One and Only (29 page)

If my mother had wanted a life with Neal, it wouldn't have been the life of driving frantically around San Francisco looking for kicks, and it wouldn't have been the life Neal had later with Kesey and all those hippies taking acid on the bus. If Lu Anne could have had
her dearest wish, Neal would have gone to college, he would have become the writer that he wanted to be. He wouldn't have become the Merry Prankster. If they had stayed together, this would not be the story.

That was Lu Anne's great sadness, that Neal didn't become everything she thought he could be, and that she didn't become everything she thought she could be with him. There was a song Barbra Streisand sang, an adaptation of Johnny Ashcroft's “Little Boy Lost,” that hit my mom very hard when she heard it. That song was very profound for her, because the words were exactly what she felt for Neal. It went something like “Little boy lost / in search of little boy found / You go on wondering, wandering… / Why are you blind / to all you never were / really are / nearly are….” The song was about a boy, or it could be a man, who keeps searching for something that is really close by, but he never realizes it, and keeps wandering farther and farther from those things which are really most important to him.

My mom felt that Neal remained the Little Boy Lost, that he was never done traveling and “always unraveling,” as the song says. For Lu Anne, that song was talking about how, after Jack's book came out, Neal was stuck in the role of the guy searching on the road, and he couldn't get beyond it. My mother told me that she and Neal were looking forward to everything in the early days. Everything was a possibility then—going to New York, becoming a writer. Neal was reaching for something better, and then somehow he got sidetracked. She said if she ever wrote the book about Neal, she would call it “Little Boy Lost
.
”

The loss of Neal for Lu Anne wasn't like a daily loss, like the loss of someone who's been with you every day. They didn't interact that much during the later years of their lives. But it was the loss of youth, and the dream of youth, and the possibility of youth. When
she lost Neal, all her youthful dreams were shut down. The future had been something that seemed open to her, and suddenly it was finalized—it was over. My mother wasn't visibly affected by his death—I mean, you didn't necessarily know by looking at her how much she was affected by it. But I'm sure that emotionally it affected her very much. Over the years, she talked about how he died too young, but the thing that bothered her the most was that he died
sad.
Their youth, their dream, was gone.

It's why when she was alone, when she was sick, she still needed contact with Neal. A lot of the time, he was hurting and lonely too. They reached out for each other at those times. When they were hurting and lonely, they would seek each other out. Even though they both had separate lives, in those moments when life was the hardest, they always reached out for that one other person they felt really knew them, understood them, and could comfort them. For Neal, it was always Lu Anne. And for Lu Anne, it was always Neal Cassady.

 

GERALD NICOSIA
is a biographer, historian, poet, playwright, and novelist whose work has been closely associated with the Beat Movement as well as the 1960s. He came to prominence with the publication of
Memory Babe: A Critical Biography of Jack Kerouac
in 1983, a book that earned him the Distinguished Young Writer Award from the National Society of Arts and Letters while it was still a work in progress. It was highly praised by writers as diverse as John Rechy, Irving Stone, Bruce Cook, and Allen Ginsberg, who called it a “great book.” Nicosia spent several decades in the Chicago and San Francisco literary scenes, making a name for himself as both a post-Beat poet and an organizer of marathon literary events, often in conjunction with the San Francisco Public Library and the Friends of the Library. He has been involved in several video and film projects, including the public television documentary
West Coast: Beat and Beyond
, directed by Chris
Felver, and the movie version of
On the Road,
directed by Walter Salles.

A lifelong friend of peace activist Ron Kovic, Nicosia spent decades studying, working with, and writing about Vietnam veterans in their long process of healing from that war. His definitive work on that subject,
Home to War: A History of the Vietnam Veterans' Movement,
was picked by the
Los Angeles Times
as one of the “Best Books of 2001,” and has been praised by notable Vietnam veterans like John Kerry and Oliver Stone and also by veterans of America's later wars, such as Anthony Swofford, author of
Jarhead,
and leaders of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans Against the War. He has taught Beat literature, the Sixties, and the Vietnam War literally around the world, including in China. His experiences in China, where he adopted his daughter Amy (Wu Ji), have found their way into a forthcoming book of poetry,
The China Poems.
He is also working on a book about racism and the death penalty in America,
Blackness Through the Land
, as well as a biography of Ntozake Shange titled
Beautiful, Colored, and Alive
, which will be published by St. Martin's Press.

ANNE MARIE SANTOS
is the daughter of Lu Anne Henderson. She splits her time between Smithfield, Virginia, and San Francisco.

Viva Editions publishes books that inform, enlighten, and entertain. We do our best to bring you, the reader, quality books that celebrate life, inspire the mind, revive the spirit, and enhance lives all around. Our authors are practical visionaries: people who offer deep wisdom in a hopeful and helpful manner. Viva was launched with an attitude of growth and we want to spread our joy and offer our support and advice where we can to help you live the Viva way: vivaciously!

We're grateful for all our readers and want to keep bringing you books for inspired living. We invite you to write to us with your comments and suggestions, and what you'd like to see more of. You can also sign up for our online newsletter to learn about new titles, author events, and special offers.

 

Viva Editions
2246 Sixth St.
Berkeley, CA 94710
www.vivaeditions.com
(800) 780-2279
Follow us on Twitter @vivaeditions
Friend/fan us on Facebook