Only for Her (6 page)

“I’ve changed. Army changed me. War changed me. Walking away from you… ruined me.”

My stomach swan dives. “Grayson… you can’t say things like that.”

“Shit, don’t see why not.” He groans. “You woke me up, thinking about you in my dream. Or nightmare. Not sure which anymore.”

“You really can’t say that!”

He laughs quietly. “Baby, I’ve come to learn it’s best to say whatever comes to mind.”

“I’m not sure that’s true.” I stare at the ceiling, wondering what would fall from my lips if I said whatever came to mind.
I still love you. I miss you. I have someone I’d like you to meet…

“It is.” He breathes into my ear. “I’ve learned the hard way. Lay it on the line, make up for lost time. Fix mistakes.”

“Shut up,” I whisper, pleading as my heart pounds.

“I was a kid. We were kids, and I was in deep. With you, Ems. And shit was going down at home. I got in my head, ended up enlisted.”

“People don’t end up enlisted.”

“I did.”

“How?”

He clears his throat. “That night at Pops’s trailer… couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see. I thought my head was gonna explode. Someone offered me a way out, I took it. That second, it seemed right.”

“It wasn’t.”

“I was stuck… and us, that night on the beach? I thought life couldn’t get any better that night. I took that memory and ran. Didn’t mean I was any less screwed.”

I’m two days shy of twenty-one, and I’ve never been with another man. It’s pathetic, but it’s because of him. Hearing his voice, I’m at a loss for the longing I feel. The deep need to be held, loved… “People said you died.”

He sucks a breath. “No. I’m the only one who made it out alive. Look, I’m sorry. But, Emma, I’m here now.”

My tummy flips, but I don’t know how to take
here now.
I need to redirect. “So… how did you get my number?” Does he know about Cally? Surely if someone gave him my cell number, they mentioned his daughter. I want to be the one who shares that. When the time is right. Which is
not
now.

“I called a guy.”

“You called a guy?”

“Yeah.”

“Who?” What, are we in a CIA movie?
Called a guy
. I rub my forehead. “What kind of guy?”

“Someone who… finds people.”

“You found me? I wasn’t lost.”

“From me you were.”

My insides clench. “Gray…”

“I couldn’t go home and ask folks I used to know for your info. Hell, I don’t want to step foot in that county ever again. So I called my guy. He gave me your number. I didn’t pry. I don’t know what dorm you’re in or if you’re off campus. Or… whatever.”

Oh. My. God. He doesn’t know. He’s not calling about Cally. So why now? “What do you want from me?”

Silence.

“Gray!”

“What?”

“Tell me.” I know I’m pleading, that I sound as crazy as I feel. “Please.”

He takes a long breath. “I should be dead. Every guy in my unit—” Silence. “They died. In front of me. I was shot. Rescued. Transported to the States. Weeks in rehab at Walter Reed. My time’s up and—” He clears his throat. “I can’t go back. They’re gone. And I’m done. Discharged. I’m… just… needing to make things right with you.”

I’ve got nothing to offer. What do I say to that? Tears stream onto my pillow, and I’m not sure why. The explosion of emotion is too intense, and I can’t single out one feeling.

“Ems, look, when we were kids, you saved me from home.”

“Saved you?”

“Yeah. I’d think about you, and I was golden, no matter what was happening to me. But now it’s gone. I can’t close my eyes and see your face, can’t remember your taste. You’re the only thing that saved me, until I was dying and couldn’t—couldn’t find you. In me.”

My lungs ache. I can’t speak. My body is dying for him to hold me. I want my tears wiped. I want his mouth on mine. I’ve never stopped loving him.

“I’ve hardened. I’m… broken. Haunted. But I never stopped needing you.”

Shivers roll through me. “Oh.”

“And I’m back with one mission. You.”

CHAPTER NINE

Emma

Hardened and haunted? Even with that admission, I’m melting for Grayson.

“Emma, are you there?”

I nod, still burrowed in my covers. “Yeah. I’m here.”

“Nothing to say to that?”

“Too much to say.” I don’t know where to start. “I’m not in the dorms.”

The tension on the phone crackles between us. I laugh quietly as if I’m nervous, not as if I’m about to lay something heavy on him.

“Okay. No dorms. So how’s Trydan?” He clears his throat. “Are you dating anyone?”

“Ha.” I’m going to blame the vodka for not keeping that scoff silent.

“No dorms and no boyfriend.” Even through the richness in his voice, I hear the curl of a smile. “Not going to complain.”

“I didn’t go to Trydan.” My stomach twists into a pretzel, and the birthday cocktails may come back up.

“Wait, what?” he growls. “Why?”

This isn’t a phone kind of conversation. Why did I bring it up? “Just couldn’t.”

“You didn’t go to college because of
me
?”

I strangle my pillow and press my eyes closed. “No. I mean, yes. Kinda. No. Not really.”

“Ems… I…”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Then what is it?”

He’d make a good daddy. Goose bumps roll through me. I’ve thought that a thousand times. Cally’s my world, the epicenter of my existence. I want to shout that I didn’t go to Trydan and I don’t care. I push through life, making choices I’d never have made without her, doing things most people wouldn’t approve of because I’m going to survive and be better off in the end. My daughter—our daughter—is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But I bite my lip and simplify those thoughts. “It was just… life.”

“Fuck me, Emma, you’re
here
?”

My stomach drops, and I freeze under the safety of my comforter. “
Here
? Where are you?”

“You’re in Summerland?” he asks, deeper, darker, more demanding than I’ve ever heard come from a man.

Panic pulses in my veins. “Grayson, where are
you
?”

“Five minutes from the Summerland County line.”

“No, you’re not!” I can’t breathe. He’s close. Too close. I’m dying to see him, scared to death at the same time. I don’t know how to handle this. Shit, shoot, shit. “Ah—um, I’m around.”

“Hang on. Give me a minute, okay? Do not hang up.”

“Okay.” I grab my knees and hide farther under the covers.

My proximity to him is a problem. If I had a hard time not calling him, I’m going to have a sudden urge to find him. When I’m ready. Which I’m not. My head is seriously going to explode. I need to calm down. While I’m waiting for him to come back on the line, I drop Cherry a text.

Emma:
Miss you guys. Take care of my girl
.

I stare at the screen, but she doesn’t message me back.

“Emma, you there?”

“Hey.”

“Listen to me, Ems. You never left my mind. Not the day I left or the day I came back. I’ve thought of you a million times in a million ways.”

“Same,” I admit. He overwhelms my thoughts when I dance. I move for him, sway for him. Every Wednesday, when there might be hundreds of eyes on me, I’m alone with Grayson. “But I’m already vulnerable enough to you. I’m not sure admitting anything puts me in the advantage.”

“No games, baby. I’m past that. We’re talking. Just you and me. You want vulnerable? I’ve killed. Maimed. Mauled. I’ve destroyed and been ruined. I’m lifeless unless it’s about you. Now who the fuck is vulnerable?”

My chest feels tight. The silence around me is overwhelming. I have no creature comforts to rely on. No TV or music for background noise. Nothing. All I have is Grayson’s deep voice in my ear, talking as if it hasn’t been years, and I like it. A lot.

“I don’t know,” I whisper.

“This is what I know: your sweet face, your sweet laugh, God, that smile. The way you used to stare at me like I’m the reason you were put on earth. You’re the only thing that can bring me to life.” Noise filters through the phone, sounds like he’s shaking his head. “Nothing held back anymore. You want the truth, and that’s all I have to offer.”

My stomach somersaults. He’s direct and confident.

“I’ve survived off your memory, Ems.”

Swirling in memories, I swallow away my hesitations. “Same. But probably not in the way you think.”

“The night before I was set to go… I meant to explain I’d enlisted. But when we got on the beach… ”

I said I loved him. “Yeah.”

“Best night of my fuckin’ life.”

Tears leak into my pillow. “Mine too.”

We sit in silence. Well, I’m silent. He’s moving around or something. But it’s not awkward. I think about that night together and its implications. Who knows where his head is; I can’t even figure out my own thoughts.

“Best night ever,” he mumbles again, sounding reminiscent. “I’m sure you’ve changed as much as I have. But I lean on that night when nothing else works.”

My heart flutters. I need to get off the phone. I’m falling for this sexy-voiced man and romanticizing him, reliving old memories. It makes my anger hard to hang on to. “Maybe we could talk later, Gray. I’m”—
in love—
“exhausted.”

“Don’t hang up, Emma. Please. Stay on the line with me.”

I don’t want to as much as I do want to. My chest squeezes, and I hug myself tighter in my covers cocoon. “Why?”

“Said I was fixing us.” His breathy growl makes me dizzy. “It’s always been you.”

I swoon. A shiver runs through me. It’s always been him too. Maybe one day I’ll understand why. I probably need intense therapy. I can’t admit out loud what it means to hear him say that, but I can’t sit around and torture myself. “Good night, Grayson.”

“Don’t hang up on me, Ems.”

Knock, knock, knock.
It echoes through the phone
and
my house. I jump, my eyes going wide as I stare toward the wall as though I have x-ray vision. There’s no way…

“Not”—one more knock hits. It’s as hard and strong as the man on the phone—“unless you plan on opening your front door.”

CHAPTER TEN

Grayson

My muscles bunch and flex, and I have enough energy running through me to deadlift a car or tear the front door off her house. I rock to the balls of my feet on Emma’s porch. The small Craftsman house is worn but safe. She’s in a semi-decent part of town, and her place has a tiny lawn and windows that could use a security latch.

All I can focus on is the two inches of wood separating Emma and me. I’ve never been more certain in my whole life that I’m somewhere I’m unwanted. “Open up, Ems.”

Thump
. I laugh, pretty sure she just bumped her head against the door.

“Tell me this is a joke,” she moans.

“No joke, baby. I want see you.”

“Wait!” Another thump on the door, and I’m almost certain she’s replaced her forehead with her fist. “How do you even know where I live! I
just
moved. Like, days ago. You said you thought I was at college!”

I like that she’s smart, that she’s thinking and questioning, because I don’t want a single doubt after tonight’s over. “Pays to know someone. You said you were close, so I pulled in a favor.”

“What? Do you have PIs on speed dial?”

Chuckling, I nod at the closed door. “Something like that.”

“Spies R Us?”

Now I’m definitely smiling. The girl’s still cute. “Titan Group.”

“Sounds like they shouldn’t know where I live.”

“But they do, so let me in.”

She sighs. It’s more relenting than frustrated, and I know I’ve won. I just need to drive a last point home.

My hand squeezes the phone. I’ll hang up soon as she opens. “Emma, you said you were miles away, not hours. I couldn’t stay away. I asked for help, and my buddy Parker pulled a solid.”

“Ha. Thank Parker for me.”

Cute plus a little bite. Emma’s coming back to me. I’ve got her voice, and I can picture her smile. This is ten times better than any medicine or therapy they gave me for being shot during war.

“I can’t believe you’re outside.”

“Good intel is good intel. Now open the door.” Nothing about this moment is planned. My heart’s in my throat. Little on earth scares me, but not knowing how she’ll react to this offensive maneuver makes me anxious. “I’m not standing out here all night.”

“Of course you aren’t. My neighbors will call the cops if you stand out there.”

I laugh, and my side hurts. But it’s a good kind of hurt. The wound is healing; I’m nowhere near one hundred percent, but I can feel my blood rushing, my body anticipating. It’s the best I’ve felt in years. “Come on, baby.”