One Door Closes (15 page)

“My—” He glanced at Danny. “Our mother did amazing things for us. We’re thinking about picking up where she left off.”

Maureen’s eyebrows rose. “Fostering?”

Calvin hesitated. “Again, I’m new to this. Can we get together at some point? Discuss the entire prospect?”

“Yeah, all right.” The approval on her face was unmistakable. “Look, I knew Audrey. And you’re right, she did amazing things. Helped a lot of people. It’s a huge amount of work, but it would obviously be worth the effort.”

“And then some.”

She smiled at him.

Eventually, Calvin stepped back. “Thank you. Again. You have my number?”

She patted her cell phone where it sat on the desk. “In terms of the group, I want you to know you don’t need to worry about anything from my end.”

“Good,” Danny said before Calvin could answer. His face had colored over the cheekbones, but his stare was direct.

Maureen gave him a slow nod. “It’s nice to meet you, Danny.”

“Likewise.”

“Maybe you can bring your other brother by sometime.”

Calvin nodded too. “I’ll ask him.”

* * *

“
You never told me you were in love.
” She smiles, but it’s wistful, endlessly older.

Calvin drops his eyes and notices she’s wearing everyday green flats. “
I
wasn’t.
Not really.
”

“
I
think we gain different ideas of what love is
,
as we grow.
”

He can’t bring himself to agree, can’t bring himself to quash that hope either. Easier to deal in facts, if he could just set them to words. “
I
want you to leave him alone.
”

“
Calvin
,
I’m so sorry.
I
didn’t mean to hurt him.
I
just...
” She lifts her hands and drops them back into her lap. “
Just wanted to talk to him.
”

“
I
know.
”

She bumps him with her shoulder, more a lean than a nudge. He wills the heat down as it rises into his throat.

“
What happened between you
,
baby?
” she asks.

“
He wanted...
We did a little that night.
Started.
”

“
And was that all right with you?
”

Calvin shrugs. “
More or less.
”

She looks unspeakably sad. “
Less
,
then
.”

Misery crawls into his guts. “
You know how I was
.”

“
And that was okay.
” She rests her hand on his arm. “
All right?
”

“
It doesn’t feel okay.
” It didn’t then either. It felt like being a freak. A teenager who didn’t want to get off with someone, anyone, let alone his boyfriend. “
It was...
” He turns until he can’t possibly meet her gaze. “
Whole idea was gross.
”

“
Like kissing.
”

His eyes snap back. “
I
didn’t think kissing was gross!
”

But she’s nodding. “
You did.
For a while.
”

He did. Part of him still shudders away from the idea, down in some vestigial place. But it’s been overridden lately, bowled off its legs by the desire to hook his fingers through Will’s bracelet and pull him close and...

And.

“
Anything more made me sick to my stomach.
” He inhales deeply, and she doesn’t say a thing. “
Not supposed to make you feel like that if it’s the right thing.
”

“
It has a lot to do with what you’re ready for.
If you’re not...
”

“
I’m a freak
,” he says before he can bowl that over, too, and she scoots closer, hands raised, shushing.

“
You are not.
No one ever gets to say that about my boys.
Not even one of them.
” Her fingers slide cool over his cheeks, cupping close. “
Calvin.
Don’t.
”

He’s so old. What does it make him, if not a freak? If not unusual at the very least? The sensation of wrongness has faded with his teenage years, the keen interest slinking into its place as simply as if it’s always been there. But some days he feels like it’ll never happen, he’ll never reach that space dwindling off in the distance, no matter how he strides for it. He’ll wake up twenty years from now still stretching with one hand behind as he tries to look ahead, lead his life with the other.

“
Had my chance
,
didn’t I?
” He can barely get sound out, let alone words. The thinness of his voice settles on his skin like vapor.

“
Stop.
” Her quick squeeze clears the clamminess from his flesh, replacing it with a growing warmth. “
It’s not about that
,
baby.
It’s about you
,
what’s right for you.
And that’s all.
”

On a good day, he knows she’s right. He can remember that certainty. But today is not a good day, and his exhalation is far too brittle, too close to a sob.

“
They aren’t you
,” she says. Her dark eyes are wide. “
Devon.
He’s not you.
And Danny is not you.
Please
,
please stop comparing yourself to them
,
because let me tell you
,
the way they are comparing themselves to you is the exact opposite of what you’re thinking.
”

“
They compare themselves to me?
”

She looks sadder than ever. “
Of course.
” Brushes her fingers down the length of his arm. “
Calvin
,
of course they do.
”

He can’t get his impressions of them to synch with this. “
Why?
”

“
You understand stability.
They wonder if they could have done something different with their lives
,
with themselves
,
to find that.
”

“
You mean they
—”

“
Aren’t you doing the same thing?
Wondering if you should have had sex earlier
,
if maybe
,
had you done that
,
you wouldn’t be whatever horrible thing you think you are?
”

“
How early did they...
” He gestures and she catches his hand.

“
Devon when he was sixteen.
Danny...
” She sighs. “
Even younger.
”

“
God.
” Calvin rubs his face. “
Do they know I haven’t?
At all?
”

“
They think you haven’t done as much as they have.
” She draws his hand away from his forehead. “
But either way
,
it doesn’t define you.
Whether you do it—whether you don’t
,
when or where.
The only thing that might have something to do with that is the who
—” and she smiles a little, “
—but you know I’ve always wanted you to make well-considered decisions.
I’m biased that way.
”

Calvin exhales hard, but she stops him again. “
Honey
,
even that would be okay.
You have to do what’s right for you.
Regardless of who it is.
It could be a one-night stand and that would be fine.
Though I don’t think that would work in your best interests.
”

“
I
think I led him on.
”

“
Honey—
”

“
No.
Mom
,
I
climbed into his lap.
I
had my—my hand on his...
And he...
” He cannot say this aloud to her.

“
What happened after that?
”

He rubs his face again, wants to scrub it right off. “
I
don’t even know.
We were—kissing.
And then I just...
” He can see it in his mind like a movie. “
I
left.
”

Couldn’t handle it, couldn’t feel anything but that wretched fist in his chest, squeezing everything else out. Where had the shame even come from? He barely knew his birthparents long enough to recognize their faces, let alone be molded by any beliefs they may have had. Certainly it didn’t come from Audrey. All he could think that night was that he was on the spiny cusp of some change, one that would warp his reflection in the mirror and bleed into his dreams at night, and not allow him to look Will in the eye ever again.

Above all, the awkwardness, the sheer discomfort. What would they talk about but that? What would Will ever be interested in again except that?

“
Did he go after you?
”

“
Not then.
The next day he did.
We got in a big fight
,
by the side door at school.
” He doesn’t want to think about the words spoken that day, chased by the opaque fog of breath, or how he can still hear the exact tone of Will’s voice as he said them. He doesn’t recall exactly what he said back, but he remembers the resulting expression on Will’s face. He remembers that in spite of everything, he couldn’t keep from staring at Will’s mouth and thinking of how hard, how messily, he’d kissed it just the night before.

For several years, it has held in his mind as the best and simultaneously the worst kiss of his life.

“
He really wanted it.
I
don’t know if I—maybe just to shut him up.
” He sees each word like a script running before his eyes. “
Something feels right
,
except part of you knows you’re just jumping over it before it grabs onto you
,
and then it barrels right over your back anyway.
And you can’t figure out why you didn’t see it turning out this way.
”

She studies him with that tight little pinch above her nose. “
Honey
,
if you didn’t want it—
”

“
How could I not want it?
He was my boyfriend.
Of course I—I
mean
,
I
wanted him.
I
always wanted him.
But I didn’t want that.
Yet.
” He gets up, anxious for space. “
It’s over.
Why are you pressing this?
”

“
I
wouldn’t
,
if I didn’t know you still have some strong feelings for him.
”

He wants Will. It’s radiant, torrential in his blood compared to the way he wanted him before. The fear is not completely gone, but it is completely changed. There’s a violent thread of upheaval to it that he doesn’t recognize. And it’s older, heavy with so many more years behind it. But he can’t see a path back through the morass, just a slew of sucking holes if he missteps.

“
He’s beautiful
,
Mom.
” Simple, because it’s the truth. “
He’s grown up so gorgeous.
” Will went through the years with a checklist and systematically filled in spaces, fortified everything that might have been a chink, and now he’s the person who should have slipped into Calvin’s sights back then, and stayed.

But of course, back then Calvin wouldn’t have known what to do with someone like that, who knew exactly how to step around him, who didn’t try to be what he thought Calvin wanted. Someone who was just himself.

Calvin presses the heel of his hand to his forehead, pushing back the weight of years. “
It doesn’t matter.
Our shot’s gone.
”

Her laugh is surprising, her spine snapping straight as she rocks back, tilting her face to the ceiling. For the first time ever, Calvin feels mocked in her presence. But then her smile returns, as tender as he remembers. She touches his face as if she can’t help herself, and Calvin ducks his head.

“
I
screwed something up.
” He’s not sure what, just that the distance now is not all his doing, that Will looks at him and, instead of desire, something painful burns in those green eyes, and neither of them can wait to look away. The thought that another chance is exactly what Will is here for flails against Calvin’s doubts.

He justifies, even as he capitulates. “
I’m not the only one keeping my distance.
” Hell, the only time Will hasn’t pulled back is the day he first showed up.

“
You two do have a lot of complicated history.
”

“
Oh...Mom
.” He feels like a fucking idiot. Can’t even keep his eyes open because she might see it.

“
What is it?
”

He hasn’t truly looked at it. If he does, he’ll have to act. The only thing Will is interested in here is him. The house, his brothers, the job itself... It has all circled around him from the beginning. Will nudges in, glances off and comes back. Never stops, never just walks away. He’s doing it all with only a guttering flicker of hope, and that knowledge breaks Calvin’s heart.

What must he have already done, unknowingly, to snuff that light?

“
I
thought I’d changed
,” he says slowly. He’s walked about blindly, only willing to see the confines of his own sphere. He’s noted every one of Will’s actions without considering why Will might have a reason to act. “
I’m still terrified.
”

“
Of him?
”

“
No.
I’m not afraid of Will.
”