Once Upon A Time in the West . . . Country (42 page)

Chapter 12

1
AXcess Bikes, Honiton. Good bloke, Peter. Just don’t buy the second-hand bike with the bent brake levers.

2
I think I’ll use the last bit of that sentence as a vocal warm-up before shows in future.

3
French readers look away. Oh no, too late. You’ve already read about the two consecutive British victories when there hasn’t been a French winner for over thirty years. Sorry.

4
Henry VIII was a colourful figure – for some an overweight, misogynistic and bloody tyrant, for others a Renaissance king who was a scholar, played and composed music, and was a first-class hunter. For me, what’s most impressive about him is this ability he had to dissolve monasteries and abbeys. Most of us live our lives occasionally dissolving an aspirin, and we leave it at that. Not so, Henry. He dissolved over 150 of these huge edifices. He didn’t knock them down. He
dissolved
them. I don’t think he gets enough credit for that.

Chapter 13

1
OK, and that I was naked. Only very zealous muggers steal the clothes off your back, too.

2
OK, I accept that if I had found it sexually arousing, then I wouldn’t have admitted it here (the slim chance of a knighthood would have further dwindled). However, if Titch and I had embarked on any kind of sexual relationship (either with or without her consent), then I would simply have omitted this whole section. And I haven’t done. So I’m innocent. See? Besides, I made a promise to myself many years ago that no matter how lonely I got – no livestock.

3
Brunel was placed second, behind Winston Churchill. Owing to an administrative error, I didn’t feature.

4
442.

5
Apocryphal is a word academics use instead of saying ‘bollocks’.

6
This is something non-academics say, following three days of failing to understand how a ratchet strap works.

Chapter 14

1
How did
He
come up with his son’s name?

2
Rather disappointingly Brunel went for this, too, calling his first born Isambard Brunel Junior. (Were the son still alive he could claim that Isambard Brunel Junior School in Portsmouth was named after him and not his dad. If he could be arsed.)

3
One of those three facts was made up. Can you guess which one?

4
Far fewer years than this, if you happen to be a creationist. According to Genesis (the book, not the band), Man popped up much later than this – after Adam and Eve had done some top-drawer sinning. Quite how the rest of us were ‘begot’ without some serious incest going on, is not explained. However, given that we’re also told that Adam lived for 930 years, we may have some grounds to question the scientific credulity of these details anyway.

5
The fact that religious men could quote the following from Genesis 3:16 can’t have helped the women’s cause: ‘To the woman He said, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”’

6
If at any point I get too technical for you, just stop reading and have a bit of a lie-down.

7
It could have been worse, it could have been in capitals. That will only happen when, for some reason, I’m anything but calm and relaxed.

Chapter 15

1
Massey Ferguson. Ken was lucky enough to be on first-name terms.

2
Maybe this guy has the right idea:
http://opensourceecology.org/wiki/TED_Talk

3
They’re always late.

4
Two little ducks. Quack, quack.

Chapter 16

1
This is far better than using a sat nav, as local farmers probably make fewer mistakes, even though most of them aren’t linked up to satellites.

2
Certainly no hard places in my pants. This whole experience was as far from arousing as it could get.

3
This comment only makes sense if you are familiar with this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Just_a_Minute

4
Listen here:
www.tony-hawks.com
and click on Once Upon A Time in the West Country.

Chapter 17

1
That’s how I describe it. Brother Tom would have supplied a tad more detail.

2
Actually it wasn’t sheepishly. Sheep have the good sense not to drive tractors. It’s about the only sensible thing they do. Or rather don’t do.

Chapter 18

1
Always thinking of the environment. It’s well-known that pan pipes can be recycled into . . . well, more pan pipes.

2
There was a picture of me, too. It was slightly behind Titch’s, because it must have got knocked.

3
This is because the baby is pressing down on the bowels. It’s worth noting that, generally speaking, wanting a poo is not a sign that significant events are about to take place. (Although I believe Neville Chamberlain wanted a poo when he declared war on Germany.)

4
I’ve had these at the dentist and I’m a fan of anaesthetics that are administered locally. They’re so much better than the ones that are administered twenty miles away.

5
All that research hadn’t been wasted.

Epilogue

1
We’ll have that sorted by the time of the sequel.

2
It seems we live in a culture that supports the notion that boys like blue and girls like pink. If you don’t believe me, go out and try to buy a pink card for a male newborn. If you’re lucky, you might find one in Brighton.

3
Yes, I know – only a man could describe birth thus.