On a Scale from Idiot to Complete Jerk (8 page)

CHAPTER 8
Jerks in a Crisis

Crisis situations—like fires, accidents and medical emergencies—are those rare events that happen quickly and demand lightning-fast responses. These situations cause teachers and principals to totally freak out and make parents even more anxious and worried than they usually are. Those same events exhilarate junior high students, liven up boring day-to-day routines, spark way more interesting texting and often lead to classes getting canceled.

Scientifically speaking, crisis situations provide the most pure setting in which to observe human behavior, as the combination of stress, fear and action tends to turn some people into running, screaming, wild-eyed animals. These are the situations in which heroes step up. They are also the situations in which jerks are revealed.

Amazingly, even though crisis situations are very rare—months and even years can go by without one—there are two video case studies in this section. Two! They both happened in the same week, and before anyone gets any ideas, I didn't cause either of them. Both of these events were unplanned, obviously. Our teacher knew there would be a fire drill sometime that day, and she gave Spin, my research assistant, a heads-up so that he could have his camera ready when the alarm went off. But in the second case study, it was cool-headed, scientific, quick thinking that enabled the episode to be captured on camera.

CASE STUDY #6
The Fire-Drill Drama

Subjects:
The students in 8E

Laboratory:
Their classroom

Experiment:
This case study examines a grade-eight class's response to a routine fire drill. We've been practicing what to do in the event of a fire since kindergarten—that's every year for nine long years. Everyone knows the drill by now—single file, walk quickly but no running, last person shuts the door, gather on the lawn to get counted, joke around excitedly until they turn off that deafening alarm. You might think fire drills have become so routine and automatic that they aren't really even technically crisis situations anymore. Wrong. This case study shows how a jerk exploits the opportunity of a routine fire drill to create a crisis for his own jerkish purposes.

My friend Spin volunteered to help research this topic because:

1) the “Can Animals Be Jerks?” topic (his first choice) was already done;

2) he has a new cell phone with a good video cam (we call it the Spin-cam);

3) we have a nice teacher, who agreed, in the interests of science, to let Spin film the fire drill.

Even though it was incredibly time-consuming, I have typed out everything that happens in these short video segments, because meticulous, accurate documentation of detail is so very important to any scientific study. And also because Spin can't figure out how to download the videos so I can provide a link instead of writing it all out.

Observations:
(
Spin's head appears. He is
apparently in the boys' locker room
.)

SPIN
.
Finally
found a quiet spot to practice using the Spin-cam…seems to be working. (
Useless shot
panning across some chipped, dented lockers.
) Okay, operational. (
Back to Spin's head.
) Well, Luke Spinelli here. I just thought since I wouldn't get a chance to do a formal intro to this case study, I'd say a few words now. Our teacher knows that I'm helping J.J. do research on crisis situations, and, sadly, this fire drill appears to be the closest we're getting to a real crisis. A fire drill is sort of a fake crisis, but you never know—there might be some excitement. In grade five, Dwayne Hepner freaked out all the teachers by going missing during the drill. They eventually found him wolfing down desserts from other kids' lunches. Anyway, here's hoping this drill is, uh (
looks down at words written on
his hand
), illuminating and highly groundbreaking, scientifically speaking. Is that right, J.J.?

ME
. Shut up, Spin, and get to the video.

(
The video stops, then pops to life again, showing Mrs.
Driscoll at the front of Spin's class.
)

MRS. DRISCOLL
. So, class, I think we're done with the analysis of this nov—

ALARM
. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA!

(
You have to imagine that this goes on for the entire
video. Why are all these case studies so loud?
)

SPIN
(
with Spin-cam focused uselessly on the
intercom
). Here we go! Man, that's loud…I can feel it in my chest!

(
The camera scans the class. Everyone is standing
up, scrambling to grab their cell phones and iPods
even though nine years of drills have told them to leave
everything behind. They start to shuffle over to the door.
Contrary to training, they are moving neither quickly nor
in an orderly fashion
.)

MRS. DRISCOLL
(
irritably, shouting above the alarm
). A LINE! FORM A LINE!

(
She swings her arms back and forth like an air-traffic
controller. The Spin-cam scans the lineup and stops at
the end, where two girls are huddled together, looking
nervous and covering their ears. Shay, a legendary jerk,
slips into line behind them. He looks like he's enjoying
himself. Spin zooms in.)

SHAY
(
loudly, tapping on Maddie's shoulder
). Are we
sure
this is just a drill and not a real fire??

MADDIE
(
nervously
). Of course it's just a drill. It's always a drill.

SHAY
. I heard it was a
real fire…
WAIT. (
He stops
and sniffs.
) Do you smell that? (
His eyes widen fake
fearfully.
) I smell smoke!

MADDIE
(
panicking
). What?? Smoke?? (
She grabs
Kaylie's arm.
) Do you smell smoke? Is there smoke? I think I smell smoke!

(
Shay grins.
)

KAYLIE
. Smoke! Omigod, I smell it too!! We gotta get out of here.

(
They start pushing the kids who are already lined up.
Those kids shove back. As Mrs. Driscoll opens the door,
some of the kids stumble and fall, and some bolt into the
hall. Spin catches one last glimpse of Shay, yelling into
Maddie's ear.
)

SHAY
. Hurry, HURRY! I just saw
flames
outside the classroom window!!

MADDIE AND KAYLIE
. Aaaaaaaaahh!

(
Shay turns, notices Spin filming and knocks the
phone out of Spin's hands. The aptly named Spin-cam
gets a whirling shot of desks and floor. The video ends
abruptly.
)

(
The video starts again later in the locker room,
showing a gross overflowing garbage can.)

SPIN
. Oh, good, Spin-cam still works. Skidded right across the room there. (
Spin's face appears.
) Well,
that
was more interesting than I thought it would be. Pretty impressive that I caught that jerk Sha—I mean, I hope this case study gave you enough, um (
looks
down at the writing on his hand
), raw data to draw numerous important and highly scientific conclusions, J.J. (
Grins.
) Research Assistant Spin and the Spin-cam, signing off.

Conclusions:
Shay is a skillful jerk. During a fire drill, what kid hasn't wondered uneasily if it's a real fire? Notice how Shay used this niggling fear, fuelled it and let it spread like, well, like wildfire? He also managed to avoid any blame for the panic, while Maddie and Kaylie got detention for pushing the other kids. Completely diabolical. Shay's a complete jerk most of the time, so I might even go so far as to make a scientific finding that crisis situations intensify a jerk's natural jerkishness.

Maddie and Kaylie weren't jerks, even though they were technically the ones to push the other kids. While pushing is obviously not optimal fire-drill etiquette, they were acting out of fear rather than jerkishness. They were just nervous about the situation, rattled by that crazy-loud siren and freaked out by Shay's jerkish little mind games. At most, they were idiots to listen to Shay at all, let alone believe him.

CASE STUDY #7
Sanjiv's Hideous Injury

This case study was a last-minute addition to this science project, but it's just too good to leave out. I mean, there aren't so many genuine crises that you can afford to let one go to waste. And good old Spin managed to capture most of it on the Spin-cam.

Subjects:
Grade-eight students

Laboratory:
The field, lunchtime

Experiment:
Here's the setup. It was
finally
warm enough to go outside, so we were all out in the field. We were laughing and talking and goofing around when disaster struck. Alex, the biggest guy in grade eight, jumped to catch a football thrown by Spence (second-biggest guy in grade eight), landed in a sprawl and cannoned into my friend Sanjiv (who's probably the smallest guy in grade eight). Sanjiv went flying. It happened in a split second. One minute Sanjiv was up, the next he was down. And
man,
was he ever down. He couldn't stand up, he was grimacing in pain, and he was clutching his leg, which was bent in a spot where a normal leg doesn't bend. It was as if there was a whole new joint between Sanjiv's knee and his ankle. Nowhere to hide
that
injury in skinny jeans, let me tell you. Spin, who was in another group a little way off, heard gasps of panic, sensed something going on, flicked on the Spin-cam and ran over.

Observations:
(
Everyone has their lips sucked into
their teeth or their hands over their mouths. I'm not sure
why people do that when they see an injury, but they
do. Sanjiv's leg really is a gruesome sight. We're all pretty
much used to legs bending in the usual places.
)

ALEX
(
glancing over his shoulder
). What? I hardly touched him! Just get
up
, Sanjiv.

SPENCE
(
walking over
). Yeah, man
up
,
Sanjiv
. Whoa! (
He sees Sanjiv's leg and gets Alex's attention by
smacking him on the shoulder and pointing. They stare.
)

ALEX
(
looking very pale and queasy
). It's not my fault. I was just catching the ball! It was Sanjiv! He was in my way. If he hadn't gotten in my way…

SPIN
(
running over
). I'm videoing here, so this better be goo—oh, jeez! Sanjiv, you okay? (
The camera
rolls up to Sanjiv's face, then down to his weirdly, scarily
bent leg and stays there, jittering.
)

WESTON
(
shrilly
). Of course he's not okay! Look at him! Look at his
leg
!

ALEX
.
He
was the one who—

SANJIV
(
wincing in pain, eyes tightly closed
). I think…it might be…broken…

ME
. I'm no doctor, Sanjiv, but that sucker's broken for
sure
, so—

ALEX
. It's not my fault, okay? It's not my—

ANGELA
. I'll go tell a teacher! (
Runs off.
)

(
Just when we don't need it, rain starts to pelt down
.)

WESTON
(
shrilly
). What should we do? We gotta
do
something! We can't just leave him
lying
here in the
rain
! (
There is silence as the group stares uneasily at
The Leg
.)