One (15 page)

“
She gave me some shit about needing more experience and exposure. She said I should be patient and wait until I graduated. She must be on crack. Why would I want to work in a place like this once I have my degree?”

My attention was drawn by Christine who was still searching the bins. We had only spent time together when Jonathan was there. I really did not know much about her, but there was something I liked about her.

“
Whatever. Who cares about this job anyway? It’s just something to do while we’re in school. It doesn’t matter.” I responded.

It was almost a role-reversal with me not caring and him caring too much.

“
I care, Timothy. And it matters to me. It’s the principle. I’ve been here two years now. I deserved it.”

Jonathan had to fight for everything he has ever wanted. Being friends with me did not help. I did better than him in school and we always were financially better off, specifically once my father received his promotion. When Jonathan felt he deserved something he would not be denied, it was something I liked about him.

“
Fine, if it’s that important to you then go back there and stand up to her. The worse that can happen is she fires you and if she does that then I’ll quit to. You know I only started working here to hang with you.”

Jonathan looked back toward the manager’s office. I could see he was still upset. He was contemplating his next move, going through the variables. I knew the look because it was the same I have.

“
Anyway, about Christine…” I began.

I was interrupted by an older woman carrying a full basket of items who approached my counter. I wanted to talk to Jonathan about Christine, ask him if he was going to make a move or not. Even while checking out the ladies items I could not stop looking at her. She was stunning from her dark crimson hair and forest green eyes to her athletic shape and defined features.

It was more than just her physical attributes. In the passing conversations we had I knew she was highly intelligent and while she was emotional, she was also a rational woman. Sometimes we would debate on a subject and end up talking for hours. For me a person who you are willing to spend time with even if you were locked away trapped in the dark is the kind of person who would be able to stand with you throughout your life.

Halfway through checking out the old woman’s items I saw Christine walk over toward Jonathan’s station. Still leaning over in deep thought he did not look like he wanted to be bothered. I wanted to call out to her, tell her to come over to me, but I did not do that. Instead I watched and listened.

“
Hey, Jonathan didn’t see you when I came in. Maybe you can help me with something. Lola told me she found The Departed on DVD in the bargain bin at the Walgreens on Clark Street. I didn’t believe her until she showed me. It had the sticker and everything. Anyway, I checked in yours here and didn’t find it. Do you know if you guys have it somewhere?”

Christine liked Jonathan but as I said she was a rational woman. There were issues in Jonathan’s life dealing with relationships and although I never spoke to her about them and neither did he, she could feel it when talking and interacting with him. She was willing to be friends and wait if something was ever to happen.

“
If it’s not in the bin then we don’t have it.”

His response was cold. Not even lifting his head to acknowledge her she quickly picked up that something was wrong. To have someone care for you when you could care less is rare.

“
Do you guys perhaps have it in the back or behind the counter or something?”

One of the many bad habits Jonathan and I would share was ignoring people once we felt we had given our answer. To continue to reiterate and clarify was pointless. Unfortunately, this usually caused more issues because the person or persons we did this to would only ask more questions.

“
What’s wrong with you, Jonathan? Why are you ignoring me? I’m just asking you…”

“
Leave me alone! I told you we don’t have it! What part of that do you not understand? I don’t have time for you!”

Jonathan’s temper came from his father and his contempt for things that aggravated him. While for the most part I kept my anger contained, he was known to explode in an instant and by the time he released what he had done and wished to apologize it was too late.

Christine stood in shock staring ahead as Jonathan stormed off toward the back of the store. I could see she was hurt, not so much because of his anger, but because I think she realized that Jonathan really would not be able or willing to make time for her.

I handed the old woman her bag and stood for a few seconds looking at Christine. There were so few women that I respected and could see myself actually creating something with. To have her stand there hurt over someone who would never be her equal.

“
Christine, he didn’t mean that. It’s just been a bad day for him, that’s all.” I said.

I did not believe that Jonathan was not worthy of Christine, that is just childish, but he was not ready for a relationship, that I knew. I only wanted to preserve the friendship we all had. It was not my intention to hurt him.

“
A bad day? More like a bad year! He’s been so quick to get angry for a while now. I don’t understand what happened. I thought that when you and he made up things would get better, but I guess not.”

What she did not know was that Jonathan would reveal a lot of information about himself in order to keep in what he really did not want people to know. It was a tactic he learned from me. People so often pretend they care about what’s going on in your life when truly they do not. I would never tell her about his father’s illness and growing financial problems. Even with me he would only share the tiniest of information, just enough so I would not ask further questions.

“
Listen, I have ‘The Departed’ on DVD at home. If you want I can bring it with me to work tomorrow. You can borrow it as long as you… oh wait, I forgot. I’m off tomorrow. I could bring it to work on Monday if that’s okay?”

“
I really wanted to watch it today. What are you doing tonight?”

My eyes gazed over to Jonathan’s checkout station. That moment reminded me of being in a car driving out of control toward the intersection. I could see it coming, but could not do anything about it. No, that was not true. There was something I could have done, not get in the car.

“
I’m…not doing anything. If you want you could come over to my place. My dad just bought a plasma television. We can break it in with a movie.”

She smiled at me and for a moment I had no other thoughts in my mind. Whatever my hesitations were before, right there, right then, everything felt right.

“
That sounds great. What time to do you get off?”

“
Nine.”

There was one time Christine and I were alone together. Jonathan had cut himself working on his car. We rushed to the hospital and waited for hours in the emergency room. That was the first time we talked about our feelings, mostly about our relationship with Jonathan. I believe it was then that I knew I wanted her and as she walked toward the exit I knew that my actions would lead to the end of Jonathan’s and my friendship.

“
Alright then, nine o’clock, your place. I’ll see you there.”

Seeing Jonathan return to his station out the corner of my eye I turned to him just as Christine walked out the door. He was smiling from ear to ear his eyes bright and happy. There was nothing I could do, but stare at him.

“
You were right, Timothy. What you said worked as usual. I went in there and confronted her, told her I deserved the raise and promotion and she gave it to me.”

I use to wish that life was like a ‘Choose your own adventure book’ where when you came upon defining moments in your life where your actions could lead you to one place or another you could flip to the pages for each decision and see the outcome so you could make the right choice. There was something I could have done at that moment. I could have done what we had always done when something difficult was before us. We could have worked it out as two rational people and saved the friendship. I did not do that.

“
That’s good. I knew you would get it.”

“
You always come through man. You’re a good friend.”

I watched his smile fade as he looked around the store for any sign of Christine. Looking back at me my final chance to fix everything was upon me.

“
Damn, she left. Shit, I know I pissed her off again. I didn’t mean to it was just… did she say anything to you?”

“
No. She just… she just left.”

My pause went unnoticed. I was very good at hiding what was inside of me. If one can suppress and hide their feelings then they can truly lie without being discovered. Not a skill to be proud of to be sure, but nevertheless a skill. Where was my rational thought at that moment? I do not have an answer for that. What I made was an emotional mistake that cost me dearly.

“
That’s just great! I’m going to have to call her and make up for this. I swear it’s too much trouble some times. I was going to ask her out after I got the promotion, now I’m going to have to fix this first. Anyway, I’m off shift, going to go home and shower. You want to catch a movie after your shift?”

“
I can’t. I have… family stuff, maybe tomorrow.”

Watching him nod toward me as he walked away from the counter I expected to get caught right away. Christine did not tell him where she was that night and we agreed to keep our relationship from him for several weeks. Jonathan was not stupid and soon found out. In the end he was more upset because of our lies and keeping it from him than anything else. What he knew and I knew that killed him inside was that when it came the time for me to prevent all this I did not. I allowed him to walk out thinking he could trust me. Worse than that, was what I never told him, that it was not as much of a struggle as it might have seemed. I accepted that I was putting an end to our friendship and honestly at that time, I did not care.

The lights in the store went dark breaking me from my thoughts. Only a few emergency lights remained lit. I grabbed my backpack, pushed open the sliding doors and stepped out onto the sidewalk. For several blocks there was nothing but darkness. I could not even see the moon. The skies were thick with black smoke and the only light came from the fires illuminating the street with an eerie hellish glow. Tying a piece of cloth around my nose and mouth I started my bike and headed toward home.

Echoes

When you are completely occupied with waking from a nightmare it is easy to miss the potential meaning for having it in the first place. My Aunt Jackie believed that all dreams, nightmares included, had a meaning. When I asked her what the meaning of her nightmares were she just looked at me like when you ask someone about a deceased loved one. She never gave me an answer and I never found a reason for my nightmares. One would believe that once a nightmare ends you have found your answer, but perhaps you are still trapped in the nightmare and do not even know it.

It would be cliché to say that my ride down North Avenue toward my house was like driving through hell, or a place worse than hell. The mixture of the dark, smoke and automatic headlights of the vehicles that still had power made the area known as old town look like it was recently hit by a nuclear bomb.

It was windy and cold, the debris from the numerous accidents and dropped items blew across the street. The fire from the park was much larger than I realized and was spreading toward my neighborhood. Several of the cars that had crashed into one another and were still running also caught on fire. At the intersection of Clark Street and North Avenue the pile up of cars caught on fire resulting in an explosion that blew out all the windows of North Shore Bank and the small restaurant across the street.

The blackout extended toward my neighborhood, with the street lights also dark and the thickening smoke I had to drive slowly toward my building. I pulled into the garage, quickly parked and ran into the lobby. It felt as if I have not been there forever. The lobby was just as cold if not colder than outside. The blackout extended to my building, not even the emergency lights were functioning. I turned toward the stairs and realized it would be a long trip up to my floor.

Hearing the stairwell door slam behind me reminded me of my fear of the dark as a child. It was almost funny. As I climbed the stairs using my flashlight I could not help but think of the fact that while I was once terrified of the dark and being alone in it I grew to love being in the dark and being alone. Now there I was climbing the steps surrounded by darkness and completely alone and while I did not admit it at the time I was frightened.

Even stranger was the type of fear I had deep inside, as a child when the lights are turned off a youthful imagination can sculpt the shadows into terrifying images. In essence I was scaring myself. It was not anything supernatural. I felt even a human touch, grabbing at me in the dark without my knowledge or consent. To be afraid of that when all I wanted was to find someone is laughable and sad at the same time.