On the Line (22 page)

Janelle glanced at her sister and saw the smile falter as sadness crept into her
eyes. “Kelsey,” she said as she turned. “He’s coming home to you.”

“I know.” Kelsey waved her sister’s comment away. “It’s just . . . it’s not easy
to forget the reputation he had and the way he used to behave with his female co-stars,
less than a year ago. Some old habits die hard.”

Janelle shook her head and walked toward her sister. “Those don’t sound like your
words.” She wrapped her arms around Kelsey and hugged her tightly. “He loves you
more than anything, and you know that. Forget what Mom thinks. Forget what he used
to be like and focus on who you know him to be.” Janelle broke the hug and gripped
her sister’s upper arms. “He calls you every day, and he’ll be home before we know
it. He wouldn’t be happy to know you doubt that.”

Kelsey smiled weakly. “Then let’s not tell him.”

Janelle laughed and let her sister go. They resumed their dinner preparations in
relative silence then called the kids in for dinner around the kitchen island. Once
the food was on their plates and the blessing said, they began eating. Zoe told Janelle
about her visit with Nancy and how much she liked seeing her.

“I can call her ‘Nan,’” Zoe said cheerfully, and Janelle’s eyes widened slightly.

“Nan?” She looked at Kelsey. “Short for?”

“Nancy, of course,” Kelsey said out loud, but mouthed, “or Nana,” with a shrug.

Janelle nodded her understanding but felt butterflies in her stomach. What if she
and Nathan never worked things out? She wasn’t sure how she felt about Nancy allowing
her daughter to become so familiar with her. On the other hand, it couldn’t hurt.
Having Nancy in Zoe’s life, acting like a grandmother even if Zoe never learned the
truth, would be a whole lot better than growing up thinking Mary and, even worse,
Gladys were her grandmothers.

“Daddy said you’re my real mommy,” Zach said softly, and Janelle heard Kelsey’s fork
hit her plate.

Janelle glanced at him and saw him staring at Kelsey with big, blue, puppy dog eyes.
Janelle swallowed the lump in her throat and exchanged a look with Kelsey. She’d
meant to warn her they’d discussed the kidnapping in therapy today. Zach looked at
his food again. His hands rested on the counter, perfectly still on either side of
the plate. Zoe looked at him, then Janelle, then resumed eating slowly.

“Was he telling the truth?” Zach continued in his pitiful voice.

“Zach, we already discussed this,” Janelle said calmly.

He looked up at her. “You said he didn’t always tell the truth.”

“When did she say that, Zach?” Kelsey asked.

“A long time ago,” he answered as he turned to face her. “Before we moved in here.”

Janelle’s brow furrowed and she tilted her head. Had she actually said that? She’d
always tried to shield her children from Richard’s less than stellar behavior. His
lies being the least offensive of the bunch. Janelle met her sister’s
gaze and nodded
once. It was both an acknowledgment and permission for Kelsey to be honest.

Kelsey inclined her head in understanding and turned to Zach. “Yes, sweetheart, this
time he was telling the truth.” Zach’s eyes widened, and Janelle felt a squeeze in
her chest. Kelsey continued, “I carried you in my tummy, the way your mommy carried
Zoe. Do you remember that?”

Zach nodded.

“But then after you were born,” Kelsey looked down at her plate as her voice cracked,
“your mommy and daddy adopted you and they became your parents.”

Zack looked at a spot on the counter in front of him, and Janelle watched him think.
She wondered what was going through his little mind. And what had gone through it
when Richard first told him? She was furious that Richard had done this to Zach,
that he had placed that seed of doubt in this precious little boy. With therapy,
Zach seemed to be doing better, but she couldn’t help but wonder when she might see
that joyful sparkle in her son’s eyes again.

“Why?” Zach asked with a shaky voice.

“Because I couldn’t take care of you the way they could. I didn’t have a place to
live or a job.” Kelsey walked to the side of the island directly across from him.
She propped herself up on her elbows so they would be eye to eye, if Zach looked
up.

“He said it was because you didn’t love me.” Zach said, a tear sliding down his cheek.

“That isn’t true,” Kelsey stated, and Janelle could see the water in her eyes too.
Their sadness was about to undo Janelle’s control. Kelsey added, “I love you very
much. I loved you when you were born, and I love you even more now.”

“Then why did you give me away?” He looked directly at Kelsey, his cheeks now soaked,
drops falling onto the counter.

Kelsey frowned, and a tear slid down her cheek. “I didn’t want to.” She shook her
head. “But you needed so much more than I could give you.”

“Daddy said it was because you wanted to be in movies.”

“No,” Kelsey replied softly.

“Zach, your Aunt Kelsey didn’t decide to go to California until your dad
and I decided
to adopt you,” Janelle said soothingly, laying her hand on top of his. “We took you
because we all love you and wanted to do what was best for you.” Zach looked up at
Janelle and sniffled. “Do you think she doesn’t love you now?”

Janelle could see his wheels turning as he stared at a spot on the wall over her
shoulder. After a few minutes, his little head slowly turned from side to side.

Janelle released a quiet sigh of relief. “You’re right,” she said with a smile. “Aunt
Kelsey loves you very much. As much as I do.”

He turned his sad eyes back on Kelsey. “But you left me.”

Kelsey’s mouth fell open a little as she stood and took a step back. Janelle thought
she might run and prayed she didn’t. Zach hadn’t said anything wrong, maybe a little
hurtful, but he had a right to have the answers.

“Aunt Kelsey didn’t leave,” Zoe said. “She’s right there.”

Janelle closed her eyes at her daughter’s innocence and wished she could always stay
that way. She knew that, eventually, the time would come when she would have to deal
with telling Zoe the truth. She wasn’t sure if it was better or worse than the truth
Zach was facing now, but she did know that it would strip a layer of purity from
her daughter.

Kelsey’s mouth closed, and Janelle saw the slow rise and fall of her chest. She pulled
her shoulders back as she looked Zach squarely in the eyes and gave him a slight
smile. “Yes, Zach, I did leave you. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”
She walked around to stand beside him then gently turned him to face her. “It’s always
hard for me to leave you, but I still believe that giving you to your mommy was the
best thing for everyone. And now that I have a job, I can help take care of all of
you the way I couldn’t before.”

Zach slowly put his arms around Kelsey’s waist, and she placed her arms around him.
As Kelsey lowered her head to his, Janelle saw a few remaining tears slither down
her cheeks. His arms fell away, and Kelsey kissed the top of his head before letting
him go. She walked back to her plate and picked it up, dumped her food in the trash,
and put the dishes in the sink then returned to her seat at the island and sat down.

“Mommy, I’m done eating,” Zoe said sweetly.

“You may get down,” Janelle replied as she looked at Zach’s barely touched
plate.
“Are you done Zach?” He nodded and Janelle gave him permission to leave the table
too.

Janelle picked up the kids’ plates and dumped the remainder of their food in the
trash then placed them in the sink. She repeated the process with her own plate then
turned and placed her palms on the countertop.

“Why would he even be thinking about that?” Kelsey questioned stiffly and Janelle’s
cheeks warmed slightly.

“I meant to warn you. He talked about it in therapy today,” she answered softly.
“Wanna talk about it?”

“What’s to talk about?” Kelsey replied bitterly. “He’s right. I left him. I was selfish
and it was wrong.”

“Kelsey, he didn’t say that,” Janelle tried to soothe her sister.

Kelsey’s glare was full of hurt and a little bit of anger. “He didn’t have to.” She
looked down at her hands, folded on the marble. “Have you ever considered that if
I hadn’t made that choice, if I hadn’t given him up, then we wouldn’t be here right
now? Richard wouldn’t have had a reason to shoot me. Heck, he may never have started
to drink again, and you’d still have the wonderful husband you were once so blessed
with.”

Janelle rolled her eyes and ignored her sister’s cruel statement. Nothing about her
marriage or her husband had ever been wonderful.

“Zach would still be a part of your life, only he’d be your nephew, and I’d be his
mother,” Kelsey choked on her words and paused to swallow. “I’d be taking care of
him and working my butt off to support him, but I’d be doing it here. Who knows,
I might have a husband of my own, and maybe a sibling or two for Zach.”

“You wouldn’t have a career you love. You wouldn’t have this house,” Janelle said
calmly, feeling anger at the entire situation warm her veins. She hated seeing her
sister look so defeated. She hated hearing the doubt and double guessing in her words.
She took a deep breath and walked toward Kelsey. She lifted her sister’s chin and
tried to smile. “And you wouldn’t have Patrick.” Kelsey narrowed her eyes at Janelle.
It had been a low blow, but Janelle needed the big guns for this argument. So she
continued, “Richard
would
have started drinking again, it was only a matter of time.
He couldn’t handle fatherhood, and our marriage was far from wonderful.” She released
Kelsey’s chin and leaned against the stove behind her.

Kelsey slowly turned to face her. “That wasn’t why he drank,” she said quietly.

“What excuse did he give then?” Janelle asked, feeling certain it was something she’d
already heard.

“He didn’t like looking at Sean’s face every day,” Kelsey replied.

Janelle’s heart stopped and she blinked slowly. She was wrong. She hadn’t heard that
excuse before. “Why would you say that?”

“He told me,” Kelsey replied dully. “He thought Zach was a daily reminder of Sean
and he accused me of knowing he would be.”

Richard’s reasoning was undoubtedly designed to make Kelsey feel bad. Sadly, it was
apparently working. Janelle lifted an eyebrow. “That’s probably one of the dumbest
things I’ve ever heard him say.”

Kelsey shrugged as she held out her hands, palms up. “So you see, if I hadn’t let
you adopt him, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

They stared at each other as Janelle debated telling Kelsey the whole truth. And
why Sean’s death in a car accident, and everything that had come afterward, was her
fault. Not Richard’s and certainly not Kelsey’s.

“Why don’t you start a pot of coffee? I’m going to put a movie on for the kids then
we need to talk,” Janelle stated, her tone left no room for argument as she walked
away. She let the kids pick a movie and put it in the DVD player. When they were
set and she could smell the coffee brewing, Janelle returned to the kitchen.

Kelsey had gotten two large mugs out of the cabinet and set them on the island, along
with the sugar and milk. Janelle pulled a bottle of brandy out of the cabinet and
set it beside the mugs. They remained silent as the coffee finished brewing, but
Janelle could feel her sister’s eyes on her as she went through the motions of pouring
coffee into a cup for each of them, then adding the sugar and milk to hers as Kelsey
did the same. Janelle poured a healthy splash of brandy into her cup then inched
it toward her sister.

“You may want that,” she said as she nodded toward the liquor.

“Why?” Kelsey asked slowly as she obeyed, only adding a little splash instead.

“Because you may not want to hear what I have to say.” Janelle waited for Kelsey
to sit down on the bar stool on the other side of the angle. Janelle
took a long
sip of the coffee and set her mug down. She stared into the dark depths as she gathered
her thoughts. “Sean’s death was my fault,” she began and held up her hand to stop
Kelsey’s protest. “And not in the way Mom likes to blame me for.”

“O-kay,” Kelsey said, and Janelle could tell she wasn’t sure she believed her. “How
so?”

“By the end of the spring semester of our junior year, I was getting tired of Richard’s
behavior,” Janelle started her explanation. “I began to consider ending things. I
realized he was going to be more like our grandfather and less like our father, and
it scared me. I spent the entire summer weighing the pros and cons and had finally
come to the conclusion that I didn’t want to marry him.”

Kelsey gasped and her jaw dropped. The corner of Janelle’s mouth lifted slightly
in a deprecating smile, directed at herself.

“But I never actually had the courage to go through with it. It was on the tip of
my tongue so many times.” Janelle lowered her head in shame. “I found it unbelievably
hard to say those three little words, ‘Richard, it’s over.’ The night of Sean’s accident,
I had left for work and Richard was already half lit. In that fifteen minute drive,
I decided that I would do it the next morning and move into Sean’s apartment with
him, whether he liked it or not.” Tears sprang to Janelle’s eyes at the painful memories
of the night of her brother’s death. She felt Kelsey’s hand on top of hers as the
first salty drop slid down her cheek.

Janelle continued to review what had happened. “At some point during my shift at
the bar, Sean had decided he wanted to go home, but Richard had been too drunk to
drive him. Sean had taken the keys to my car; I had driven Richard’s car to work,
partly as insurance that he wouldn’t do something stupid like drive that evening.
Sean tried to tackle the ten-minute drive to his own apartment. He’d only made it
five minutes before swerving off the road and hitting a tree.

“I had been called by the police and immediately left work and had gone directly
to the hospital. The injuries were more gruesome than I care to remember, and he’d
been unconscious. I held his hand, cursing my own weaknesses, as he slowly passed
away.”