Only Love (19 page)

Gabby made her way into the kitchen the second I set the box down on the counter. She was quieter than usual, which I figured had something to do with the fact that she wasn’t sure if she was in trouble or not. “Are there any chocolate-frosted ones?” she asked softly, wearing a look on her face that left me with the impression that if retreating to her mother’s apartment wouldn’t potentially end badly, she would’ve escaped there. The idea of her thinking that I was mad at her didn’t sit well with me. Was what she did dangerous? Absolutely, but Adam was right; there was probably a lot more to the story than that. She’d barely lifted the corner of the donut box to look inside when I trapped her in a tight hug. From the corner of my eye, I could see Adam watching us.

“Gabby, I’m not mad, so you don’t have to tiptoe around me.” I made sure she was listening before I went on. “If anything, I’m worried about you.” She stared and it broke my heart that I couldn’t be there twenty-four/seven to protect her from any and everything. “But I need you to talk to me. Now. Later. Whenever. But it needs to happen. I want you to tell me what’s going on. What happened last night wasn’t like you.”

I finished speaking and waited for her to respond. Twice her lips parted, but then closed again before she said what it was that she wanted to say. I literally saw her quench the truth, opting instead to feed me a generic line that would conceal her secrets as if I was a stranger. As if I couldn’t be trusted.

“Everything’s fine, Aubrey. I just messed up. Last night was on me.”

I stared. She stared. Both of us knew she wasn’t telling me the whole truth.

Releasing her completely from the embrace, I nodded and turned my back, masking the hurt of her lying right to my face by going to the fridge to get out the orange juice and milk. I was reaching for glasses in the cabinet when Rissa started whining to get out of her crib and my phone started ringing at the same time.

“I’ll get the baby. You can get the phone,” Adam offered.

I nodded, forcing a smile when I passed by Gabby on my way out of the kitchen, noting that she barely even made eye contact. We’d have words again later to address her behavior, because I refused to leave things the way they were. As if my heart wasn’t already heavy enough, it sank even further when I read Javi’s name flashing across the caller ID. While it would’ve been easy to ignore his call and address the conversation that needed to be had on another day, prolonging the inevitable wouldn’t change the fact that, after all the years we had invested, we’d reached the end of the road.

I got the feeling he knew where my head was when I answered. Immediately, he went into explaining and making excuses for why he’d gotten the credit card in my name—the source of our argument the night before.

“Aubrey… baby, I know you’re upset, but I did what I did for a reason.”

I lifted my eyes to the ceiling as I suppressed a sigh. “You did what you did because you’re selfish, Javi.” I didn’t bother lowering my voice. Adam could hear the whole conversation. I didn’t have anything to hide from him. “And ask me how I know your still the
exact
same today as you were when you left.” He was silent on the other end like I expected him to be. “Because you didn’t even have the decency to tell me what you’d done. You thought you’d get away with it, so why bother, right? Never mind the fact that not saying anything has ruined my credit. Never mind the fact that not saying anything is virtually the same as lying to me. All you care about is the same thing you’ve
always
cared about, Javi. Yourself.”

“You don’t believe that. Everything I do has been for you and—”

“Don’t… please. Don’t put that on Rissa and me. You joined the military because you couldn’t get yourself together otherwise
.
Not because of us.
”
By now my face was soaked with tears. From the hallway, I heard Adam stop outside my door while Rissa giggled in his arms. I guessed that he was probably debating whether or not to come in and comfort me or to let me have privacy. “Why can’t you just admit that we’ve ridden this out as far as it’s gonna go? This should’ve been over a long time ago, Javi. You know it. I know it.”

Javi’s breathing picked up, and I could hear it through the phone. “Aubrey…” was all he said before falling silent again. I hated myself for feeling sorry for him, but I did. I couldn’t help it. He deserved to hurt, though—to feel the repercussions of all he’d done to tear us apart over the years.

“Just wait until I get home, baby.
Please
. We can sort this all out. I promise. Just wait ‘til I get home,” he repeated, seemingly unashamed of how desperate he sounded.

I wiped my face with the back of my hand. “I’ve waited too long already, and I’m sick of your promises coming back void.” My throat tightened, but after one deep breath I finally spoke the words, surprisingly with little regret. “Javi, I’m done.”

Immediately, a burden heavier than I realized I’d been carrying lifted from my shoulders and I was sure I’d done the right thing.

Last night, I told Aubrey I wouldn’t take her, have her, while she was with someone else. She had no idea of the seriousness of that statement. I wouldn’t. I
couldn’t
physically make myself. People every day did that to each other. Cheated, messed around, and I couldn’t be a part of that. I couldn’t be that man who took a woman from another.

I refused to be that man.

That’s something I made clear to her, but even still I’d been aware of the emotions involved last night. The high we had for each other was uncontrollable by that point. One touch… tested me in the worst way possible. She probably could have told me anything, absolutely anything I wanted to hear and I would have believed her. I would have because that’s how much I wanted her, how much I think I needed her in my life, and I know that now. I hadn’t had anything deep like us in a while, in basically another life and time, and I’d been ready to jump in hell or high water to be with her on a single statement.

You’re not
, she’d said.
You’re not
.

I bedded her knowing the consequences of that statement. She may have been mine in those moments, her warm flesh against me, but I’d be a naïve man not to think about the possibilities of the next morning. Once the emotions had ebbed, she might have had a change of heart, and if she had, I’d let her. I’d let her because I cared about her so much I’d let her go. I would love her from afar if that’s what she needed me to do. But Marissa’s dad called, and I no longer worried about those thoughts of regret. She’d let him go, and though the pair of us still needed to have a talk about the future, I felt there was something I didn’t have before when I left her bed this morning, and that was hope. There was hope for the two of us to be together. There was hope.

I stared down at her daughter, her little hands rubbing her sleepy brown eyes as I had just gotten her up. I hitched her higher up my side and she patted my face. I’d make a note of that. She was a face patter. I chuckled lightly. “Let’s go see, Mommy,” I told her.

Her hand landed on my mouth and she gurgled words in imitation. Pushing open Aubrey’s bedroom door, I stepped in. Her face lit up at her daughter, and I handed her off to her. That sadness she ended her call with happily faded away with her baby in her arms.

I placed my hand on Rissa’s back. “I think she might start trying to talk soon. She likes to imitate.”

“Yeah, baby?” she asked her, receiving another pat to the mouth from her.

I laughed, rubbing the baby’s back. “Yeah.”

That made Aubrey happy. She rocked her for a few moments, and then looked up at me. There was something unspoken there in her eyes. I think she knew I just heard her on the phone, and though that was a conversation we needed to have, it didn’t have to be now. I lowered my hand, pushing them both into my pockets. “Breakfast?” I suggested.

Chewing her lip, she nodded once. “Breakfast.”

I punched a bag that evening after my shift, getting a long workout in at the precinct’s gym. They had me at a desk today. I think we’d all been backed up on paperwork lately. It was just a busy time in general but that worked out because Don had been absent today. I didn’t really know why, but imagine my surprise when he showed up during my last few minutes of my workout. He came over and spotted me behind the bag.

“Thanks,” I said, huffing because of my last punch. “I thought you were sick or something?”

He snorted. “Sick? When have you known me to be sick, kid?”

He was right. I hadn’t seen him take a sick day and I’d been working with the guy for over eight years. “So what’s up then?”

Shrugging, he took a step back with the punch I just made. “Chief wanted me to take a leave of absence.”

Pausing, I stood tall, unstrapping my gloves. “Why?”

He rose up as well. “I got a little drunk the night before. You know, with all the shit going on. Got in a fight at the restaurant with a guy at the bar. Nothing physical. Just got a little heated. Somehow it got back to the chief, and since that’s not normal for me, the fighting, he strongly urged me to take some time off. Thinks it’s ‘stress related’,” he paused, air quoting. “Anyway, the wife agrees. Nothing stopping me from working out, though, so I’m here.”

I worried he’d drink too much, which was why I asked Caroline to watch him. The man could be more stubborn than a mule sometimes if he wanted something, and had no doubt been too much for her. At least things didn’t stretch beyond a verbal altercation. It could have been so much worse and the man definitely didn’t need that on his plate as well.

I nodded at his statement, agreeing with his wife and the chief. “They’re both probably right, though. The stress? Couldn’t hurt taking some time just to get your mind right.”

Letting out a breath, he folded his arms over his chest, thinking about that. Smirking, he shook his head. “I shoot a wet back and this is what they do to me.”

I cringed at the statement, thinking it both inappropriate and unnecessary. Lowering, I grabbed my towel. “Not cool, Don.”

“What? That’s what he is.
Was
.”

Choosing not to argue, I headed to the locker rooms. Surprisingly, Don followed behind me. I heard his steps all the way to my locker.

“‘The hell is up with you, kid? Why are you getting all upset about one of them?”

Getting my combination right, I yanked the door opened and faced him. “Because he was a
kid
, Don. A kid who was very much Latin American so your comment was both uneducated and classless.”

His eyes flashed, gray eyebrows spiking with them and I wasn’t surprised. I usually let him get away with his ignorance, but tonight suddenly felt there was no place for it.
I
felt like there was no place for it nor did I have the time for it.

Staring at me, his eyebrows narrowed, and slowly he tilted his head back. “This about that girl isn’t it?”

Now, I was the one on the defense. If this was about who I thought it was that was warranted. Deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt, I questioned him. “What are you talking about?”

He folded large arms over his chest. “That girl you were with at the restaurant. I saw her baby. She didn’t look black like her. Like she had some of them in her.”

The fire that sparked underneath my skin also charged up my heart. I was an officer of the law. I didn’t lose my cool, was
trained
not to in order to keep myself out of heated situations when it came to my job. But never in my life would I have believed one of those situations would be now, with my partner who I trusted with my life, who I’d take a bullet for in a moment if that was needed, and who helped me in one of the darkest times of my life.

Never.

At this point, I was shaking, straddling a line of deep control and intense rage. I had to get it together. I wouldn’t let myself become something I wasn’t over an ignorant man and his statements.

Letting out a breath, I faced my locker and reached into it for my gym bag to go.

“That woman and her baby won’t compensate for them you know? Can’t replace what you had.”