One Night: Denied (17 page)

William’s eyes close slowly, reminding me of my part-time gentleman’s lazy blink. It makes me want to dash to Miller without delay, let him immerse me in his sanctuary and
thing
. ‘Please, allow me to take you home.’ He steps back and opens the car door again, gesturing with pleading eyes for me to get in.

‘I’d rather walk,’ I tell him. I still feel ill and the fresh air will do me good. Plus, I need to get to my doctor and I can’t ask William to drop me there. The thought makes me shudder on the spot.

My petulance is irritating him, but I stand firm, not prepared to be bossed into his car again. ‘Then at least give me five minutes.’ He indicates across the road to the square where Miller once sat me – the time I finally gave in and let him have his one night.

I nod, silently pleased he isn’t demanding me into his car. He needs to know I can assert some control, too. We start to wander across together, William giving his driver a mild nod as we leave. My stomach is churning, a mixture of sadness and compassion. I feel like I’m falling into an abyss of knowledge. I don’t want to continue my descent because I know it’ll be a bumpy landing – one that’s going to shred the unforgiving resentment I hold for my mother and replace it with overwhelming guilt. Each minute I spend with William Anderson is weakening the band circling the hardened part of my heart that I’ve reserved for holding utter contempt for Gracie Taylor. It’s going to snap soon and let the cynical fragments merge with the soft, fallen part. I’m not sure whether I can cope with more heartache, not after I’ve barely recovered and can feel light filling the darkness. But curiosity and the overpowering need to validate what Miller and I have is overriding my reluctance.

We both lower to a bench and I remain quiet, watching William’s stiff body trying to relax next to me. And failing on every level. He places his hands on his lap and removes them. He reaches for his phone, checks it, and replaces it in his inside pocket. He crosses his legs, then uncrosses them, and his elbow rests on the bench’s arm. He’s uncomfortable, which is making me uncomfortable, too. Although I continue to study his string of awkward motions.

‘You’ve never told anyone your story, have you?’ I ask, surprising myself when my palm lands on his knee and squeezes in a gesture of comfort. It’s obscene for me to be offering my empathy. He sent my mother away and lost her for ever, for both of us. But he sent me away, too. And saved me.

The distinguished gentleman stops shifting and drops his gaze to my hand. Then he lays his big palm over mine and holds it. He sighs. ‘I was in training, if you will. Being ordained to take over for my uncle. I was twenty-one, a nasty little fucker, and fearless to boot. Nothing and no one fazed me. I was the perfect successor.’

My eyes drop to our hands and I watch closely as he fiddles with my ring thoughtfully before drawing breath. ‘Gracie had landed in my uncle’s club by accident. She was with friends, tipsy and bold. She hadn’t the first idea of what she’d stepped into, and I should’ve sent her on her way the second I clocked her, but I was rendered immobile by her spirit. It emanated from her entire being, right from her soul, and it held me in its claws. I tried to walk away, but they dug in further. They held me there.’

He reaches up with his spare hand and rubs at his eyes on a long, drawn-out sigh. ‘She laughed.’ William gazes ahead thoughtfully. ‘Tipped martinis down her beautiful throat and carried her stunning body onto the dance floor. I was rapt. Hypnotised. Among the corrupted, sinful best of London was my Gracie. She was mine. Or going to be. When my duty was to lead her away from the seedy underworld that I was destined to run, I was instead luring her in.’

The particles holding that contempt for my mother and the considerable part of my heart that holds pure, raw love for Miller begin to blend. I’m beginning to lose the ability to distinguish between the two . . . just as I suspected and feared. William looks up at me and smiles wistfully, his handsome face pained and remorseful. ‘I bought her champagne. She’d never tasted it. Watching her eyes sparkle in new-found delight lifted a layer from my hard heart. Not once did she stop smiling and not once did my doubt waver that I had to make this young woman mine. I knew I was swimming in murky waters, but I was blinded.’

‘You wish you had,’ I suggest, knowing I’m right. ‘You wish you had seen her out and forgotten about her.’

He laughs a little. It’s condescending. ‘There wasn’t a hope of me forgetting Gracie Taylor. Sounds ridiculous, I know. I snatched a measly hour with her, stole a kiss when she resisted and told her I’d be taking her out the following evening. Somewhere off the beaten track. Somewhere private, where no one knew me. She said no but didn’t stop me when I helped myself to her bag and found some identity to confirm her name and address.’ His smile broadens in an obvious moment of reflection. ‘Gracie Taylor.’ The sound of my mother’s name pleases him, and I can’t prevent a fond smile from developing on my own lips. The blossoming feelings between Gracie and William are picture perfect. Novel material. Consuming and irrational. Then it all went horribly wrong.

I can totally relate to my mother. Despite William and Miller clearly despising each other, they have many similar qualities. She must have been just as blinded by William Anderson as he claimed to be by her. And as I am by Miller Hart.

‘Your obligation to your uncle ruined everything.’

‘Obliterated it,’ he corrects sardonically. ‘My uncle was planning to retire, but a freak accident sent his body to the bottom of the Thames before we got to give him his timepiece.’

My brow crumples. ‘Timepiece?’

He smiles and lifts my hand to his lips, kissing it sweetly. ‘It’s commonly recognised as a good retirement gift.’

‘It is?’

‘Yes, funny, don’t you think? Someone who no longer has to clock-watch is given a watch.’

I chuckle with William, feeling a bond between us budding. ‘It’s quite ironic.’

‘Very much so.’

What’s also ironic is that we’re laughing about this when he’s just informed me that his uncle died so tragically. ‘I’m sorry about your uncle.’

William huffs a sarcastic puff of breath. ‘Don’t be. He got what he deserved. Live by the sword, die by it. Isn’t that what they say?’

I don’t know. Do they? I’m being fed information that is way too vivid and complex for my poor mind to process.

I stammer all over my words, but the comprehension seems to bite me on the arse. ‘Was your uncle an immoral bastard?’

‘Yes,’ he chuckles again, wiping under his eyes. ‘He was
the
immoral bastard. Things changed once I took over. I might have been a nasty bastard when I needed to be, but I wasn’t unfair. I implemented new rules, sorted the girls out, and weeded out the arseholes on the client list as best I could. I was young, fresh, and it worked. Earned me far more respect than my uncle ever gained. The ones who wanted to stick around and do things my way stayed. The ones who didn’t like the changes went and continued to be immoral bastards. I earned myself a lot of enemies, but even at that age I was not to be taken lightly.’

‘Have you killed anyone?’ I blurt the question without thought, and startled greys flip to mine fast. I almost let an apology slip for asking such a thing, but the wary glaze that descends over William’s clear eyes tells me it’s not such a stupid inquiry. He has.

‘That’s irrelevant, don’t you think?’

No, I don’t, but his cautionary glare prevents me from saying so. Had he not taken someone’s life, then I’m certain he’d be quick to put me right. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be.’ He reaches over and skims his knuckles over my cheek. ‘Your beautiful mind doesn’t need to be tarnished with ugliness.’

‘Too late,’ I whisper, making William’s delicate touch falter. ‘But we’re not talking about me and my decisions. What happened then?’

Shifting in his seated position, William takes both of my hands and turns to me. ‘We courted.’

‘Dated?’

‘Yes, if you will.’

I smile, remembering Nan using the very same word. ‘And?’

‘And it was intense. Gracie, although young and lacking in experience, had passion built in and ready to unleash. And she unleashed it on me. It sparked an undiscovered hunger in me. A hunger for her.’

‘You fell in love.’

‘I think that happened immediately.’ Sadness washes over his features again, his eyes dropping to his lap. ‘I spent only a month swallowed up in your mother’s fiery desire. Then reality hit, and Gracie and I were suddenly an impossible combination.’

I know exactly how he must have felt, and whatever bond we share just got a little stronger. ‘What happened?’

‘My eye was off the ball and one of my girls paid for it.’

I gasp and reclaim a hand.

He rubs his forehead, reliving the pain. ‘Damage control was something else. My enemies would have been pigs in shit over it.’

‘So you broke things off with her.’

‘Tried to. For a long, long time. Gracie was addictive and the thought of facing a day without immersing myself in her was unthinkable. And anyway, she knew how to render me stupid, how to brandish her sass and body unfairly. I was screwed.’ William relaxes back on the bench and gazes across the square, drifting off somewhere distant and troubled. ‘I kept us on the down-low. She would have been a target.’

‘It wasn’t just your obligation to the girls that stopped you being together, was it?’ I don’t need confirmation.

‘No, it wasn’t. If I allowed my feelings for that woman to be known, she would have been a red flag. I may as well have served her on a fucking plate.’

‘But that happened anyway,’ I remind him. He sent her away, let her fall into the hands of an immoral bastard.

‘After a few traumatic years, yes, it did. I always hoped you would be enough to pull her around.’

I scoff, pissed off at being reminded of my lack of incentive to my mother. ‘We all know how that worked out for you,’ I snipe. ‘Sorry I let you down.’

‘Enough!’

‘How did she become pregnant with another man’s child?’ I ask, ignoring his irritation at my candidness. ‘She was nineteen when she had me. That’s not long after you met.’

‘She punished me, Olivia. I already told you that. I don’t need to remind you of the book. Remember reading much of me in there?’

‘No,’ I admit, feeling almost sorry for William.

‘She became pregnant with another man’s child. It deflected any suspicion there may have been about your mother and me.’

‘Who was he?’

William scoffs. ‘Who the hell knows? Gracie certainly didn’t.’ Resentment pours from him and he releases a calming rush of breath. Speaking of this makes him angry. And it just makes me hate my mother more. ‘You were probably the best thing that could have happened.’

‘I’m glad someone thinks so,’ I say scathingly.

‘Olivia!’

‘I’m glad I served a purpose,’ I laugh wickedly. ‘And here’s me thinking no one wanted me, yet it turns out that I did my mother’s pimp a favour. My purpose in life is making me so proud.’

‘You saved your mother’s life, Livy.’

‘What?’ I snap. He’s not going to suggest that my purpose was to deter the enemy, to deflect from Gracie and William’s relationship? ‘Just so she could abandon me later?’ I ask. ‘For all we know, she’s dead, William! My purpose stands for shit because despite everything, she still ended up fucking dead! I still have no mother and you have no Gracie!’ I heave violently next to him, blinking back tears of fury. The compassion has been sucked up, the merging parts of my heart severed in the blink of an eye . . . or the delivery of a thoughtless sentence. He was doing so well. The history of their relationship momentarily made me forget about the matter at hand. Miller. And me. Us. We’re not destined to follow the same destructive path of tortured love and irreparable heartache. We were on our way, but we saved each other.

I stand and swing towards him. He’s regarding me carefully. ‘Miller won’t let me down like you did Gracie.’ I turn and storm away, hearing him hiss on a wince. I half expect to be seized before I make it out of the square, but I’m allowed to remove myself from William and his revelations without intervention.

*

I don’t mean to, but when I finally make it home, I slam the front door shut, still reeling after my time with William and exhausted after my time at the doctor’s. I don’t recall much of my time sitting opposite my
GP
’s desk. I blurted my predicament, was interrogated before being prescribed the morning-after pill and contraceptive pill, and left, taking myself across the road to the pharmacy. And it was all done in a cloud of hopelessness.

The harsh clatter of the door crashing within the frame prompts Nan to scuttle from the kitchen in alarm. ‘Livy, whatever’s the matter?’ She glances down at her old watch. ‘It’s not even midday.’

I don’t bother trying to compose myself – I’m still too wound up – so I utilise my only other option, which is fine because it’s part true. ‘Del sent me home.’

‘Are you ill?’ Her steps increase in pace as she wipes her hands on the tea towel, until she’s standing before me feeling my forehead. ‘You have a temperature.’

Yes, I have. I’m burning with blinding rage. Sagging against the front door, I let my grandmother fuss over me, grateful for the sight of her friendly face, even if it’s etched in worry right now. ‘I’m okay.’

‘Pa!’ she scoffs. ‘Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining!’ She brushes some damp tendrils from my face. ‘The faster you learn that I’m not doolally-tap the better.’ Her old sapphire eyes drill holes into my pathetic form. ‘I’ll make tea.’ She’s off up the hallway. ‘Come.’

‘Because tea makes everything in the world right,’ I mutter, pushing myself off the door and following her.

‘What?’

‘Nothing.’ I land in a chair and retrieve my phone from my satchel when it chimes.

‘A call?’ Nan asks, flicking the kettle on.

‘A text.’

She turns, genuine curiosity my way. ‘How do you know the difference?’

‘Well, because a call . . .’ I halt mid-sentence as I unlock my shiny new device. ‘Are you ever going to have a mobile phone?’