One Split Second (22 page)

When I got back to the ward there was a lovely text on my phone from Casey saying that she was fine today and her friend Rachel was staying over with her tonight. I am so glad I have got that phone; I can keep in touch much better with the children rather than having to rely on the landline all the time. So, anyway, I took the risk and txtd back but I never mentioned the letter, I want that to be a surprise.

Whilst I was watching telly tonight one of the nurses noticed that my ‘vac’ was out. Not again… . so, the dressing had to be re-dressed and the vac had to be checked. I don’t know how long I’m gonna have that thing attached to my butt but I think it will be a while.

Well, I’ve txtd again, just saying goodnight and I am just about to put my light off, so I thought I would just finish my writing. Actually, these lamps in the ward are quite good for writing, you can move them in different directions and they have different powers for the light… Well, I say different, I mean 3, high, med, and dim… that’s me half the time, dim… actually, I am starting to get used to this place a bit more, and the people. I must be bloody bored though when I’m describing the friggin LIGHTS!

The head physio is John Hunter (as you know by now) and I’m not kidding, Hunter by name and hunter by nature—he always finds you wherever you are, to get you to that gym!!! I’ve realised, of late, that a sense of humour is a must, and, when there are so many patients and people, in this spinal unit, it is very easy without any malice intended, to be tactless, so, you have to be able to let things go ‘over your head’ and also be aware of what you are saying to other patients. I understand a bit better why the staff have to adopt that ‘matter-of-fact’, attitude that I totally perceived wrongly at first. Staff are not being uncaring’, and I do know that they are supposed to remain detached, but I do wish they could show a bit more compassion sometimes!

For me, so far, now that I have started talking to the other patients, I have to try to understand their situations, but it is hard, when I myself, have had such a horrible ‘life changing’ accident, and if someone was to ask me what happened, I don’t think I would have a problem telling them, but then I really don’t know what I would say at this stage because I am not sure if I am going to walk again, even though, according to the ‘experts’ I WON’T! It sounds too final at this early stage to make it so definite, and that is the one thing I am not going to give up on… what a Christmas that would be if the doctors were wrong and they had read the wrong notes? Dream on… I must stop putting stupid ideas in my head or clutching at straws, because I may just slip and give the kids false hope! Actually, now I know that the kids are gonna be up for Christmas I now have something to look forward to, so I will channel all my ‘thoughts’ and energy into that and think of ways to make it special!

Nite nite all… love my kids, my mum and all my family, and I hope Margie, Tony and Tina got back to Margies’ OK? Oh Santa, if your feeling especially generous this year, you know what I want, and I promise I will never, never… whatever… there is no point me making any promises… even to Santa… just, well… you know… ?

I don’t know what time I got up but it’s pretty late writing this. I am a bit worried about the pressure sore on my bum, because it was cleaned and dressed properly by staff nurse Pauline, but I’m afraid, she thinks there may have been a bug from the wound that got into my tummy and I now have diarrohea, so I am going to have to be changed regularly, and they are going to put me on a course of antibiotics. She is also worried that it could be the amount of antibiotics I have been on that could be causing the diarrohea… oh well, all I know is that I can’t bear the smell, and I will NEVER get used to being ‘cleaned’ up by anyone. Anyway, she said that the wound was very deep and very sluffy, and I asked if it could be anything to do with the vac coming out a couple of times this week, and she said it could have been a contributing factor, but it was hard to tell because it ‘was so bad’. Great! (any wonder my sense of humour is dwindling), she told me she knew I wanted this to be healed for Christmas, AND, to be in my chair, for christmas, (which I knew was unrealistic now anyway) so, she told me that in the ‘cold light of day’ it wouldn’t happen, and she was there for me if I needed to talk to anyone. She knew the doc had told me the same as well, but, she apologised for Dr Dunnes rather unfortunate, ‘ bedside manner!’ understatement of the year, me thinks.

Now, I have been given the wonderful news that my ‘urine infection’ has not cleared up properly and I will have to be given even more anti-biotics. Oh great, more diarrhoea. Then, just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse… . (sorry guys, but after yesterday… ?), Tony, Tina and Margie walked in… I showed no real excitement, but managed a ‘forced’ smile and said ‘hi’. Well, true to miserly form, they didn’t disappoint me, they handed me a ‘Tesco’ bag, and inside were a packet of ‘Tesco Value’ (I hate VALUE/cheap) Éclairs!!! With 2 already out!! And they bought me a ‘Tesco Value’ bag of small milky ways!! My first immediate thought wasn’t ‘thank you’, it was more me thinking that they must have gone looking for the ‘cheap’ stuff again… then I noticed they also brought some fruit, and for a split second they nearly ‘redeemed’ themselves, then I looked down at 4 tangerines, (they obviously don’t have a ‘Tesco Value’ at the Groceries). So, I put my, ‘look pleased, even grateful, but really wondering can people, my own family, really be this mean,’ face on. Is this record stuck? I’m starting to bore myself. Thanks guys! Well, we started to talk about different things, and Toni and Margie were actually being quite funny, but, I don’t know what’s wrong with me at the moment, because I love seeing the family, but the more they try to cheer me up, the worse, I get. They are trying to be funny and ‘normal’, and I mean that in the sense, that if I had a broken leg, they would ask me about it (does it hurt, when’s the cast coming off…), but because of the nature of my accident, they won’t talk about it!! . . .

But, they WILL make jokes about; ‘the family dog having to pull me up the long driveway into my mother’s house by tieing my wheelchair to a length of rope’; and getting a ‘high wheelchair’ for me next time we go out for a meal; and joking about getting the whole of Fort George ‘pedestrianised’ to protect ‘Joe Public’, and have warning signs, ‘Look Out Dangerous Wheelchair Driver Ahead—Speed Limit 20 mph’; and, saying, ‘God will make allowances now for me not getting to the church on time’; and, ‘did this mean that we would get front row seats at mass on a Sunday’? . . . in a word… SHITE! Ha, bloody, ha… I was really busting a gut! I must admit, I did manage my well-practiced grimace!

Then they went onto tell me about what a lovely meal they had at lunchtime with Margie’s two sons, Matthew and Jacob (my nephews). Now, on the subject of Matthew and Jacob. I love my nephews, and I was actually in the local competitive swimming club with Matthew, weird, cause I didn’t feel like his aunt when we were both young, anyway, we lost touch for a long time and I was led to believe that him and Jacob went into business together, in the hospitality industry, and were doing ok. So it’s unfortunate that at the moment the timeshare industry has been getting a lot of bad press, and they are being investigated, but then so are lots of other companies. I hope they are going to be ok, because it would be awful if they had to give up their nice lifestyles, and fast cars if the investigation doesn’t fall in their favour. I just pray that they will be ok. I don’t even like to think about it. Apparently, some low-life are selling timeshare to people who want to have a holiday home or retirement home abroad, and when they have paid out monies in their thousands, some have even used their life savings, after signing over their money, at a later date have found out that there was never a timeshare, and their money had disappeared. Some scam. Pretty shitty thing to do to someone, eh? Anyway, I’m sure everything is fine. Anyway, Margie thinks they are going ‘great-guns’, and she and the rest of the family are enjoying the amenities of some of the timeshares the boys have in Tenerife and Lanzarote… very nice!

Margie asked if the boys had been in to see me and when I said no, she went on the defensive straight away, giving me reasons why they hadn’t… . I wasn’t even looking for excuses and I hadn’t even brought up the subject!! Then quickly getting away from that subject, she asked me ‘why hadn’t I asked her about how she was since her operation’? ‘I’m sorry, how are you? To be honest I didn’t even KNOW she had, had an operation—no-one told me… . oops, TIME FOR A RAINCHECK!

Thankfully, the ‘Salvation Army’ arrived, in the guise of Angela, Lawrie and Lynda… . thank you GOD! I was hoping, they wouldn’t go down the same route as the ‘disability jokes’? At least Lawrie and Angela and especially Lynda, were keen to know how I was progressing and how was I, and how was I feeling and dealing with everything (nice to be asked)? I explained all was OK, and I just left it there, no elaboration. Then Lawrie went on to apologise for having to leave me that weekend that I had the hallucinogenic experience, and how badly he felt, and he didn’t want to leave but that the docs had reassured him that they had it under control. He didn’t have to apologise, but I appreciated that he did though… . that was pretty decent. I can vividly remember pulling at his jacket pleading with him not to leave me. I will never forget that. I was terrified.

It wasn’t long before they were all talking amongst themselves, which left me and Lynda to have a good old chin-wag… that was until her mobile rang. She was trying to find it and couldn’t. Then, Margie, being a nurse, started going mental at me, to get my mobile phone off, (and it wasn’t even mine), then, when she realised it was Lynda’s phone, between clenched teeth was telling her to ‘find it and put it OFF, because they could all get thrown out’! Yeah, yeah, Margie, get real! By this time it had gone off anyway. If that is true about the phones, then how come the student doctors use their mobile phones all through the unit without a worry—especially when they’re sitting at the nurses station—which is opposite the High Dependancy Unit (HDU)? So, after that, they all decided they ‘should really get going’. I gave them all hugs, and then Lynda gave me an extra one, I love my niece to bits. We all said ‘bye bye’, and I said my usual, ‘love you all’ under my breath.

I forgot to mention, when Angela arrived she brought me sweets, in a selection box, (in October?); ‘handsome’ smelly stuff from the body shop, that suspiciously looked like something she may had found unopened in her bathroom and didn’t realise it was for a ‘male’; and a ‘French Nail Polish Kit’—obviously an old pressie from someone and put unopened in another bathroom, with the £4.99 sticker still on the bottom; then she gave me some second-hand gym clothes, well I say gym, more like aerobics, with a leotard, bra and thong knickers that are worn on the outside, which was definitely ‘aerobics’ gear and not suitable for our gym here… far too lightweight. You’re with the ‘big boys’ now. I’m sure they would have appreciated the ‘aerobic’ look on Helen, but without a doubt, not on me! Then, there were clothes that she had brought through from mum, which I recognised from mum’s bottom drawer. Thanks mum. So, there you go, ain’t I the lucky one, with my ‘oh so generous family’ . . . I am very thankful and appreciative… I am very… I am… I’m… (keep saying it and I will believe it)!

Oh, well, warts and all, I still love my ‘skinflint’ family.

Let me substantiate that last paragraph and examine the facts:-

Yesterday, Tony and Tina had come down to see Margie, and then today, went into Glasgow looking for tellies and proceeded to tell me all about the lovely lunch they had with the ‘boys’ (Matthew and Jacob) . . . SO, they never came to see ME first they came down to do the other things. They had come in for about 15 minutes yesterday, and I had started to get tetchy’ with Margie. Then, Angela and Lawrie had really come this way to meet up with Maclean, and then to carry on over to Amy and Stanleys because they were going to a timeshare together. I just happened to be en-route.

I’m not feeling sorry for myself, and I do love my family and I do appreciate their ‘efforts’ but sometimes giving someone something, can be more insulting than giving them nothing. And at one point I may as well have not been there!

THEN, I forgot to say… just when I thought I was being too harsh, when they were all saying their goodbyes, Tony had to crack a really funny joke for his Finale:—”Its OK Juilliana, don’t get up!—Oh, sorry, I forgot, U can’t!!” Snigger, bloody, Snigger… .

All joking aside, FUCK OFF!

When they had all left I felt a bit deflated, so just asked for a cup of tea and tried to settle down. As if by magic, my lovely Casey phoned, right on cue, and I burst out crying, telling her everything. She just listened, and then actually helped me make a bit of sense about the whole thing. They are my family, and they aren’t going to change… its ME that is… I have to get stronger, grow a back-bone (metaphorically, speaking, of course), and a thicker skin. She is so right and so perceptive and I was over sensitive, and probably everthing felt exaggerated. I love her, and Mitch, but he’s away tonight. Mum phoned as well, and I spoke for a while, but there was no point telling her how I really felt because the first thing mum always says if I tell her someone has been in to see me “Oh, that was nice, you must have enjoyed that?! Mmm… . NO!

I love mum dearly, and just said I received her note with £10 in it for phone money… when I didn’t… . So, I’m just gonna eat one, or all, of my selection box sweets (my first—unintentional—Christmas pressie), watch a film and go to sleep. Nite Nite xxxxx God bless my whole disfunctional family xxxxxxxx

I put nite nite in my last entry, but I didn’t actually fall asleep for ages last night… . I watched part of the Godfather… and it was just coincidental, that, that’s what I call the Windsor Family, The Highland Mafia’, and it is so apt.!

But when I did fall asleep, I don’t if you know what I mean, when you go through the motions of REM, but your brain doesn’t switch off, and then when you wake up, it’s not really like you slept at all. People talk about being ‘overtired’, and I think I was both mentally and physically drained. I read back on some of my writing this morning, and my writing stops making sense (and for all you critics out there, I can just hear you saying, ‘but does any of it make sense anyway’ . . . its just a waste of time writing when I am tired because it just is a lot of gobbledygook…