Once Is Not Enough (63 page)

“I inhaled it,” she said.

“But with grass you’re not supposed to let the smoke out. You got to take air in with it.” He held it between his middle fingers and illustrated the technique. She tried . . . but couldn’t keep the smoke down. Suddenly he said, “Hold still. I’ll give you a shotgun.” Then he leaned over to kiss her, only he blew the smoke into her mouth and held her nose. “Now swallow it.” She gagged, but kept most of it down. He did it twice again and she began to feel giddy and light-headed. Then he lit another and this time she inhaled properly. A beautiful young girl came over carrying a pitcher of sangria. “Here’s some paper cups. Want some great stuff?”

Keith nodded and took the cups she handed them. “This is Arlene, January.”

“Drink the wine . . . you’ll blow your mind . . . Anita is strung out in the other room.”

January sipped the wine. “It’s great,” she said.

“Sip it slowly,” Keith said. “It’s laced heavy.”

“What?” She put down the cup.

“Relax. There’s just enough acid in it for a good trip. Trust me. Look, we all have the show to do tomorrow. I’m drinking it . . . Just sip it slowly.”

She looked around. The sweet smell of pot was everywhere. Music was piped into all the rooms. Everyone was sipping the sangria. She shrugged . . . why not? Everyone here had done it before . . . and they seemed eager to do it again. The sensation had to be great. Besides, as Keith had said, there would only be this Thursday in June, once in her life!

She finished the wine. Then she handed him the empty cup. She leaned against his shoulder. She felt no great reaction . . .
just totally relaxed. She had been taut from the shot, taut and high . . . overactive . . . Now everything seemed calm and tranquil. That was a funny word . . . tranquil . . . but the whole world seemed tranquil . . . she felt warm and saw the sun . . . then a rainbow of color flashed by and hung over water. She saw waves and the ocean . . . and it seemed soft and blue and she suddenly knew with a strange clarity that Mike had felt no fear when the plane went down . . . he had almost welcomed slipping into that soft blue sea . . . he would rest . . . just as she was resting her head against Keith’s shoulder . . . and Mike hadn’t died . . . nothing ever died . . . life existed always . . . and people were good . . . Keith’s lips were warm . . . Keith was kissing her . . . he was unbuttoning her shirt and she had no bra on . . . but it didn’t matter . . . everything seemed to be going in slow motion now . . . maybe it wasn’t right for her to kiss Keith . . . because Linda had loved him . . .
had
. . .
had
. . . everything was so long ago and nothing was forever.

She leaned back on the cushions. Keith’s lips were on her breasts. She saw a girl completely naked dancing alone . . . a boy was naked and he held another boy close to him and they danced. Arlene floated through the room and turned a switch . . . psychedelic lights floated against the walls. January rolled over and put her head in Keith’s lap. He sat there gazing into space stroking her breasts. She stared up into his face, but she knew he didn’t see her . . . he was listening to sounds of his own. It seemed as if she could actually see his hair getting darker . . . and everything was so still that even through the music she could hear her own heart beating, and suddenly she felt she could see the past and the future. The future without Mike. It was as if God was opening the heavens for a moment. And then she saw him . . . his blue eyes. He had come back. She stretched out her arms. He had been away so long . . . and now he had come back and she wasn’t asleep. His eyes were so blue . . . maybe it was God. Did God have blue eyes . . .

She heard voices . . . they seemed so far away. One of the voices came from a young man standing near Keith. Norton . . . yes . . . he had done a big number in the show. Norton was smiling down at her . . . but she stared past him . . . where
had God gone . . . Norton’s eyes were brown . . . amber brown . . . golden brown.

“Man, her tits are small but beautiful . . . such tiny pink nipples . . . I dig pink nipples. Man . . . can I have them?”

And then Norton was stroking one breast and Keith had knelt down and was stroking the other. They each kissed one . . . and it was sweet and friendly and she held both their heads. Everyone loved one another . . . everything was so peaceful . . . and Christina came over . . . she had taken off the top of her dress . . . her breasts were hanging. Why were they hanging? They had been so nice and round sticking out of her dress. Christina reached down and pulled Norton’s arm. “Norton, come with Arlene and me . . .” She pulled Norton to his feet. Another boy walked over. He smiled at Keith. “Hi, man. She’s outta sight . . .” He knelt down and looked into January’s eyes. “I’m Ricky. . . .”

She smiled and touched his legs. “You did the dance . . .” Ricky had no clothes on . . . he had worn very little in the show . . . but now he had no clothes on . . . he started moving his body . . . doing the dance from the show . . . he held out his hands . . . he wanted her to do the dance with him. She got up slowly . . . she felt she could do anything . . . even fly across the room . . . float over everyone’s head.

“You can’t dance with clothes on,” he said.

She smiled as she dropped the jeans to the floor. Then she stepped out of her pants. He slid his hands down her body and she smiled. She felt free . . . she moved sensuously . . . in rhythm to his movements . . . following all of Ricky’s gyrations. They were a foot apart with their eyes locked together. He moved closer. Everyone began to clap in a far-away rhythm to their movements. She raised her hands over her head and joined in. Clap . . . Clap . . . Clap . . . Ricky snapped his fingers to the same beat. Keith came behind her and lifted her . . . she felt lighter than air. Someone was spreading her legs . . . Everyone was clapping . . . slowly . . . in rhythm . . . Clap . . . Clap . . . Clap . . . She was clapping . . . She saw the strong young penis coming toward her . . . Clap . . . Clap . . . Clap . . . Ricky’s penis . . . Clap . . . Clap . . . Clap . . . it was a chant . . . the penis moved into her. Everyone
chanted . . . Fuck . . . Fuck . . . Fuck . . . Keith was moving her body back and forth . . . a group was holding Ricky too. . . . Fuck . . . Fuck . . . Fuck. . . . Nothing wrong with it . . . The young penis entered . . . in and out . . . in and out . . . in and out . . . Clap . . . Clap . . . Clap . . . Fuck . . . Fuck . . . Fuck . . . everyone is a friend . . . Fuck . . . Fuck . . . Fuck . . . Lights going . . . Christina kissing her breasts . . . nice friendly gesture . . . poor Christina with long hanging breasts . . . across the room she saw several girls take off their clothes . . . all in a slow rhythmic movement . . . Another boy came by and kissed her breasts . . . Everyone loved everyone . . . it was nice and good . . . Clap . . . Clap . . . Clap . . . ritualistic clap . . . clap . . . clap . . . fuck . . . fuck . . . fuck . . . suck . . . suck . . . suck . . . everyone was loving her. Oh God, it was wonderful . . . She was floating . . . she had never felt anything like this before . . . Ricky’s penis . . . someone’s lips on her and on Ricky’s penis at the same time . . Christina at her breast . . . She felt the orgasm coming . . . she saw Keith hold something under her nose . . . Fuck . . . Fuck . . . Fuck. . . . “Sniff hard, January . . . it’s a popper.” She breathed deeply . . . her head felt like it was coming off . . . and the orgasm was lasting forever and ever. She wanted it to go on and on . . . on and on. . . . . “Oh, Mike, I love you,” she shouted. Then she passed out.

When she opened her eyes she was curled up on a fur rug clinging to Keith. Her blouse and jeans were on the floor beside her. She sat up. Her head felt clear and she thought about the bizarre dream. Then she looked at her body. She was naked! Ricky was sprawled across the floor . . . also naked and asleep. She stood up and slid into her jeans. It hadn’t been a dream. She had been part of something insane . . . ritualistic. She carried her blouse and walked among the sleeping people. She had to find her shoes. A clock struck in the hall. . . she wandered out there . . . two girls were nude . . . locked in an embrace. They stopped when they saw her and smiled. She smiled and they came over to her and each one kissed her lightly on the cheek. She smiled at the gesture of friendship
and love . . . a rush of wonderful lightness streaked before her eyes . . . she saw flashing colors . . . she felt warm all over . . . but she felt she should go home. There were sandals lying all over the place . . . she must find a pair that fit. She found her bag and slid it on her shoulder.

Keith came over to her. “Where are you going?”

She smiled as she put on her shirt. “Home . . .”

He handed her a cube of sugar. “Eat it . . . it’s great.” Then he shoved an envelope inside the bag she had slid on her shoulder.

She sucked the sugar cube. “What did you put in my bag?”

“A gift,” he said as he began to unbutton her shirt. She felt like she was floating again . . . there was a whirring noise inside her head. But she broke away with a smile. “No . . . you belong to Linda.”

As she walked back to the foyer, the two girls who were still embracing each other looked up. They each reached out and pulled her toward them. They kissed her. They opened her shirt. One slipped her lips on one of January’s breasts. Both began fondling her. It was beautiful . . . these two girls she had never seen before . . . wanting to make her happy . . . wanting to be friendly . . . she felt them unzip her jeans . . . she felt one of the soft hands touching her . . . no . . . that was wrong . . . only a penis should do that . . . or a man . . . She pulled away . . . she smiled and shook her head. The girls smiled. One buttoned her blouse. The other helped her with her zipper. Each waved and went back to making love to one another. She watched them . . . it was like a ballet . . .beautiful . . . she walked to the door.

She went outside. The summer night felt cool and clean. If possible, she felt more light-headed than before. She could see beyond time and space . . . through buildings . . . through that brownstone house she had just left, where people were making love—happy beautiful people.

It was a wonderful marvelous world, and tomorrow she’d tell Mike all about it. No, Mike was gone. Well, when she saw him again. . . . because she would see him again . . . everyone existed forever . . . and he would know she loved him. Because everyone should love everyone . . . everyone should
love everything . . . even a tree—a tree could love back. She stopped at a tree and threw her arms around it. “You’re just a young skinny tree . . . but don’t be afraid . . . because one day you’ll be a big tree. And I love you!” She clung to the tree. “Such a weak little tree . . . this whole street has such young weak little trees . . . But know what, little trees? You’ll all be here long after we are gone. And maybe someone else will tell you how much they love you. Don’t you hope so? Tell me, tree—if that tree next to you told you it wanted to belong to you forever . . . intertwine its branches with yours . . . become one . . . wouldn’t you like that? Wouldn’t the two of you together make a real big strong happy tree?” She sighed. “But no, you’ve got to stand here all alone, skinny and lonely . . . and maybe some of your leaves will blow against his . . . and with the wind you both can whisper and speak . . . and be together . . . yet apart. Is that the way nature wants it to be? Then maybe that’s the way we’re supposed to be too. But oh, tree . . . it’s so nice to belong to someone . . .”

She left the tree and began to walk in a zigzag pattern. She was aware of the way she walked, just as a child is aware when it is consciously trying not to step on the cracks of the pavement. She looked up at the sky. The stars were separated too. Were they lonely? Then she saw one shoot across the heavens. She shut her eyes and made a wish. Maybe right now her father was watching the same star from the ocean. Or maybe he was on one of those stars, beginning a whole new life.

“Twinkle, twinkle, little star.” She laughed. That was silly, because a star wasn’t little. A star was a big sun. . . . “How I wonder what you are!” She knew what a star was. She fastened her attention on one that seemed to be blinking at her. It was so bright, but she was aware that the velvet sky was starting to fade . . . morning would begin soon . . . that very special Thursday in June was over. Never to be gotten back. Only now it was a very special Friday. She got up and began to walk . . . sometimes she zigzagged . . . sometimes she skipped. The red light on Madison Avenue looked so red . . . and the green light so green. And those lights told people and cars what to do . . . when to go . . . when to stop. It was a world of stop and go lights. But who needed them? People wouldn’t
hurt anyone. What was everyone trying to protect her from? Why did people try to instill fear? People were taught to fear and obey. Fear strangers . . . fear cars . . . obey lights! Who needed lights! The world would be much better without stop lights. People would stop and go quite properly without those lights. Because people cared. She stood in the middle of the street and threw her head back and stared at the sky. There were no stop signals in the sky . . . and with that whole big sky . . . Mike’s plane had gone down . . . from that soft sky into the soft water . . . and now Mike was looking at the sky too . . . and nothing could ever hurt him again . . . just like right now . . . nothing could hurt her . . . no one would hit her . . . because at this moment she was part of infinity. Nothing bad could ever happen . . . even death wasn’t the end . . . it was just part of another existence. She was sure of that now. She stared at the sky and waited for an answer . . . she heard the screech of brakes . . . a cab pulled to a stop inches in front of her. The driver got out . . . “You dumb drunken broad!”

“Don’t say that.” She smiled. She slipped her arms around his neck. “Don’t be angry because I love you.”

He pulled away and stared at her. “You coulda been killed. Oh, Christ . . . you’re one of them. You’re stoned out of your mind.”

“I love you,” she said and put her head against his cheek. “Everyone should love everyone.”