Once (15 page)

“The only two people who can understand a relationship are the two people in it,” he said from somewhere behind me. His shoes clacked against the broken stone floor. “You can't know what that time was like.”

“I know that you lied,” I said. “You lied to everyone.” I stared at our reflections in the glass, the way our noses both slanted a little to the left, our cream-colored skin, the curtains of black lashes that fanned out over our eyes. We stood there, the two of us side by side, looking through ourselves into the small enclosure.

“I was happy when I was with your mother,” he continued. I wasn't quite sure if he was speaking to me or not. He gazed up at the massive animal, his voice clear of anger. “It's hard for me to look at that picture, to see myself then. I was happier than I'd ever been in my life. She always seemed like she was vibrating at a different frequency altogether. She was nearly thirty when I met her. It was right after she'd taken a hiatus from painting.”

I turned to look at him. “I never knew she was a painter,” I said. Our house had slowly faded from memory. I could see only snippets of it—the old grandfather clock that sat in the hall, the beaten gold weights that hung inside it, making its hands move. The glow-in-the-dark stars on my bedroom ceiling, the stain on our couch from where she'd spilled tea. I couldn't remember even a single paintbrush, no canvases or art on the walls. “I learned at School.”

“I know,” he said, not elaborating on how. A smile crossed his lips, and he let out a small laugh. “I was with your mother on my fortieth birthday. She had planned this whole day. We went hiking along the beach, and she brought this miniature chocolate cake she'd made for me. She carried it the whole time, nearly four miles, just so we could eat it up there, overlooking the ocean. And she sang this silly song to me, this—”

“
Today, today
,” I sang, unable to stop myself from smiling, “
is a very special day, today is somebody's birthday
.” I nodded my head, remembering how my mother used to hold my hands while we sang and danced in the living room, sidestepping around the coffee table and armchairs.

I wanted to hate him, tried to remember all the things he had done, tried to picture Arden and Ruby and Pip in that brick building. He was the reason Caleb was in the Outlands, why we couldn't be together. But right then, we shared something that no one else in the world could: my mother. All her quirks, her silly songs, the way her hair smelled like lavender shampoo. He was the only other person who knew.

We walked silently through the corridor. Then he turned to me, leaning down so our eyes met. “I loved your mother. However complicated our situation was, however wrong it probably seems. I loved her. And our relationship gave me you.” He shook his head, his fingers pressing against his temple. “That morning I went to your School, I was excited. I had the same feeling I'd had the day my other children were born. And when we arrived and the Headmistress told us what had happened, that you had left, I immediately ordered the troops to find you. You can think whatever you want, but you're my daughter—the only family I have left. I hated the idea of you out there, in the wild, alone.”

I looked at his face, tense with worry. Then he stepped toward me, bringing me into a hug. For once, I didn't pull away. It was inescapable, irresistible, even after all he'd done. I saw myself every time he held his fingers to his chin when he was thinking, or smiled with his mouth closed. We argued the same way, our words short and even, had the same pale complexion, his hair was once the same dark reddish-brown hair as mine—though his was now peppered with gray. He was part of me, the connection undeniable, no matter how much I fought against it.

“Come now,” the King said after a long while. “Let's get you back to the Palace.” He led me through the long corridor, past enclosures filled with other creatures discovered in the wild—pythons, alligators, a tiger who had escaped from a zoo. We left through a side exit. The sun stung my eyes. Sweat beaded on my skin. A million thoughts rushed into my head as we walked toward the waiting car. But then I stopped, my feet rooted to the ground, the strangeness of the scene revealing itself to me.

Outside the front entrance, a few soldiers had gathered, their guns resting by their sides. They were all looking up at the electronic billboard perched high above the lobby entrance. There, in massive letters, were the words:
AN ENEMY OF THE STATE HAS BEEN SPOTTED INSIDE THE CITY. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? IF SO, ALERT THE AUTHORITIES IMMEDIATELY
.

And below them, a drawing of a face so familiar, it was like looking at my own. Caleb was staring back at me. His height, weight, and build were listed. Descriptions of the scars on his leg and cheek.

I felt as though all the blood had drained from my body. The King's hand was on my arm, urging me toward the car. “Genevieve,” he said under his breath, his eyes fixed on the soldiers in front of the building. “This is not the time. We can discuss this in the Palace.” I barely heard him as I read the last line on the billboard over and over again.

HE IS WANTED FOR THE MURDER OF TWO NEW AMERICAN SOLDIERS.

“I'M NOT FEELING WELL,” I SAID, PULLING THE THICK COVERS
around me. The sun had gone down. The upper floors of the Palace were quiet and dark. Beatrice sat at the end of the bed, her hand resting on the mound of my foot. “Will you bring me something to eat? I'm going to sleep but you can leave it by the door.” I looked away before adding, “Please don't let anyone disturb me tonight, no matter what.”

Beatrice combed my hair, running her fingers over my forehead. “Of course. You've had a very long day.” I squeezed my eyes shut. I kept seeing Caleb's face on that billboard, hearing the soldiers muttering about the traitor who had killed one of their own, about what they would give to witness the execution. They knew he was inside the City walls. I needed to tell him not to come, that it was too dangerous, but there was no way to reach him. He was already moving through the Outlands, snaking down the empty streets to meet me.

“What's troubling you?” Beatrice whispered. She took my hand in hers, cradling it. “You can tell me.”

I looked up at her kind, round face.
I can't
, I thought, knowing how much danger Caleb was already in. They were probably scouring the Outlands for him. “I'm just sick,” I said, trying to smile. “That's all.”

Beatrice kissed the top of my head. “Well, then I better get to it,” she said, standing to go. Then she leaned over, looked directly at me, and pressed her warm palm against my cheek. “I will make sure no one disturbs you. You have my word.” She remained there for a moment. Her brown eyes were alert, serious, like I'd never seen them before.
I know what you're doing
, she seemed to say, never taking her eyes off mine.
And I'll do whatever I can to help you
.

She stood and went into the hall. I kept staring at the door. It didn't shut all the way, and she didn't pull it closed and check the knob like she usually did. Instead it rested lightly on the frame, wood against lock, just slightly ajar.

I moved quickly. I'd hidden the uniform in the toilet tank, letting the plastic bag float on top of the water. I pressed the bathroom door closed and dressed as fast as I could, donning the wrinkled white shirt, the red vest, the black pants. Then I retreated into the hallway, down the east staircase, taking off my shoes so as not to make any sound.

It was still before curfew. The streets were just thinning out. I disappeared into the clusters of workers changing shifts, my stomach churning as I glanced over my shoulder to see if anyone was following me.

People strolled across the overpass, walking arm in arm as they made their way back to their apartment buildings. A Jeep came down the street, two soldiers hanging out of the truck's bed, scanning the sidewalks. I kept my head down, turning right to cross the main road, toward the building Caleb had marked. It was called the Venetian, an old hotel that had been converted into office buildings. A few restaurants had been opened, the gardens had been replanted, and the wide canals were filled with water once more. As I made my way over the arched bridge, a boat glided past, carrying the last of the day's passengers.

I was a few steps from the main entrance when I turned, noticing a figure standing on the dock. She was much shorter than me but wore the same uniform, her curly brown hair pulled away from her face. “Are you waiting for a gondola, Miss?” she asked softly, stepping under an overhang and into the shadows. She paused, waiting for me to respond.

I glanced down at the map, at the
X
Caleb had scribbled right by the dock, and nodded. I followed her to the edge of the water. “You should take off your vest, Eve,” she whispered. As the light reflected off the water I caught glimpses of her delicate hands, the old cameo brooch she wore around her neck. “It'll look odd if one of the workers is out on the water. But keep your hat pulled down over your eyes.”

I took off the vest and handed it to her just as a narrow boat glided past us. Caleb was standing on the stern, wearing a black shirt and white hat that shielded his face. I scanned the crowd leaving the garden, looking for soldiers. “Last ride of the night,” he called out. He steered the boat with a long wooden oar, pausing at the dock so I could get in. Then he pushed off, into the open water, as the last few people meandered out of the Venetian's gardens.

I sat facing him, our eyes meeting as he paddled into the center of the canal, away from where anyone could hear us. We drifted on the clear water, the Venetian's tower lit up behind us. It was a long while before either of us spoke. “They know you're here,” I said. “We shouldn't be doing this. It's too dangerous now. What if someone followed me?”

Caleb scanned the bridge. “They didn't follow you,” he said softly.

My hands were trembling. I tried not to look at him as I spoke. Instead I leaned back against the seat, letting it steady me. “The King might suspect something. Clara saw me leave the other night. Yesterday at the marketplace, she said something in front of him.” I looked at him, pleadingly. “I can't see you again, Caleb. They can't touch me—I'm his daughter. But you'll be killed if we're caught. Your picture is all over the City.”

Caleb dipped the oar in the water, his muscles straining with the effort. The lights danced on the surface of the canal as we glided toward the bridge. “What if I'm killed tomorrow?” he said, pressing his lips together. “What does it matter then? I'm
alive
here, today. I've been to the construction sites and talked to the people in the Outlands. Slowly, they're starting to see there's another way. We're talking about a rebellion. Moss needs me.” He smiled, that smile that I loved, a dimple appearing in his right cheek. “And I like to think you do, too.”

“I want you here,” I said. “Of course I do.”

“Then this is where I want to be.” Caleb turned the oar in the water, steering us. “I can't sit around doing nothing. I already gave you up once before—I won't do it again.”

He was silent for a long while. “Do you know Italy?” he finally asked. I nodded, remembering the country I'd read about in our art history books, where so many masters—Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, Caravaggio—were born.

“I read once that Venice was the most romantic city in the world. That instead of streets there were waterways. That people played violins and danced in the main square, and boats brought them from place to place. I know I can never take you there, but we have this.”

I stared at the golden tower above us, at the glassy canal, at the ornate arches beneath the bridge. The night was quiet. I could only hear the palms rustling in the wind, the boat slicing through the still water.

Caleb stepped down off the stern and came toward me, careful not to throw the boat off balance. “We're here now, together. Let's make the most of it.”

He kept his eyes on me as the boat drifted under the bridge, into darkness. He pressed the oar into the water to slow us. Then he was right there in front of me, his face barely visible as his nose brushed against my cheek, his breath hot on my skin. I leaned my forehead against his. “I'm just scared. I don't want to lose you again.”

“You won't,” he said, taking off my cap. His hand found its way to the base of my neck, his fingers twisting in my hair. I let him hold me, my head resting in his palm. He dragged his fingertips along my spine, massaging my back through my shirt. Then my lips were on his neck, working against the soft muscles until they found their way to his mouth.

His hand stopped at my waist. He tugged gently at the bottom of the uniform shirt, as if asking me a question. He'd never touched me before, not like that, his fingers right against my skin. It was exactly what the Teachers had warned about in all their lessons, of the men who constantly tested your defenses, bulldozing one, then moving on to the next. They all wanted the same thing—to use you until you were all used up.

I'd spent so many years preparing for this moment, just so I could steel myself against it. But it didn't feel like that. Not now—not with Caleb. He was asking for permission, his face mirroring all the nervousness I felt.
I want to be closer to you
, he seemed to say, as he bit down on his bottom lip.
Will you let me?