One (One Universe) (21 page)

My mind seizes. All I ever wanted was to have an in at the Hub. But since Elias came along, even though I wasn’t exactly imagining a future with him, it just hadn’t seemed so bad to not be a normal Super anymore. Being a One, and an awesome One together with him, had felt okay. Enough for me to ditch Mr. Hoffman in the library at least.

Now I have no idea what feels okay because nothing does. My skin crawls again. Back to freaking square one. I yank my hand from his and stalk out.

I’m so mad I almost don’t even realize he’s followed me out to my car. I whirl around and glare at him.

“Do you have memories?” he asks. “Memories of the Hub? Of being there when you were little? Of being…examined?”

“Elias. No. I mean…our parents would have had to…”

He nods, slowly, and I don’t want to believe it. “I remember, Merrin. This has been a reality since we were little. It has nothing to do with me, with my decisions. Nothing at all. Me…knowing about you… Well, yeah, at first I wanted to find you. But then I fell in love with you. And now I just want to protect you, okay? Protect you like I can’t protect my sisters.”

“I don’t need protection. I need honesty, Elias. I need someone who actually cares about me and not my One. Not what I can make them do. And I guess I’m not getting that from you.”

I get into my car, slam the door so hard I think it’ll break off, and drive through the narrow country roads for a long time, until the shaking in my body transfers to the rumble of the tires along the road.

It isn’t until I pull in the garage and rest my forehead on the steering wheel that I really hear what Elias said.

He loves me.

And now it doesn’t even matter anymore.

TWENTY

A
few hours later, my fury has dissipated —thanks in large part to my rickety drums and the abuse I gave them. Now it’s just solid, brooding anger.

I call Leni, and she comes over within a few minutes. She lets me put my head on her lap and runs her fingers through my hair. That soothes me enough that I just feel mortified and empty.

When I think of Elias, that look in his eyes when I yelled at him, I totally lose it.

We sit there in my room on the floor together for what seems like a long time, me sobbing and gasping and snotting on her jeans and her not saying anything because she knows it wouldn’t help. Nothing would help. I can’t even eat ice cream — ice cream! — because my stomach turns and flops and twists so much.

Even though there’s no way I’d tell Leni everything, I do tell her about how we got in a fight, then Elias told me he loved me, and I screamed at him and drove away.

Finally, I flop over on the floor next to her and just stare at the ceiling.

“You don’t even know that anything’s wrong, you know. I mean, it’s not like you broke up. You barely even talked to him.”

That just makes me start crying again. She squeezes my shoulders and says, “It’ll be okay. This is Elias. I know Elias, remember?”

I sniffle. “Yeah. Yeah.” I sit up to blow my nose and look at her. I’m so embarrassed that I laugh a little.

“You guys will figure this out,” she says, rubbing my arm. “I’ve never seen him like this with anyone, Merrin. This is the first year I’ve seen him happy since he was a little kid, you know? He loves you.”

I shake my head and sniffle again. “Not anymore, probably.”

She rolls her eyes smiles. “Merrin. He does. Since he met you, he’s…peaceful. It’s been a while since I could say that about him.”

Leni’s cuff beeps. She answers it, then says, “Yeah. Okay.” She hangs up, leans in, and gives me a hug.

“Dinnertime?” I just realized it had gotten dark outside.

“Yeah. I’ll text later. You okay?” she says into my hair.

“Mmm hmmm.”

I head downstairs after smearing some concealer under my eyes, hoping to find some brownies or a candy bar or something. Mom and Dad sit at the kitchen island, talking quietly.

Mom looks up at me watchfully. I never know whether she is suspicious or worried or disappointed. All I know is that the look is always there, and it’s the reason we’ve never been close. I’ve never been able to figure out what she thinks of me, and there’s no way I can ask her. Especially not now.

“How are you doing, Merry Berry?” Dad asks, smiling. I know he’s trying to lighten the mood. His eyes crinkle upward, like it’s secret code for “Just play along.” But I don’t want to be in a good mood. I want to cry in frustration that they seem to know what is happening with the boys and I have no clue.

The part that causes the biggest ache in my gut is that they don’t seem to think I’m important enough to know.

“Merrin? Merrin.” Mom puts her hand on my arm, and I break out of my daze.

“Yeah, Mom?”

“Merrin, I’m going away for a few days, too. For an intensive study at the Hub.” Her eyes are a little empty, with huge circles underneath them. She’s not happy, not glowing at all like she was after her demonstration at the Symposium.

“Mom, you okay?” I still can’t summon that much affection for her, but I am worried. And what the hell is going on with half my family at the Hub? Half of Superior, it seems like?

“Yes. Yes, I’m okay. I’ve left some dinners frozen for you two.”

I look at Dad. Maybe he knows. Does he know?

Dad picks at his cuticles. “Dear, I don’t think this is the way to…”

Her eyes dart over to Dad, full of some weird look I’ve never seen in them before.

I can’t stand to look at either of them anymore. There’s only one person in the universe who will understand me right now, who knows me and my Oneness inside and out. So, almost without thinking, I head back to my room, pull on one of Elias’s sweatshirts, and call Elias.

“Elias, I have to tell you something.” After agonizing and pacing and burying my face in my Elias-sweatshirt-covered hands, I finally called him.

“I have to tell you something, too.”

I blow out a breath.

He continues. “First, I’m sorry. But you know that. I mean, I hope you do. But there’s something else. Dad freaked out at me about that whole backpack thing again.”

I suck in a breath. “Why?”

He’s silent on the other end, which I can’t stand.

“What did you tell him?”

There’s a pause. “Elias?” I say after a minute.

“Nothing about you. So don’t worry about it.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I told him I flew. Um, finally.”

“You what?” This makes me sit up straight. “Elias, what happens…what happens when he wants you to do it again?” My heart races with panic for Elias, how he’ll perpetuate this lie that he told on my behalf.

“I’ll tell him… I don’t know.” He sighs, so loud I can practically feel it puffing through the speaker. “I’ll tell him it fizzled or something.”

I have no idea what to say. I can think of a million reasons why that’s a bad idea, but I feel like it’s none of my business right now. Not after how we fought this morning.

“We could tell him. Together.”

“No. We’re not doing that. I don’t want you involved in… I just don’t.”

It sounds like he’s saying, “I don’t want you.” And I can see that, I really can, because of the way I reacted, screamed at him, accused him of not caring about me. Worst, didn’t trust him.

“Merrin.”

I don’t know if he wants me to answer or if he just likes to say my name. I’m hoping for the latter, but since I acted like such a freak earlier, I’m betting on the former.

“Yeah?” I say, after a long pause.

“I used to dream about flying.”

Tears well in my eyes, and a lump blocks sound from leaving my throat. I can hear Elias breathing on the other end. Waiting for me, as he always has. After a long minute, I finally say, “Me too.”

“I was dreaming about you, Merrin. I was missing you. Before I even knew you. Before…”

“Before you knew my name?”

“Yeah.”

“But you still knew that before you met me. Didn’t you?”

There’s a pause, and I can hear the rustle of sheets or blankets or something. He must be lying in bed. I guess that would make most girls hot and bothered, but I’ll never be able to truly separate my vision of what I’d like to do with Elias from a cornfield with the scent of autumn fires in the air.

“Yeah,” he says finally. “Just a few years. I’ve been waiting for you to transfer to Nelson. Couldn’t believe it took you so long. And remember…you wouldn’t tell me your name for days. So, really, it could have been any random transfer I had a crush on before you finally broke down and told me.” He laughs shakily. “Besides, the dreams… They were even before then. I wish I could prove it to you, Mer. After that first time we flew together, I wouldn’t have cared if it was our last. After that, all I wanted was you. I wish you could know that. Wish you could know how much I…”

I can’t stand this anymore, can’t stand being angry with him but loving him so much that it hurts. I can’t stand not having anything to say. I can’t stand not telling him about the boys and not knowing why I can’t bring myself to get the words out.

I sigh. “Goodnight, Elias.”

“Goodnight, Supergirl.”

I dream of white rooms and cold air. My body doesn’t rest on anything, and I feel like I’m floating, even though my body feels heavy as usual. I can’t see the sky and I can’t feel the air moving at all. Something pinches my arm, and then I feel dizzy, and the dream turns to dark coldness. I can’t get warm under my covers.

I want Elias more than anything in the world, and I’m terrified, because even if I looked for him now, I know I’d never find him.

TWENTY-ONE

I
wake with a start, my legs tangled in the sheets. My breaths seize my chest, quick in-and-outs, and I scan the room for something, though I have no idea what.

Not something. Someone. Elias. I want to be near him so badly it hurts. I fall back on my pillow, staring at the ceiling.

Then my cuff on the nightstand buzzes its notification that I have a message. I strap it to my wrist, squint away from it when its light glares at me the darkness. I blink hard, straining to see. Five missed calls. One message. I punch in the code and listen.

It’s Elias. His voice chokes out short sentences. “I’m not gonna be around for a while, Mer.” He takes in a sharp breath, and my heart wrenches. “I’m sorry.” And then he hangs up.

I feel like the entire world stops around me, like I have to work hard against its frozenness to blink or breathe or think.

What the hell? Where is he going? Are his parents transferring him to Super? That wouldn’t be such a big deal; I could still see him. Are they moving out of town?

I’m sorry, too. I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry for a lot of things, and I’m a little ashamed. That clouds my thoughts so much that I can’t imagine what I’d say to him, especially over the phone like this, not in person. I’m not mad at him; now I just wish I could see him.

I’m still wearing one of his sweatshirts from bedtime — threw it on over the camisole, t-shirt, and long-sleeved shirt I was already wearing — because the smell of him is one of the only things that can calm me, even when I’m angry at him.

I toss on some jeans, socks, and my Chucks, and then push out the door in the dark, heading to my car even though it’s only 4:15. All the better — the next shift is probably just getting into the station or maybe grabbing their morning donuts.

I race the whole way to the VanDyne house. Elias’s car reflects blue from my headlights, and I sigh with relief.

I want to wiggle into bed next to him, wrap my arms around his waist, bury my head in his chest and forget the rest of the world exists. Whisper to him in the dark that I’m sorry, tell him we’re in this together, that we’ll figure out this whole stupid backpack thing and the Hub thing, and if we can’t, we’ll run away together, anywhere, anytime, just like he wanted, as long as we’re together.

I knock on the door right after I realize how freaking early it is, how normal people aren’t even awake at this hour. No one answers, of course. I run down the side of the house and start chucking gravel pebbles at Elias’s window. After a few minutes of that, there’s still no movement from inside. I know I’m definitely not supposed to be here, with his weird curfew and all, but still. Elias would know it was me, would open his window.

I hook my fingers onto the window sill and float up just a tad to peer inside. It’s still dark in there, but the blue glow of his alarm clock illuminates the room enough for me to see that his bed is empty.

My arms shake, so violently that I almost can’t hold on to the sill anymore. My stomach twists painfully. I dash all the way to the other side of the house, right outside the music room door.

I raise my palm up to the smooth black panel and whisper, “Hey, Rosie.” Just as I’m about to press my hand to it, I spot something sticking out of the narrow gap where the panel meets the house’s outer wall — a scrap of paper. I tug it out and unfold it with trembling hands. When I read what’s written there, my stomach twists even more.

M —

Knock knock.

— E

My heart stops, and I can’t fill my lungs. He’s at the Hub. Oh my God, they’ve taken him to the Hub, and they’re going to try to get him to fly.

I push my sleeve up to look at my cuff, but it loosened in my scramble to get dressed, and it flops off into the garden. I scrabble around among the plants, leaves scraping my arms, soil caking under my fingernails, trying to find it. But it’s dark, and under the shadows of the plants, I can’t see anything. Hot tears stream down my face. Finally, kneeling in the dirt, I find it and search for his call in the log. He called me at 3:30 AM.

“Dammit!” I scream at the house, at all the shit that Elias has gone through, at all the more he’ll go through on account of me. I slam my palm against the scanner, open the music room door, and streak past the drum set that two months ago I thought was the most awesome thing in the world.

I’m already in the hallway by the time Rosie has finished saying, “Welcome, Merrin Grey,” and my heart nearly stops. Why does the damn house have to announce every person who walks through the door?