One To Watch (52 page)

“Hey, stranger.” Lauren grinned at Bea—she was waiting beside the stage door, where Bea would be making her big entrance after the commercial break.

“Hi!” Bea was surprised to see her. “I thought you’d be in the booth with the director?”

“I’m going back in a second,” Lauren explained, “but I wanted to see you before you head out there. How’ve you been? Single life agree with you?”

“Right, something new and different.” Bea laughed. “But I have to say, it’s exhilarating to wake up every morning and know there’s not a single man whose emotional turmoil is my responsibility.”

“See?” Lauren grinned. “You’re coming around to my way of thinking.”

“Really?” Bea was skeptical. “After everything we went through this season, you still have absolutely no interest in finding love?”

“Definitely not,” Lauren scoffed. “I mean, you saw the choices I make—Luc, of all people. No one should let me anywhere near a relationship, even if I did want one, you know?”

Bea recalled the first time she’d met Lauren, how envious she’d been of her disaffected attitude toward romance, wishing she could be equally blasé so she wouldn’t have to experience the excruciating pain of heartbreak. But now, she found she felt the opposite. Maybe Lauren really didn’t want a relationship, or maybe she was putting up a front to protect her own heart (Bea strongly suspected the latter). Either way, Bea had no desire to go backward. She treasured the openness, vulnerability, and wild possibility her life held now, and she wouldn’t trade that for anything, no matter how much it had cost to get here.

“Hey,” Lauren interrupted her thoughts, “did I do the right thing, asking you to do this? Did you do the right thing, saying yes?”

“Definitely.” Bea nodded. “At the very least, you did exactly what I hoped you’d do.”

“What’s that?”

Lauren looked puzzled, and Bea grinned warmly at her producer. “You changed my life.”

“Bea?” the stage manager called. “You’re on in thirty!”

He started counting down, and Lauren gave Bea’s hand a quick squeeze before she sprinted off toward the booth. As the cameras went live, Bea walked through the stage door and into a blazing spotlight—she waved and smiled, but she couldn’t see a damn thing. The audience roar was absolutely deafening; Bea had never experienced anything like it in her life. They were cheering and stomping and screaming her name, and Johnny came to guide her to the stage in the middle of the studio, where the infamous
Main Squeeze
couch awaited her.

“Wow,” Johnny said, once the screaming of the crowd had finally abated, “I don’t know that any Main Squeeze has ever gotten a reception like that one!”

That started the crowd cheering again.

“Thank you!” Bea exclaimed. “Honestly, it means so much to me that you’re here, and to have your support.”

“Let’s talk about that, Bea.” Johnny steered the conversation to the list of topics the producers had prepped for her. “What has all the public controversy around your season been like for you?”

“Obviously, some people didn’t think I looked the part of a romantic leading lady”—boos from the crowd—“but I knew that would be the case going into this. It’s one of the reasons I said yes to being on this show.”

“You said yes
because
you knew some people would object?”

“I wanted to prove that I had every right to be here,” Bea answered. “That I could star in a show about love just like any other woman.”

“How do you think that worked out, given that you were the first female Main Squeeze in history to turn down two proposals?”

Bea laughed. “I guess I showed that I deserve love
and
to be picky about it.”

The audience laughed, and applauded too.

“You talked about how the audience saw you—but what about how you see yourself? Did the show change that?”

“Yes,” Bea said, “definitely. The show took so many unexpected turns for me, right from the moment the first man stepped onstage the very first night. Seeing all these men who
did
conform to conventional ideals of what makes someone attractive—I was humiliated. Obviously, some of those men gave me reason to believe that they found me repulsive. And I’m ashamed to say this, but I think it’s important to be honest: There were moments when I believed them. I felt myself being dragged under by every bad thing that’s ever been said about me, and worse, every bad thing I’ve ever thought about myself.”

“In a way, you were your own worst enemy.”

“I don’t know that I was worse than Jefferson, but yeah, it wasn’t great.”

The audience laughed gently at this.

“And the hardest part was, because I was believing these terrible things about myself, I
wasn’t
believing the men who genuinely wanted to get to know me. I wasn’t even giving them a chance.”

“You were in a pretty bad funk, and you had to pull yourself out of it.”

“That’s right.”

“And how did you do that?”

“How does anyone do anything? With help! My best friend, Marin, came to set pretty early on, that was a real game changer for me. Then we went to Ohio, and I got to be with my family, which was great.”

“That was also the week you started getting closer with Wyatt,” Johnny pointed out.

“Yes, absolutely,” Bea agreed. “Wyatt and Sam in particular were so good to me in helping me believe that I deserved more than to shut myself away from the possibility of finding love.”

“And Asher?” Johnny urged.

“Things were more complex with Asher—and with Luc. I had beautiful moments with both of them, and tough ones too.”

“Luc has been pegged as the villain of your season—maybe one of the worst villains in the history of
Main Squeeze
. But it sounds like you don’t see him that way?”

“I don’t,” Bea said. “I can’t. It’s not that simple for me. Luc hurt me badly, but he also made me feel beautiful when none of the other men could. He was the first man in my life to show me how that felt.”

“Well, you’re about to have a chance to tell him exactly what you think about him—let’s welcome Luc to the show!”

A spotlight illuminated Luc as he made his way toward the stage in tight jeans and a strategically undone black button-down, his hair long enough now to be pulled back in a loose little ponytail. The audience reaction was mixed—they cheered for him like they knew they shouldn’t, but they just couldn’t help themselves. Bea understood exactly how they felt.

“Bea.” He kissed her cheek, and he smelled the same—salt and smoke. “It is good to see you.”

“You as well,” she said politely.

“The last time we saw you two together was at that unforgettable kiss-off ceremony in Amboise. Have you communicated since then?” Johnny asked.

They both shook their heads—they hadn’t.

“The public didn’t find out until after the episode had aired that Luc was having an affair with a producer of this show. But Bea, did you know? Is that the reason Luc went home that day?”

“I did know,” Bea answered.

“Of course she knew,” Luc added. “She saw us herself.”

This prompted a smattering of gasps from the audience, and Bea shook her head—even now, Luc always had to cause drama.

“Well.” Johnny’s eyes widened. “That’s news! Bea, is this true?”

“Yes,” Bea admitted. “That morning, I walked in on them.”

“How did you feel when that happened?”

“You know, it was tough, to have that happen within hours of spending the night with Luc, something which was very meaningful to me—and still is.”

“Because he was the first person you’d been with since Ray?”

Bea sighed. If America was going to know the truth about her sex life, they might as well know all of it. “He’s still the only person I’ve been with since Ray.”

Concerned murmurs from the audience—poor Bea!

“Do you regret your decision to spend the night with him?”

“No, not at all,” Bea said forcefully. “Luc and I have incredible chemistry, and we acted on it. I always doubted whether we could make a relationship work outside the confines of the show, and I know now I was right—and in that way, Luc helped me figure out that even though being with him was so exciting, I don’t have to settle for a relationship that isn’t fully what I want. Do I wish we’d been able to part on better terms? Of course. But I don’t hold a grudge. On the whole, Luc was really good to me, really genuine, and a really important part of my journey on this show.”

“Luc, are you surprised to hear this?”

“Yes, I am very surprised.” He turned to Bea. “I thought you were furious with me.”

“I was furious with you, then. I mean, could you not have waited twenty-four hours after sleeping with me to sleep with someone else?”

Luc grinned sheepishly, eliciting an “Oh, you are
bad
!” from a woman in the audience.

“Yes, Luc is very bad,” Johnny teased, “and that’s why we think he’ll be very
good
in the Main Squeeze Mansion. What do you say, Luc? Will you join us for another round this summer?”

“Ah yes, and why not?” Luc grinned, clearly thrilled to be featured on a
Main Squeeze
spin-off. Johnny took them to commercial break, and as Bea rose to give Luc a polite hug goodbye, he murmured in her ear.

“I am leaving my phone number with Alison for you. Call me anytime you like, yes?”

Bea smiled. “Don’t hold your breath.”

He laughed as he pulled away, his breath tickling her ear.

“We were good together, no? Goodbye, my Bea.”

He kissed her cheek and made his way offstage, leaving room for the next guest. As he walked toward her, Bea prepared herself for a far less pleasant interaction.

“Hey,” Ray said curtly as he sat down beside Bea. He was stunningly handsome as ever, but he looked a little worn, a little gaunt. He refused to make eye contact, and before they could say anything more to each other, a producer was counting them in, and they were back on live TV.

“Welcome back,” Johnny said smoothly. “Our next guest is a man who Bea knows well, but who the rest of us just met recently. Ray, welcome to the studio.”

“Thanks,” Ray said flatly. Bea wondered what sort of contract he’d signed—she couldn’t imagine why he’d agreed to do this.

“First off, Bea, same question I asked Luc—have you two been in touch since the show finished filming?”

“No,” Bea said at the same moment Ray said, “Yes.”

“Well, this is interesting. Ray, you’ve contacted Bea?”

“Yes, I’ve texted and emailed her.”

“Bea, have you seen those messages?”

“No, um. After the show finished filming, I reached out to Sarah, Ray’s ex-fiancée, to apologize for my behavior, and for contributing to a situation that must have been really painful for her on a lot of levels. I never heard back from her—not that I expected to, she certainly doesn’t owe me anything—but sending her that note really solidified for me that it would be best for everyone if Ray and I sever ties for good. So I blocked his phone number and set up a filter to send any emails from him straight to spam.”

“You did?” Ray looked genuinely hurt.

“Ray, I can’t keep doing this with you. It’s been too many years. I need to move on.”

“But
you’re
the one who rejected
me,
” he said, almost whining. Bea had to remind herself not to feel sorry for him.

“You’re not good for me, Ray.” She forced the bitter words out of her mouth. “You say you didn’t really know how you felt about me when we lived in L.A., but you knew well enough to get drunk and kiss me. And you knew well enough to sleep with me when you were engaged to someone else.”

“Then why did you kiss me in Paris? Why did you make me think we could be together?”

“I was reeling. I was so hurt by Luc and Asher, and there you were, showing up to declare your love for me like I’d always dreamed you would. I wanted to believe that maybe after everything, we could be each other’s happy ending. Except you were still the same person who spent all those years hurting me. The same person who wasn’t brave enough to date me when you could have, when you wanted to, because you couldn’t picture getting serious with someone who looked like me.”

“But I got over that!” Ray protested. “I went on television to tell the whole world I love you—doesn’t that count for something?”

“My body isn’t something you ‘get over,’” Bea said coolly. “I have no intention of devoting the rest of my life to a man who’s ashamed of me.”

“I know I’ve given you reason not to trust me,” Ray pleaded. “But Bea, I promise, I won’t hurt you again.”

“I know you won’t.” Bea’s tone was sad but resolute. “Because I’m not going to let you. All these years, you put your needs above mine—which is exactly what you did when you showed up in Paris, by the way—and I couldn’t see it, because I idealized you as the perfect man. But I see who you are now, Ray. And I know that I deserve better.”

The audience applauded heartily, and Johnny took them to commercial. A sound guy came to collect Ray’s mic, but Ray told him to hold on just one second before turning back to Bea.

“So that’s it?” he demanded. “We’re just never going to speak again?”

“Yeah, Ray. I think that’s it.” Bea fought to maintain composure as Ray’s face crinkled and cracked.