Once Upon a Beanstalk (2 page)

“What?” The queen snapped, her brow wrinkling.

“Well,” the mirror continued, “There’re all kinds of people from neighboring kingdoms here for the wedding, and we aren’t exactly on native soil, so when you say ‘fairest of them all’ normally you mean your kingdom, but I’m not sure how you want me to calculate this.”

He paused, while the queen’s free hand slowly curled into a fist. He was clearly stalling at this point. “If we’re going with option three then I’d have to say that the wedding coordinator’s assistant is pretty darn cute, must be her eyes, but she isn’t the fairest of—”

“Just answer the question, fool,” the queen growled. “Or I’ll break you into seven little pieces and grind you up into powder with the heel of my shoe.”

“He doesn’t have to answer it,” a voice cut in, and the motionless bride rolled over and sat up. “Snow White’s still the fairest of them all.” She pushed aside her veil and the queen squealed in rage when she saw that it wasn’t her stepdaughter who she’d tried to knock dead, but a decoy wearing a helmet underneath her veil. The decoy smiled at the queen, revealing a hot pink mouth guard.

This was the perfect moment. Rumpel motioned to Wolf, and they burst out of the bushes together. “Mrs. White, I’m going to have to ask you to come with me,” he said in his sharpest tone, the one he usually reserved for drunken centaur guests.

The stepmother queen lifted the bust like a club, but Rumpel tased her. She went down like a sack of potatoes. Wolf snapped the cuffs on while Rumpel went over to make sure the decoy bride didn’t have a concussion.

“Knew that helmet would come in handy,” he said aloud to nobody in particular. It had been his idea for her to wear it. He’d had a hunch.

Having a decoy bride on hand was standard procedure now for R & R Wedding Planning and Comprehensive Services ever since that one wedding where the sorcerer used the flying horse to steal the bride away. A nasty incident. They’d had to postpone the wedding for months until the bride was found and safely returned. Of course, the decoy thing could get expensive, like the time those twelve princess sisters—the ones known internationally for dancing—all got married at the same time. But, as this day proved, the cost was well worth it.

His headset crackled. “Rumpel? Is everything under control? We’re about to start the processional.”

“We got her, Red.”

He ducked into the back of the church just as the Bremen Town Musicians struck up a jazzy rendition of “Here Comes the Bride.” Silently counting the groomsmen, Rumpel noted with relief that they were all present and accounted for now.

The assistant stepped to his side from her place at the door. “We found the missing groomsman,” she said, and he noticed a tiny smear of slime along the bottom of her lip.

He didn’t ask.

Sometimes you had to do weird things when you were in the wedding business.

Penelope scanned her official orders again before stuffing the papers into her bag with a sigh.

Her best friend, Tom Thumb, studied her face from his place beside her on the seat.

“You don’t look happy. Bad news?”

She was already out of sorts for having to use a carriage to get to the palace—apparently it was a wedding tradition for the guests to arrive drawn by horses. This piece of news only made her mood worse.

“Work, as usual,” Penelope said. “Apparently I can’t ever get away, not even for my best friend’s wedding. We’ve just received a tip that the Grimm Brothers will be in town for Rapunzel’s wedding, so I’m going to have to keep a lookout for them at the reception instead of enjoying myself. The boss is sending some manpower, and I’m in charge.”

The carriage bumped over a pothole in the road, jostling her against the cushions, and Tom grabbed hold of her pinky finger to steady himself. “The Grimm Brothers? That band of criminals?” He let go of her finger and sank into the pillow beside her, which was as large as a bed for him. “You’re still looking for those guys? I thought they were apprehended for their crimes a month ago.”

“Nope, that was just a copycat team hoping to impress their buddies. Apparently the real McCoy will be in town for Rapunzel’s wedding, probably hoping to stuff their pockets with expensive wedding presents. The boss thinks it’s incredibly lucky that I’m going to be present anyway, so I can use the opportunity to try to catch the devils.” She pinched the place between her eyebrows and sighed. The stress was already beginning to settle over her shoulders like a blanket of iron. “Oh well, it’s not like I had anybody I was looking forward to dancing with anyway.”

“I would dance with you myself, but…” Tom indicated himself with a sweep of his tiny hand, and Penelope smiled. One of the downsides of being best friends with someone the size of her middle finger, she supposed.

The tip-off about a band of notorious thieves couldn’t have come at a worse time, because she’d been looking forward to this wedding for months, and now she was going to have to be running around making sure that nothing was stolen. These guys were real professionals, too. They’d lifted thousands of dollars in wedding gifts from the last royal wedding they’d crashed, the one where the prince and princess had gotten married waist-deep in a pond, to celebrate the way they’d met. (Apparently the poor guy had been turned into a frog.)

“I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to Rapunzel. I’m her maid of honor. I have responsibilities. I don’t know why the job couldn’t have been handed to someone else who isn’t actually
in
the wedding.”

“Maybe your boss figured you’d be the best person to keep an eye on things,” Tom said.

“Maybe.”

Either way, it wasn’t worth fretting about now. She’d do her job and she’d do it well, of course. And maybe this was fitting, seeing as how she got into police work in the first place because of Rapunzel’s abduction during their childhood. Penelope had wanted to make sure no more little girls disappeared because of jealous witches or evil curses, especially after Rapunzel was rescued and recounted her horror story to the entire kingdom. Of course, nobody had thought Penelope would be capable of much when she’d first started with the police force (since she was
technically
a princess and all, and in some persons’ minds princess equaled spoiled) but she’d proved everyone wrong. She was the best undercover agent they had now. Just last week she’d broken up a corrupt fairy godmother crime ring that was scamming hopeful girls into arrangements that were supposed to let them fall in love with princes. Penelope wondered—how many princes did people think were wandering around the kingdom, looking for love with every girl who lost a shoe in front of them?

Tom climbed to the carriage windowsill to watch as they approached the castle walls. Flags in the king’s colors floated on the breeze to celebrate the wedding, shimmering like rainbows against the blue sky. Penelope stared at the family crest emblazoned across the flapping fabrics, and she remembered something else. Something rather unfortunate.

“Oh no.”

“What?” Tom asked.

“I forgot—Prince Greg’s younger brother Andrew is going to be there.” Greg was Rapunzel’s princely fiancé.

“Andrew?” Tom scratched his head, and then a smile broke across his face. “You mean that fellow that used to always flirt with you at finishing school?”

“Yes, and he didn’t flirt with me,” Penelope said, her voice coming out a little sharper than she’d intended. “He annoyed me, pulled my hair, stole my school books, and got mud on my dresses.”

“I seem to recall the mud on your dresses being your own fault,” Tom said with an arch of his eyebrow as he plopped down on the window’s edge and let his legs dangle. “Seeing as you were always climbing trees and running around in the fields.”

“Yes, well—Andrew got me in trouble constantly and made my life miserable, thank you very much, and we
never
flirted even once. Fought tooth and nail is more like it.”

Despite her vehement protests, she blushed as she spoke—hopefully Tom didn’t notice. Darn it, that horrible prince! He was still causing her problems. Well, with any luck at all he’d be married and stodgy now, with a potbelly and thinning hair.

The carriage lurched to a stop, sending Tom tumbling. Penelope smoothed her skirts and brushed tendrils of hair from her eyes. She needed to look presentable, professional, and—oh, hang it. She didn’t care if Andrew was going to be there. She had a job to do, and a friend to see married.

She didn’t have time for this nonsense.

Picking up her skirts and her bag, she descended from the carriage and found herself face to face with none other than the queen herself.

“Your Majesty,” she murmured, dropping in a curtsy. “My name is Penelope, and I—”

“Pen!” Rapunzel appeared from behind the queen, hugging Penelope so hard she staggered. “I’m so glad to see you!”

Over her friend’s shoulder, Penelope saw the queen mouth turn down, probably at the scandalous lack of decorum they’d just exhibited. Oh well. She’d never been good at impressing queens, especially not her own mother, so why should she care if this one didn’t like her either?

It was, after all, Andrew’s mother.

“Your Majesty,” Rapunzel said after she’d let go, letting Penelope recover a few shreds of her dignity. “This is my best friend, Pen.”

“I’ve heard a great deal about you,” the queen said with a sniff.

Penelope smiled. “Well, I’m sure Rapunzel has greatly exaggerated my escapades—”

“Not from Rapunzel,” the queen said, with another sniff. “From my son Andrew.”

“Oh.” Heat flooded Penelope’s face, and she covered her blush by turning to look for Tom. He was wiggling down one of the carriage steps, and Penelope scooped him up in her hand. “This is my best friend, Tom Thumb.”

“Charmed, Mr. Thumb,” the queen said. She sniffed a third time, and Penelope began to wonder if she had a cold. “The servants will show you to your rooms now. I’ll see you tonight at the rehearsal dinner, I suppose.”

She glided away, leaving them standing in the courtyard gazing after her.

“You’ll warm up to her,” Rapunzel said with a sunny smile. “It took her a while, but she adores me now. She’s a bit superstitious, but really very sweet underneath it all.”

“Superstitious?”

Rapunzel giggled. “It’s a long story. You’ll see.”

“Andrew has been talking about me?” Penelope asked in a whisper. She deliberately avoided looking at Tom because she didn’t want to see the I-told-you-so expression on his face. After all, talking about someone didn’t mean anything. Andrew was probably telling her just how much he had tormented her. Yes, that was the most likely explanation.

“Oh, I wouldn’t know,” Rapunzel said. “I’ve been so busy with the wedding planning. Come on, let’s find your rooms.”

~

“It’s a little ... tall, don’t you think?” Penelope remarked, gazing up at the gigantic pile of mattresses. They’d dropped Tom off at his room, a little closet just down the hall with a tiny doll bed just his size inside. Now they stood together in the guest chamber, looking at Penelope’s bed. The duvet at the top of the mattresses looked like a handkerchief atop a mountain. “I’m going to need a ladder to get up there. That’s got to be at least fifteen mattresses.”

Her friend tipped her head back to see the top of the bed. “It’s some kind of ridiculous superstition. The queen made me sleep on a similar pile when I came too. I couldn’t sleep a wink for fear I’d fall—I have a terrible fear of heights now because of the tower, you know—and in the morning I was yawning and yawning at breakfast. That was when she told me I could marry her son.”

“Strange,” Penelope murmured.

“Royalty always is,” Rapunzel said, shrugging. “I wouldn’t worry about it. Now, let’s talk about the wedding for a bit. We’ve hired the R & R wedding people because they’re the best, of course. They did Snow’s wedding six months ago and it was just a dream come true.”

“R & R Wedding Planning and Comprehensive Services? I hear they have excellent security,” Penelope said, hopefully.

“Oh, yes. Very good.”

Unfortunately, Penelope knew it wouldn’t be enough. Her expertise would be needed if she was going to catch the Grimm Brothers red-handed.

She accompanied her friend to a final dress fitting, where the stylist fussed at Rapunzel for her short hair (“I can’t stand to have it longer than my ears now,” Rapunzel explained with a shudder) and after that they sampled wedding cake before the rehearsal dinner. The wedding planners and their people were already in the castle, setting up decorations and cooking a dozen turkeys in the kitchen over a roaring fire, and the guests had begun to arrive in sparkling carriages. Penelope excused herself for a while to prowl the castle for a bit and keep an eye on the guests.

She roamed the gardens, the stables, and the carriage house before returning to the balcony overlooking the courtyard to observe some more in secret. She watched the carriages thoughtfully as they unloaded their passengers—old women in diadems and young men wearing dressy cloaks and feathered hats. No sign of the thieves yet, as far as she could tell.

A sleek black coach arrived just as the sun was dipping below the horizon, an hour before the rehearsal dinner was supposed to start. Penelope leaned forward over the balcony as two sharp-faced men climbed down and gazed around them at the festivities. They oozed suave, illicit charm from the tips of their pointed boots to the sleek black hats that half-obscured their eyes. Were these the infamous Grimm Brothers?

Penelope frowned. Nobody knew what they looked like, except that they were young, male, and clearly athletic enough to perform dazzling feats of thievery from impossible heights and locations, but she was pretty sure
rakish
and
seedy
would be appropriate adjectives.

And
rakish
and
seedy
certainly described these fellows.

She was about to descend the stairs to get a better look when someone said her name, loudly.

Spinning around, Penelope found herself nose to nose with Prince Andrew, former scoundrel, puller of pigtails, and the subject of entirely too many conversations that day. And to her dismay, he had not grown stodgy over the last few years, either. Quite the contrary.