OMG! I'm in Love with a Geek! (40 page)

I've just watched Butterfly try to wash up with really rubbish eco washing-up liquid. It apparently “helps the seas”.

I just Skyped Gran. She thinks if we have to use eco washing-up liquid dolphins should be trained to help her wash up. She thinks they could do it with a rubber glove attached to the end of their nose! LOL!

Told Butterfly about Gran. Butterfly does NOT believe in training animals to do anything and would never commit a dolphin to domestic slavery. In fact she once got arrested for trying to free one of the beagles that sniff for illegal stuff at the airport. She particularly hated the fact that the dog was in a special jacket with its name on. Butterfly said, “It's a dog not a policeman – it should be smelling for its own pleasure!”

I said, “Butterfly, I was only joking. A rubber glove would fall off a dolphin's nose unless you used elastic bands!” She's really sweet but she takes everything very seriously. She said dolphins have been abused for too long.

How can jumping through a hoop and getting a treat and a round of applause be abuse?

Butterfly showed me a book where dolphins had been militarily trained. She thinks they will eventually take over the world when “mankind has destroyed itself”. Not very cheerful!

I've realized that when people swim with dolphins at Disneyland the dolphins are just taking notes on humans. They will know all our weak points and make us do tricks eventually.

I explained to MGK about it. She doesn't like dolphins because supermodel Tyra Banks has a phobia of them and apparently, “What Tyra says goes!”

MGK then tried to teach me to “smize”. This is what models do – they smile with their eyes. MGK can do it brilliantly. I just look like I've had a nasty shock. MGK told me to do it every day in the mirror and I will NEVER look bad in photos ever again.

Keith and Butterfly use craptacular washing powder. I have to go to a laundrette tomorrow as I have no clothes thanks to my lost luggage. I have to use chemicals. I can't live in the Stone Age. I have grown up with Gran – Queen of Stain Removal and fantastic washing that is always really soft!

OMG – there was the fittest boy in the laundrette today. He was waiting for his pants to dry – that's what Australians call trousers. It was really hot in the laundrette and I was sweating in a jumper. This boy could see me sweating and he looked at my feet and asked me if I'd brought my thongs. I thought, OMG – he wants me! But thongs are Australian for flip-flops. I think he liked me though because he
did
wink at me. He told me he loved my accent – especially the way I said “bus”. I am making sure I come to this laundrette every day!

Keith's boring friend “M” is here. He's telling Keith and Butterfly that he had been eating lots of keenwah (?) and could probably outrun a tsunami if he had to. I hope he can't.

Keenwah is spelt “quinoa”. I googled it for about 20 minutes before MGK told me. It's a super food. She eats it regularly. Of course she does. Why can't she just eat lasagne and chips like the rest of us?!

Keith/Storm (what do we call him?) has suggested we go camping at the weekend as it would be good to “get” with nature and have the opportunity to “bond”. Butterfly is going to make us a vegan meatloaf. I had a bite of it before – it's a bit like eating cornflakes and nuts. MGK smiled at Butterfly but behind her back she started to make really bad vom faces. It was actually LOL!

Nicky has messaged me:

I'm not even answering.

1. NO KISSES AND I'M 10,500 miles away.

2. Obviously, I did, Nicky. You would have heard about it on the news by now if I hadn't.

I just asked MGK about Nicky. She looked at me for ages then said, “You totally went mental over him. I don't know why. You look good and you're all right.”

You're all right?!

Perhaps her jet lag has just hit.

Keith is very excited about camping. We are not.

Me and MGK went shopping today for some camping gear. I helped MGK buy some tracksuit bottoms as she would not normally be seen dead in them even if they were “Juicy Couture”. When she tried them on when we got home she thanked me and said they didn't look too bad. When I told her she looks good in most things she said, “Says the girl who's got a figure like a model.” I shouted, “Yeah – skinny, no tits.” Then she looked at me DEAD SERIOUS and said, “No – athletic and would probably look good in an all-in-one jumpsuit.”

I really, really don't think she was being sarcastic.

OMG – reading back on this I think there are some times when MGK may be OK. MAY be OK. Actually there are flashes of really quite lovely.

It can't be jet lag now. OMG – perhaps it's a long-haul thrombosis blood clot!

CAMPING – this is hell. MGK and I agree. You cannot use straighteners in a tent. No TV. No Internet. Even 3G doesn't work. It's like Gran's childhood without meat AND with the threat of snakes. I keep seeing massive spiders out of the corner of my eye when it's just a bit of sleeping bag and a hairbrush.

Keith just had a massive chat with us, explaining how grateful he was that we had come over and that he really wanted to get to know us as “individuals”. Then he said, “I'd like to think this is an opportunity for you 2 to become friends too.”