On to Richmond (31 page)

             
When she finished, she looked up to see Sarah staring at her.  “Is there something wrong with the way I look?” she asked teasingly.

             
“What you doin’ bout your dreams, Miss Carrie?”  Sarah asked suddenly.

             
Carrie stared at her, wondering what had prompted that question.  She recognized the look in Sarah’s eyes, though.  She had something she wanted to say.  Whatever it was, Carrie knew it would be worth hearing.   “My dreams are there, Sarah.  I’m just waiting for the right time to make them come true.  I know I’m supposed to be here for right now.”

             
“You gettin’ scared to leave dis plantation, girl?”

             
Carrie thought for a moment then slowly shook her head.  “I don’t think so.  I’m content for now because I’m where I need to be.  But I dream about the day I can leave.  I dream about going to school to be a doctor.”

             
“You make sure of dat.”  Sarah paused and then continued.  “Sometimes people can think dey have dreams.  Dey can ponder on those dreams - make dem seem like the most important thin’ in the world to dem.  But then dey wait too long to make dem dreams come true. 
Thinkin’
bout dem dreams becomes more important - and safer - dan actually
livin’
dem dreams.  When deir time comes, the dream don’t have ‘nuff power to get past deir fears.”  She stopped, and looked long and hard at Carrie.  “Then dey spend the rest o’ deir life regretting dem dreams passed dem by.  I don’t want dat for you, girl.”

             
“I don’t want that either, Sarah,” Carrie said softly, still wondering why Sarah had picked today to tell her all this. 

             
“You been studyin’ dem books yo’ Aunt Abby sent you?”

             
Carrie flushed and shook her head.  Sarah was talking about the large package of medical books Aunt Abby had sent her just before the mail had stopped.  She had sent a note saying the books would give her a head start until she could leave the plantation.

             
“Why not?” Sarah snapped.

             
“I’ve been so busy,” Carrie protested.  “I barely have time to do the things I have to do.”

             
“Nonsense!”  Sarah said sharply.  Then she leaned forward and fixed Carrie with her eyes.  “You listen to me good, girl.  You done got the healin’ gift.  You got it good.  It ain’t nothin’ you done.  It be a gift from God.  But you better not let dat gift go to waste.  You got to stretch it.  You got to work it.  Dreams are like dat, too.  You got to stretch ‘em.  You got to work ‘em.  Most of the people in this world have dreams, but dey too lazy to make ‘em come true.  Dey want it to be easy.  Big dreams don’t come easy, you  hear me?”

             
Carrie nodded, listening with all her heart.  She had seldom seen Sarah so intense.  She knew she had better listen.

             
Sarah continued.  “I don’t want to hear nothin’ bout being too tired to work on your dream.  You goes ahead and do the thin’s you got to do.  And den you work on dat dream.  God’ll give you the strength to do it when you think you don’t got none.  And another thin’,” she added in a suddenly stern voice.  “Make sure you ain’t fillin’ up yo days with dream killers.”

             
“Dream killers?” 

             
“Dream killers!” Sarah repeated, nodding her head.  “Dey be all those thin’s you think be so infernal important.  You step back and take a look.  Dem thin’s may not be all dat important.  Not if they be robbin’ you of yo’ time to follow yo’ dream.  Dis here plantation will suck you dry if you let it.  Dere always be one more thin’ dat need to be done.  You can one more thing yo’ way right into the death of yo’ dream.”  She paused again.  “You got what I’m sayin’ to you, Miss Carrie?”             

             
Carrie nodded.  “I’ve got it.”  She knew Sarah was right.  She spoke slowly.  “You’re right as usual.  I’ve been letting other things take up my time.  I’ve been waiting until I could leave - not making the most of my time here to prepare for that time.”  Suddenly, all the wasted hours raised their heads to taunt her.  “I’ll start studying tonight, Miss Sarah.  I’ll do all I can to make sure I’m ready for my dream,” she promised. 

             
Sarah nodded her head, obviously satisfied with what she saw on Carrie’s face.  “I believe you,” she said simply.  “Just you remember one more thing.  God be the one dat plants dreams in yo’ heart.  Dem thin’s you think be sent yo’ way to kill yo’ dream?  Dey really be thin’s sent to make you stronger.  Better able to live dat dream.  Don’t you be runnin’ away from the hard times.  Embrace them and suck all you can out of ‘em.”   Then she closed her eyes briefly.  “I’m tired.  I think I’m going to lay down for a little while.”

             
Carrie looked at her in sudden alarm.  She had never in her life heard Sarah say she was going to lie down in the middle of the day.  “Are you all right?” she asked anxiously.

             
Sarah opened her eyes and barked a laugh.  “I’m right as rain,” she said.  “Can’t a old lady get some rest if she needs it?”

             
Carrie nodded, trying to ignore the uneasiness she felt deep inside. 

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

             
Rose looked up in surprise as she heard the sound of hoofbeats behind her.  “You going riding again, Carrie?”

             
Carrie nodded as she pulled back on the reins and brought Granite to a halt.  “I’ve got some thinking to do.  As usual, your mama gave me a lot to ponder.  I always listen...”  She paused for a long minute.  “This time somehow felt different.  Like she was trying to open my heart so she could pour her words and feelings right into it.”  She shook her head.  “There was something about her intensity...”  Again she paused.  “Anyway, I’m going to take a ride and let what she said sift around in my head.”  Raising her hand, she moved Granite into a trot.  “See you later,” she called over her shoulder.

             
Rose watched her for a moment and then continued walking.  She was on her way to her mama’s .  One of the children had come running up to her at the house and told her that her mama wanted her.  There had been nothing about the child’s face to alarm her.  Her mama probably just needed something done.  Rose had noticed she hadn’t seemed as strong lately.

             
“Hello, mama,” she said cheerfully as she walked through the door.  “Hannah said you wanted to see me.”

             
Sarah, from where she was seated in her rocking chair next to the crude window, nodded.  “Yep.” 

             
Rose walked over and took the chair across from her.  “You look tired, mama,” she said with a sudden anxiety.  Suddenly she noticed how hot and still the cabin was.  The only sound was the buzzing of flies.  “Why don’t we go sit outside?  There is more of a breeze there.”

             
Sarah shook her head firmly.  “I be all right, girl.  And what I gots to be sayin’ be best said without listenin’ ears pokin’ in.”

             
Rose sat back in surprise.  “What do you want to tell me, Mama?”  Now she felt even more anxious.

             
Sarah gazed at Rose tenderly for a long moment, her hands resting easily in her lap.  “You been the best daughter a body could ever hope to have, Rose.”

             
Rose didn’t know what to say.  “Thank you,” she finally murmured.  She knew without a shadow of a doubt that her mama loved her, but she didn’t usually tell her right out. 

             
Sarah continued to stare at her for several minutes.  The silence built in the cabin.  She seemed to finally make up her mind about something.  “I got somethin’ I want to tell you.”  Her voice was grave and quiet.

             
Rose sat silently, having no idea what her mama could have to say that would make her so serious.  She had never seen her quite like this - with the mix of fear, determination and sorrow shining from her eyes. 

             
“You wouldn’t remember nothin’ ‘bout Old Marse Cromwell,” she began.  “The one who be Miss Carrie’s granddaddy.”

             
Rose shook her head.   Old Master Cromwell had died when she was still very young.

             
“He wadn’t much like Carrie’s daddy.  He treated us slaves all right, but he didn’t have no trouble usin’ the whip if he thought it be needed.  And he didn’t always limit his time in bed to bein’ with his wife.”  She paused a moment, seeming to remember.  “Course, that still happens a lot now.  When a man owns you, he figures he can do with you what ‘ere he wants.  Old Marse Cromwell that the way he figured.”

             
Rose stared at her, wondering where in the world she was going with this.  Why was she telling her this? 

             
Sarah continued.  “When I first done got to dis plantation, I didn’t look old like I do now.  People done used to tell me I was right nice to look at,” she said with a smile, but then her expression turned sad.  “Well, Old Marse must’ve thought the same thin’.  Me and John, we’d just got married, but dat didn’t stop Old Marse from comin’ down to my cabin one day.  I was sick with a little fever and wadn’t workin’ in the field dat day.  John wadn’t nowhere around.  I reckon Old Marse knowed dat.”  She stopped and took a deep breath.

             
Rose held her breath, sure she knew what was coming next. 

             
“Anyway, Old Marse had his way with me dat day.  I tried to stop him, but he just laughed at me. Told me he could do what he wanted with what was his.  Told me the whip was waitin’ for me if I thought I would like dat better.”

             
Rose fought to hold back the tears at the look of pain on her mama’s face.  Sarah’s eyes were glazed with remembering. 

             
“When John got home dat night I didn’t tell him.  I was afraid of what he would do.  And I was afraid of the whip for him.”   She paused again, almost as if she couldn’t go on. But then she continued.  “Den not too many weeks later, I come up pregnant.  My John be so excited.  He always wanted childrun.   He be willin’ to take the chance of being separated from dem even though it broke his heart to think dey might be sold away from us.  He wanted childrun - lots o’ dem,” she said, her voice trailing off to a whisper.

             
All Rose could do was to sit and listen. 

             
Sarah took a deep breath as if to steady her nerves.  “Miss Carrie’s mama was the one who helped deliver you, Rose.   You and your brother...”

             
Rose jerked forward in the chair.  “My brother...?  What are you talking about, Mama?  You didn’t ever tell me I had a brother,” she cried.  “You mean to tell me I was a twin?”

             
Sarah nodded, asking her with her eyes to hear it all.  “Yes, Rose, you was a twin.  Dere was two of you.  Two fine babies!”

             
“What happened?  Did my brother die right away?  Why didn’t you tell me?”

             
Sarah continued as if she hadn’t heard her questions.  “Miss Abigail was smiling when you done come out, Rose.  You was the first baby.  It was easy to tell right at the first dat you was going to be a beautiful girl.”  She smiled, remembering.  Then her smile faded.  “I was surprised as anyone when I felt another baby comin’.  I was excited, too.  Ain’t too many twins born ‘round here.  Den I saw Miss Abigail’s face.  She wadn’t smilin’ no more.  First I thought my baby be sick or somethin’ wrong with him.  She didn’t say nothin’ at all - just held my baby boy up so I’s could see him.  I think if she could have got him out of the room without my laying a eye on him, she would have.” 

             
“But why, Mama?”  Rose felt as if her world was spinning.  She knew the truth, but she couldn’t bring herself to admit it. 

             
Sarah smiled slightly.  “Dat baby boy be as white as Miss Carrie.  He even had blue eyes peering up at me.”

             
Reality hit Rose like a sledgehammer.  “My daddy isn’t really my daddy?” she whispered in shocked disbelief.  “Your John isn’t my daddy?”