Once Upon a Time in Hell (11 page)

"Don't mind him," the girl said. "He thinks he's dangerous. Most men do. They learn."

I tried not to stare at the tentacles that bound him, tried not to think where they had come from.

"Sorry," I said. "I just needed to step out a little."

She tilted her head, though whether it was to get a clearer look at me or an involuntary sexual twitch I couldn't rightly say.

"You getting yourself in trouble?" she asked. "Smells like it... I can pick up the scent of most men, you smell kind of... funky."

"I've been travelling," I said. Now mortally embarrassed that I was somehow still con ducting a conversation with this girl in the circumstances.

"I don't mean that," she said. "There's something different about you. This place is filled with either those who are dead or those who were never mortal in the first place. Somehow you're neither. It's interesting."

"Oh," I replied, "right... that will be... yeah... I had a bit of bad luck at cards."

The bald-headed man tried to yank his face free from its work again. "God damn it!" he slurred."Will you just fuck off?" The tentacles pulled him back and, after mumbling a few more indistinguishable threats, he fell silent again.

"Sorry," she said, "a girl's got to feed when she can."

"Feed. Right. I'll just..." I pointed back the way I had come. "I'll see you again I'm sure," she said, leaning her head back and closing her eyes, "look after yourself strange man."

T
HE OLD MAN
found me at the front of the boat, while I was trying to roll a cigarette. The boat kept rocking and I tried not to imagine it was being pushed upwards by the hundreds of panicked hands beneath us.

"Don't go running off like that," he said, "not here."

"Why? Not as if anything life-threatening is going to happen to me is it?"

He looked pained at that but I'll admit I didn't altogether care. I was feeling sore.

I was also feeling confused. I'll be honest with you, I had been unsettled by what Agrat had said, of course I had, but the idea of immortality still didn't seem all that bad. I had spent the last few days being in almost constant fear of my life, the idea that I wouldn't need to do that anymore was a relief.

Of course, right then, I hadn't really had time for the wider ramifications to sink in. In fact, none of it really had. I was a simple boy who was way out of his depth and just doing his best to keep his head above water.

"I'll do my best to think of a way around your debt," he said, "but to do that I'll need to get over my own current situation. Which means we still need Agrat and what she can offer me."

"Which is? I figure you can start playing a little straighter with me, what's so special about Agrat?"

"She's a powerful figure but one that doesn't hold allegiance to the Powers that Be."

"I'm guessing that we're talking about..."

"I told you before, don't say His name." "Right, yeah... So what can she do for you."

"She can remove my Non Grata status. As it stands I can barely exist here. Nobody can see me or hear me."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"How would you feel if your identity was removed? That's my curse. I have no name and no presence here. I can't interact with anyone except through a mortal like you."

"You pissed him off, yes?"

"That's one way of putting it. He made it so that I could never come home because he saw me as a threat. I was exiled to walk the mortal world, invisible to any of my own kind."

"Having spent a little time with your own kind, did you ever think that maybe wasn't such a great loss?"

"I am who I am, and I want to go home. Agrat can help with that. But she'll only do it if she's forced to do so. We need to have something she wants, we need to be able to trade."

"Well, I'm all out of cash," I said, "and probably about to be kicked off the boat once word spreads that I shouldn't be here in the first place."

"They've got no reason to kick you off," he said. "Even if you were still mortal, that would make you unusual but you wouldn't be breaking the house rules."

"And what are they?"

"Few and far between. Hell is not a place that thrives in a restrictive atmosphere. There's really only one firm rule onboard this boat..."

"Well, look who it is," said a voice, interrupting the old man. The doors to the casino had opened to release both the desperate mixture of rattling chips and chatter and the floating figure of Axionus. "The poor loser." "Don't trust him," said the old man. "He may not look like much but he's a poisonous little shit."

Axionus was flanked by two lumbering heavies. They were both smartly dressed in three piece suits but their faces ruined the effect. Flat and charming as tombstones, they were dominated by the teeth in their lower jaw which jutted out making them look like walruses who had got a job in a bank.

"I was just thinking to myself," said Axionus, "what brings a mortal to The Bristle?"

"I just love a game of cards," I told him, looking to walk off up the gangway and find a bit of privacy again.

"Don't be rude," the baby-faced bastard said, one of his henchman moving to block my way. "I'm just interested in a little chit-chat."

He hovered in front of my face, his gently-beating wings stirring the foul-smelling air and serving it up to my nose.

"I don't meet a lot of mortals," he said, "not these days. Even during The Fastening they don't tend to end up in these parts. They stick to the tourist areas I guess. Here? The Bristle tends to be more for locals, you see the same old minor deities, demonic orders and corpses. So, how did you find yourself beating such an untrodden path?"

"Like I said, I was after a game or two. Nothing more to it."

"And what a game, eh? Didn't work out quite as you hoped, I know. That Agrat, she's a tricksy little thing isn't she?" He fluttered in even closer, an almost overpowering scent of mould and decay seeping from him. "I wouldn't be at all surprised if she had cheated. A big no no here of course but if anyone has the chutzpah to try it and succeed it's her. Still, what are you going to do if you have no proof, eh?" "Live forever apparently."

He laughed at that. It was like a toddler choking on its food. "Live forever, yes. It must seem that way to a mortal, but she won't leave you hanging for too many centuries I'm sure.

From experience, mortals really don't get the hang of longevity. After the first few hundred years they tend to find a cave to go slowly mad in. I'd say you'll be at your financial peak in say... three hundred years time? I'm intrigued though, what was it you wanted from her that was so valuable you were willing to gamble such a fate?"

"None of your business."

"No, no... I suppose not. But I want to know anyway, I am an insatiably curious little thing. Besides, I am not without power you know. Anything you might have wanted from Agrat is likely within my power to deliver. Tell me what it was, maybe we can cut a deal."

"He's lying," said the old man. "He's nowhere near powerful enough to do what we need, he's just fishing."

"That really is between me and her," I said. "Now if you'll excuse me I think I'll go back inside and get myself a drink, maybe watch some of the show."

I tried to push past him but the same heavy that had blocked my path earlier now raised a hefty, cloven hand and pressed it against my chest, pushing me back a foot or two.

"There a problem here boys?"

I looked over my shoulder to see the dancer I had been talking to earlier. She was now, thankfully, without her suckling attendant.

"There wasn't," sneered Axionus, "but now there seems to be a foul smell in the air."

"That's no way to speak to a lady," I said, without really thinking. I mean, this particular lady seemed to store aquatic creatures in her nether regions and was fond of airing them in plain view. Still, a mother's training dies hard and I was always taught to mind my ways around the gentler sex.

"A lady?" Axionus laughed again. It really was a godawful noise, like a lunatic pumping bellows into a bucket of snot. "You really are new to our world aren't you? This is no lady, this is a succubus, kid. One of the lower forms. Basically she's a rancid little cooze with ideas above her station. She's also going away now or I'll have one of my boys throw her over the side."

"I really don't like your manners," I told him, stepping between the girl and Axionus, like one of the more tender types of idiot. "And you'll have to go through me if you want to lay a hand on her."

"Mind yourself boy," said the old man. "That's all very sweet but he's right about one thing, that's not some young innocent you're defending the honour of."

"That's not the point," I said, forgetting nobody else could hear him in my anger. "She doesn't deserve to be called a god damned cooze!"

"It's nice that you're looking out for me, sweetheart," the girl said, taking my arm, "though talking to yourself isn't the best way to impress. Besides, this girl can fight her own bat tles."

"Will you run along?" Axionus said, his wings beating in agitation. "I am trying to have a conversation here and your smelly quim is putting me off my point."

"Right," I said, having had more than enough of my time on the boat so far. I'd lost all claim to my own life in a hand of cards, been threatened by a dog-faced freak, talked to by an animated pecker and now a baby with wings was rubbing up against every ounce of chivalry I had in me. Young Elwyn was not a man easily provoked, but he was just about fit to pop. "That's as much as I'm willing to hear from you." That said, I punched him right in his stupid toddler's face. He bounced back against the side of the boat, his wings flapping against the windows hard enough to crack the glass.

"Shit," said the old man. "What part of 'mind yourself' did you not understand? You may be immortal but you're not unstoppable."

The two heavies jumped at me and I managed all of two punches before I found myself heaved up into the air, my legs kicking uselessly.

"If you'd like to shoot them now," I said to the old man, "I won't complain none."

"Can't do it," he said. "House rule number one."

"What?"

"No killing unless in direct self defence."

"This is pretty fucking direct!"

"But they're not threatening me, kid, they're threatening you."

"Tear his fucking legs off!" screamed Axionus, his voice even more sloppy now he had a broken nose to contend with. The blood ran thick and black over his puckered little mouth. "See how he likes that for starters."

At least the girl tried to lend a hand, kicking and slapping at one of the heavies as he tried to get a grip on my leg. It wasn't making much of a dent though but God bless her for trying.

"To hell with house rules!" I screamed. "Shoot the bastards! Please!"

The old man sighed, drew his gun and popped a lovely little bullet into each of their heads.

For a moment there was silence and confusion. Axionus and the girl were confused as to where the sound of gunfire had come from; the two heavies were confused as to why they now had an unwelcome piece of lead just above their eyes, and I was confused as to why I was still being held up in the air.

Then the moment broke as they both toppled over, taking me with them. At least I had a relatively soft landing, coming to rest on their dead bodies.

"What...?" Axionus was fluttering around in panic, his little eyes darting from left to right, trying to see who had fired.

"You weren't talking to yourself were you, strange man?" said the dancer, helping me up.

"No I wasn't," I said, "though sometimes it sure feels like it."

"You've really screwed this up now, kid," said the old man shaking his head. "House rules are taken real seriously."

The air was suddenly filled with the creaking of wood and the gangway began to ripple as planks shifted free from their joists.

"What the hell?" I asked, pulling the dancer close, though more to make myself feel better than to protect her, I'll admit.

"The house polices itself," said the old man, darting forward from the safety rail as it popped loose and, along with the gangway either side of us, curved in on us. The wood splintered to form rough fingers, three makeshift hands grabbing at me.

"It wasn't me that did the shooting!" I shouted.

"Yeah, but it can't see me and you were the one asking for it to happen."

"I was defending my life!"

"You were defending your legs, I guess that's not deemed due cause by the Clearsight."

The wooden hands grabbed me by the wrists, hoisting me back up into the air. The third, which had once been the safety rail, formed a fist with which to punch me in the stomach. "Strange man," said the dancer, "I like you but I can't afford to fight the house over you.

Unless you've got any more tricks up your sleeve I'm afraid you're on your own."

Which was absolutely charming, given how I'd stood up for her earlier. Not that there was much I imagine she could do to stop a boat beating me up. I mean, it's a boat... how do you fight one of those?

Luckily, there was one man onboard willing to try.

"White man!" came a low, resonant voice I recognised. Looking down I saw Branches of Regret charging through the casino doors—without opening them first I might add—"You should run now, I think."

D
ISTRACTED BY A
more challenging fight, the parts of the boat that had grabbed on to me let go and swung for the rampaging Branches of Regret. I all but fell off the ruptured Gangway and into the soup of bodies we floated on, luckily the old gunslinger didn't hesitate to help me this time.

"Get a grip," he said, grabbing hold of the back of my shirt as I toppled forward towards open air. I flailed my arms around, desperately trying to find something to hold onto that wasn't likely to hit me.

"You are floating in mid-air," said the dancer, "which is very clever."

"If you could see your way to doing a little less admiring and more helping, I'd sure be grateful."

She reached for my hand and, between the two of them, I managed to get back on more solid footing. Not that anywhere was particularly solid, as parts of the boat continued to peel away from where they had been idly passing the time as handrails, gangway, walls or windows, and began to turn their attention towards Branches of Regret. My wooden saviour was also undergoing a change. His body stretching and growing, extra limbs sprouting from his solid torso and joining the fight.