On 4/19 (On 4/19 and Beyond 4/20) (32 page)

In a sense, she felt as if he’d already taken a step back from her. While he was just as loving and engaged in their relationship as he’d been since they became a real couple, she felt an emotional distance building, and as the end drew nearer, a physical one as well. In the past week, he hardly ever kissed her the way he used to. Quickly he would give her a peck on the cheek when he arrived or departed, but seldom would he kiss her as he once did. As if they had come full circle, John was once again withholding his heart, just as he’d done in the beginning. But the brush of his lips on her cheek caused her to feel far away from him and terribly lonely. For the most part, she understood his motives, but it hurt nonetheless. She missed his intimate embrace and longed for him to desire her as he used to.

One night, as they sat on the sofa together watching a movie, Chelsea was thinking non-stop about the distance he’d placed between them. Wondering, she asked him, “Do you want to end this early?”

“No. I want to see what happens. It’ll drive me crazy to stop it now.”

Chelsea stared at him blankly. Suddenly, it dawned on her that he thought she meant the movie. “I mean us.”

Without hesitating, he stopped the movie. “Is that what you want?”

Shaking her head, she whispered, “No.”

He sat looking at her, not knowing what else to ask or where her question came from.

“In some ways, I feel as if you’ve already checked out.”

He reached for her and slid his hand behind her neck. Moving in closer, he admitted, “It doesn’t seem right to keep touching you and holding you the way I was, all the while knowing…” He couldn’t say it out loud. He didn’t want to hear it. Sighing heavily, he pulled her closer. “I didn’t think I was being fair to you.”

“None of this is fair.”

John closed his eyes, trying to block out the pained expression on her face. It wasn’t fair, but it was where they were, decades of life apart.

His eyes were closed, so Chelsea took that opportunity to move in and press her lips to his. When she did, he moved his other hand to her face and held it there firmly in place. She’d missed him, missed the feel of his warm hands caressing her face and neck as he was doing then. Once, as he trailed his lips along her cheek, she whispered, “I just needed to know you still want me.”

Lifting his head, looking deeply into her eyes, he admitted, “There will never be a moment of any day for as long as I live that I won’t want you. I love you. I’ll always love you. You have to remember that. When things are the hardest, you have to know this has nothing to do with how I feel about you. Promise?”

Unable to speak, fearing if she did she would cry, she only nodded. She moved back into him and kissed him softly.

Much too soon, April 18
^th
arrived, and even though Chelsea had classes scheduled, she skipped them. Deciding to spend their last day at
the beach, they left early that morning and drove along the coast to his house. There, it was a typical day. They spent the morning hours out on the beach, had lunch in a little place at the Malibu Country Mart, and did some shopping. It was there that Chelsea found a bracelet she liked. As he always did, John insisted on paying for it, but this time, Chelsea flat-out refused him. It was something she wanted to take home with her, and her resolve was firm not to take anything that John had bought for her.

It was never about his money. He could have never bought her love. For his sake, she wanted him to know he was loved strictly for who he was and not for what he had. As much as it devastated her to realize, she had to take into consideration the fact that he may never come for her, and in that case, she wanted him to find love again. She could hardly bear the thought of him living out his life alone, consumed by work, which was where he would undoubtedly turn in her absence. For a man with his kind of money, he needed proof that a woman could love him without money being the determining factor. She wanted him to see it done.

Her new bracelet was a collection of charms, each strangely having some significance to her. Tiny silver seashells reminded her of their many hours walking and talking together on the beach. It was where they had some of their most painful conversations, the place they unloaded their burdens to one another. There were crosses, reminding her she must bear the cross of letting him go, and finally, several charms with two interconnected hearts, hers and John’s. The bracelet was so meaningful in fact; it brought tears to her eyes when he hooked the clasp for her. As the day wore on and she continued to look at the bracelet, she became convinced it was a gift from God. He knew she needed something to see, something tangible to give her hope when she felt most hopeless. In her final moments with John, hope for a future was all she had to hold onto.

Later that evening, they grilled fish and vegetables for dinner as they often did while there. All in all, the day was perfect. Although she anticipated she would become weepy, she remained much more collected than she expected. He was quiet most of the afternoon, clearly in agony over the road he was choosing. By his choice, he was trying desperately to love her unselfishly. How could she not love him even more for that?
She prayed for him nearly every moment of the day, and when she wasn’t praying for him, she prayed to keep her own resolve, often reminding herself it was what was best for him.

Overall, the day was very similar to the one where she and Tuck came to the conclusion that he would have to go back and marry Lindsey. The decision was a mutual one, one that simply had to be made. While knowing the pain it would cause in the long run, it was the only course. It was the same with her relationship with John. For the greater good, they had to disconnect. In seeing Tuck’s outcome with his sweet little daughter, God blessed his obedience. It was Chelsea’s greatest desire that God would bless her willingness to obey as well. Though John considered their parting final, she would never be able to see it that way. No matter how long it took, she would wait. Deep down, she was convinced that they would find their way back together. That certainty was the only reason she was able to stand firm in her decision. Otherwise, she would crumble.

Just as the sun was setting, Chelsea was sitting on the sofa, concentrating on the roaring waves as they sounded loudly through the open doors, trying to focus on anything but the breaking of her heart. Shattering the otherwise silence of the room, a loud crash sounded from the kitchen. When she rushed in, she found John standing there, hands trembling, glass and water covering the kitchen floor. Clearly he hadn’t dropped the glass. There was a water stain on the wall and glass shards scattered on the countertop nearby. He didn’t look at her when she walked in; instead, he simply stood, looking at the broken glass.

“Leave that. I’ll get it when I get back.” He moved swiftly toward her, grabbed her by the shoulders, and kissed her cheek. Quietly, he whispered, “I think I need some fresh air.”

Walking alone in the dark, John began to cry, something he hadn’t done since he was a little boy. He could vividly remember the day his dad told him that boys don’t cry. For some reason, he believed it and never cried again, until now. This night, he found he had no other release for the deep and piercing anguish he felt within. For the entire day, every hour, every minute brought him closer to the moment when he would have to let go of Chelsea. He’d expected the day to look entirely different. Over
the past weeks, in anticipation of this final day, he supposed it would be filled with tears and emotion. But it wasn’t for her. The one and only moment he suspected she was near tears was when he hooked her new bracelet around her wrist. Easily he could see why it might bring tears to her eyes. It was their story set in silver.

Throughout the day he reminded himself of all the reasons he had to do what he was doing. Constantly, he had to envision her face and remember he loved her more than himself, more than life itself. He had to picture his father and try to imagine Chelsea loving a man who had become so weak and frail. These were head games he was playing with himself, and for the most part, it was working. Finally though, for just one moment in the kitchen, a time of weakness came over him. While filling his glass with water, the thought occurred to him,
he was only a changed mind away from keeping her
. All he had to do was say so and they could be together. That one decision could ease the pain they were both experiencing, yet neither was voicing. Changing his mind would take only a split second, and she would be his, not Tuck’s.

That was the vision that had kept him awake at night, Chelsea with Tuck. While he had no way of knowing what Tuck even looked like, he pictured him tall and strong, dependable and kind. If Chelsea had loved him so deeply that she would remain isolated for five years after their breakup, he must be a man worthy of that love. Tuck still loved her, and without question, as soon as she arrived back home he would pursue her. How could John blame him? But still the thought of Chelsea loving Tuck in return was the source of the battle that waged within him. Again he reminded himself, it would take only a changed mind. Finally too much to contain, his emotions got the better of him and he slung the glass against the wall. It was then he knew he had to find a release for the pent up anger and regret that was consuming him.

Walking along the beach that night, John had many questions for God, like why had He allowed Chelsea to come into his life? Why allow them such pain? Especially on Chelsea’s behalf, he argued that she deserved better than to be hurt by another man she loved. “She’s done nothing I can see but love You, God. Why would You hurt her this
way?” On and on his questions went. He’d been told all of his life that God is sovereign. In that case, God planned this all along. God knew Chelsea would be injured, and yet He allowed her to walk into the stupidest arrangement ever established by contract. It was during this time that John decided he’d been better off in never drawing near to a God who could protect but chose not to.

Nearly an hour later, Chelsea sat waiting on the back deck, watching for John to return. She’d cleaned up the glass after he’d left, all the while praying for them both. Tonight she was weaker than what it would take to do what she knew she must. So was he. So she prayed and prayed until her words to God hardly made sense anymore. She begged Him for another way, a way to draw John to Himself through her, not apart from her. While John walked on the beach, she asked God for a miracle, to break him right there, right then.

For the first time that day, she began to cry softly. She missed him and wanted him to come back. Every minute he was away was another minute lost. So when he came into view, she stood and ran out to meet him by the water’s edge. Nearly blinded by her tears, when she reached him, she jumped into his waiting arms.

In anguish, he held her to him saying, “I never knew loving someone could hurt like this.” Hiding his face in the soft curve of her neck, he wept like a child.

For the longest time, they simply stood and cried together, neither wanting to let go. On many occasions he would whisper, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” But she was crying too hard to respond. So she just held to him, knowing that in a few hours, they would end.

As he held her, he wondered, if he could do it over again, knowing the pain they would both experience in the end, would he? His answer was an immediate yes. For him at least, knowing Chelsea was worth every moment of the heartbreak that he knew, and would know to an even greater extent in the time to come. Discovering he was capable of such love took him so totally by surprise that he hardly recognized himself anymore. Finding that business meant little when compared to love was the equivalent of the discovery of penicillin as far as he was concerned.
Love was the answer to all the emptiness he’d known over the years. Yet it was a love that he would voluntarily allow to slip through his fingers.

No one moment in time had ever hurt to her very core as this one did. Although she had hope that it was not truly over, there was still that reality that John must seek God in order to find the one thing he’d always searched for. As far as she could tell, he’d yet to see that truth. All that echoed in her head was that
this really may be it. This might very well be the last night I feel him hold me
. And those thoughts would bring on another round of tears. Still, no matter what she felt, she never once pled with him to stay with her. Just as he’d asked, there on that very beach, she would let him walk away. It was what he needed, and just as she assured him that day, she would do whatever he asked.

Once inside, both were drained emotionally. Without the noise of the TV, they simply lay together on the sofa, John holding her near. As many things that could be said, neither spoke much. A few times a conversation would begin, but soon it would fade without another beginning for a long period of time. To Chelsea, the term “holy moment” was what came to mind. She had already done the battle before the Lord, and knew she would not try to change John’s mind. Clearly, his mind was set as well. So they quietly held on to one another, as it would be the last time, possibly forever. With the sounds of the ocean as their lullaby, they fell asleep in that position.

Chelsea woke and saw that it was still dark out. With care not to wake John, she reached for her phone sitting on the coffee table. It was a quarter to midnight. Gently, she lifted his arm from around her waist and moved to sit up. Leaning over, she kissed him softly on the lips. In his sleep, he kissed her in return. It was a sweet ending, she thought. For just a moment, she sat looking at him, trying to mentally record every line of his face. Finally, regretfully, she went into her room to gather her things.

When John awoke, he could see the sun was higher in the sky than when he normally rose. The clock on the wall read nine-thirty. With Chelsea nowhere in sight, he assumed she’d finally gone off to bed. Making his way into the kitchen, he found a folded page there on the
counter with his name printed on the front. A knot formed in his stomach as he reached for it.