On the Verge (31 page)

“I hope Blake shows up,” says Tabitha. The sight of physical affection between anyone makes her need to have her own man present. Blake is some British actor.

“I hope Matt shows up,” says Adrian. Of course I haven’t heard anything about him and I guess he’s being tight-lipped with Tabitha, too. Tabitha looks at me, waiting to see if I mention Rob.

“I invited him, but he’s working late.”

“Who’s that?” Todd asks. I am sitting between him and Roseanne.

“It’s Eve’s sugar daddy!” Roseanne gets too excited. I hoist up her neckline. It’s her birthday, I guess she’s entitled.

“Is that what you like, Eve?” Todd looks so serious. I don’t know what to say.

“He’s not even rich, they’re just being stupid.”

“Oh, is this the guy that didn’t come to the New Year’s Eve party?” Why must Todd be such a dick? I have to believe it’s just because he’s still holding a torch for me.

“He happened to be away on business that day.” Blake shows up and so does Adrian’s boyfriend, Matt. Todd bumps my knee under the table.

“All a farce, trust me.”

“Well, you
are
the expert on the gay man.”

We’ve been ordering bottles of wine left and right and I’m starting to lose track of how much I’m drinking. I notice that it seems
like everyone is kind of paired up, which puts me in with Todd, which is totally weird. I wonder if he notices it, too.

We decide to go dancing, we are all drunk enough to think this a good idea. I borrow Tabitha’s phone to leave Rob a message. I half expect to get Sherman, but it’s too late on a Friday. Todd is listening to me.

I hop in the cab with Pete, Roseanne and Todd. Adrian and I have been staying clear of each other all night. I wonder what he’s told his new man about me. I sit in the front with the driver and ask him how his night is going. He’s from Tunisia. He tells me he owns several cabs, he’s an entrepreneur. Maybe I should set him up with Tabitha.

When we get to the place Tabitha is waiting for us. The rest already got in because Matt knew the bouncer. “I think he’s a keeper,” Tabitha says, referring to Matt. “Did you know he’s a party planner?”

We know we’ll have no trouble getting in, but because we’re with the boys we have to wait on the line. Tabitha sweet-talks the bouncer. He is stoned, but she whispers something in his ear. He smiles.

“Okay guys, you five.” He lifts up the rope and waves us in, as only a bouncer can do. Tabitha tells us she’ll be in in a minute. The bouncer yells in to the cashier, pointing at Roseanne, “Comp this girl in the black dress!”

Blake scored a big table, with cushy couches, which Roseanne plops into immediately. Adrian and Matt are already dancing. Matt’s pretty hot. Tabitha comes out holding a big drink tray covered with Krispy Kreme donuts and burning candles. It just might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Adrian and Matt jump behind her singing “Happy Birthday” and we all join in louder than the music.

“How did you get these?” I ask Tabitha after Roseanne blows out the candles.

“I told the cabbie to step on it,” Tabitha says, starting her second donut.

“Let’s dance,” says Roseanne, pulling us both onto the dance floor. Okay, I know I’m drunk because I don’t give a shit, I’m flailing my arms and getting low and before I know it’s a reggae song. When I look up, I realize that the girls are now dancing with their respective partners and Todd is still at the table with a cuddling Adrian and Matt.

I gesture Todd over and he puts his hand on his chest and
mouths, “Me?” I nod and wink at him. We laugh. When he comes over, I dance around him thinking I can shock him a little, but he grabs me and starts moving like he’s in control. It’s just like when I was dancing with Joe at the Christmas party. I feel myself letting go, but Todd is looking into my eyes and I can’t help but be embarrassed.

“Where did you learn to dance like this?” He shrugs. I am flirting with Todd. This is too easy and it’s not fair to Todd. But, I’m such a sucker for attention. There is a way he has of looking at me that like wraps up all this history. Like I’m still the girl who lived down the hall from him freshman year, only much much more. It’s not easy to have someone hang on your every word, except he’s dancing with me like he doesn’t care, like he’s sure of himself, like he knows he can wow me. He is.

We shut the place down. We’ve all bought Roseanne at least two shots each and she has her head in Pete’s lap. I am going to have to give her (them?) my bedroom.

Adrian and Matt are ready to go home. Matt gives me a big hug before he gets in the cab. He’s super smooth, I doubt he’ll remember my name tomorrow, unless of course Adrian rants about what a bitch I am. Adrian lowers himself to give me another official New York Kiss, much like you might give a co-worker you absolutely despise. Whatever. I wave goodbye to the cab.

Tabitha wants to stop at Cafeteria for some late-night grub, so I drop Rosie and Pete off at our place and walk down 7th Avenue with Todd. Everything is sort of fuzzy, I can’t really remember the cab ride. At some point I realize we are holding hands. I don’t know why and I let go as soon as we get to the restaurant.

“I shouldn’t be eating this late,” I keep saying. I could swear Tabitha is giving Blake a hand job under the table. What’s going on? I am going to try calling Rob again. Wait! I can’t do it in front of Todd.

“Tabitha, want to hit the bathroom?”

“Yeah, I need to wash my hands.” She smiles at Blake. I can’t believe her.

In the bathroom, I try Rob’s numbers, home and work, but I keep getting the numbers mixed up. I’m having trouble seeing. Tabitha keeps chattering about her new lipsticks, she mixed two together and she loves the way it looks.

“What are you going to do, Eve, go all the way up to his place? You’re in no condition to do that. I thought you were working it with Todd.”

“No, we are just friends. I feel sick.”

“Oh, Mother of God, are you okay?” Tabitha starts splashing water in my face getting it all over the sink and my shirt. Never let a drunk person assist another drunk.

“Okay, okay, Tabitha, I got it. Relax.” She is holding on to the sink.

“Let’s eat our burgers and go.” Shit! I totally forgot about the burger. I can’t eat mine. I take two bites and give it to Todd.

“I got to go,” Tabitha, says throwing some money on the table and grabbing Blake. “It’s 5:30.”

We watch from the window as she hops in a cab. We get the check and stumble the five blocks back home. Todd lies down on the couch. I pull off my shoes and he starts to rub my feet. I’m just going to sit here a minute.

I wake up to Todd moving his hands over my back. Shit! Where are we? Okay on the couch. We’re still in our clothes. What the hell? Things start coming back to me. After he rubbed my feet I said that I just wanted to lay down on the couch for a minute. I must have passed out. Then, at some point, I remember he got up and got a blanket and he came back and lay down next to me.

What the fuck am I doing? Oh, my God! He keeps rubbing my back. I half open an eye, and he looks really cute. He’s holding me so tight and it’s nice. But, why?

I know if I get up my head will be pounding, so I lay there. I entertain the idea of hooking up with him. More and more of the night keeps coming back to me. I think about how we were dancing, how much fun it was. But I got a man, right? I never got in touch with Rob. But if I kiss Todd now, that’s a big deal. He likes me, but it’s not a good idea. It will fuck everything else, besides, he lives in Atlanta. I am not going to do a long distance thing and I can’t cheat on Rob. I don’t even know what our status is, last month I was ready to use the big commercialized L word with him, and now Todd’s hands are so nice.

It’s too much for me. Too many drunk thoughts. I go back to sleep.

When I next open my eyes, Todd is staring at me. It’s pretty bright in the living room. I feel sort of nauseated. I should have had water before I went to bed.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hi.” This is too weird. He tugs my hair and then we sort of have to disengage. Now we’re sober there’s no excuse for this. “What time is it?”

“It’s like 3:00.”

“So, last night was pretty crazy, huh?” He’s testing the waters. This is why it’s bad to get involved (or even think about getting involved) with your friends. You have to act stupid and make like everything was the result of some drunken mistake.

“Yeah, from what I can remember of it.” I’d say that puts me in the clear.

“Hey, guys.” Roseanne comes out wearing my robe. Todd and I sit up.

“Wow, you guys are still in your clothes, when did you get in?”

“Pretty late,” I say, ignoring her look. “I didn’t really think I could make it up to the sleep loft.”

“Good plan. I was totally sick this morning.” Pete comes out like the cat who ate the canary. I’m just glad we didn’t get as far as they did. That’s got to mean some super banal conversation. Pete seems a little more talkative than usual. Apparently, he had water last night.

“So, should we get a birthday breakfast?”

This of course turns out to be an early dinner. Then we get a video and crash until Tabitha calls us at 8:30. She wants us up and out by 10:00. She is cracking the whip because Matt is hosting a party for some company at a club in midtown. Not my idea of fun, but Tabitha promises that everything will be free. I doubt Todd wants to spend his weekend in New York asleep on our living room floor watching TV. Pete wants to head back to his house to change and shower and he takes Todd with him. We all agree to meet up at the place at 10:30 and screw Tabitha if she gets pissed.

The sketchy thing is Todd and I kind of stagger out so Roseanne can walk Pete down and they have a chance to have a proper goodbye. “You’re definitely going later, right?” Todd asks.

“Yeah, definitely.” I smile. What am I committing myself to? This is weird. It’s like he wants to kiss me, but he goes downstairs. If only Rob would call me.

Roseanne returns from her Big Red kiss goodbye with Pete. She is glowing. I laugh at her. “Is this how it feels to be twenty-four?”

“No.” She does this little twirl. “Being twenty-four makes me feel sick to my stomach. Or maybe it was all that tequila, but this, this is how it feels to finally get the goods from the guy. Shoot, I’m starting to talk like you. I can’t wait to see him later. What’s going on with you…and Todd?”

“Nothing. We just passed out, that’s all.”

This party is like a million other parties we’ve been to—a bunch of people we don’t know, most of whom we don’t care to know, while we scarf up as much free food and drink as we can get our hands on.

On most nights, I’m happy to just be chilling with my group, but tonight I feel off my game somehow. I don’t have any bad premonitions, but just this sad feeling, like everyone around me is happy and I can’t find it. Todd is into me, asking me how I’m feeling and telling me he likes my outfit. I just want to be left alone. Plus, Tabitha’s friend Nicole is there and I have to be all fake, like I give a shit. Todd keeps saying things that everyone finds hysterical. I can’t stand to hear Nicole laughing at him. I excuse myself and go to one of the phone booths. The best thing about cell phones is that there is rarely a line for the public phones anymore. I want to call Rob, but I forgot to bring any change so I sit there.

Tabitha comes by on the way to the bathroom. If I thought any quicker I would have picked up the phone and pretended to be talking, but instead I look like a dork. “Hey, what are you doing, Eve?”

“Nothing, Tabitha, I’m fine, really, I just wanted to be alone, you know.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just getting a little sick of all the people, probably because I partied too much last night.” It’s always easier to blame everything on alcohol.

“Yeah, we’re leaving soon. Maybe hit another bar, if you’re up for it. Are you worrying about your mom?”

“Look I just want to sit in here for a minute. Quietly.” I am the biggest bitch ever, but Tabitha, who once held that title, accepts it. It is so unlike her to be nurturing. I sit there for a while watching all the skinny girls in tight black dresses go by me. I used to think those bars on the Upper East Side were all full of people who looked the same way, but tonight it seems I’m crowded by cool people clones. I can’t stay in here anymore, I don’t want to be alone.

When I get back to my group of cool people clones, it’s only Todd and Tabitha who notice I’ve been gone. I can’t blame Roseanne because it’s apparent that she and Pete are getting along really well; I’m not going to bust up their groove with my unex
plained depression. Todd puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes.

“I think we’re going to go somewhere quieter,” he yells in my ear.

“Cool.”

We head to a bar nearby. Among all the dives, we head straight for the most upscale bar/restaurant. The hostess tells us we can sit at a large round table even though we aren’t getting food.

I feel like I can relax here, because now it’s just us. Again, we all seem to be paired up. This time it’s Roseanne and Pete, Nicole and her new man Drew, and Tabitha and Blake. Once again, Todd and I are paired up together.

“So, how’s work treating you?”

“Like a dog treats a fire hydrant. We’re going through all these changes. I don’t even know what they mean—and honestly I don’t even care. We’re ‘reorganizing.”’

“Have you let anyone see your stuff?” Great question, Todd.

“Well, not in a while. At first I sent article proposals to like every magazine, but lately I haven’t exactly been proactive. They all use the freelancers they know. Anyway, it’s tough to break in.”

“Yeah, I’m really glad I’m not creative. I just get a task and do it.” It occurs to me that Todd sees me as a creative type, because of all those articles I used to write for our school newspaper. Anyone who met me in New York would see me as just another schmuck living on another stupid dream. I don’t see why I can’t find the positive tonight but I can’t. Pete hands me a drink.

“Todd, sometimes I sit at work and I can feel my brain slowly being sucked out of my head.” I’m getting sadder and sadder. I sense that he can see it.