One Man's War (19 page)

Although she was going to a physically safe place—if Washington, D.C. could be considered a noncombat zone, Pete thought wryly—he worried about her mental state. He wondered if Tess would have trouble fitting back into society. Would she have what it took to buckle down to a job in the States despite the overwhelming urge to come back here? He was counting on the fact that Tess would honor her contract with the government, no matter what.

With a shake of his head, Pete closed his eyes, assimilating a barrage of guilt and anxiety. In her own way, Tess was going to want to run. He knew of one advisor who, upon returning to the States, had taken off for the Cascade Mountains of Oregon to hide because he couldn't readjust to the “real” world. What would Tess do without support, help or understanding? He wasn't going to be able to be there for her the way he wanted. He had another four months of combat duty to fulfill before they'd rotate him Stateside—if he survived it. And by that time, it could be too late....

A bitter taste filled Pete's mouth as he reopened his eyes and slowly moved out of the shadows of the tents to follow Tess, who had disappeared below the white dunes in the distance. The bottom line was he loved her, and he'd do anything to see her safe. Anything—even resort to this kind of trickery. As he lengthened his stride, Pete wondered if Tess loved him as much as he loved her. Would the months of separation stretching ahead of them change her mind about him?

Settling the utility cap back on his head, Pete laughed at himself. He was acting like a love-blind fool. Instead of looking out for himself and his interests, he'd spent the last three weeks focusing on caring for Tess, getting her to safety and a period of rest. He'd ignored his own selfish needs, setting them aside to help her. His heart began a slow pounding as he crossed the dunes and saw her sitting down by the shore, only a few feet from where the ocean lapped up on the sand. She looked so alone. Abandoned...

Swallowing hard, Pete circled so that Tess could see him coming. She held the orders in her hands, her head bowed. When he was about ten feet away, her head snapped up, her eyes wide.

“Pete!”

He halted about five feet away and smiled uncertainly. “Hi. I was going over to your tent to see you. I heard you'd come in early from the village. I saw you take off for the beach and thought I'd follow. Everything all right?”

The sweet joy of seeing Pete warred with Tess's grief over having to leave Vietnam. His vulnerable smile sent warmth cascading through Tess, thawing some of the freezing cold inhabiting her knotted stomach. Finally, she whispered, “I thought you'd left me.” And then with a painful shrug of her shoulders, Tess murmured, “I'm sorry, you didn't have that coming. I've been hiding, too, in my own way. It's good to see you again.”

“Leave you? Nah,” Pete teased lightly, his heart pounding so hard in his chest he could feel its reverberations. What if Tess told him to get lost? Never to see her again? His vulnerability at his life being in her hands hit him starkly. His throat constricted with fierce emotion, but he fought past the reaction and offered thickly, “Maybe we were both scared, Tess. Maybe we both ran for just a little bit. But look at us. We're here together, aren't we?”

Tess closed her eyes and felt her world cartwheeling out of control. “I—I'm glad you came, Pete. I'm as much at fault as you are for not trying to see you after our fight.”

“I'll take the fall. A man should always come after his woman.”

Tess tried to smile, but it was wobbly. “You and your caveman ideas, Mallory.”

He grinned slightly, his knotted gut easing slightly. “Whether I'm macho or not, you're more important than my pride, Tess.” He took a couple steps closer, suddenly hopeful that their relationship was still intact. “What's in your hand there?”

She waved the orders toward him. “You'll be happy about this.”

“Oh?” Pete came close enough to reach out and take the orders, not sure if she wanted him to sit down next to her.

Glumly, Tess handed him the papers. “Orders for the States. I've got two days to pack and catch a C-130 for Manila.”

Pete pretended to read the orders—but didn't have to pretend how he felt about them. “Mind if I sit down?”

The terrible realization that she'd not see Pete for a long time after she got Stateside ripped through Tess. Patting the sand next to where she sat, she whispered, “I won't bite you, I promise.”

With a slight grin, Pete sat down cross-legged opposite her, their knees nearly touching. Handing back her orders, Pete reached out and caressed her pale cheek. The evening sun's hot rays hit his back, and the reflection of light off the water bathed Tess's strained features. He was genuinely worried about her emotional state.

“I've been in hell since our fight in Saigon,” he admitted huskily. “At first, I was so damned frustrated I didn't want to see you. Then, later—after I cooled down—I missed the hell out of you, Tess. I came over today to see if I couldn't mend some fences.” His voice lowered with pain and indecision. “This is all new to me, this intimacy instead of running. You tell me if we have anything left to work with after that fight.”

Touched, Tess closed her eyes and drew in a ragged breath. She opened them and melted beneath Pete's velvet gaze. “Just because we fight doesn't mean it's the end, Pete.”

“Whew, that's good. It had me scared.”

Tess reached out and gripped his strong, warm hands. It was on the tip of her tongue to whisper just how much she'd come to love him over the past few months. “At least you ran toward me, not away from me this time.”

“So, we got nowhere to go but up? Is that it, honey?” His heart was pounding so hard it felt like a drum caught in the middle of his ribcage. His fingers tightened around Tess's cool, damp hands.

She bowed her head, unable to meet his warm, hopeful eyes filled with so much of how he felt about her. “Right now,” Tess whispered unsteadily, “I feel like I'm in eight or ten disconnected pieces floating around, Pete. One piece of me feels this, another that. It's a weird, uncomfortable state.”

His hands tightened around hers. Pete had to literally stop himself from begging Tess to seek counseling. What good would it do anyway? The medical world didn't recognize what Vietnam was doing to so many who had to stay in this country. “Listen to me,” he whispered fiercely, catching and holding her tear-filled eyes.

“What?”

“When you get Stateside, you've got some R and R coming?”

“Yes. Thirty days.”

“Take it, Tess. Go home to the ranch, stay with Gib and get yourself stabilized.” He lifted his head and glared toward the green ribbon of jungle behind her. “This damn place has squeezed every good emotion you've ever owned out of you. It's been all give and no take for you, Tess. You need to rest in a place where you feel safe...loved.”

His intensity rattled her. “I don't even know if the homestead is where I feel safe, Pete. I—I just feel as if I've become completely disjointed—pulled apart.”

Anguish soared through Pete as he held her confused green gaze. Fear paralleled it, and he swallowed hard. “Look,” he began hoarsely, “these feelings you've got aren't unusual, Tess. Plenty of guys who have been in the bush too long experience the same things. I've got a friend, an advisor, who went back Stateside, couldn't handle society, and has disappeared into the mountains. I don't know what the hell's happened to him, or where he's at. He didn't have family, so he hid, I guess.”

Home.
The word didn't hold the magic it once had as Tess tested it against her muddle of confused emotions. Right now, Pete gave her stability. “Being with you helps me feel better,” Tess admitted.

“What we've got,” Pete told her, his voice cracking, “is good and real, Tess. Nam was the wrong place to meet—the wrong time—but I'm not sorry about it, and I hope you aren't, either.”

She shook her head and held his narrowed gaze. “I'm not sorry, either. Isn't it silly? I feel like a scared little girl inside. I feel safe around you, and now I'm going to lose you, too. I feel like I'm about to shatter, and if I do, I don't think I'll ever be able to pick up the pieces again.”

Alarmed Pete reached out and framed her face. “Listen to me, Tess. No matter how you feel, no matter how bad it gets at times, you just cling to the fact that you're mine. When I get back to the real world in four months, I'm going to come hunting you down in earnest, honey. You're mine. I'm yours. We just need time to explore what we've got under less dangerous circumstances. You hear me?” His heart twinged at the sight of tears streaming down Tess's taut, washed-out features. How badly he wanted to tell her he loved her, but he knew it wasn't the right time. It wouldn't help matters; it probably would confuse Tess even more.

“Y-yes, I hear you....”

“Good. You need someone to help you pack? I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone right now.”

Tess agreed. As Pete helped her to her feet, she moved into his arms. He tightened his embrace, and she moaned softly, her arms going around his waist. She leaned heavily against his strong frame. In Pete's arms, she felt safe, she felt as if she were going to make it.

“I'm so scared, Pete...so scared....”

He kissed her hair, her cheek, and finally her tear-bathed lips with all the tenderness he could find within himself. Her lips parted, and he tasted the salt of her tears. Her sweetness made him tremble, not with longing so much as an incredible realization that he loved her. For the first time in his life Pete understood what it meant to open up his heart, to become vulnerable and share unselfishly with another human being. As he gradually broke contact with her soft, pliant mouth and stared deeply into her dazed, frightened green eyes, he whispered, “I know you are, honey, and together we'll get you through this. I promise.”

As Pete placed his arm around Tess's shoulders and slowly walked her back toward her tent in the distance, a black fear snaked through him. How would Tess cope by herself? Had he helped or hurt her by getting her orders home?
No,
he warned himself savagely,
Tess had to leave Nam, or it would end up killing her.
Right now she was injured emotionally, not dead.

Tess needed a place to heal. If only she would go home to Texas and stay with Gib, it would be the ideal solution. Pete knew Tess would have only thirty days of leave before she had to move to Washington, but it was better than nothing. Mostly, he didn't want to look closely at their having to say goodbye to each other less than forty-eight hours from now. His gut wrenched in agony.

* * *

Tess shivered, the cool predawn dampness chilling her as she stood with Pete in the cavernous confines of the C-130. The air force crew was just about ready to begin the preflight checklist that would take them first to the Philippines, then on to Hawaii, and, at last, to Travis Air Force Base north of San Francisco, their final destination.

“Look, get a lot of sleep on this flight,” Pete urged Tess, his arm around her slumped shoulders. Yesterday, she'd said goodbye to all the people of the three villages. Pete had gotten the time off to be with her, to help her through the wrenching rounds of tears and hugs. He'd given up the idea that the Vietnamese were primitive human beings at best. Tess had changed his mind over the months, and the farewell for Tess had been touching. The exchange of honest emotion hadn't left Pete dry-eyed, either. His arm tightened around Tess.

“I will,” she whispered, and leaned her head tiredly against Pete's shoulder. “I'm going to miss you.”

He groaned. “Honey, I'm going to pine away without you.” Kissing her hair, he added, “But I'm glad you're going, Tess. You need to get out of here and reorient to the real world. I've got your ranch address and the address of your new office in D.C., so I'll be writing.”

Tess nodded, feeling more tired than she could ever remember. “I didn't think my heart could feel any more shredded than it did yesterday when I was telling everyone goodbye,” she admitted softly, looking up into his shadowed face, “but it does now.” Placing her hands on his broad, capable shoulders, Tess forced back a deluge of tears. “Saying goodbye to you is the hardest thing of all, Pete.”

He forced a smile he didn't feel, and leaned down to capture her mouth. Their kiss was hot, passionate and filled with such promise. He felt Tess tremble and lean against him. Breaking the kiss, he whispered hoarsely, “I'll be with you in dreams, Tess, you just remember that. I'll write to you. And don't look so worried—I'll make it out of Nam in one piece.” He blinked back tears that jammed into his eyes. “Hey,” he joked weakly, “I'm the luckiest bastard in the world. I've got you to look forward to coming home to.”

“Hey, Captain,” the loadmaster sergeant called from the front of the aircraft, “we're ready to get this bird off the ground.”

Fear clutched at Pete's heart. His embrace tightened for a moment. “I gotta go, honey.”

Tess struggled to take in a ragged breath. “I shouldn't feel like this, so torn up....”

“Sure you should. You're leaving your guy behind.” Pete smiled uncertainly into her wounded-looking eyes. “Write to me as soon as you get settled. Promise?”

“P-promise...oh, Pete—” Tess threw her arms around him and buried her head against his shoulder.

The words
I love you
barely remained in his mouth. Pete held her hard, squeezing the breath out of her with his embrace. “Take care, honey. I want you well. I want you to rest.” Reluctantly he pulled away, his heart feeling as if it were being torn out of his chest. “I want you waiting for me when I get home. Promise?”

Tears blurred Tess's vision as she clung to Pete's strong, steadying arms. “I—I promise....” Why hadn't he told her he loved her? She could sense Pete holding back. Blindly, Tess moved inside the aircraft. She'd been wrong about Pete, about the love she hoped would spring between them. He'd gotten her into bed, and that was all the further he wanted their relationship to go. Pressing her fist against her lips, Tess struggled not to sob as her world splintered around her.