One Step Closer to You (25 page)

‘And then what happened?’ asks Stephanie, two days after Aunt Viv told me she was my mother. ‘After Matthew slammed the door and left.’

‘I asked her for an explanation.’

‘I can see you’re upset. Are you ready to go on?’

I nod. ‘Aunt Viv explained that the day she’d had the crash I was on the backseat, next to my baby brother, Sam. Sam was two; I was five months old. My brother was killed outright. Aunt Viv’s brother was taken to hospital but he died the following day. The car had rolled over. It was miraculous that both Aunt Viv and I survived with barely any scratches. She was driving Sam to nursery, hammered, but she always hid it well, us addicts do. The rest you can imagine. My mother …’ I press my head into my hands. ‘My aunt never forgave Aunt Viv, she told her she wasn’t fit to be a mother so she adopted me. Aunt Viv went to prison and here I am, telling the tale.’

‘Polly, your anger is understandable.’

‘I’ve been living a lie all my life. My biological dad was an addict too, some rich playboy. Money had done him no favours. He left Aunt Viv the moment she was pregnant. What chance did I have? Two parents, both as bad as each other. At least it makes sense,’ I concede, as if it’s finally sinking in.

‘What do you mean by that?’

Trying to compose myself I say, ‘All my life I felt like I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t part of the family.
It’s hard not to love Hugo more
. Of course she said that. He was her son. Mum took me on to punish Aunt Viv; she didn’t really want me.’

‘Has your mother told you that?’

I shake my head. ‘My aunt, you mean?’

‘Your aunt, who raised you.’

‘I haven’t spoken to her. I can’t. Not yet. I am the product of Aunt Viv. Mum, well my
aunt
 … what a messed up family we are,’ I say with a weak smile.

‘I’m following,’ Stephanie reassures me.

‘I think she resented me. Each time she looked at me she was reminded of losing the brother she loved and all the damage Aunt Viv had done to our family.’

*

‘Would you like to talk more about Matthew?’ Stephanie suggests, after she’s given me time to cry and to try to make some sense of the traumatic events of the past forty-eight hours.

‘Done.’

‘Done?’

‘Over. What a fool I was to trust him again. So naïve. What an idiot.’

‘You wanted Louis to have a father.’

‘He has a father, in Hugo.’ Tears come to my eyes. ‘Hugo isn’t my brother. I think that’s what’s thrown me the most, he’s my cousin, but I don’t care about titles or labels.’ I think about Ben, what he’d said about his stepfather. ‘
Forget the title, it’s the man that’s important.’
‘He
is
my brother and he’s the closest thing Louis has to a dad.’

Stephanie nods. ‘How is Louis?’

‘Upset. He doesn’t understand. “Where’s Daddy gone?” “Why isn’t he coming to see me again?” “I won’t!” is his favourite phrase right now. Digging his heels in whenever I ask him to do anything. Hugo and I told him too much, maybe, I don’t know if it was right, but I said Matthew hurt me. Hugo talked to him too, explained that sometimes his dad wasn’t kind and we
all
had to stop seeing him, that this wasn’t a punishment, that it was best for all of us.’ I pause. ‘Unbelievable how so much can change in a couple of days. The last time I saw you, the night Matthew was coming over, I was confused. In my head I wanted it to be happy families. I wanted so much to believe he’d made a fresh start, for Louis, maybe for me, I don’t know. I knew it was wrong when he offered me a drink. I nearly did, later, after everyone had gone. I went into the kitchen and the
first thing I saw was that bottle of wine on the table. It was half-full. For the rest of the night I couldn’t sleep, just rocked in my chair, working out what I was going to say to Louis, going over everything, how my whole life had become this sham overnight. I kept on thinking about that bottle of wine, sitting there. I couldn’t concentrate. I went into the kitchen, picked it up, I needed something to take away the pain. I felt betrayed. The
one
person I have trusted more than anyone in my life, the person I felt safe with, and she’d lied to me for years. All those times I’d talked to Aunt Viv about my mother and confided about not fitting in, not feeling a part of the family, and she still couldn’t tell me the truth. All this AA talk about honesty and amends and doing the right thing …’

Stephanie is quiet, letting me carry on.

‘I carried the bottle back to my bedroom. I was
this
close. I was exhausted, it was almost as if I were sleepwalking, couldn’t think straight … I was about to …’ I stop, as if recalling that moment.

‘What stopped you?’

‘I heard a voice. It was your voice at first, but then another voice took over. My own.’

‘What was your voice saying?’

‘Don’t throw your life away again. Throw away that wine. So I did. Went into the bathroom and watched it disappear down the plughole.’

‘Polly, I’m proud of you. That showed guts.’

‘I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.’

‘Yes, yes you would. You chose not to drink, not me.’

‘I wouldn’t have been able to do it a year ago. I know now, whatever life throws at me, I have an inner strength, I have belief in myself, something I’ve never had before. There was no way I was going to have a drink, not after all the hard work to get sober. Besides, I have unfinished business.’

‘Unfinished business?’

‘One thing came through loud and clear that night as I chucked the wine away.’

She waits.

‘I love Ben.’

Stephanie is trying hard not to smile.

‘I think I’ve always felt this way about him, but I was too scared to admit it. Like you said, easier to go back to your old ways. But I love him. I love him, I
love
him.’

‘Well, I know I shouldn’t really give advice.’ She pauses. ‘But maybe you should tell him that.’

Shortly after my counselling session, I find myself running across Primrose Hill, rehearsing what I’m going to say to Ben at the school gates. I can’t just blurt out ‘I LOVE YOU!’ in front of everyone. Maybe I should suggest he comes over with Emily tonight, and when they’re playing I can explain. It’s hard to talk about Matt with Louis around. My pace slows down. What if it’s too late? What if I had my chance and Ben no longer feels the same way? After all, I let him down; I allowed Matt to get in the way of us. What if he believes I could hurt him again? He has every right to say he’s not interested anymore. My pace quickens again. He won’t feel that way. I know how much we mean to one another. I will make this work. He loves me and I love him; that’s all that counts.

Outside the school gates I see the usual mob of mums and Jim. Out of breath, I swig down some water, try to compose myself. Jim looks at me curiously. ‘What’s going on?’

Adrenalin pumping, briefly I tell Jim about Matt, simply
saying it didn’t work out and that I’ll tell him in more detail soon, in private.

‘I’m sorry.’ But he looks relieved.

I shake my head. ‘Don’t be. In a way it helped. I’ve been looking over my shoulder too long.’ I keep on scanning the crowd.

‘He’s coming,’ Jim says.

I turn round and see Ben and Nellie walking towards us.

I face Jim again, my pulse still racing. ‘I’ve been so stupid.’

‘No you haven’t. As you said, it was complicated,’ Jim says kindly. ‘But I’ve wanted to bang your heads together for ages.’

Ben is getting closer and closer. He’s wearing his chunky navy jumper with jeans. Tentatively I wave at him, my stomach a tangle of nerves. ‘Good luck.’ Discreetly Jim slips away.

When Ben is standing next to me the first thing I do is bend down to stroke Nellie. ‘How are you?’ I ask, finally looking him in the eye.

‘Good. You?’

‘Great. Yes, very good. How are you?’

‘You’ve just asked me that.’

‘I’m sorry.’ I pull him away from the crowd. ‘Ben, we need to talk.’

‘Right.’

‘It’s about Matthew.’ There’s so much to tell him, I’m unsure where to start.

He stands there, waiting. ‘He hasn’t changed, Ben. He’s been lying to me all this time. I don’t want anything more to do with him.’ Children begin to emerge in the playground, walking towards the gates.

‘I’m sorry,’ Ben says with sincerity. ‘Louis must be upset.’

‘He is, he’s, well he doesn’t understand, but … Are you around tonight?’

‘No,’ he says, distance returning to his voice.

‘Tomorrow? Or the weekend? Maybe we could …’

‘I’m not sure, Polly.’ He waves at Emily.

‘Ben, I’m so sorry, about everything.’ I want to tell him about Aunt Viv and Hugo, about my mother being my aunt, my dad not being my father at all, but most of all … ‘I love you.’

‘You love me?’

‘So much.’ I reach out to touch his hand, but he edges away. ‘I’ve been so stupid, not seeing that the one person in front of me …’

‘Polly, stop!’ he says, raising his voice and causing a few mothers to turn to us and stare. ‘It doesn’t work out with Matthew, so you come running back to me?’

‘I promise you it’s not like that.’

‘I’m not going to be the second prize because the other option didn’t work out.’

‘Ben, please, you mean
everything
to me.’

‘Hi, Daddy,’ says Emily, bending down to stroke Nellie,
who’s jumping up and down against her legs, her tail wagging. Ben and I continue to look at one another.

‘Polly, I’m sorry about Matthew, but …’

‘Can’t we talk tonight? I can come over.’

‘Daddy has a date,’ says Emily, adding that Louis has been naughty today. ‘He had to write his name in the red book.’

Ben takes Emily’s satchel in exchange for Nellie’s lead.

‘I’ll see you around,’ he says, briefly touching my shoulder before walking away.

‘According to my son, allegedly I’m an alcoholic.’

Neve nudges me. We’ve heard that one many times before.

‘
Daddy has a date
.’ Who with? He can’t just switch off his feelings for me. Feelings don’t go away overnight.

‘I feel so angry with my mother,’ says another voice. ‘I understand why some people murder, kill one another, I really do. Don’t worry, you’re all safe in here.’

Neve laughs, nudging me again.

‘
I’m not going to be second prize because the other option didn’t work out
.’

‘I was drunk taking out someone’s bowel,’ says someone else, telling us he’s a surgeon.

‘I hope he never operates on me,’ murmurs Harry, sitting on my other side.

‘
Daddy has a date
.’ Why hasn’t Ben returned my calls?

‘Why do we care so much what other people think?’ says another. ‘For years I wouldn’t admit I was an addict, wouldn’t dare walk inside here in case the neighbours saw
me. I wore a wig and shades during my first meeting and immediately spied my Pilates teacher. Turns out AA is like going to a drinks party, but without the drink.’

‘Polly? Are you OK?’ Neve whispers.

I wake up, telling myself to put Ben out of my mind, so what if he has a date … ? I’m going to try to talk to him again; I won’t give up … I stop when I hear crying coming from the end of our row. I see a young woman with tousled blonde hair, wearing an old baggy jumper, black smudged around her eyes. I haven’t seen her before. She looks as if she’s in her late twenties. When I glance at her again, she’s wiping her nose on her sleeve. ‘Harry,’ I whisper, gesturing to his handkerchief tucked into his pocket.

Harry passes the handkerchief to me, I pass it to Neve, Denise stops knitting to pass it to the person sitting next to her, who finally gives it to the woman. She looks up to see where it came from. When I smile at her, she looks down at the floor again.

*

After the meeting Harry, Neve and I help clear up the tea and biscuits.

‘You seem quiet today,’ Harry says to me, tottering towards the sink with a couple of dirty mugs. ‘Is this about your Aunt Viv, I mean, your mother?’

I nod. ‘I have a few things on my mind.’

‘It’s Ben, isn’t it?’ guesses Neve, leading me away from the sink before asking what has happened between us. She
wants detail. ‘Your life is like a soap opera. You’re giving me a run for my money now,’ she says.

Neve listens as I tell her everything. ‘His date won’t come to anything,’ she predicts, as if the date is nothing more than a pesky insect getting in the way. ‘Listen, he’s hurt. I can understand him thinking he’s second best. It does look as if you went for one apple and discovered it was rotten, so picked another.’

‘I didn’t.’

‘Yeah, but that’s what he thinks. Try and talk to him again,’ Neve advises. ‘Explain. Make him listen.’

‘No, no!’ Harry pipes up, clearly having listened to every word too. ‘Not the way to go!’ He approaches us, waving his tea towel.

We stare at him.

‘Actions speak louder than words, my dear. When I had to win Betsy back it was no good saying sorry a million times, I had to show her I meant business.’

‘So what did you do?’ Neve asks impatiently.

‘I’m coming to that,’ Harry snaps. ‘What I did was think to myself, “what does Betsy love doing more than anything else in the world?” The answer?’ He leans towards us. ‘Dancing.’

‘Dancing,’ Neve and I repeat.

‘When we first met all she talked about were her dancing pins. She has beautiful legs too,’ he says, veering off the point. ‘Anyway, I’ve got two left feet me, but in secret I took myself off to lessons, while she thought I was down the
boozer.’ He raises an imaginary bottle to his mouth, pretends to drink, ‘But I was dancing the night away in the local community centre, learning the waltz …’ Harry grabs me by the hands and we dance around the table and chairs, ‘and the foxtrot! So what you need to do, young Polly, is do something special just for him.’

I stop. ‘Like what?’

‘Use your imagination. Do something he knows will have required strength or effort. No good just baking him a cake, you do that all the time.’

I’m beginning to think Harry might be right. ‘So Betsy loved your dancing?’

‘Oh yes. For her birthday I asked her to put her best dress on, she thought we were going to some fancy fish restaurant.’ He cackles as he claps his hands. ‘I took her to the London Ballroom Dance Club! We danced all night. It paid off all right, in more ways than one.’ He winks at us.

‘Thanks, Harry, but we don’t need all the details,’ says Neve, while I’m still lost in thought, trying to work out what I can do for Ben. It’s got to be something to make him realise I really do love him.