Olivia's First Term (5 page)

Chapter Eleven

It wasn't until several hours after the newbies' show had finished that Olivia, Eel and Jack had finally been left alone with Alicia. They were in her flat on the top floor of one wing of the school. The living room was dominated by a beautiful portrait of Toni. Olivia couldn't take her eyes off it. It made her feel as if her mother was in the room, looking over them like a guardian angel. Everyone was exhausted, although Eel, who was thrilled at the prospect of being taught to dance, kept saying it was her “bestest day ever”.

Olivia decided it was one of her worst days ever, and it showed absolutely no sign of getting any better either. Watching Jack and her grandmother talking was, she thought, a bit like watching two suspicious cats warily circling
each other. Alicia, although delighted by her granddaughters' return to London, clearly still blamed Jack for Toni's death. Sensing this, Jack was too proud to tell Alicia that they needed help because they had no money left and nowhere to live.

Eel had fallen asleep on the sofa, a little smile on her face. Olivia curled up beside her with her eyes partially shut, but she was really wide awake and listening. Alicia kept glancing at Olivia and murmuring, “So like her mother,” and Olivia overheard her grandmother telling Jack that Eel was one of the most naturally gifted dancers she had ever encountered.

“She needs to dance,” said Alicia. “I've come across children like Eel before. Once she's doing what she was born to do, she'll settle down. She's clearly very bright, Jack, and very self-possessed. She just needs an outlet to express herself. Trust me.”

She glanced over at Olivia. “What's Olivia's special talent?”

Jack looked a little embarrassed. “She's a high-wire walker like me. In fact, one day she'll be far better than I ever was … am.” He suddenly looked stricken, but Alicia didn't notice, as she
was wrestling with her own emotions. If Toni hadn't gone to the circus that night and fallen in love with Jack at first sight, she would have stayed in London near her mother, continued her triumphant career in the theatre and still be alive.

“Well,” said Alicia, a tight little edge creeping into her voice, “maybe she could be persuaded into something worthwhile. Toni had many talents, and I'm sure she will have passed them on. I'm confident we can find something else that Olivia's good at besides high-wire walking. We'll have to if she's going to study at the Swan.”

On the sofa, Olivia bristled like an angry hedgehog. How dare her grandmother talk in this arrogant way about something that she loved and that she had spent long hours trying to master, something that was thrilling and dangerous! What could be more worthwhile than high-wire walking, which was both a skill and an art, and was part of the greatest show on earth – the circus. All that silly dancing, singing and acting couldn't compare.

“So,” said Alicia. “Where are you staying in London? I can see by your suitcases you came
straight here. I hope it's not far. The school day is long and tiring enough without having to trek halfway across London.”

“Actually, Alicia…” Jack paused. Olivia could see his face, so pained and pale, so unlike the laughing, charismatic father he had once been. Alicia raised an eyebrow and waited.

When Jack didn't say anything for a very long time, Alicia sighed.

“I see,” she said. “Am I right in thinking that you don't have anywhere to live?”

“I'm afraid you're correct, Alicia.” He stood up and started pacing the room in an agitated manner that only exacerbated his limp. “Alicia, we desperately need help. I want you to look after the children for me. I've got to go away and try to make some money. I've got a plan. But for the moment, we're completely destitute. I haven't a penny to my name. Everything I've got in the world is here in these suitcases and everything I love is lying on that sofa.”

“It's exactly as I imagined,” said Alicia angrily. “This circus business has been the ruin of you and your family. You've always been completely irresponsible, Jack, living hand to mouth and not thinking beyond the next day. I
warned Toni what a circus life would be like and, see, it's reduced your own children to poverty. You're not a fit father.”

“He is, he
is
a fit father. He's the best father in the whole world!” cried Olivia, springing to her feet with fury. “How dare you say he's not!
You're
not a fit grandmother. You never tried to get in touch with us to check if we were all right. You just abandoned us after Mum died and told Dad you didn't ever want to see him again. Well, that means that you didn't want to see us either. Because the Marvells come as a package. And he's
not
irresponsible. He was hit by a car and couldn't work and
that's
why we haven't got any money!”

Alicia was staring at Olivia, white-faced. Her fingers grazed the letter in her pocket addressed to Jack that had been returned to her only this morning, but she said nothing.

“You're right, Olivia. I haven't done my duty by you. But I intend to from now on. I make you a solemn promise.”

“I don't want your promises!” said Olivia. She strode over to Jack, who had sunk into a chair with his face buried in his hands. “Come on, Dad,” she said. “We're clearly not welcome
here. Let's go.”

“I don't want to go,” came a little voice. The noise of angry shouting had woken Eel up and she was sitting on the sofa in a daze. “I want to stay and learn to dance. Granny promised me I could.” She burst into noisy tears. Jack scooped her up in his arms and carried her away to the bathroom so that the others wouldn't see he had tears in his eyes, too.

Olivia and her grandmother faced each other. “Olivia, please…” said Alicia, feeling her granddaughters slipping away from her again, perhaps this time for ever.

Olivia ignored her.

“Olivia,” pleaded Alicia. “Tell me about the accident. Please, Olivia, I want to try to understand.”

There was something so desperate in the old woman's eyes that Olivia was persuaded to speak. So, reluctantly at first, Olivia told her grandmother about the car accident in Italy. When she had finished, Alicia said, “Poor, poor man. I noticed he's walking with a limp. I know what it's like to be prevented by accident or illness from doing the thing you love most in the world.”

Olivia looked at her grandmother's gnarled, claw-like fingers, so damaged by arthritis, and knew at once that Alicia was speaking from the heart.

“But I don't think it's a physical problem,” said Olivia slowly.

“What do you mean?”

Olivia took a deep breath. There was something about her grandmother's face that made her think she might understand the enormity of what had happened to Jack.

“Well, Dad's bones eventually knitted together and he felt ready to go back on the wire. Everyone from the circus was there to see him do it and cheer him on as he climbed the tower for the first time one morning some months after the accident.”

“So what happened?” asked Alicia.

“He stepped out on to the wire, and everyone cheered. He took a few steps. But almost immediately we knew something was wrong. He just stopped and stood quite frozen in the middle of the high-wire above our heads. He couldn't go forwards and he couldn't go back. It was as if he was paralysed.”

“How did he get down again?”

“I climbed up the opposite tower and stepped out on to the wire,” whispered Olivia. “I could see the beads of perspiration on his lip and the fear in his eyes, but it was as if my presence broke the spell. He suddenly moved towards me as if there had never been a problem and took my outstretched hand. But I could feel him trembling. He said, ‘Clearly I wasn't quite as ready to return as I had thought. Thank you.' Then he walked away. Nobody said anything, but all the other circus performers avoided meeting my eye.”

There was a movement behind them. Olivia realised that her father had come back into the room and had been listening. She felt wretched, as if she had been caught betraying a terrible secret.

“It's all right, Liv,” said Jack, touching her cheek tenderly. “It's good to face the truth. I've been trying to ignore it, and your grandmother has a right to know why we need her help.”

He turned to Alicia.

“There is an old circus saying, Alicia, which is that fear is a jealous mistress and once she has you in her grip, she never lets you go. Well, fear
has caught me and is holding me tight. I've lost my nerve.”

“Like some actors do with stage fright,” whispered Alicia with a little shudder.

Jack nodded sadly. “I've watched Liv practise every day, but I haven't been up there myself since. I can't face the moment of stepping out on to the wire. It feels like a void waiting to swallow me up. Regrettably, there have been consequences. Audiences stopped coming and gradually the other performers drifted away too. I couldn't blame them. Everyone's got to eat. In the end, we found ourselves alone in Italy with no money. It was either Toni's engagement ring or the battered old Big Top that had to go. Of course, there was no contest. I sold the Big Top and we had just enough to get back home to England.” Jack held their gazes, then he added fiercely, “But I'm going to defeat my demons and get back on the wire! I promise you, Liv and Eel. I will do it.”

He smiled as if he was already thinking what that would feel like, but everyone else in the room had tears sliding down their cheeks.

Chapter Twelve

“Are you sure you won't stay, Jack? There's plenty of room,” said Alicia. “I know we have history, and that there has been bad feeling between us, but you really would be very welcome here. You are my son-in-law and the father of my daughter's children. Giving you a home when you most need it is the least I can do.”

“It's kind of you, Alicia,” replied Jack. “But although my girls need a home, I can't live on your charity. I'd feel useless. I need to go away for a while and try to restore the family fortunes. Besides, it would be too difficult with me here. I love the circus; you hate it. You love the theatre but since Toni's death I find it too painful to watch anyone acting, because I always think
how much better Toni would have been in the role. Before long, we'd be falling out again. It would never work. Besides, this place is full of Toni. This is where she grew up. I'd be living with a ghost looking over my shoulder. It's better that I go.”

“But
where
will you go?” asked Eel, who had just walked into the room with Olivia.

“I'm going to stay with my old friend, Pablo. He's got a spare room and he's going to help me with my money-making idea.”

“What is it?” asked Eel, clinging to his arm.

“It's a secret,” smiled Jack. “But who knows, maybe it will make us all millionaires!”

“Cool,” said Eel. “I'd like you to be a millionaire and then you can pay me all the pocket money you owe me.”

Olivia hadn't really been listening. She was trying to think where she had heard the name Pablo before, but couldn't remember. She was about to ask Jack when Alicia spoke.

“Well, if you think that it's best that you go, that's all settled then. I'll keep the girls here with me.” She held out her hand to Jack. “Goodbye, Jack, and good luck. I hope it all works out, I really do from the bottom of my heart. I'll leave
you to make your goodbyes and go and call you a taxi.”

Alicia was trying to be tactful and allow the children some time alone with their father, but to Olivia it felt as though she was just trying to bundle Jack out of all their lives as quickly as possible.

Their leave-taking with their father was emotional. “Be good for your grandmother, my lovelies,” said Jack, “and I'll be back for you as soon as I can.”

“Take me with you!” said Olivia. “I can help you. I won't get in the way, I promise.”

“Oh, Liv. I wish I could. But I've got to do what I've got to do on my own. The best way you can help me is by staying here with your gran where I know you'll be safe and looked after. It won't be for long, sweetie, I promise,” said her father, hugging both his daughters.

Olivia felt rejected.

“When you come back, I'll be the bestest dancer in the whole world!” said Eel.

“Have you asked Alicia where I can practise my high-wire walking?” asked Olivia, clinging to Jack's arm.

“Actually, Liv, I feel I've already asked
enough. Your grandmother has offered you a home and an education. Wait a week or two until you've all got to know each other better and then ask her yourself. When she realises how much it means to you, I'm sure she'll find you somewhere, but I just don't feel I can ask her this very minute. She's already doing so much for us.” He saw Olivia's stricken face. “Stick it out, Olivia. Be brave. It won't be for long, and all the things you learn here will be good for your tightrope-walking. A couple of months of rest from it won't do any harm; it might even do you some good.”

“A few months' rest hasn't done you any good, has it?” said Olivia furiously. As soon as the words were out, Olivia regretted them, but she couldn't take them back or stop the terrible wounded look flashing across her father's face. He hugged her close to him and kissed her.

“I love you, Liv. I'm trying to make a future for us, a future that Toni would have been proud of. I'm sorry if you feel I've failed you, but I really am doing my best.”

Olivia wanted to hug him forever and tell him how much she loved him, but she felt stung by his words, so she turned her face when he
bent to give her one final kiss and didn't see how hurt he was or the tear that glistened in his eye.

She stood alone in the living room while Eel went with him down the stairs to the glass front doors. Suddenly Olivia knew she couldn't let her father leave like that. She raced through the endless corridors and down the three flights of stairs to the foyer of the academy, desperate to say she was sorry and to tell him how much she loved him and that she thought he was the bravest man in the world.

She tore out of the doors and stumbled breathlessly down the steps. But she was too late; the taxi was already disappearing around the corner. Olivia felt as if she had been kicked in the stomach, and the pain was worse because she knew it was self-inflicted.

It was only later when she was lying in bed that Olivia remembered who Pablo was. He was Jack's former agent, who had helped him to set up his most famous stunts. Stunts that were very dangerous and required nerves of steel. A little knot of fear settled in Olivia's stomach and took up home there.