One Moment (24 page)

Tanna grabbed my hand and stopped me. “You have to, Mags. He’s been so upset, pulling away from us, all because he’s been keeping this secret from
you
. You need to hear him out, to listen to his reasons.”

“Tanna, I—”

“Maggie, you’re the only one who’s gonna get through to him right now.”

“Bro!” Pete shouted up the side of the cliff, his hands cupped around his mouth to be sure his words reached Adam. “What are you doing up there?”

We were standing in front of the Jumping Hole, the wind twisting around our bodies, all of us looking up. Adam was at the top, standing at the edge of the cliff, dark clouds rushing across the sky behind him.

“This isn’t funny,” Shannon yelled.

“I’m not trying to be funny,” Adam shouted. He swayed a little, back and forth. “I’m celebrating my freedom!”

“He’s been drinking,” I said. “What the hell are we supposed to do?”

“This isn’t a
we
thing,” Tanna said, turning and looking at me. “This has to be you.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

Tanna bit her lip. Shook her head.

“You have to go up there and get him,” Tanna said. “He’s not going to listen to any of us. He’s hating himself right now because of what happened with you.”

I thought of all the messages he’d left, all the texts I’d ignored since the Fourth of July. Adam had been trying to apologize and I’d shut him out. But then I looked to the ground, the wind tossing my hair wild, my eyes tripping over to the spot where Joey had been lying the last time I was here.

“This isn’t my fault!” I screamed. “I didn’t do
one thing
to cause this! Why the hell should I have to go up there?” Then the tears came, falling from my eyes faster than I could swipe them away. I did not want to be crying, but everything inside me had surged forward and pushed its way out.

“Stop being so self-absorbed,” Shannon said with a sneer. “Adam is up there and he needs you. Just like you needed him the day Joey died.”

“Self-absorbed?” I shouted. “Did you really just call me—”

“Yes!” The wind carried Shannon’s word and whipped it into the night. “You’ve been at the center of this thing from the beginning, Maggie. With your boyfriend gone and your memory gone, everyone’s been tripping over themselves to make sure you’re okay. I’ve had to watch from the sidelines. No one knew how I really felt. And now that I have a chance to share how this has affected me, all I get is people talking behind my back about what a bitch I am. What I did might not have been right, but I loved him, too, Maggie.”

“You expect me to care?” I asked. “After you ran to the police and tried to convince them that I had something to do with Joey’s death? Give me a fucking break, Shannon.”

“Guys!” Pete yelled, his face twisted with irritation. “This is
not
the time.”

“Where’d he go?” Tanna asked, her head tipped back, her words frantic. “Where’s Adam?”

“All clear?” The voice trickled down to us, the meaning of the words slamming into me so hard they almost knocked me down.

“No!” we all shouted at once. The thunder of our voices crashing through the gorge brought Adam back to the edge of the cliff.

“It’s as clear as ever,” Adam shouted, waving a finger side to side. “It’s not nice to lie, you guys. You should’ve learned that much by now.”

“Stay there,” I shouted. “I’m coming up.”

“Maggie,” Adam called. “I have to do this.”

“Just give me five minutes,” I shouted. “Please.”

Adam swayed with a gust of wind. Then he sat down, dangling his legs over the side of the cliff. I was relieved and scared half to death. Adam was safe for now, but I had to get myself up to that cliff top and talk him down. All without allowing my memories to pull me into a total panic.

The creek was so swollen, the Jumping Rocks were almost underwater, and I had to hop carefully from one to the next as I made my way across the bridge they created.

When I got to the other side, the trail was dark.

Black-hole dark.

“You can do this.” I whispered the words to myself over and over, the reassurance stringing out into the night, trailing up into the sky to be carried away by all those rushing clouds.

Branches cracked under my feet with almost every step. Leaves rushed and spiraled in the harsh wind, restless for a place to hide. As I hiked up the trail, I wondered if the wind was trying to keep me away. It seemed angry. Strong.

But tonight, I was stronger.

“You can do this.”

The cadence of the repetition calmed me. Kept my mind from what I was about to do. If I thought about it, I might stop and turn around. And that was not an option.

Adam needed me.

I stumbled on the root of a tree. Fell to the ground, my hands catching me as a loud grunt escaped my lips. My fingers dug into the moist bed of the trail, the trail I had last traveled with Joey. No, wait. That had been Adam. I couldn’t believe how mixed up everything still was, even with all my memories in place.

I smelled rain, a metallic scent that told me the clouds were about to break open. I needed to hurry.

I pushed myself from the ground, finding my footing. My hands shook as I dusted them off. My legs wobbled, threatening to buckle. I wanted to stop. But I couldn’t. I
had
to do this.

My hands reached out for every tree that I passed.

A thin tree with smooth, silky bark.

A gnarled tree, bumpy like an old man.

An oak. Giant. Revered.

And all of them dancing, their limbs whirling in the air, their leaves hushing and shushing my mind.

The wind picked up, twirling my hair into the sky. I grabbed the mass of waves, twisting them into a bun, my fingers sinking into the silky strands as I took my last steps toward the cliff.

He was there. Sitting alone. Just looking down.

I walked to him, past the shrine of dead flowers that our classmates had brought here after Joey’s death, trying not to think about why they were there, snapping in the wind, and put a hand on his shoulder. “Adam, what’s this about?”

“I don’t know anymore, Maggie.” He ducked his head. Shook it from side to side.

I wanted to sit next to him, knew it was the best thing to get him out of this place, but I couldn’t. So I just stood there, my hair whipping into my eyes, wondering what the hell I was supposed to say.

“It’s my fault,” Adam said. “Everything with Joey.”

I sighed. Squeezed his shoulder and let my hand fall away. “Nothing’s your fault, Adam.”

“It is, though. If I’d just told you, none of us would have been here. You and Joey wouldn’t have been on top of this stupid cliff, and he wouldn’t have fallen.” Adam’s words slurred together. He was in worse shape than I’d thought.

“Adam, there’s stuff you don’t know. Stuff that makes this my fault, too.”

Adam looked back at me, his eyes tight. “What are you talking about?”

I shook my head. “I can’t,” I said, my words choking in my throat. I did everything I could to look into Adam’s eyes and at nothing else. Not the treetops that had surrounded Joey and me right before the beads made me understand his betrayal. Not the feeling of my hand yanking out of his. Not the way his eyes had swelled with fear, and sadness, and regret as he lost his balance and pitched over the edge of the cliff.

“Maybe you can’t tell me,” Adam said. “But I should, shouldn’t I? Just like you wanted me to the day of the funeral. When you tried to make that deal where we’d share everything. I need to tell you. All the shit I knew, and how I found out. You deserve to know, Mags.”

I stepped back as he spoke. One step. Two. Three. Because I didn’t want to know. All the details would slice me open again, and I couldn’t face that. Especially not standing up there on that cliff top.

“No!” I said. “I’m not ready. Not for all of that.”

Adam closed his eyes, burying his face in his hands. “I can’t seem to get anything right anymore.”

“You can,” I said. “I want to know. Just not right now. Right now, all I want is for you to stand up and walk down the trail with me. I want you safe, Adam.”

“But I won’t be safe, Maggie. I’m all messed up inside. Besides, tonight I’m supposed to jump. It was an oath sacred to our friendship.” He smiled then, this thin smile that was so sad.

“Adam, you can honor Joey in a different way. Please. Don’t jump off this cliff and leave me standing here all by myself. I can’t face that again.”

It was then that it seemed to register in Adam’s brain. Where he was. Where he’d brought me. The recognition passed across his face like one of the bloated clouds that raced above us.

“Oh, Jesus, Maggie, I—”

“Adam, it’s okay. Please, just—”

“So sorry. I can’t believe I’m such an asshole.” Adam twisted sideways, placing a hand on the dusty ground. He pulled his legs up and swung them around, skidding his feet along the little biting rocks that carpeted the earth.

And then he stood.

Way too fast with all the alcohol, and wind, and emotion.

He started to sway, his arms shooting from his sides, sweeping up and then down.

I didn’t have time to think.

All I could do in the moment was react.

My feet rushed me forward—one step, two, three—and my arms snapped forward, my fingers gripping the front of his shirt. I yanked him into me before I took one single breath. Wrapped my arms around his waist as he fell against my body, his breath hot on my neck.

“Please don’t hate me, Maggie.” Adam’s voice cut out on him, turning into a croaky cry. His shoulders shook, and he tipped his forehead onto mine, his eyes squeezed tight. As he slipped his face into the curve of my neck, I sucked in deep, even breaths to keep myself under control.

Then the rain started, cool drops that made my skin tingle. I focused on each one, hoping they had the power to wash away everything, so we could just start over again.

I smoothed the loose strands of Adam’s hair and he started to quiet down. His tears spilled down my skin, under the neck of my shirt, and into the places that only Joey had explored.

Adam pulled away slowly, looking right in my eyes. He cupped my face in his hands and shook his head. “I am so sorry, Maggie. For everything.”

I nodded, feeling his fingers brush the skin of my jawline. He hesitated for a moment, his eyes focused on mine.

“I know you are.” I sucked in a shaky breath, holding on to him tight. I wouldn’t let him go until we were standing at the bottom of that trail, until we’d crossed over the Jumping Rocks and were safely on the other side. “And I could never hate you.”

“You know we have to talk, right?” Adam raised his eyebrows. The rain was falling harder now, dripping down his face and onto the tangle of our arms and hands.

I nodded.

“I’m here. When you’re ready, you just let me know.”

I nodded again, because I wasn’t sure if I could speak.

Adam ran a hand through his hair, pulling his bangs out of his eyes, and looked around, raindrops falling from his chin and nose. It’s like he was looking for Joey, like he wanted to say one last good-bye. But we’d lost that chance. That moment had passed.

I wrapped an arm around Adam’s waist and tugged him toward the trailhead. He slung his arm over my shoulders, moving slowly, stumbling every few steps. His body was warm, solid, and so very alive. And I’d never been so thankful for anything in my entire life.

22

All the Pieces

“It’s okay, Maggie,” Dr. Guest said in her most gentle tone. “You can tell me.”

So I did. I let it all surge from deep within my chest, an angry storm breaking me open.

Dr. Guest sat still, taking it all in without moving one single inch.

When I was finished, I looked down, afraid of the disappointment I might see in her eyes.

“You’re blaming yourself, aren’t you?” Dr. Guest asked. “For what happened on Memorial Day weekend?”

“How can I not? He died because of me.”

“Joey’s death was a terrible accident, Maggie. It, however, was not your fault.” Dr. Guest raised her eyebrows, waiting for her words to sink in.

“If I’d just kept running. If I’d jumped with him. If—”