Once in a Blue Moon (28 page)

“Don’t worry; I know how to swim,” Kerrie Ann assured her. She finished drying the last of the pans and folded the dish towel over the drainer, giving in to a small, ironic smile as she recalled the days when she used to let dishes pile up in the sink and did the laundry only when she ran out of clean clothes. Now she was almost as tidy as Lindsay, and not just because of the dirty looks she’d get from her sister otherwise. Her life wasn’t such a mess anymore, either. She was even daring to make plans for the future. She was taking an adulted class to earn her GED, and after that she was thinking about a career in nursing. Jeremiah was the last missing piece falling into place. Now, with Bella, they were finally the family she’d always wanted.

“Even when you know how to swim, it can sometimes be an awful long way to shore,” cautioned Miss Honi, bringing her back to earth. “You got your little girl to think of, too.”

Kerrie Ann grew impatient. “I
am
thinking of her. This is as much for Bella as it is for me. Don’t forget, Jeremiah’s her daddy.”

“Ain’t no denying that—she’s the spitting image of him. But he walked out on you once, and who’s to say he won’t do it again? You willing to take that risk?” Miss Honi gave her a long, searching look.

“Yes,” she said with a certainty she didn’t feel. It was true that Jeremiah had walked out on her and might do so again. Also, there was a reason why romantic entanglements in the first year of sobriety were frowned on—especially between two recovering addicts. But if she wasn’t a hundred percent sure she was making the right move, she told herself nothing in life came with a guarantee.

She felt bad about Ollie, though. Not just because she knew this was hurting him. She still had feelings for him. Feelings that had crept up on her so gradually, she hadn’t noticed at first. Now she felt as if something irreplaceable had been lost.

“Okay, but don’t rush into anything,” advised Miss Honi. “You don’t have to shack up with him just ’cause you’re sharing his bed.” It was a moment before Kerrie Ann remembered that they were talking about Jeremiah. “If he means to stick around, he’ll still be there when the time is right.”

“How come you never got married, Miss Honi?” Kerrie Ann was eager to change the subject.

The older woman paused in sponging down the sink, her gaze turning inward. “Oh, I don’t know. It wasn’t in the cards, I guess. Not that I didn’t have my chances. There was this one fella in particular. . .” She wore a small, remembering smile. “He said if I wouldn’t marry him he’d keep right on asking till I said yes, even if it took years.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I wasn’t ready to settle down. Anyway, he moved on eventually. Found himself a nice girl, a secretary at his firm, who wouldn’t raise eyebrows at the PTA, if you catch my drift. Turned out to be for the best. We both knew that I wasn’t cut out to be a wife.”

“I think you would’ve made a great wife,” Kerrie Ann replied staunchly. She didn’t know anyone more loving or loyal than Miss Honi.

Miss Honi flashed her a grateful look. “Thanks, sugar. But you didn’t know me back then—I was quite the gadabout. Loved the nightlife. Loved being onstage. Figured I had myself a real career—not like the girls nowadays, with their store-bought bosoms and all that grinding in men’s laps. By the time I’d been at it long enough to realize it wasn’t all glitz and glamour, I was too old to get a husband—leastwise none I’da wanted.”

“Didn’t you want kids?”

“I had you and your sister, didn’t I? I couldn’ta loved either of you more’n if you was my own.” Miss Honi grew misty-eyed. “Now, come give me a hug. No hard feelings? If this boy makes you happy, then I’ll be the first in line to throw rice at your wedding.” She opened her arms, and Kerrie Ann walked into them as naturally as if she’d been doing so all her life.

When Kerrie Ann drew back, her own eyes were moist. She quickly turned away so Miss Honi wouldn’t see. “I should go change. He’s picking me up in a few minutes.” Jeremiah was taking her to tonight’s meeting.

Fifteen minutes later she was roaring down the highway in Jeremiah’s pimped-out Caddie. When they pulled up in front of the church, several people on the sidewalk turned to stare. Normally she’d have been embarrassed to be seen arriving at a meeting in a car that looked like it belonged to a drug dealer, but being around Jeremiah made her strangely reckless for some reason—she felt as if she were sixteen again, flouting all the rules.

Jeremiah let the Caddie idle at the curb. “What do you say we skip the meeting just this once?” He spoke casually. “We could grab a bite to eat and head over to my place instead, make an early night of it.” At the look she gave him, he added, “Or not. Just a suggestion.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” It was a slippery slope, and she’d heard too many stories about what happened to people who skipped meetings. At the same time, she didn’t think he’d meant anything by it; it wasn’t as if he’d suggested they head for the nearest bar.

“You’re probably right. I mean, there must be a reason we’re here three nights a week. Like we’re such hard cases we’d crash and burn otherwise.” An impish smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

“Speak for yourself,” she said.

“Aha! So you admit you’re not such a hard case.” He was grinning now.

“I’m not admitting to anything.”

“You just said. . .”

“I know what I said. You’re twisting my words. And yes, we did—
do—
need to go to all those meetings. How do you think we got here in the first place? It sure isn’t ’cause we like sitting on hard folding chairs, drinking shitty coffee and listening to a bunch of sad tales.”

“You got that right.” Jeremiah nodded vigorously, though she couldn’t tell if he was simply agreeing that no one in their right mind would want to drink shitty coffee while sitting on a hard folding chair. “But there’s such a thing as being too religious, don’t you think? What’s the point of all those steps if, at the end, you’re still stuck in the same place, listening to the same old shit? You gotta live a little. Come on, don’t look at me like that.” He leaned over to nuzzle her cheek. “Admit it, you’d rather have me make mad, passionate love to you.”

Kerrie Ann opened her mouth to tell him thanks but no thanks, she’d go without him if he didn’t care to join her, but an image of her sister rose in her mind just then—Lindsay, wearing her most disapproving face. She’d grown to love her sister, but there was no getting around the fact that Lindsay could be a stick-in-the-mud. The mere suggestion that Kerrie Ann might be in danger of becoming one, too, was enough to chase away the protest she’d been on the verge of uttering. Besides, Jeremiah was right about one thing: She could afford to skip a meeting now and then. It wasn’t like the NA police were going to hunt her down and arrest her.

Also, she had to admit the prospect of making love was tempting. Jeremiah had never looked more fine, and she couldn’t deny the desire he stirred in her. And since this weekend was going to be devoted to Bella, shouldn’t they carve out some time for just the two of them?

“All right,” she said. “Just this once.”

On Saturday Kerrie Ann rose early, just as the sun was peeking over the horizon. Today was the day she was to pick up her daughter for her visit. She’d waited so long, and now it was finally here! As she tore around the bedroom like a madwoman, she was glad Jeremiah would be doing the driving. In her present state, she’d have been a menace on the road.

“Where’s Snuffie? I have to find Snuffie!” she cried in a panic, kneeling to peer under the bed before darting over to the closet. Snuffie had been her daughter’s favorite stuffed animal when she was a toddler, and Kerrie Ann wanted it to be waiting for Bella when she got to the house. It was the only toy of Bella’s that she’d kept, and now it was missing.

“I’ll look for Snuffie while you get dressed,” said Lindsay, steering her back into the bathroom.

“Okay, yeah, good idea. Thanks.” Kerrie Ann was reminded that she was still in her bathrobe, her hair wet. If she didn’t hurry, she wouldn’t be ready by the time Jeremiah arrived.

She was putting on her makeup when she remembered something else. Peanut butter! She’d forgotten to buy Skippy—the only brand Bella liked. All they had in the house was the chunky organic kind from the health food store. What kind of mother was she, forgetting something as basic as that? She groaned. Her hand was trembling so badly, she nearly jabbed herself in the eye with the wand as she brushed mascara onto her lashes.

When she’d finished applying her makeup and drying her hair, she found Lindsay on her hands and knees in the bedroom, pawing through the contents of the box that had been tucked into the back of the closet. “What is it now?” Lindsay asked in response to the dire look on her face.

“I forgot to get Skippy.”

“I thought it was Snuffie we were looking for.”

“Skippy, as in peanut butter,” Kerrie Ann explained. “It’s the only kind she’ll eat.”

“No big deal. I’ll pick some up. I have to go to the store anyway.”

But Kerrie Ann just stood there, shaking her head and chewing on her lip. “Thanks, but that’s not the point. A good mom would’ve remembered.” What if this was just the first of many such lapses, culminating in her daughter’s slipping away from her altogether?

Lindsay stood up and walked over to her, placing her hands squarely on Kerrie Ann’s shoulders as if to ground her. “You’re a good mom. But even good moms aren’t infallible. Besides, she’ll be so happy to see you, she won’t care about anything else.”

“I just want everything to be perfect, you know?” Kerrie Ann had barely slept a wink the night before. It was so important that this visit go well. Their whole future depended on it.

“It will be,” Lindsay assured her.

She looked tired. It had been two weeks, but she still wasn’t over the shock of Randall’s betrayal. (If you could call it that; Kerrie Ann wasn’t convinced he’d set out to deceive her.) She wore the same haunted look that Kerrie Ann had when she’d come out of rehab. Kerrie Ann was reminded that she wasn’t the only one with problems, and she touched her sister’s arm lightly, saying, “Thanks. You’re a pretty cool sister, you know that?”

A smile broke across Lindsay’s face—the first real smile in days. “Go. I’ll get breakfast ready while you finish getting dressed.” Lindsay spun her around and gave her a gentle push.

By the time Kerrie Ann was ready, there was no time to eat, with Jeremiah due any minute. But her sister had anticipated that as well because she had the food packed up and ready to go. She thrust a bag into Kerrie Ann’s hands. “It’s just fruit and muffins, but it should tide you over until lunchtime. I packed enough for Jeremiah, too. Oh, and I found Snuffie—in Chester’s dog bed. I’ll have him all clean and spiffy by the time Bella gets here.”

A wave of gratitude swept over Kerrie Ann, and she felt her throat tighten. “Thanks,” she said gruffly, almost missing the old days when nothing short of serious pain could get her to cry. Life had been harder then, but at least she hadn’t been forever in danger of puddling up. “Tell Miss Honi when she gets up to dust off that angel collection of hers. I told Bella all about it, and she can’t wait to meet the gang.”

Her sister smiled. “I have a feeling I won’t have to.”

The short beep of a car horn in the driveway sent Kerrie Ann racing out the door.

Jeremiah chattered nonstop on the drive, talking about all the fun things they’d do with Bella this weekend and in the months to come. “We could take her to the San Francisco zoo,” he said. “Bet she’s never seen a live giraffe.”

“Of course she’s seen a live giraffe,” Kerrie Ann replied. “She’s been to the zoo before.” Did Jeremiah think Bella was still a baby or that she’d been on hold all this time?

“Okay, how about the water park?”

“Wrong time of year.” There was still a nip in the air, and she didn’t want Bella catching cold.

He shrugged. “I guess we’ll have to settle for a movie and popcorn, then, at least for tonight. What’s playing at the Rialto?” The Rialto was the lone movie theater in Blue Moon Bay.

“I think it’s a Disney picture.”

“What do you say?” Jeremiah looked pleased to have come up with a good suggestion.