On Thin Ice 2 (3 page)

“
I watched the game from the dressing room. I cried. For the first time in my adult life, I cried as the trainer helped me take off my equipment. They wanted me to go to the hospital straight away, but I refused. I had to watch the game. They scored with two minutes to go to take the lead. We lost. We lost the Stanley Cup. I let my team down.”

“You can’t have let them
down, you couldn’t have expected to get injured.”

“I know. I kept telling myself that,
everyone kept telling me that, but I still felt guilty. It was a freak accident, it wasn’t the other player’s fault, but I blamed myself nonetheless. I still do.”

“I understand. I completely understand,” I replied, my own feelings mirroring
his own. I knew exactly how he felt, blaming himself. I knew absolutely exactly how he felt.

“I watched
Henrik Sedin hoist the Stanley Cup on the TV in the locker room, and I cried. He passed it to his brother, he passed it to Corey Schneider, then the whole team got the Cup. I watched as they skated around the rink with it. They had home ice advantage. Their fans were cheering like nothing else. It absolutely destroyed me to see. That was supposed to be me, and while the Vancouver Canucks were skating around, hoisting the Stanley Cup above them, I was in so much pain I couldn’t even stand up. I never even got the chance to help my team win it. I let them down. I let them down when it counted the most. I was the captain, and there I was, watching the captain of the other team kiss the cup.”

He was close to tears just telling me about it, I could tell.

“I eventually went to the hospital. That’s when they gave me the painkillers. Oh boy, did that kill the pain. It made me stop feeling anything, and that was way better than what I’d been feeling before. So, I kept taking them. And I took them more and more. I just wanted to forget. I needed to forget. When my best friend, our goalie, Ben, figured out what was going on, he encouraged me to get help, but I refused. So, he went to the team doctors. They told me I had to come here. I was going to refuse, but then the team held an intervention. I realized how much those guys meant to me, and I came. But I’m still not going to play hockey again. I can’t go through that again. I just... I just can’t.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I rested my head on Daniel’s shoulder as he dealt with his inner demons. Eventually, I spoke.

“Thanks for telling me your story. I know you feel like you’re the only one who’s ever gone through this, but believe me, I know exactly what you were feeling. I know what you went through. I know the despair you felt at losing something more important to you than anything, and your complete lack of desire to continue on afterwards.”

“Yeah.
Yeah, I can tell you do. It’s tough, you know? It’s fucking tough. When I lost us the match out there, that’s what it reminded me of. My knee gave out and I didn’t have a chance to get at the ball. I freaked out completely. It just reminded me of everything I felt, every single ounce of pain that ran through me as I watched my team lose the Stanley Cup. I just wanted pills. I wanted to down as many as I had to in order to forget again. I wanted them more than anything in that moment.”

“I know. I know exactly how you feel. Alcohol made me numb. It made me forget, and I didn’t want to remember. It will get better. You will learn to live with the emotion. I promise you that, but it’s never easy.”

Suddenly, I let out a small cry as I looked down at Daniel’s leg. I hadn’t realized that there was blood pouring down it. He must have hurt it when he fell to the ground. It wasn’t like one of his major arteries had been hit, but there was definitely a good amount of blood. I couldn’t believe I didn’t notice it before, I must have been so wrapped up in his story.

“I didn’
t realize you were bleeding,” I exclaimed, jumping up to find a first aid kit. I knew there had to be one around here somewhere, we were in a gym, after all. I found it on a shelf near the exit and quickly came back with it to Daniel.

“Don’t worry,
it’s fine. It doesn’t hurt on the outside nearly as much as on the inside.”

“No, but you’re still losing way too much blood to just leave it there bleeding.”

I opened the box and grabbed a large bandage, which I pressed to the wound.

“Keep that there until the bleeding stops, I’ll be right back,” I ordered, grabbing a small cloth from the kit and going into the change room.

When I came back with my cloth, which was now wet, Daniel was still obediently holding the bandage to his leg.

“Has the bleeding stopped?” I asked.

“I think so, mostly,” he replied, moving the bandage aside so I could have a look. Sure enough, the bleeding had basically ebbed, only a tiny amount of red still leaked from the wound. I took my cloth and very carefully cleaned the wound, making sure there were no little bits of rock or anything still inside of Daniel.

I grabbed some antibiotic cream from the kit and gently
spread a thin layer of it across the wound. I was all too aware of Daniel’s eyes watching me as I stroked his skin, and I could feel my own body reacting in a way I didn’t want it to.

When I was finished,
I took a fresh bandage from the kit and wrapped it around the wound.

“Good. You should be fine. Take these extra bandages and change it every day, then in a few days take the bandage off complet
ely and let the wound air heal.”

“Thank you doctor,” Daniel replied with a grin, and I realized just how close we were to one another. The tension between
us was palpable. I could feel the electricity between us, I could feel my lips moistening, and other parts of me moistening as well. I could feel the heat radiating off him, and as he moved his head closer to mine, I moved in as well.

He was
intoxicating, there was no way to resist him. I didn’t want to resist him. Fuck the consequences. I wanted Daniel, and I wanted him now.

When he was only inches away from me, he suddenly pulled away.

“I’m sorry, Kylie. We shouldn’t do this. We can’t do this.”

“I know,” I sighed, pulling away.

“You’re so god damned good at what you do,” Daniel told me. “I know you bit my head off last time, but I honestly think you should think about becoming a doctor again.”

A shadow passed through my eyes.
Memories flashed before me, the pain of them hitting me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t become a doctor anymore. I just couldn’t. Not after what happened.

I shook my head slowly.

“No. No, I can’t.”

“But why not?
You’ve told me I should go back to playing hockey, isn’t this the same thing for you?”

“Yes, but you don’t get it. I watch you play sports. I see the fire of competition inside of you. I see that need you have to win, to have it all.”

Daniel smiled and shook his head. “You don’t get it either, then. I see you help me. I see you do whatever you can to help me with my knee. I saw you with Amanda the other day. You’re different when you’re healing people, Kylie. I can tell you were meant to do it. I know you don’t want to anymore, that whatever happened to you made you want to quit, but I can also see that you’ve still got just as much fire in you as before. I guess maybe we both do.”

I thought about what Daniel was saying. It made sense in a way. But still, I knew what I had gone through. I didn’t want to become a doctor anymore. After all, how could I?
After what had happened, I wasn’t able to heal people. I knew that. I couldn’t become a doctor.

I shook my head slowly.

“No, I know what you’re saying Daniel, but it won’t happen. I won’t become a doctor. I can’t. I just can’t face it.”

“Maybe not now.
But please keep it in mind, Kylie. Thanks for the first aid,” he added with a wink, getting up. “I guess I should go apologize to Sara and Nathan for storming off the court like that. I’ll see you later, ok?”

“Yeah.”

When Daniel left, I sat around for a while, thinking. He was wrong. He was absolutely wrong. There was a major difference between us: Daniel was incredible at sports. I, on the other hand, the person who had dedicated her life to healing people, had done the opposite. No, Daniel didn’t know the whole story. If he did, he would change his mind. I knew he would.

Still, the fact that he made me think of these things worried me. What had happened to the Kylie that spent her days in a depressed funk, not thinking about anything except the guilt that ravaged her constantly?

I realized as I sat there that it had been days, maybe even weeks since I’d just sat on my bed, staring at the ceiling and punishing myself for that night. It was all because of Daniel. Ever since he’d shown up, I was, well, I was happy. I couldn’t believe that one person could do that to me, and I wasn’t sure I liked it. I had accepted my fate. I was going to be lonely, depressed and guilt-ridden for the rest of my life. And yet here came Daniel, and in an instant I changed. I actually felt
happy
when I was around him. I had relegated happiness to being one of those things I would never feel again. And yet, I couldn’t help it. I enjoyed every second I spent with him.

I wondered what was happening to me. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just keep living the depressed life I had accustomed myself to?

* * *

I didn’t see Daniel for a few days after that time in the gym. I wanted to give my body some time to cool off,
my mind some time to refresh itself. I wouldn’t be lying if I said I was avoiding him. Daniel was shattering the reality I had created for myself, forcing me to rethink things I had long ago decided weren’t in my future.

Finally, we saw each other at group therapy, and after the session with Doctor Emma, Daniel called out to me in the hallway. I stopped.

“Hey, Kylie. Listen, can I talk to you?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Cool. I have some pretty big news. Can we go somewhere private?”

I nodded. We ended up outside in the courtyard, sitting under a big tree providing us some shade on the hot summer’s day.
The light breeze ran through my hair as I looked at Daniel. His eyes seemed to shine, I could tell the news he had was important.

“I’ve decided to go through with the surgery.
I’m going to get me knee fixed.”

“Really?
That’s fantastic.”

“Yeah.
I spent the night I saw you thinking about it, and I think you’re right. I want to give it another shot. I will win that Stanley Cup. Next year it’s going to be mine.”

“I’m really glad to hear that. When are you going to have the surgery?”

“Next Tuesday. I’ve got a physio from the team coming in daily helping me do the pre-surgery rehab workouts, so that should reduce my recovery time afterwards. I wanted to ask you, Kylie, if you’d be willing to come with me when I get the surgery done.”

“Really?
Me? Of course, but why?”

“Because without you I never would have considered doing this.
I thought about what you said a few days ago. I’ve thought about what you’ve been saying, and you’re right. I want to do this. I want to do it for my teammates, I want to do it for you, and I want to do it for me. Hockey is the most important thing in my life, and I’m not going to let a freak accident make me give it up completely.”

To my surprise, I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes. I was actually tearing up listening to Daniel speak. Even as he told me about his plan, I could feel the intensity inside of him growing.
I could feel that fire which was there as he spoke about his recovery, the way he wanted to treat it aggressively, so he could be on the ice as soon as possible. I regretted more than ever that we couldn’t be together. I wanted to wrap my arms around him. I wanted to kiss him, to make him mine completely. I wanted to take him, right here in the middle of the courtyard, bouncing on top of him as the wind ran through my hair and he looked up at me from the grass he lay on...

I forced those thoughts from my head.
This was actually really good news. I had hoped Daniel would go through with his surgery, and now he was going to. He was going to try and make a comeback in hockey, and he wanted
me
there with him at the hospital.

“Thanks for asking me to be with you during your surgery.”

“No problem. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think it would be best for both of us.”

I didn’t ask what he meant by that, but my mind immediately thought about the fact that I was going to have to get a day pass to be allowed to leave the clinic. I knew in reality there probably wouldn’t be too many problems. I had already been here longer than most people, and I think Doctor Emma knew that I wanted to stay here more for the rest of my mental issues rather than simply my alcoholism.

Still, the next day when I went to ask for a letter from her to give to the head of the clinic, in order to get my pass to leave on the day of Daniel’s surgery, I was nervous. I stood outside the door of her office for a few seconds before finally pressing my knuckles to the hard wood and knocking.

“Come in!” came Doctor Emma’s voice from inside. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes for an instant,
then opened the door.