust than paint covering the metal posts and bars. A few of the older neighbors hung around as well, sitting on nearby benches, smoking, laughing, and carrying on conversation. One or two waved, but the rest didn’t even seem to notice that I passed. I carried Rissa up the flights of stairs and fatigue hit me hard by the time I got to our floor. Working eight hours and then heading to class at night was taking a toll on me, but I had to keep pressing toward the mark. Just a little while longer and I’d be making enough money to be free of this place, to get away from my family, and to start a new life somewhere safer.

“Look how much I made!” Gabby’s excited voice rang in my ears. I watched as she came bounding down the hallway, clutching her candy box. Despite how upset I still was, I managed to smile at her, glancing inside her envelope at what I guessed to be about thirty dollars.

“Not bad. Is that from around here or from school?” I asked, sticking the key in the lock of my apartment door.

Gabby’s sigh caught my attention. “From here. Officer Ad—” she started, quickly amending her statement and dropping the formal title. “Adam wouldn’t let me take it this morning. This is my emergency stash from under my bed. Hopefully he got me some sales at work, though,” she joked.

I shook my head at her and tried not to think of Adam when she mentioned his name. The uniform threw me off when he answered his door this morning, which he seemed to notice, but the chaos that took place during breakfast served as a distraction from it. I all but forgot what he had on, trying to keep my girls, Rissa and Gabby, in line while getting ready for work. It was a little embarrassing having him see how out of control things can get around here, but he seemed to fit right in. Pretty well, actually. I liked that he was hard to scare off. My guess was he’d seen some pretty messed up stuff while on the force, so our madness was pretty much normal in his eyes.

Rissa started to whine a bit, so I set my things on the living room floor while I went to the fridge where I’d stored a few of the cold cloths for her to chew on, knowing they’d get too hard being in the freezer all day. Gabby kept her entertained for the short time it took me to return. Rissa accepted the cloth happily, as if she was beginning to recognize it as something pleasant. I smiled at that. Adam knew his stuff. I didn’t know
how
he knew that trick would work, but he did and I was grateful.

“You in a rush to leave?” I asked Gabby in the middle of her playing peek-a-boo with Rissa.

She looked up. “Nope. I was actually gonna ask if I could stay tonight.”

I made my way to the kitchen to get the garbage bag that needed to go out. “That’s fine. Keep an eye on her while I run this out?”

Gabby glanced at the bag in my hand and then nodded before going back to playing. I slipped into my gym shoes by the door and took to the stairs again. I opened the backdoor and walked the few yards to the dumpsters across the alley, tossing the bag inside before turning to go back into the building.

“You really shouldn’t be back here so late. Anything could happen,” a now familiar voice warned. My natural reaction was to smile, but I quickly ditched the expression before turning to face Adam. I took in the sight of him, noticing he’d removed that god-awful uniform and replaced it with ‘
normal’
clothes—jeans and a t-shirt again, but white instead of gray this time. The fact that I remembered what color shirt he wore the night before meant I was paying closer attention to him than I realized. At the thought of it, I swallowed hard, looking down the alley instead of at him as I hugged my arms across my chest.

“Thanks for the concern, but I’ve lived in this neighborhood all my life,” I finally replied after laughing at the gravity in Adam’s tone. “One of us should be nervous out here, but I assure you it isn’t me.”

He smiled at that and shoved his hands into his pockets like he’d done the night before, giving off a certain boyish charm despite the fact that he was clearly all man. Again, I swallowed hard, but this time I didn’t look away.

“What are you doing out here?” I asked, wanting to divert my thoughts
.

“I try to do perimeter checks a few times a night just to make sure everything’s quiet,” he explained, turning slightly to sweep his eyes down to the other end of the alley. When he did, I saw his gun holstered at his hip. Without thinking, I took a step away from him, all of a sudden remembering what he did for a living.

“So… uh… your day was good?” he asked hesitantly, almost as if he wasn’t sure it was okay to do so.

The question made me reflect. Finding out my account was overdrawn and that the daycare’s check bounced first thing this morning set a precedent for the rest of my day. Javi calling, reminding me of our issues, although I didn’t answer, added to the drama. Then, between finding out hours were being cut in the Detroit Edison call-center where I worked, my class getting out late, and then the run in with my aunt, my day basically sucked. However, people never really wanted the truth when they asked about your day, so I gave Adam a general, “It was okay,” response.