One Split Second (36 page)

Monday 22nd December
 

I was soo looking forward to seeing Casey and Mitch, but I was really disappointed that I was feeling ill, and knowing it was going to be hard to stay upbeat.

Well, they arrived around about 12.30, after getting ready and having some breakfast, and by this time, lunch was virtually over in the hospital. They arrived, and it was not long, before Casey wanted to go to the machine, and then Mitch wanted to go as well, so we had to let them go together, and meanwhile, Barry was telling me that he was nearly at the end of his tether already because they had been arguing since they woke up. I actually felt quite sorry for him, and we had to agree that there was a huge amount of pressure on us all, and what they all saw on the surface from me, was not what was going on inside. I felt sick, sore, uncomfortable, knotted, wound up and not at all myself, and I let Barry know that I was on a ‘short fuse’ at the moment as well. But, no matter what, I wasn’t going to spoil the ‘fun’ for the children by letting on I was sick!!

Then, when the children came back, we all started sorting out the presents and seeing what was from who, and the children were counting who had the most—just the usual things that kids do at Christmas, even though it was only the 23 Dec, they still made it special, and Barry didn’t make me feel bad about it once. Later on in the afternoon Barry and Mitch went out to get a Macdonalds, which meant that I had some lovely time on my own with Casey, and we had a peek at some of the presents. She was telling me all about boyfriends, her girlfriends, how often she was allowed out, and what it was like living with Shonah and baby Jamie, and we talked about my ‘disability’ and how she would cope, and she was superb, she promised me she would always look after me—what a wonderful child, and generally we had a good ‘ole girlie time!

When they got back, I was starting to feel very sore and tired, and it wasn’t long before my ‘tetchy’ side reared it’s ugly head. I didn’t want to open presents; I didn’t want to eat; I didn’t want to drink; nothing was good enough, and then I was constantly apologising for being the way I was, then I was complaining to the nurses that I needed some stronger painkillers because I was so uncomfortable, and before she could do that, she had to get a doctor to prescribe them… so after 2 hours, which was really only about half an hour, the doc arrived and asked Barry to take the children outside whilst he pulled the curtain over in order to examine me. I was grouchy to the doc (whats new?), and told him about my horrendous week, and he examined my mouth and could see where the operation to the tooth had been performed and agreed that I should get something for that, and incidentally I needed something for my spasms, which were going ten to the dozen because I was stressed, and in the end he decided to prescribe some diazapam to relax the spasms, and extra Ibuprofen for my sore mouth. I was a flippin wreck!

When they all came back in, we decided to open some of the presents, and we sorted out which ones they were taking back to open Christmas day, and ones to open that day. After their Macdonalds, the children were allowed to open their presents from me. Casey loved her top shop and boots vouchers (which she had asked for specifically), and Mitch loved his FIFA 2003 PS2 game and SELBXS, and they both got HELMETS for their bikes. I had also given them both £50 to spend on whatever they wanted. I gave the presents for Shonah and the baby to Barry, and he opened his presents from me, and in his usual fashion, showed no excitement, but thanked me for his Nelly Furtado CD and silk scarf!! Yee bloody ha! Personally, I think they were all genuinely happy with their presents. They wanted me to open mine, so I put on a brave face and proceeded to open them. It was wonderful, to see their faces, hoping in anticipation that I was going to like them. I swear if it had only been a pair of knickers, I would have been delighted. As it was, they had got me a lovely set of 2 nighties, some bedsocks, a ‘special’ candle from Mitch, that I was supposed to light when I was feeling down, and it would cheer me up and make me think of them, and hope!, and a silver chain with a cross from Casey, which I put on straight away. There were other little things, e.g. a wooly hat (I love my hats and candles), make-up and a box of maltesers plus a selection box, and a little teddy from Shonah and the babe. The presents were beautiful. I absolutely adored mine, and they loved theirs. It ended up being a wonderful afternoon, and before they headed back to the hotel, they wanted to order something special for our ‘Christmas’ supper (really teatime), for us all to have together. So we got a take-away menu from the nurses, and ordered in pizza, chips, coleslaw and a baked potato for Barry. The children were starting to become a bit restless, and I could see that Barry was starting to struggle to stay patient, so the food arrived just in time, before there were any arguments.

We all sat together, and did a toast with cups of coke (mine diet) to Christmas, as this was our ‘Christmas pizza dinner’, and you know what, it was better than any turkey!! I could hardly eat anything, and Barry isn’t a great take-away fan, but the kids enjoyed it and that was all that mattered to me. When we were finished, Barry cleared everything up, and told the kids to get all their presents together, and then said that they would have to get back, before the children started ‘knocking lumps’ out of each other, as they were starting to get restless and tired. I understood, plus I felt awful anyway, and was sore, so it was a good time for me as well. We said our tearful goodbyes and thank yous, and I hugged them so hard I thought they might have trouble breathing!!

Anyway, I knew I was seeing them on Tuesday, before they went, so I thanked Barry for making our ‘alternative christmas’ such fun, and that under the circumstances, in a million years I wouldn’t have believed that I could have enjoyed the day, especially with the way I was feeling, and yet it was ‘up there’ with the best. I love the kids so much, and Barry, well of course I do (but not ‘like that’)?! It was a bit rowdy at times, but on reflection, it had been a successful day, OUR Christmas day, and Barry had excelled at keeping his temper in tact, and I had managed to get over my ‘grouchiness’, for the sake of the children. It wasn’t easy, but I had done it. I must say, I was shattered, and after they left, even though I was feeling soo bad I fell into a very ‘contented’ sleep.

Thank you God, for a lovely ‘mock’ Christmas day, and look after my precious children always, and everyone I love, especially Barry and mum, who have gone out of their way to make my christmas special.

I did open my christmas present from my mum, and it was a beautiful chain with diamonds on it, and I was told on good authority, i.e. by the nurses that they were called ‘hot’ diamonds. Mum had told me that she got it in America, and I must say, it was in beautiful presentation case, with a bracelet and earrings to match. How wonderful and thoughtful was that? I love my mum so much. From some other members of the family I received lots of varied `smelly stuff`, which I do love, and some chocolates (which I shouldn’t but I probably will, finish within about 2 days). Oh God, there was a chocolate orange (which my taste buds can’t get enough of) and a huge box of `heroes` . . . I was in ‘chocolate heaven’, and this is coming from someone who didn’t even have a sweet tooth before the accident! Looks like my waistline is gonna become non existence soon, and not because it is gonna be so small… . Oh no, quite the opposite, my shape is going to be absolutely bulbous! Ho ho ho!

Well, my Christmas started with a drink of sherry or wine… I choose wine, I know I shouldn’t have, but for god sake, whose gonna find out, and trust me at twelve oclock in the morning, with the two other people gargling through their tracheotomies and Duncan away, there wasn’t a lot of Christmas spirit going on in this ward accept for the one I had, and it WAS only one! Actually, I could have had a bit of a laugh with ghosts of Christmases past… I was in the right place, but to no avail… just the two nurses that brought the wine… and because I was on my own they decided they would ‘spoil’ me and gave me another one… dear, dear, they obviously didn’t have any notes to say that I shouldn’t drink alcohol, so maybe I should play the lonely card, and I might even get it stretched to a third! Well, they never took the bait, they just sat with me for a while, and it was actually really nice, they knew I had had a terrible week the week before, and I still wasn’t right, and even if there was a massive party in the hospital, I wouldn’t have been well enough to enjoy it, but I suppose the wine actually had a little `kick` to it and I enjoyed it, purely for medicinal purposes of course, then I found myself telling them about my pressies, how much I missed the kids, and it was nice just to have some company and to talk about stuff in general. It was good of them to take the time, but they had to go round the rest of the ward with the goodies, and said they would be back. I waited and waited and they never came back, then I must have fallen asleep… so that’s how exciting `my` Christmas Eve had been.

When I woke up in the morning, there was nothing going on in this ward, but why would it? Neither of the only two other people in the ward can communicate or talk, so hell, Jim and Sam ain’t gonna be the life and soul!! Get it?

I couldn’t even really use my phone because the nurses where messing around with all their novelty Christmas antlers, and flashing badges and earrings, and the atmosphere wasn’t that bad… I suppose being next to the nurses station allowed to me to see more of what was going on. They offered me a bacon or sausage roll, but I wasn’t hungry, I thought I would save myself for the `Christmas lunch` oh yes! Well, about 12, the kids phoned and I said `Happy Christmas` to them and Barry and Shonah (and baby Jamie, of course) and reassured them that I was having a really good time and that there was lots going on… the truth was that my ward was ‘unnervingly’ quiet and the rest of the hospital was just ‘hopelessly’ quiet with a lot of the patients away home for Christmas, or visitors were coming in to see their loved ones… in fact, I don’t mean to sound sorry for myself, but I was on my OWN, and it was one of the most depressing Christmases I have ever had… So, I kept up the pretence and I knew that once Casey, in particular, was reassured, they could all go on and have a great time.

Another thing that Barry does well is cook, and he always cooks by himself at Christmas and makes it special with about 6 courses, e.g. melon with parma ham, homemade soup, salmon and scrambled eggs, (only very small portions), then turkey, stuffing, and all the trimmings he can think of, roast potatoes and mash, and my favourite, parsnips, finished with Chrismas pudding, brandy butter or ice cream, and finally, Christmas cake and coffee, accompanied by liquers and mints, and n.b. there was always plenty wine (no alchohol for me though, but Port for the cook) to accompany all the courses—Le voila!! I’m hungry even writing this, but I must admit, he does go the extra mile to make it special for everyone; the children and adults, and when his mum, Nanny Lou, (Barry’s mum and a beautiful person), was alive. Barry can be a bit of a ‘grouch’ at times, but he does get the children psyched up, and plays the overworkd ‘chef’ after, and they love it. Yeah, I hope they have a great time. After I had spoken to them all, I put the phone down, and unlike me, I CRIED! It wasn’t even because of my legs, or the fact that I had been so ill and was still not well, it was just because of the loneliness and the realisation again of being disabled. Why couldn’t I have just had the accident, let the injuries heal, and after a few weeks, get out of bed then just get into a wheelchair and go home(wherever that was going to be and by some miracle not an alcoholic)!

I pulled myself together and tried to put on a brave face, when the phone rang again and it was for me… this time it was mum, she had gone to church, and was calling before they went to my brother Tony’s for Chrismas dinner. I thanked her for the beautiful chain, and to make sure she had a good time and not to worry about me, because there was plenty going on. She seemed happy enough, and I spoke to Margie who was home for Chrismas, and she had obviously already had a few, and I couldn’t get her off the phone, it was funny though… eventually, the phone was taken from her, and I said happy Christmas to Tony and Dina. That actually cheered me up, because I could just imagine the mayhem there, and Margie would no doubt be hilarious later, she normally is! I had forgotten for that split second that I was on my own and unhappy… . thanks guys, and I do mean that!

After that the lunches came round, and the kitchen obviously tried to make it a bit special, by putting little Chrismassy favours on the tray, but the food was pretty naff… in fact I wasn’t hungry, so it didn’t really matter. The soup was only tepid, but the roll was nice and fresh, although the turkey was dry there was cranberry sauce and gravy, and the roast tatties were ok, but the vegetables and the parsnips were overcooked, the stuffing was just like an uncooked sage and onion mix. The chrismas pudding was cold, and I like it hot, and it was only single cream and no brandy butter!! What an OUTRAGEOUS oversight! Sorry, I know someone had gone to the trouble of cooking it, and I’m not being ungrateful, I’m just in a very weird mood, probably because this is all new to me, and I have never felt so much on my own, yet, there are so many people here, if that makes sense? There was no alcohol today either… . pity! I could have done with getting legless… . oops, forgot I already am!! ho ho ho!

Well, I haven’t really written the book since Christmas day, but to fill you in, there is a guy in the next ward, Drew, (quite dishy as well), who had come in last week and I met him in the gym. He had been playing rugby, when he was taken down in a rugby tackle, and had landed badly on his back, and twisted his neck… when they tried to move him, he was in too much pain, so when the ambulance arrived they put him on the stretcher with the protective moulds round his whole body and then he was taken by ambulance from Edinburgh to this Unit, to assess the damage. Thankfully for Drew, his spinal injury was only a T2 (thorasic 2), which means that he is not a complete break, his spine has only been squashed and not totally severed, like mine was, and he will walk again, but he will have to work very hard on his physio and rehabilitation, then there is going to be a referral for him to go to one of the hospitals in Edinburgh (I can’t remember which one), where he will have to stay for about 4 months until he is fit enough to go home. He will be transferred to Edinburgh after the new year. Unfortunately, this gym is shut for the 2 weeks over christmas and new year so there is no way of using the gym for the weights or just for plain old excercising, what a shame, NOT! But the idiots left the prone trolley, which I would have used, in the damn gym.