On the Surface (In the Zone) (26 page)

Chapter Thirty-Five

Tim was sitting in the rental car trying to work up some anger at what Waverly had said, when he got a call from Stephanie.

At least, he thought it was Stephanie.

“Uncle Dim!” It was Rachel. “Mom told me you were here and I want you to come to see me play in the finals.”

“Slow down there, Rach. What finals? What are you talking about?” Tim made a mental note to strangle his sister for putting him in this awkward position. He hadn’t alerted his parents or her that he was going to be in town, but Stephanie knew he visited Mollie’s grave on her birthday and purposely let Rachel know so she could pester him about seeing her play hockey. All he wanted was a quiet couple of days to remember and honor his daughter and, yes, indulge in a little self-pity.

“My team beat all the other city teams except for this last one. If we beat them, we win the trophy.”

“Holy crap. That’s great,” he said, genuinely surprised. “When is the game?” he asked, with no intention of attending.

“It’s tomorrow. Please, Uncle Dim. Please come. I’m really good now.”

“If you’re playing in the championships, you’re obviously good.”

“Uncle Dim, I’m serious. I need you to come. I need you to be there in person so the guys will finally shut up about it.”

“Hold on. Shut up about what?” he asked, alert now.

She sighed loudly. “Hold on. I’m going in the other room.”

In the background, he could hear his sister ask where she was going.

“I just want to talk to him privately,” Rachel said.

Tim couldn’t get over how grown-up she sounded now. It seemed like only yesterday she was learning to speak in complete sentences. He did some mental math and remembered she was eight now. Shit.

“What could you possibly have to say to your uncle that needs to be private?” his sister asked.

Rachel didn’t respond. He could picture her and her mother having a little staring contest. He had to admit, he was wanted to know too.

A moment later, Rachel said, “Okay, I’m back,” but she spoke quietly.

“Okay, so tell me what the guys are saying.”

Rachel sighed again. “They don’t believe you’re my uncle. A long time ago when I made the team, I told them that my uncle played for the NHL and they didn’t believe me.”

“Didn’t your coach say anything to them? Doesn’t he back you up?”

“Yes, the coach told them it’s true, but when he’s not around, they say the coach
has
to act like he believes me because that’s his job. Actually, it’s mostly Eric who says that. He says I’m a liar and I’m making it all up, and because he’s captain, everybody just goes along with whatever he says.”

“Those jerks,” Tim said, getting riled up now. This kid Eric was a little shithead who needed a good lecture on what being captain of the team meant and Tim had half a mind to give it to him personally.

“I know. And they tease me. About being a girl. They say girls don’t play in the NHL so I should just go do figure skating instead.” He heard her voice waver, but she got herself together quickly. “I think they’re saying that because I’m better than they are and they have to say stuff like that to make themselves feel better.”

“I think you’re right on the money there,” he said. “So you just keep playing your ass off—excuse my French—and show them they’re the ones who should go do figure skating.”

She giggled. “Ass is a bad word, Uncle Dim.”

“I know. Don’t tell your parents I said that.”

“I won’t.” She paused. “
If
you come to my game.”

That little blackmailing rascal
. He laughed, impressed by her wiliness. It felt good to laugh. He felt as if he hadn’t laughed in ages. Certainly not since before the Pancake Chow Down.

“Come on. I need you to come so I can make them admit they were wrong,” she said in a determined tone. “Especially Eric.”

Even though it meant changing his flight, he thought about going to the game. He’d never watched Rachel play hockey before, not even on video. He’d seen other little kids her age play at personal appearances but because he didn’t know those kids, he’d been able to handle it. Rachel was another story. He loved his niece. She was a terrific kid—smart, funny, a real go-getter, but he’d had to keep his emotional distance.

Just after Mollie had died, he hadn’t been able to look at three-year-old Rachel without feeling gut-wrenching pain. Worse, he’d had horrible, despicable thoughts wondering why Rachel was spared. Why did she get the chance to live and grow up and do all the things Mollie never would? It was fucked up, that thinking, but that’s the way it was back then. He’d been angry and constantly on the verge of a meltdown.

It had been a couple of years before his heart had mended enough for him to spend time with her, smile at her, be more like the kind of uncle she deserved. She had two other uncles on her dad’s side—great guys, the ones who had helped build that backyard ice rink—so Tim had told himself that he wasn’t depriving her of a great uncle experience. But Josh and Brian weren’t hockey players and Rachel lived for hockey, just like Tim had when he was a kid.

He had to admit, she was a feisty thing and he respected the hell out of her determination, her smarts and her ability to take all that shit her team had been throwing at her without flinching or backing down. He decided that not only did that display of strong character deserved a reward, the little pricks on her team needed to be taken down a peg, along with their little prick captain. Both tasks would be satisfying in different ways.

“Please, Uncle Dim. Please come. I’ll never ask you for anything ever again.”

Smiling at the melodrama in her voice, he asked, “Okay. Let me get this straight. You want me to come to your game so bad that you’re willing to forfeit all future favors from me for the rest of your life?”

No hesitation. “
Yes.
”

“Then count on me to be there.”

Chapter Thirty-Six

Erin drove home in a daze. Earlier that day, she’d finally been offered a position in labor and delivery. She could now look forward to being part of a team that brought babies into the world, supported women through one of the most amazing experiences of their lives and shared in the joy as family members welcomed their newest addition. She should be ecstatic. All her training, all the waiting had finally paid off. And yet, all she felt was numb.

It wasn’t hard to figure out why. She still had a decision to make about Tim, probably the most difficult decision she’d ever had to make. She loved babies. She’d always looked forward to having some of her own. But that happy and attainable scenario had always included a husband who loved her and whom she loved in return.

Maybe getting the transfer clearance was Fate’s consolation prize.
Well
,
Erin
,
sorry the man of your dreams doesn’t want children.
But hey
,
you can live vicariously through all these other moms.
Hope that’ll do.

Trouble was she didn’t know if she could settle for that.

She stopped at a signal, the CityView building in the near distance, a sleek, grayish-blue tower of glass rising above the streets. Ever since getting engaged, she’d stayed at Tim’s place almost exclusively. There really was a lot to be said about living in luxury, and Tim’s home was so cozy and comfortable to her now. When he wasn’t there, she could still feel his presence. Well,
usually
she could feel his presence. This trip was different. Since they’d parted at the airport, he’d texted her three times.

Got
here
safely
.
I’ll
be
back
Saturday
.
I
love
you
.

I
miss
you
a
lot
.
I
love
you
,
Dream
Girl
.

I’m
staying
one
more
day
.
Rachel
wants
me
watch
her
win
the
All
-
City
Mite
Championship
.
Couldn’t
say
no
.
I
love
you
.
I
miss
you
.
I
wish
you
were
here
.

But they hadn’t talked. He was giving her the space to make her decision. Decisions, plural now.

Did she go ahead and transfer to labor and delivery? At one time it had been a given. Now, she wasn’t sure.

As the entrance to the CityView building appeared, she impulsively drove past it. Tim wasn’t going to be home until tomorrow so she’d stay at her own apartment tonight and make sure everything was okay there. Air it out. Pick up a few things to bring back to Tim’s. Check the fridge for science experiments.

As she pulled into her assigned underground parking spot, she ran into her next door neighbor, Louise, who was taking grocery bags out of her trunk.

“Let me help you with those,” Erin said, reaching for the two bags.

“Erin, honey! I’ve missed your pretty face around here. Your cute boyfriend’s too.”

They walked up the stairs together and Louise filled her in on the latest apartment-complex gossip. Mr. Dardenella’s cat had run away. The Feldman twins had been cast in a laundry-detergent commercial. Louise herself had found a fifty dollar bill in the laundry room.

“I couldn’t find whoever lost it, so I got Vinny a friend.”

Vinny was Louise’s canary.

“I named her Marissa.”

“Why Marissa?”

“Well, remember that movie
My Cousin Vinny
? I always loved that movie and I thought since Vinny and the new bird were going to be a couple, I’d name her after Vinny’s love interest in the movie, but I couldn’t remember her name.” Louise unlocked the door to her apartment and Erin followed her inside and put the bags on the dinette. “I looked it up on the computer and found out her name was Mona Lisa. I don’t really like the name Mona Lisa. I don’t like the name Lisa either. So, I named her after the actress who
played
her, Marissa Tomei. Did you ever see that movie?” Louise hung her keys on a hook by the telephone.

“No.”

“You should rent it. Watch it with Tim. If he likes cars...” Louise’s husky voice trailed off. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

At the mention of Tim’s name, Erin felt an upwelling of emotion she couldn’t control. Tears sprang to her eyes and all of her problems came to the fore, like she’d pulled the shades down on a storm outside and they’d all flown up at the same moment.

“Honey, honey, sit down. I’ll make us some coffee and then you can tell me all about it.”

Erin grabbed a tissue from the counter and took a seat at Louise’s dinette.

Louise poked around in one of the grocery bags. “You’re in luck today because they came out with some a flavor.” She pulled a small metal tin of flavored instant coffee out of one of the sacks. “French Vanilla Nut sounded good.”

She put water on to boil and got out mugs.

“Are you hungry? Here, you and I can share this cinnamon roll I shouldn’t have bought but did. You’ll be helping me out there because it’s too big, but I would have ended up eating the whole thing.”

Louise made quick work of putting the groceries away. By the time she was done, the water was boiling. A minute or so later she carried two mugs of steaming coffee to the table.

“Now, tell me what’s wrong,” Louise said, getting back up to get them forks for the cinnamon roll. The thing was the size of a salad plate.

Glad she’d come here instead of going to Tim’s apartment, she caught Louise up on the job opening at the hospital.

“Well, that’s wonderful news, honey! I know how hard you worked to get your certification for that and how long you’ve been waiting to put it to use.”

“Yes, but now I’m not sure if I want to transfer after all.”

Erin then told her about how Mollie’s death had scarred Tim, apparently for life, and how he was unwilling to have children now as a result. This time, she made it clear Tim’s anguish about the situation was as acute as her own. When she was done, she saw the plate that had only minutes ago held the cinnamon roll was now empty, except for crumbs and a smear of frosting, and Louise’s fork hadn’t been used.

“Um, sorry,” Erin said.

“You needed it, honey.”

Erin thought about the burger lunch she’d eaten the other day “I have to figure this out soon or I’m going to be as big as a house.”

“Look, sweetie, I don’t know what to tell you. Every person is different, but Charlie and I were real happy and we never had kids.”

“Was that by choice?”

“In a way, I guess.” Louise took sip of her coffee. “We got married young and kept putting it off. By the time we realized time was sort of running out on us, we also realized we liked our lifestyle. We liked how free we were, always able to just take off on a romantic weekend or have sex in any room we wanted to and be as loud or as crazy as we wanted to. We liked having all that money in the bank against retirement. We both felt our lives were simpler and we could focus on each other and not have to divide our attention and affection.”

Erin took that in. The money thing...she and Tim wouldn’t have to worry about money. The independence thing, that would be nice. Coordinating their two schedules was challenging enough already. She acknowledged that once kids got involved in activities, their time would be in even more demand. And who didn’t want a simpler life?

“Do you regret it now?” Erin asked. “Not having kids? I mean with Charlie gone?”

Louise leaned back in her chair. “Not really. Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what it might have been like. Charlie would have made a great dad...” She took a sip of her coffee. “But I’m doing that all the time. It’s part of getting older. You look back. You wonder.”

Erin nodded, thoughtful. “Sure. That’s natural.”

“So, it’s important to make sure you make the most of what you have, so you don’t have a lot of regrets later in life. Charlie and I had a wonderful marriage. I could tell you a hundred, a thousand, stories of the great times we had. Could we have been happier with kids? Who knows? Maybe. But you’ll drive yourself crazy if you live your life constantly thinking about what’s missing in your life. Celebrate what you have. Appreciate it. Make the most of it.”

Erin left Louise’s apartment in a much better mood than when she’d gone in. Louise was right. Erin had to focus on how lucky she was. She’d hit the jackpot with Tim. When he’d asked her to marry him, it had been like winning the five-million-dollar-slot-machine jackpot and Louise made her realize that she was acting like five million dollars just wasn’t enough. How greedy could one woman get? She had her health. She had a job she loved. She had a man she loved even more, and incredibly, he loved her.