One Love (8 page)

“
Yeah, well the state
contract should be through in another month or so.”

“
Going smooth for you?”She
kept her hand on his.

“
Just fine. No major kinks
so far, knock on wood,” Alex replied.

“
So if it isn’t work, what
is it?”She gazed at him steadily.

Alex felt a stab of guilt and
anxiety.” Nothing is wrong,” he said.” Not exactly.”

“
You seem more than just
distracted to tell the truth. There’s a distance between us.” Karin
was suddenly quite somber.” Have I done something
wrong?”

“
No.” He hesitated as he
groped for some way to express his feelings.

“
Is it something I haven’t
done?”

“
No, it’s not you.” Alex
stopped short of uttering the cliché that it was him. Still it was
true.

“
I care a lot about you. You
know that.” Karin leaned closer to him.

“
And I care for you, too.”
Alex looked down into eyes glowing with affection. He felt like a
blue ribbon jerk.

Karin pulled back from him.” But we’re
not going to get past being good friends, are we?”

“
You’re a wonderful woman,
Karin.” Alex knew this was a lame response. He just could think of
nothing better to say under the circumstances.

“
I thought giving you space
would lead to. . . Obviously I was wrong.” Karin wore a taut
expression. Anger bubbled just beneath her tone.

“
I never meant to lead you
on.” Alex still felt as though he had, despite the talks they’d had
about not getting serious. Clearly she wanted more, and he had been
blind to it.

“
Sure. We’ve both dated
other people off and on.” Karin got up suddenly.” But didn’t you
notice I never strayed far before I came back?”

“
I’m sorry. I didn’t
think...” Alex stopped short.
What an
understatement, brother!

“
Who is she?”

“
It’s not what you think.”
Alex combed his fingers through his hair.

“
Your ex-wife? Not after all
these years surely.” Karin crossed her arms.

“
No way. She’s got a new man
in her life.”

“
The last few months I
really thought we’d crossed some threshold.” Karin shook her
head.

“
Karin, listen, it’s
nobody’s fault. It’s just I have some issues to work out before I
can get serious with anyone.”

Karin whirled to face him. “Issues?
I’d hoped you could at least be honest.”

“
I’m being as honest as I
can.” Alex hated seeing the wounded look in her eyes.

“
Alex, I saw Lanessa at the
theater when we were in New Orleans two weeks ago. I watched your
face when
you saw her
.” Karin’s voice was low.

“
Okay. But that’s
not--”

“
So I know what ‘issues’
you’re talking about,” she cut him off.” You’re seeing Lanessa
again, admit it.”

“
We never talked about
taking our relationship to a different level.”

“
So you’re seeing
Lanessa?”Karin seemed not to have heard anything else he’d
said.

“
We’re going to have lunch.”
Alex moved away from her. He went to the picture window that faced
onto a lake across from Karin’s house.” Just to talk. I think she
wants to make amends for the past.”

Karin walked over to stand next to
him.” She wants more than one lunch. You’ve got to see through
her.”

“
See through what? Look,
let’s just drop it.” Alex continued to stare into the night. There
was no way to make this conversation go better.

“
So that’s it then,” Karin
murmured.

“
I can’t say for sure what I
feel for Lanessa,” Alex blurted out. He owed it to Karin to tell
her as much of the truth as he knew it.” A lot went down between
us. Most of it bad.”

“
You go to her. But I’ll be
here when she lets you down again.” Karin placed her cheek against
his arm.

He could feel pressure of her touch.
Alex suddenly felt closed in.” It’s late so I’d better go.”
Goodnight.” It was the thing only left to say.

“
I’ll be seeing you.”
Karin’s eyes were over-bright.

When he walked out to his car, he did
not have to glance back. He could feel Karin watching him from the
doorway even as he drove down the street. Alex knew what the rest
of this night would be like- very little sleep and lots of hard
thinking.

***

“
I’m losing my mind. This is
stupid!”Lanessa gazed at herself in the mirror in
disgust.

Three blouses, a pair of pants and a
dress were piled on her queen-sized bed. She could not decide what
to wear today. Having lunch with Alex was not reason to behave like
a mixed-up teenager. Once again she reminded herself it was only a
one-time deal. They would pick over their food, she’d make her
speech and that would be that. Right? The woman that looked back at
her in the mirror did not seem sure. With a loud groan, she
snatched up the white cotton blouse.

“
I’m not going to do this!”
she said out loud.

Lanessa willed her mind blank as she
put on her clothes. She settled on a red straight skirt just above
the knee, her while blouse and the red jacket that matched the
skirt. Just as determined to keep her wits, she drove to the
office. Then her mind stopped cooperating. Lanessa kept darting
glances at the digital clock. Would those numbers ever move? The
hours dragged until eleven-thirty. Then in a rollercoaster like
reversal, she wanted more time. In thirty minutes she would be face
to face with Alex St. Romaine. All the horrible things she’d ever
said or done to hurt him came back. He would probably let her have
it. Lanessa felt as though she deserved to hear all the anger. Yet
the thought of seeing revulsion and anger in those eyes left her
cold with dread. The clock jumped forward to eleven-forty. Time to
go or she’d be late.

The City Cafe was located in an old
building that had been a drug store in downtown Baton Rouge for
over seventy years. Now it was modern restaurant that played
classic soul, rock and blues through the speaker system. Lanessa
used the walk from the public parking lot three blocks away to
bolster her courage. A glance at her watch told her she was five
minutes late. When she walked in, Alex waved to her from across the
room.

“
I hope you haven’t been
waiting long,” Lanessa said.

”
Not really. I got here
before twelve to make sure to beat the crowd.” Alex pulled out a
chair for her.

“
This place has great
hamburgers.” Lanessa took off her sunglasses and picked up a menu.”
And onion rings that melt in your mouth.”

“
I know. Not that eating
more fried foods is what I need,” Alex said with a
laugh.

Lanessa glanced at him when she was
sure his attention was on the menu. From what she saw Alex was in
great shape. His body had the tone of a man who exercised and ate
right. Strong, broad shoulders and muscular arms were evident
beneath the light blue jacket he wore. The old Lanessa would have
boldly commented that he was looking real good.

“
Yeah, well I’ll behave and
have a salad.” Lanessa spoke in a light tone that did not reflect
the nervousness she felt. The waitress came and they
ordered.
Now what? Can’t chatter about
ordering. The moment of truth is at hand.
Mentally she took a deep breath.

“
Alex, I.” Lanessa
began.

“
Lanessa...” Alex began at
the same time. He stopped short.” I didn’t mean to cut you
off.”

“
No, no, you go ahead.”
Lanessa took a sip of water.
Coward!

”
I’m really glad you
suggested we get together.” Alex stared down at the Formica
tabletop.” I said things to you three years ago that have bothered
me ever since.”

“
No, you don’t have anything
to explain,” Lanessa broke in before he could continue. She leaned
forward.” What you said was true. I was no good for
anyone.”

“
I’m not trying to be a
martyr. You did make mistakes.” Alex paused for a few moments.” But
I spoke in anger and didn’t mean half of what I said.”

“
Mistakes are an
understatement.” Lanessa felt no hesitation now. This was what her
recovery was all about.” I was selfish. I told lies and made
excuses for hurting you.”

“
The truth is I enjoyed
having guys groan with envy when I walked in with you on my arm.”
Alex glanced at her then away.” It cut both ways.”

“
No, Alex, it wasn’t the
same at all. You really cared about me. What I cared about was
image, social position and getting my way.” Lanessa would not let
him give her an out.

”
Even when you were laughing
back then, there was a kind of nervous tension. It was like you
were always too wound up to really enjoy anything.” Alex leaned
forward until their faces were on inches apart.” Are you really
happier now?”

“
You mean am I still
drinking and popping pills.” Lanessa wore a sad smile. After the
mountain of broken promises, this was always a hidden question from
those she’d burned before.

“
I didn’t mean that,
really.” Alex glanced down.” But you can’t have one and have the
other, drugs and happiness I mean.”

“
I did finally figure that
one out. But I couldn’t quit alone.”

Lanessa thought of the intense,
excruciating craving that consumed her. Detox had been pure hell.
Then there were the days of hating everyone and everything. The
world was cold and ugly without that fuzzy haze of a constant high.
Reality bit and bit hard.

“
But you did it.” Alex gazed
at her intently.

There was the hint that this was a
question he needed answered. Lanessa nodded.” Yes. I did. Actually
I’m still recovering every day.”

“
Good for you.”

Lanessa shook her head slowly.” You
had every right to be angry. Telling you I’m sorry seems so
inadequate. But it’s all I have. I’m sorry for all the times I hurt
you,” she said in a soft voice. Tears formed in her eyes making her
look away until she collected herself.

For a long time neither spoke. The
voices of other diners around them seemed a distant buzz. Lanessa
felt no release from having said the words. Without that pleasant
numbness that substance abuse provided, the sharp lines of real
life cut. Disturbing images of what she’d been crowded her mind.
This was what mad recovery so hard. It was one of the reasons so
many alcoholics relapsed under the terrible stress.

“
I forgave you a long time
ago. I didn’t want to carry around bitterness and anger.” Alex
said.” But thanks so much for saying the words anyway.”

Lanessa sniffed. She reached for a
paper napkin and dabbed at her eyes.” Look at this. I’m making a
fool of myself. Not to mention ruining my make up.”

An embarrassed silence stretched
between them. The waitress came and removed the plates of almost
untouched food. Most of the working crowd drifted out reluctantly
back to their offices.

“
So where do we go from
here?” Alex said.

The questioned startled Lanessa.
“Nowhere. I mean we can at least part on better terms this
time.”

“
Friends?”

“
I don’t expect us to be
pals, Alex. I’m sober, remember?” she said with a short anxious
laugh.” Relax; I’m not trying to... start anything. We can both go
on with our lives.”

“
Fine, we can move on now.”
Alex tapped the tabletop with his forefinger.” But I don’t see why
we can’t be friends. Even see each other... as friends.”

“
Now I’m beginning to wonder
what
you’re
on,”
Lanessa wisecracked.” You and me together was an accident waiting
to happen.”

“
We’re both coming from a
different place now.” Alex took a deep breath then let it
out.

“
You want to be
friends?”Lanessa’s heart rebelled at the notion. Deep down she knew
her body and soul needed more of him than friendship.” It’s not
going to work.”

“
There are still a lot of
questions I want to ask,” Alex blurted out.” Isn’t making amends
part of personal recovery?”

”
Well yes,” Lanessa
admitted. She raised her eyebrows.” Wait a minute; you’ve been
studying up on Twelve Steps.”

“
I did a lot of reading
about addiction and the program you were in,” Alex said.” I wanted
to understand you and me, too.”

“
I never knew that.” Lanessa
stared at him in surprise.

Alex looked at her with a sheepish
grin.” So I didn’t cut the ties quite as cleanly as it
seemed.”

“
Just proves even more that
you’re a good man.” Lanessa swallowed hard. She blinked hard to
keep tears from threatening again.

“
Don’t give me too much
credit. I was feeling guilty for being so hard on you. You realize
this is the first time I’ve been with you when you weren’t
drinking?”