Once Upon A Winter (21 page)

Daniel groggily opened one eye to peer at his alarm clock. 8.34 a.m.. His taxi had dropped him off in the small hours. ‘Knackered’ wasn’t a strong enough word to describe how he felt. His journey home had taken half a day longer than anticipated. The plane he’d been due to fly back on had been delayed in England, before it had even got to Italy, because of fog or ice or some other inconvenient type of weather. Daniel wasn’t in the mood for anything other than sleep. But someone wouldn’t stop banging on his front door.

‘Crap.’ He sat up with a groan and rubbed his hands over his face. His jaw felt like sandpaper.

Staggering the short distance from his bed to the hall, and then three paces to the door, he dimly registered he was wearing a T-shirt and boxers. He was at least decent. But it was bloody cold. His heating was still switched off and there would probably be no hot water.

He tugged open the front door, squinting in the daylight, even though it was a gloomy, drizzly morning.

Before he could take in anything properly, someone had leapt on him and was kissing him firmly on the mouth. Arms wrapped themselves around him, and a warm, soft body pressed against his.

‘Whoa . . .’ Daniel extricated himself, blinking down in surprise at a flushed, resolute looking Nell. He gripped her dazedly by the shoulders, her coat damp from the light, misty rain. ‘That’s quite a greeting for first thing in the morning,’ he announced, still husky from sleep. ‘It should come with some sort of health warning.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘No -’ he shook his head ‘- don’t be. It’s nice being taken by surprise like that. Here, let’s get this door shut. Come on through. You might want to keep your coat on for a while, though, it’s bloody freezing in here. Let me get the heating on . . .’ Still unsteady on his feet, he ushered her into the living room, then went to switch on the boiler and
shrug on a sweatshirt, before checking in on Nell. ‘Do you want a brew?’

‘A coffee would be nice.’ She was huddled on the sofa, shivering.

‘Back in a mo then.’

He returned with two steaming mugs. Nell slid a couple of coasters across the coffee table towards him, then shuffled along the sofa, making room.

Still fighting off the last trace of grogginess, Daniel grinned and took Nell’s hand. It felt ice-cold in his. He wanted nothing more than to put his arm around her and let her snuggle into his shoulder, but something made him hesitate, not just the fact he needed a shower. ‘It’s good to see you,’ he said. ‘And it seems that maybe you missed me a little . . .’

‘I missed you a lot.’ She was
smiling almost manically as she squeezed his hand.

‘Your texts weren’t quite this . . . ebullient,’ Daniel broached. ‘You seem different now.’

‘Sorry . . . I’m not good with texts. I never know what to say. I thought about calling you once or twice, but . . . I didn’t want to intrude.’

‘Intrude?’ Daniel shook his head. ‘You wouldn’t have. It would have been good. I wanted to call you, too, but . . . I don’t know, your messages were a bit reserved. I think I was afraid to actually ring you. I was worried I might not like what I heard.’

‘Oh?’ Nell leaned towards him, taking his other hand.

‘Well, out of sight, out of mind.’ He shrugged. ‘Your feelings might have altered. I mean, not that you have feelings for me yet like
that
, but the fact that we more or less agreed that we were going to try to make some sort of go at this, taking it slowly, of course . . . Anyway,’ he heaved a sigh, ‘I thought you might have changed your mind.’

An odd smile crowded her face. ‘My feelings did change,’ she murmured. ‘I realised how much I was missing you.’

‘You did?’ Daniel gazed at her raptly. He smoothed back her damp hair, still covered in tiny beads from the drizzle. The temperature in the Annexe seemed to have shot up all of a sudden. Although now that he had the luxury of studying her up close, her eyes were glittery and peculiar; the dark circles beneath them clashed with the pallor of her skin. ‘You don’t look a hundred per cent.’ He was instantly concerned. ‘You said in your texts you’d had a cold . . .’

‘
Just a sniffle, nothing major.’ Her smile dropped a little. ‘I was awake when I heard your taxi come back last night. I haven’t been sleeping well.’

‘Forgetting to take your vitamins?’ he teased
.

‘Something like that . . . I’m sorry if I woke you just now. I should have realised you’d be shattered. It’s just . . . I couldn’t wait to see you.’

‘It’s OK.’ He stroked her cheek with the pad of his thumb. ‘You’re forgiven.’

‘Listen, um
’ - Nell wet her lips nervously, as she finally started undoing the buttons of her coat - ‘Emma has the kids over at hers today. I got Nana Gwen settled, too. She’s been over-exerting herself lately so she’s napping a lot more. I’m completely at your disposal this morning . . .’

‘Really?’ Daniel stared mesmerised at Nell’s wet, pink mouth. It would be easy to kiss those full, sweet lips; to slide the coat off her shoulders and slip his fingers beneath the buttons of her pale blue shirt . . . He stopped his thoughts abruptly in their track
s.
Get a hold of yourself, Dan. You’re reading this all wrong.

But Nell cupped a hand to the side of his face and leaned in to kiss him. It was hesitant at first, yet as she grew more ardent, Daniel couldn’t help reciprocating. His arms slid around her waist, and
her own hands crept beneath the layers of his sweatshirt and T-shirt, icy and erotic against his bare skin.

He shivered, and imagined how easy it could all be. Easy to just walk hand in hand with her into his small bedroom and close the door irreversibly on everything that might try to batter its way in. Isolated, alone, they could concentrate solely on each other. And it would be mind-blowing and gratifying to feel like a man again. To just succumb to this single fundamental urge.

But there were practicalities that couldn’t be ignored. He drew back slightly, breathing heavily. ‘Nell . . . Er . . . I’m not quite sure if I’m interpreting all this correctly -’

She zoomed in
and kissed him again. Her enthusiasm was unmistakeable. The invitation issued. And yet . . .

‘Nell,’ he muttered, ‘are you - on the pill?’

She sprang back, her gaze jerking away from his. ‘No, um, no, I haven’t, I mean -’

‘It’s OK.’ He pressed his hand down over hers reassuringly. ‘It’s just, I haven’t got anything in, either.’ He felt awkward, strained. ‘There hasn’t been any cause to stockpile before now . . .’

‘Oh.’ She rubbed her brow. ‘I feel . . . really stupid . . . Like some dippy, unprepared teenager or -’

‘No.
No
.’ Daniel took her face in his hands. ‘I’m not rejecting you, Nell, that’s so not what’s going on here. If you want, I’ll go to the chemist’s right now, just say the word, but . . . you know, this wasn’t how I pictured it. How I pictured
us
.’

She was blushing profusely now, and trying vainly to back out of his embrace. But he didn’t want to make her feel any worse.

‘Nell, listen, maybe we could get away, just the two of us, for a weekend somewhere. A country hotel, with a spa, maybe. Somewhere . . . memorable. Not
here
.’

‘I can’t,’ she muttered. ‘The kids, Nana Gwen -’

‘Emma would come up to Bryn Heulog and stay over, with Rose and Ivy, as well. You know she would do that in a blink for you. No one expects you to tether yourself to this house. You deserve a life, too.’

‘I guess.’ Nell seemed deflated now, slumped in his arms like a rag-doll.

‘So, I’ll go online later, take a look at hotels. They often do winter breaks in January - slap-up dinners, stuff like that . . .’

‘I feel . . . so
embarrassed
,’ she said dismally. ‘About just now, about -’

‘Nell,
no
. Don’t.’ He kissed the top of her head. ‘You’re beautiful. Wonderful. I do care about you . . .’ As he formed the words, he accepted his feelings, allowed the rush of warmth and fuzziness to spill right in, exposing himself to all the potential for heartache that went with it. ‘If I didn’t feel this way about you already, it wouldn’t matter if it was special or not.’ Her hair was soft against his cheek. ‘I’m a man, Nell. An ordinary bloke. Not a hero.’

She stiffened in his ar
ms, almost flinching. The blush seemed to drain from her face, as if he’d pulled out a plug. ‘Why - why did you say that?’ she asked. ‘Why didn’t you say “saint”? Most people would have said “saint”.’

‘Would they?’ Daniel shrugged, surprised by her response. ‘I don’t know. It’s just what came into my head.’

‘Is it because of all that stuff we were discussing, you know, before you left?’ Her gaze flickered over him with a strange sort of urgency.

Daniel frowned, perturbed. ‘About the things Calista said?’

Nell nodded.

‘Have you spoken to Calista again since?’ said Daniel. ‘Has anything more happened?’

‘Something happened.’ Nell looked away, prodding listlessly at her coffee mug on the table.

Neither of them had drunk a drop, Daniel realised. He didn’t much feel like it now. His heart seemed to be thumping away rigorously enough, as it was. Any more stimulus and it might just wear out altogether.

‘I’m getting a divorce,’ Nell announced, still without looking at him.

‘A divorce?’ Daniel wasn’t certain how to react on the surface. His heart now seemed to have performed a back-flip worthy of the Olympics. ‘How - ? When did this come about?’

She paused, then turned to face him, her eyes lacklustre. ‘When Silas turned up on Christmas Day.’

‘Silas?’ repeated
Daniel, after another heavy pause. ‘Your husband?’

Nell nodded. ‘Out of the blue . . . Without any warning . . .’

‘Oh, geez . . . To ask for a divorce? He just turned up, and asked for a divorce?’

But Nell was shaking her head. ‘I asked
him
. It was my decision. He only came back because he wants to get to know the children. But he’s going along with making the break-up official, he’s not going to contest it.’

Daniel stared at her, stunned, silently taking it all in. She still seemed deflated, lacking energy. A different creature from the one who had pounced on him single-mindedly only a short while earlier.

And there it was, he realised, the pain and uncertainty and paranoia that went alongside admitting your feelings; trickling into his gut as if someone had made a tiny, but deep, incision.

Nell’s reaction to her husband’s reappearance, and her apparent decision to draw a line under the marriage, after so long, was somehow not quite right. There was more to it, sensed Daniel, than Nell was willing to ad
mit to him, or even to herself.

As if her words, her resolve, her reasoning, formed only the tip of a very large and ominous iceberg. And Daniel was the Titanic, heading inexorably towards it.

‘I
can’t believe you did that!’ Emma tossed the last of the outfits on to her bed and turned, hands on hips like some outraged school-marm, to confront Nell again.

‘Well, it was probably a mistake telling you,’ grumbled Nell, ducking her head. ‘If I’d known you were going to react like this, I wouldn’t have bothered. It was embarrassing enough yesterday.’

‘So how did you expect me to react?’ challenged her sister.

‘I thought you liked Daniel. I thought you wanted me and him to get together.’

‘Nell, hon, it would be lovely if you and Daniel became a proper couple. If a year from now, once all your baggage is firmly packed up, you could actually settle down together. It would be great for you. Great for the kids. But rushing it like that? Leaping into bed together and then regretting being so rash - that wouldn’t have been an auspicious start, would it? You’ve only been on one official date so far.’

Emma began sifting through the clothes she had draped all over her patchwork quilt. ‘You’re both in fragile places, Nell. Maybe a bit on the rebound, although I’m not saying you don’t genuinely like each other. It’s just . . . What made you act like that? What made you want to be so reckless and impulsive? You rushed into marrying Silas, and look where that got you.’

Nell picked up the dress nearest to her. A flowery, summery thing, hardly apt for a New Year’s Eve party. ‘I don’t know,’ she said cautiously. ‘I just wanted to feel . . . like a woman, I suppose. Like someone could actually be attracted to me.’

‘Oh, Nell . . .’

‘And I
do
fancy Daniel. I honestly want to make a go of things with him.’

‘Well,’ Emma sighed, ‘I’m pleased to hear that. But I think I know where this sudden urge to rush things along is coming from.’

‘You . . . do?’

‘Because Silas doesn’t want you. Because he didn’t come back crawling on his hands and knees, and he’s quite happy not to contest the divorce. Although I’m not sure he can, in legal terms; I’ve been reading up about it. Anyway, you need some sort of affirmation that you’re appealing to the opposite sex. And I can’t blame you for that. It’s
understandable.’

Nell frowned, feeling insulted, even though her sister meant well. ‘Who made you Sigmund Freud all of a sudden? You don’t need to over-analyse everything.’

‘Listen, I’m saying it’s a natural reaction. Why do you think some people have affairs? Because they think their partner doesn’t find them attractive any more.’ Emma paused to survey herself in her cheval mirror, but seemed content enough with what she saw. ‘So. How about this one?’ She held up a slinky, silver dress, shimmering with sequins.

Nell screwed up her nose. ‘Not me.’

Emma sighed. ‘It was probably me - about a hundred years ago.’ She dropped it on to the ivory-coloured tub chair in the alcove window. ‘Charity sack pile. Item one.’

‘Thanks for helping me with this.’ Nell gladly diverted the subject away from the death throes of her marriage. ‘I haven’t bought a party outfit in years.’

‘Well, neither have I, to be honest, and my wardrobe could do with a clear-out. I’ve got stuff crammed in here from before I had the girls.’

‘I could always wear that blue dress of mine . . .’

It was Emma’s turn to wrinkle her nose. ‘Nice for a quiet, romantic date or a dinner party, but you need something with a bit more wow-factor. I always think red looks good on you. That coat you like wearing, for instance.’

‘I just got that on sale . . . It wasn’t a deliberate choice . . .’

‘Well, red never does much for me, although that’s never stopped me buying it on impulse . . . Here - what about this?’ Emma held up a crimson dress with long sleeves. It was quite short, with a layer of lace over a satin petticoat.

‘Sweet,’ conceded Nell.

‘Sultry,’ grinned Emma.

‘I suppose.’ Nell gently fi
ngered the sheer red sleeves. ‘But would it even fit me? You’re the one with a bust.’

‘Well, you’re not flat as a pancake, either! The bodice is tight, you could get away with a padded bra. As for the skirt, it’s not clingy, so it’ll be fine. It’s too short on me really, but it would be decent enough on you. I think I’ve even got some red heels in one of those boxes down there.’ Emma gestured to the cupboard built in under the
west window, where the pale afternoon sun now trickled in through the voile drapes. ‘We’re both size fives, so you’re welcome to borrow them.’

‘This is where I break my neck trying to walk.’

‘They’re not
that
high. And they’re not stiletto thin. If you wear some natural, slightly shimmery tights, you’ll look amazing. Daniel’s eyes will pop out.’

‘I thought the idea was to act demure in front of him. You said we needed to slow things down.’

‘Well, nothing wrong with keeping his interest up,’ remarked Emma, far from coy. ‘So anyway, you’re more than welcome to keep the dress. Like I said, red doesn’t suit me. So if you need to alter it, just go ahead. In fact, I’ve got a few things I’d like to keep hold of that need altering. My shape’s changed a bit over the years, but I’m hopeless with a needle and thread - as you know. The kitchen’s more my department.’

‘I suppose I could take a look at them for you.’

‘I’d pay you. It wouldn’t have to be a favour. Maybe you could look into offering some sort of alteration service, as an actual little business, like Nana Gwen said her mother used to. I was saying to Gareth only the other day, it seems a waste that you’re so nifty with a needle but you don’t exploit it more.’

‘Well, Gareth’s handy with a hammer and saw,’ Nell pointed out, gesturing to the furniture in the deceptively roomy cottage bedroom. ‘But he’s not exactly exploiting it, either.’

‘No.’ Emma paused to glance around. ‘But it’s convenient for me that he’s as handy as he is, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to cram in half the stuff I like to hoard.’

‘All this work would have set you back thousands if you hadn’t had Gareth.’

‘Funny really, how Silas is working with wood now, too - isn’t it? I never would have put him down as the sort. I mean, did he even assemble any flat-pack furniture when you were together?’

‘I can’t really remember,’ said Nell. ‘Maybe a bookshelf or two from Ikea.’

‘So a far cry from what he’s doing now.’

Nell busied herself neatly folding up the dress. ‘Well, he tried to say that this was more the real him than the man I first met.’

‘Yes, but you were living with that man for five years. You’d have thought you’d have run into the real him at some point!’

‘We’ve been separated longer than we were actually together. I don’t know him
any more, and maybe I never did.’ Nell swayed to her feet, clutching the dress. ‘I’d better be off.’

‘Joshua and Freya can stay playing a bit longer, if they like. I don’t mind. I’ll drop them home later, and it’ll give me a chance to hunt out those shoes for you.’

Nell nodded. ‘OK.’ She paused on her way out of the room to peer through the window overlooking the long garden.

The four children were running up and down with Truffle, chasing a rubber ball. ‘If Ivy and Rose are anything like Freya,’ said Nell, ‘this time tomorrow they’ll be worrying about clothes and their hair and how they’re going to look for the party.’

Emma came to stand beside her at the window. ‘Tomboys with nail varnish.’ She sighed. ‘Remember when we were that age? It all seemed so easy, didn’t it? Like we owned the world.’

‘And now the world owns us.’

Emma frowned. ‘We don’t have to let it.’

‘Well
, then it wouldn’t be real life,’ said Nell, turning away gloomily towards the door.