Once in a Blue Moon (38 page)

“Do you love him?” Freddie asked bluntly.

Backed into a corner, Kerrie Ann was forced to reply, “I think so. But I’ve only been in one other serious relationship before this, and that didn’t go so well, so I don’t know that I can trust my instincts.”

Ollie’s mother offered her a piece of unexpected advice: “Well, I wouldn’t wait too long to make up my mind if I were you. I nearly lost out on marrying his father that way.”

“You did?”

“I was pretty full of myself back then,” recalled Freddie with a dry chuckle as she plunged her hands back into the soapy water in the sink. “Thought I might do better, same as when you’ve got your eye on a flashy new car instead of appreciating the reliable one you’ve got.”

“Even if I wanted a new car, I couldn’t afford one,” Kerrie Ann said with a laugh.

The older woman finished scrubbing the last pot and handed it to Kerrie Ann to dry. She squeezed out the dishrag, folding it neatly over the edge of the sink, a deep cast-iron one enameled in porcelain and with old-fashioned fixtures, which Ollie had pointed out to Kerrie Ann earlier on when showing her around the house. The kitchen sink was where he and his brothers and sisters had been bathed as infants, he’d told her. And where he’d learned the first rule of baking: that if you wanted to use the kitchen, you had to clean up afterward. Now it was the place where valuable advice was being imparted to Ollie’s girlfriend regarding their possible future together.

At last Freddie turned toward her, wiping her hands on her apron. “What I’m saying is, it’s easy to take a man for granted when he’s always there for you. But you can only get away with it for so long. I learned that the hard way after I’d dragged my heels on giving Al an answer to his proposal and he took a job on a commercial fishing boat up in Alaska. I didn’t hear from him for a whole summer, and by the time he got back, I was beside myself. I didn’t even wait for him to pop the question again. I told him I’d marry him before the words were even out of his mouth.” She smiled then, a smile that radiated outward, lighting up her whole face and deepening the fine lines at the corners of her eyes. “After forty-two years, I can safely say I made the right choice. The ones built to last might not be as fun or flashy as some thrill ride, but they get you where you want to go.”

Kerrie Ann smiled and nodded. No more was said on the subject, but she felt more relaxed around Freddie after that.

Now, months later, Kerrie Ann was on her way to San Luis Obispo to find out if she would pass muster with the judge presiding over her case. It was a mild day in May, sunny but breezy, and she was riding with Ollie along the now familiar route while her sister and Randall, accompanied by Miss Honi, brought up the rear in Randall’s Audi. The final custody hearing wasn’t until the following day, but Randall had generously offered to put them all up at a Sheraton near the courthouse, so she’d arrive fresh and rested tomorrow.

That night, lying in bed with Ollie, Kerrie Ann thought,
At least I won’t have to face it alone
. She recalled his mother’s words and found herself thinking of how he’d always been there for her.

“Tell it to me again,” she said.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he repeated the words he’d spoken so many times that they were like a mantra.

“What if the judge can’t see that I’ve changed?”

“He will.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because you’re the only one who doesn’t see it.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Uh-huh.” He edged closer, nibbling on her earlobe. “But don’t forget, I liked you to begin with.”

She turned her head to look at him. The room was dark and his face in shadow. There was only the gleam of his eyes. “What did you see in me?” she asked.

“I saw someone who’d been down but who never quit trying. That’s what made me fall in love with you—that stubborn streak. You never give up. And you’re not gonna now. Whatever happens tomorrow. One way or another, I know you’ll work it out.”

“I hope you’re right.” With a sigh, she snuggled up against him.

They made love that was as tender as it was passionate. Ollie kissed her all over, tiny kisses like a feather brushing over her skin. She’d taught him to rein in his natural exuberance in the bedroom, and he was demonstrating now just how well he’d learned that lesson. She moaned softly, opening herself to him, drawing comfort as well as pleasure from the sweet but insistent pressure of his fingers and exquisitely soft mouth. She gave to him in return, stroking and kissing him all over, taking him into her when neither could hold back a moment longer. As they rocked together in rhythm, she felt closer to him than she ever had to another living being except Bella. When she came, it was with a quiet intensity that was different than anything she had felt with the countless lovers before him; she felt free to just
be
and not have to fulfill a man’s expectations by making the proper noises and thrashing about as if in the throes of mind-blowing ecstasy. With Ollie, she felt at home, not just with herself but in a safe place where no one could hurt her.

“That was nice,” she murmured afterward as they lay in each other’s arms.

“Nice? You mean I didn’t rock your world?”

“That, too.”

“Good because, dude, a guy’s got his pride.”

“Especially a stud like you.” She smiled in the darkness.

He lifted his head to look at her, his mouth curled in amusement. “You making fun of me now?”

“No. I’d never make fun of you, Ollie.” She spoke seriously, threading her fingers through his thick shock of hair and pulling his head down to kiss him on the lips. “You’re too good.”

“I didn’t know there was such a thing as being too good.”

“Not for everyone. Just some people.”

“Like who, for instance?”

“For me. Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?” He pulled her close, holding her protectively.

But as she drifted off to sleep, her only thought was of the judge to whom she’d have to answer in the courtroom tomorrow. Would he take as benevolent a view? When she stood before him, her deeds—and misdeeds—being weighed, would the good outweigh the bad? She could only hope so. Otherwise, what would have been the point? What would it matter how hard she had worked or how many hours she’d sat in those hard folding chairs at meetings if she didn’t get her daughter back?

In the morning, she woke to a knot in her stomach. When she joined the others for breakfast, all she ordered was coffee. She shook her head when Miss Honi pressed a piece of toast on her and urged, “You got to eat, sugar. How else you gonna keep your strength up?”

“I don’t think I could keep anything down,” she said.

“I know the feeling,” Lindsay sympathized. “When it was me, I was so nervous, I thought I was going to throw up.”

“Woulda served them right, those sons a bitches of Old Man Heywood, if you’d upchucked all over their fancy pinstripes,” huffed Miss Honi. She cast a contrite glance at Randall. “Sorry. I know he’s your kin and all, but after what that man put us through. . .”

“No need to apologize.” Randall helped himself to a muffin. “My father and I aren’t even on speaking terms at this point. In fact, I think it’s safe to say he won’t be attending the wedding.”

“At least your stepmother is coming,” Lindsay said.

“My father’s wife, you mean,” he corrected. “Or ex-wife, I should say.”

“Whatever; I can’t wait to meet her,” said Lindsay, nibbling on half a toasted bagel smeared with cream cheese. “After all, I have her to thank for the fact that I’m not being evicted from my own home.”

“Don’t I get some of the credit?” Randall pretended to be put out.

“Ninety-nine point nine percent of it. But if I let you have it all, I’m afraid it would go to your head,” she teased.

“Dude, isn’t it enough that you’re rich, famous, and good-looking?” Ollie ribbed him.

“Not to mention I landed the prettiest bookstore owner in Blue Moon Bay.” Randall reached for Lindsay’s hand, leaning in to give her a proprietary kiss on the cheek.

Lindsay laughed. “The
only
bookstore owner in Blue Moon Bay, you mean.”

Listening to them banter, Kerrie Ann found herself marveling at the change in her sister over the past year. Frankly, she wouldn’t have thought this soft, less serious side of Lindsay existed if she weren’t seeing it with her own eyes. If she’d changed, so had Lindsay. And maybe, thought Kerrie Ann, she’d had a small part in that transformation. Just as she herself was a different person partly due to Lindsay. But she still had one last hurdle to clear. . .

“It’s no use, guys,” she said, cutting through the repartee. “I know you’re only trying to take my mind off what’s ahead, but I won’t be able to think about anything else until it’s over.”

Lindsay shot her a concerned look. “We didn’t want to make it any worse by hashing it out over breakfast.”

“Believe me, you couldn’t make it any worse.” Kerrie Ann’s stomach executed another slow cartwheel and she pushed aside her coffee cup. She was jumpy enough as it was, her system pumping enough adrenaline to power her through the rest of the day without the aid of caffeine. “I just hope the judge doesn’t decide that I’m still a lousy risk.”

“I don’t see how he could,” said Lindsay. “Not after all you’ve accomplished.”

“Anything’s possible,” Kerrie Ann said.

“If that’s true, then he could just as easily decide you’re a good bet,” said Miss Honi more optimistically. She bit into a doughnut—she’d long since given up on Weight Watchers—brushing idly at the powdered sugar scattered over her lapels. Today’s look was more toned down than usual; she was wearing emerald-green slacks with a candy-heart-pink jacket, a plain gold choker, and matching earrings. Fresh from the beauty parlor, with her upsweep firmly in place, she could have been a contestant in the Miss America pageant, senior division.

They finished breakfast, and Randall paid the check while the others fetched their luggage. Then they all headed to their respective cars for the drive to the courthouse. Kerrie Ann was silent on the way over, and for once Ollie didn’t attempt to engage her in conversation; he seemed to sense that not only would it be futile, it might backfire. Whatever she had to say, she was saving it for the judge.

Her lawyer was waiting for her when they arrived.

“Ready?” Abel looked jaunty in a chalk-stripe suit, French cuffs, and a tie patterned with tiny porpoises.

Kerrie Ann managed a small smile. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Good.” He eyed her sternly. “Now, remember, whatever they say, don’t let it get to you. It’s just words.”

Recalling her outburst the last time, she nodded and said, “I’ll try to keep that in mind.”

He grinned, a dazzling display of white teeth against ebony skin. “Okay, then, let’s go in there and show them what you’re made of.” He added with a chuckle, “Just don’t show
too
much.”

As the hearing got under way, it became increasingly harder for Kerrie Ann to maintain her composure as she sat listening to the Bartholds’ attorney, Janice Chen, a five-foot-tall firecracker in a red suit and black patent-leather heels as shiny as her blunt-cut hair, go on and on about all the Bartholds had to offer and how Bella was thriving in their care.

“Your Honor, I think the results speak for themselves. Would her mother,” the tiny woman flicked a hand toward Kerrie Ann, “be able to offer the same level of care? A woman with a known history of drug use who’s repeatedly demonstrated a clear lack of judgment when it comes to her child? I think the answer is obvious. We believe the court would be doing this little girl a grave disservice by not awarding custody to my clients.”

George Barthold took the stand next, looking somber and dignified. His face lit up only when speaking of Bella. “She’s just the most amazing child. Bright, sweet-natured, and curious about everything. The pastor at our church was joking the other day that he’s going to have to take a refresher course in order to keep up with all her questions.” He chuckled softly. “Watching her blossom over the past year has brought me and my wife the greatest joy.” He cast a glance at Carol, sitting ramrod-straight in the first row. “It would destroy us to lose her, but this isn’t about us and what we want. It’s about what’s best for Bella. If we were to raise her, she couldn’t have more devoted parents, I can promise you that.”

When it was Carol Barthold’s turn, she was the only one with the guts to raise the topic no one else had dared to mention. “That child belongs with us. Will her white mother be able to give her what we can? I went to the Phillips Exeter Academy on scholarship. I was the only African American girl in my class—the proverbial fly in the milk bucket.” Behind Carol’s haughty facade Kerrie Ann caught a glimpse of the girl who’d been on the outside looking in. “What saved me was the strong sense of identity my parents instilled in me. I want Bella to have that, too, to be proud of her black heritage.”

Kerrie Ann began to tremble, partly in fear and partly in suppressed fury. On top of all her other sins, did she have to be punished because she was
white
? She silently blessed Abel when it was his turn to address the bench and he responded to Carol’s argument, “Your Honor, I’m not even going to address the question of race—that’s not the issue here. Let’s stick to what matters. Yes, my client, Ms. McAllister, has made some mistakes in the past, but she recognizes those mistakes and has been doing her utmost to rectify them. She still regularly attends twelve-step meetings and has tested clean for drugs for over a year, not to mention she works two jobs. Can the Bartholds offer more in the way of material things? Undoubtedly. But shouldn’t the love of a mother for her child and that of a child for her mother count more than dancing lessons and a shot at the Ivy League?”

The spark of hope in Kerrie Ann’s breast sputtered, then flared. She risked a peek at the judge. He didn’t appear unmoved. A good sign? Maybe, but she still had some heavy convincing of her own to do. And look what had happened the last time she’d spoken up in her own defense.

She broke out in a cold sweat as she approached the witness stand. If there was ever a time for her higher power to come to her aid, it was now. Taking her seat, she caught Lindsay’s eye. Her sister looked tense, as if recalling her own recent ordeal. It was Ollie, beaming at Kerrie Ann with such love that it suffused his whole face as if a spotlight were shining on him, who gave her the extra push she needed.