On Solid Ground: Sequel to in Too Deep (3 page)

I stabbed some lettuce with my fork and thought about what she said. “You are really okay?”

“Yep. Ready to see what life brings me next. Maybe
UTK contestant number two
...” she air-quoted, “...will be even better in bed than Shawn was.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but...you being so okay with this break-up makes me feel like an ass for how long it took me to shake Noah.”

“Gracie, that is completely different. Noah abused you. It will take a while for those wounds to scab over.”

“I know you insist that, by definition, it was abuse, but I never felt that way. I just thought we had a rocky relationship. But I guess that was naïve and stupid.” I didn’t want to make this about me, but I had a hard time convincing myself that abuse was now part of my story.

“Gracie. You weren’t stupid. What Noah did to you was serious brainwashing to make you feel stupid, and that’s what gave him the control he craved. He may not have physically hurt you, but the jabs he took verbally and emotionally, those will take even longer to heal than bruises.”

“I feel like it was so much less than what someone who is physically abused goes through. I feel guilty staking claim to abuse when others go through so much more.”

“Okay, picture Hannah living your relationship with Noah with some boy she was head over heels for.”

A sharp pang in my chest took my breath away. Picturing someone doing the same things to my little sister made my eyes well up with tears. Then it hit me. If Hannah was with a guy who did to her what Noah had done to me over the last two years, I would undoubtedly classify it as abuse.

“You’re a survivor, Gracie. You have to start seeing yourself that way.”

I wiped the tears away with my napkin and shrugged. “Becki, there were days I didn’t want to get out of bed. Now, most days are okay, but then a bad one slips in and I try to push it away. It’s so hard. I force myself to be happy for Jake. With all my baggage and nightmares, he has to feel like Noah is still meddling in our relationship, and sometimes I think he deserves so much more than what I have to offer. He is almost too good to be true – and he’s stuck with
me
.”

“Listen to me, Gracie Ann, Jake cherishes everything about you. You are the best thing in his life, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to you...actually if you could sell his DNA, he would be the best thing that happened to many girls...and you’d be really rich. Oh my Lord, Gracie, could you imagine? You’d let me try out the first clone, right?”

I smiled and nodded.

She reached for my hands across the table. “Don’t let Noah take this from you, too. You really deserve the happiness you have with Jake.”

“Oh, Becki, I am so happy with Jake. I didn’t know love could feel like this. It’s a level of emotion I have never experienced. And sometimes, it’s just so overwhelming, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s hard to believe it can be this good. But...”

“But, what?” Becki folded her arms and sat back like she did when she thought someone was going to give her bad news.

I wrung my hands in my lap and spoke words I never wanted to let out of my head, “Sometimes I worry I jumped into this thing with Jake too quickly.”

She tilted her head to the side and frowned a little. “You may be right.”

“I sometimes feel like I am two different people. I’m one person when I’m with Jake because I’m living in the now. But then after a nightmare or sometimes just because it gets too quiet, I’m another person who is still suffering. I long to be just one person. And, preferably, a strong one.”

“Look, you’ve only been free of that fuckstick for six weeks. Give yourself time to heal. And count your blessings he went home for the summer.” Becki played with her straw. “Have you given any thought about talking to someone?”

“I talk to you and Jake.”

“No, Gracie, I mean a professional. A counselor.”

“Dammit, Becki, I don’t
want
to keep talking about it. I just want it all to be over.”

“It can’t be over until you process it all and stop stuffing it deeper. A counselor will help you work through your emotions and memories so you can let go of the pain. Trust me, when my parents were going through their divorce, they had me in counseling. I decided I was going to hate Dr. Bob before we even walked in to building. The first day, I wanted to stab the guy in both eyes with the stupid sharp pencils he twirled between his fingers when he spoke. But that very first appointment, he told me my parents’ divorce was not something I could control. But he said I
could
control how I dealt with it. Those words took the weight of the world off my shoulders, and I started to heal that same day. I was actually sad when I saw him for my last appointment, because without him, I would have just spiraled out of control. You probably wouldn’t even know me. Who knows where I’d be.”

I thought about what my life would be like without Becki. I was glad she hung in there with Dr. Bob. “Maybe you’re right. Just makes me feel like I’m giving up by asking for someone’s help.” I tilted my head, hoping she understood what I meant.

“You’re giving up if you
don’t
.”

I stared at my hands in my lap and felt a few more tears fall. A purple-haired art student in an apron rushed by and reminded us the dining hall was closing. We stood, and Becki put her arm around my shoulders. She gave me a side-by-side hug and we headed toward the doors.

“Becki...”

“Yeah?”

“Did you call Noah a fuckstick?”

“Why yes. Yes I did.”

We both howled with laughter, which caught the attention of some bustling co-eds as we burst through the doors. Friends like Becki and Jake would help me stand on my own two feet.

Becki and I took turns giggling about her new pet name for Noah. My phone rang and an unfamiliar number flashed on my screen. I was excited Becki and I were together and it was most likely Stacy calling. I held up my finger to Becki and we stopped walking.

“Hello?” I was still cracking up.

“I love your giggle.”

The floor of my stomach lurched and I started to shake. “Noah.” I immediately sat down on the steps of the dining hall. So much for standing on my own two feet. My pulse echoed in my ears.

“Gracie, it’s so good to hear your voice. God, I miss you.”

My mouth dropped open and an audible exhale followed. I looked at Becki, stunned. She put her hand on my shoulder.

“You can do this, Gracie. Don’t let him back in. You’re not a victim anymore.” Her voice was calm, and her words were hushed and slow, but my heart raced and threatened to break free of my chest cavity. I didn’t feel like a survivor when the tears streamed down my face.

I wiped them quickly away as if Noah could see me through the phone. I sat up straight, shook my head, and took a deep, cleansing breath.

“Gracie?”

“What do you want, Noah?”

“I was thinking about coming to campus next weekend. A couple of the brothers turn twenty-one and they’re doing a big bar tour. I was hoping I could see you.”

“That’s not happening.” I pounded my fist on my knee in a similar cadence to the pulsing in my head.

“Come on, Gracie, please. I just want to talk. I want to see how you’re doing. You and...Jake still together?”

Noah stumbling over Jake’s name gave me a cheap sense of satisfaction.

“There’s nothing to talk about. And, yes, of
course
, I’m still with Jake.”

“I see.”

Becki was silently applauding my tough-girl act. The disappointment in Noah’s voice and Becki’s flailing was keeping me pumped up enough to finish this conversation in the way I knew I needed to.

“Noah, we’re over. For good. You need to move on. Don’t call me again.” I ended the call and didn’t even say
goodbye
.

Becki jumped to her feet. “Stand up, Gracie Jordan, you’re my fucking hero!” She slid her phone into her pocket and tried to pull me up.

“Becki, my legs feel like wet noodles; could I be your hero from down here for a little while longer?”

She giggled and sat back down with me just as my phone buzzed with a text.

Jake: So, how’d the call go? I’m assuming the “fuckstick” is Noah?

“Becki! You texted Jake?”

“Of course I did! I wanted him to know the exact time you ripped Noah a new asshole!”

I smiled and shook my head. It did feel amazing to have the upper hand.

Me: He won’t be calling again.

Jake: I’m so proud of you.

Me: For the first time in a long time...I’m proud of me, too, Jake.

Jake: Can’t wait to see you later.

Me: Ditto xoxo

Jake: <3

Four

Jake

“Jake, honey, you
never
answer your phone! I wanted to let you know I will be barreling through Knoxville at the end of the month for a conference. The conference is only one day, and I have to get back home for some meetings, so I won’t have a lot of down time, but I want to come see you. Text me when you get a chance, and I’ll call you when my visit gets closer. Love you, bud.”

Me: Sorry, Ma. Was on the phone w G. Excited for your visit!!

I was thrilled for Gracie. I hoped the stance she took during Noah’s phone call gave her a little of her self-confidence back. I decided to take the afternoon to look for a part-time job. Gracie and I didn’t schedule any classes for summer semester. Neither of us needed to load up on classes, and it was probably the last summer we’d have without real jobs. Gracie told me her parents didn’t mind footing the bill for her living expenses for the summer if it meant she’d be on her way back to the happy girl they feared they’d lost.

My parents were paying for my apartment over the summer, but my spending money was all on me. I needed a job so I wouldn’t go hungry, and so I could spoil Gracie every now and then.

I walked slowly down College Avenue, glancing up at storefront windows for
Help Wanted
signs. I really wasn’t picky about the kind of jobs I’d apply for, but I was surprised when I didn’t see any signs at all. My phone chimed, and I pulled it from my pocket, expecting to see Gracie’s face on my screen. Nope.

“Sam! How are you, man?” I sat down on the nearest bench and turned my cap backwards. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed my wingman.

“Dude. I’m good. You?”

“I’m good. I’m walking the streets, looking for a part time job.”

“Cool. How’s Gracie?”

“She’s trying to work things out in her head. It’s tough, man. Knowing the things he did to her, I can only imagine what that does to a girl. Fuck, Sam! Why didn’t we save her from him?”

“Jake, I’ve run that same question through my head a million times. I could kill him with my bare hands, and I’m sure I don’t even know the half of it. But the guy had us all fooled. He’s sick, man.”

“Agreed. I guess I should just be thankful she got out when she did.”

“Focus on that and keep her strong.”

“Will do.” I rubbed the thought lines from my forehead. “So, what’s up with you? You good?”

“I am. Do you remember Ashley from our Business Management class?”

“Is she the brunette with the cute giggle that you’ve been crushing on forever?”

“That’s the one. She just moved to Sparta. I ran into her when I was out with some friends from high school last weekend.”

“All the places in Tennessee to pick from and she ends up in
your
town?”

“She didn’t end up here; she was drawn here by my sexual magnetism.” He chuckled.

I shook my head. “You keep thinking that, man.”

“Alright, dude. I need to get out of bed...”

“Bed? Shit, Sam, it’s three-thirty!”

“I know, I know. Hey, I’m going to try to get to campus sometime soon.”

“That’d be great! Would love to have you.”

“I’ll let you know when I can. Take care of that beautiful girl of ours.”

“I plan to. And Sam, she’s the beautiful girl of
mine
, I’m not sharing.”

“Damn you! See ya, brother.”

“Later.”

No sooner had I put my phone in my pocket when it buzzed with a text.

Gracie: Are you home?

Jake: No

Gracie: Meet me at home in 20 mins

Jake: for...

Gracie: Just get there, ok?

Jake: ok

In the short time we’d been together, I learned that Gracie gets bossy when she’s horny. I’d never admit to it, but it made
me
horny when
she
got all bossy. I headed for home.

****

There was music coming from the bedroom when I walked in. I pulled my shirt over my head before I even got all the way back down the hallway. Gracie was covered loosely with the sheet. My gaze landed on the familiar, unrestrained shape of her beautiful breasts and I knew she was naked. I was ready. I climbed on top, but she stopped me. Her hands on my chest held me at bay.

“Jake, I’m on a self-confidence high right now, so I’m going to take advantage of that euphoria, if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind at all.” My voice was breathy. I liked this ‘take charge Gracie.’ Shit, I was throbbing. Baseball. Baseball. Baseball. “Whatever you want, baby girl.”

“I want to be on top.”

My head dropped to her forehead and growled. “Gracie, that is the hottest thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

“It wasn’t too forward?”

“Oh, it was forward, but holy hell, that’s hot!”

“Listen, I...I...” she grunted and covered her face.

“Listening...”
And almost exploding in my shorts.

“I want to know why girls make such a big deal about being on top. I never...when I was...I couldn’t...”

“Shhh. Stop talking.”

I pulled off my shorts and slid under the covers with her. She turned to face me, and I pulled her as close as I could. Her skin was soft and warm. The shy look on her face and the ornery smile on her lips was pushing me closer to the edge, and she hadn’t even touched me yet. I wasn’t sure if baseball was enough of a distraction this time. I think if she reached for me right at that moment, I’d lose it.