Olive Branches Don't Grow on Trees (18 page)

“Well,
I’m aware of that, but what wouldn’t be tough?”  She was getting a little
tired of hearing this same thing about lay-offs over and over again.

“True.
True,” said Donna, as the waiter appeared at their table.  He tried to
look awake and alert, but Silvia could see the exhaustion coming right through
his skin, and she felt empathy for him.  After her mother got through with
asking him several questions about the menu, she really felt for him.
 Silvia thought that if her mother had ever waited tables, she might be
more considerate to the wait staff.  She also imagined that if Donna had
been a waitress, she would have been a good one.  She was quick witted and
had both feet planted firmly on the ground, unlike her daughter who was not
nearly as quick witted and who was usually spaced out in fantasyland.  She
imagined the awful possibility of having to get another waitress job at some
point in the future, and this prompted her to continue discussing her career
plans with her mother in greater depth.

“So
I’ve been considering whether to stay at home and go to school, or to move away
to Portland and start school there.  I keep going back and forth.”

“Home?”
said Donna, like she did not hear anything but the word
home.
 “I haven’t heard you call your father’s house ‘home’
in a while.”

Silvia
was not even aware that she had called her father’s house home, but she took
her mother’s word for it.  She also noted that Donna was now calling it
“your father’s house,” and that Frank had been demoted, once more, in her eyes.
 Now she was referring to him as “your father” instead of “Dad” or even
“your dad.” 

“I
suppose I did call it home,” Silvia said. “It has been feeling more like home
lately.”

Donna
did not seem to like hearing this and right away she said, “So, do you think
you can live with your father?”  She said this like she was prompting her
daughter to answer the question with a negative response.  This was not
what Silvia was expecting or wanting to hear.  She did not want to be
reminded of the harshness of the reality of living with Frank.  And the
most baffling thing about this comment was the fact that Donna was the person
who had previously suggested that she live with Frank while attending school.

By
the time Silvia’s onion soup arrived, she was so confused and depressed that
her appetite had dulled and she hoped that it would be re-ignited before her
soup got cold.  So she did the only thing that she knew how to do to get
herself out of her current state of mind.  She thought about moving to
Portland, which was something that was sure to give her a lift.  She even
blurted
out,
“I’m just going to move to Portland then,”
knowing full well that her mother would react to this comment with disapproval.

“What
do you mean?  That’s crazy,” Donna said, putting down the forkful of food
that was about to go into her mouth. “Like the only two options you have are
living at home or moving to Portland.”

Silvia
was quick to notice that her mother was now calling “home” what she had just
called “your father’s house,” and she felt satisfied for this small but worthy
change of language.  If her mother was going to play head games with her,
she would play them right back.

“What
are you suggesting?  That I move back to Philadelphia for the fourth time,
Mom?”

“What
about getting an apartment near Rowan?”

“Why
would I pay to live in this area, when I can live here for free?  That
makes no sense.” 

“Living
with your father is not necessarily free.”

“Well,
he hasn’t really been so bad lately.”

Donna
looked at Silvia with cynical eyes, and Silvia, in turn, decided that defending
Frank might not be the best way to go in this instance. 

“You
know what I mean, Mom.  If I’m going to pay rent, I may as well just move
to Portland and be some place I want to be.”

Before
her mother could say anything back, Silvia ate a big spoonful of soup and
enjoyed it as much as she could before hearing her mother’s response.

“Well,
I think you should, at least, stick with a New Jersey college so you can get
in-state tuition.  I think you should just put Portland out of your mind.”

“I
can always get residency in Oregon and get in-state tuition there.”

“So,
you’re going to put your life off for another year, while you search for a
perfect place to live?” Donna said with frustration in her voice.

“Just
because I’m not starting school right away doesn’t mean that I’m putting my
life off.  I’m still living my life.”

“I
know you’re living your life, but I also know that you don’t want to spend much
more time working at a job that....” Donna stopped herself abruptly and took a
big sip of wine.

“That
what?”
Silvia asked.

“Well,
you know that your candy store job is not the most rewarding kind of job for
you.  You know that you want to do something where you can use your
artistic talents.”

Silvia
knew this only too well, but the idea of committing to a place frightened her,
especially a place that held so many old, stale memories.  She knew that
her mother could never understand how she felt.  How would her mother, who
had contentedly lived in the south Jersey area for her entire life, ever
understand?  She could tell her about things like the caged lion she saw
in Arizona, but Donna would still not get it and would probably think her
daughter melodramatic to use such an analogy.  She could tell her about
how she realized that her restlessness was tied to growing up in such a
disharmonious household, but then Donna might feel guilty for contributing to
her daughter’s inability to stay still.  Silvia felt very far away from
her mother even though she was sitting only a couple of feet away.  Donna
had no idea of what she felt, and stuck as she was in her cluelessness, she
continued on, rather anxiously, with her plans for her
daughter.   

“I
think you should try to start school right here in this area in the fall. 
Maybe we can get a two-bedroom apartment together.  And, of course, I’ll
pay most of the rent.  And...”

“Mom,”
interrupted Silva, “you work part time at a community college.  How are
you going to do that?”  Donna looked down at her plate of food as if her
feelings were hurt, and Silvia, seeing how she had hurt her mother’s feelings,
said, “I’m so sorry Mom.  I didn’t mean to say that.  And I would
love to live with you, and I think that your offer is so nice and generous.
 It’s just that I don’t want to add any more stress to your life,
especially at a time like this.”

“It
is a stressful time for me, and speaking of being stressed out, seeing your
father right now would greatly add to my stress,” she said, completely changing
the course of the conversation.  Silvia knew that the conversation would
be heading in the direction of the family gathering before dinner was over. 
Donna proceeded to explain to her daughter that she thought it might be nicer
if they all celebrated separately with Vince, so as to give him more
opportunity to bask in his achievements.

“But
I know Vince, and he doesn’t want to bask in anything,” said Silvia. “He wants
to get the whole thing over with and move on.  That’s why having one thing
would be best for him.”

“How
about if just the four of us go out to dinner-- me, you, Cosmo and Vince?”
 

“What
about Dad and Angie?”

“Vince
isn’t close to Angie and he doesn’t get along with your father.  You know
that.”

Of
course she knew that, and she also knew that Vince would be much more
comfortable with a night out with just the four of them.  But the reunion
she was planning was not for Vince.  It was for all of them.  What
started as a favor to her mother and a party for Vince’s graduation, had
evolved into an opportunity to bring peace to her family, to save them from
becoming like her parents’ families in which siblings sue and despise one
another.  Moreover, this reunion was for
her own
sake, her own happiness, and her own peace of mind.  She was sure, more
than ever, that if she could make peace within her family, she would have peace
within herself.  She would be clean and free.  And she had worked too
hard and too long on this endeavor, and she was not about to give up now
because of what she could only assume was her mother’s fear of seeing Frank.

“Why
did you suggest having this party in the first place then?” said Silvia,
wondering why she had not thought of asking her mother this question until now.

Donna
looked down like a caught criminal and said, “When I first suggested having a
party for Vince with all of our family, I did not feel so nervous about seeing
your father.  In fact, when I first left home, I kind of missed him and
felt really weird living without him.  Like a part of me was gone.
 But, then, once I got used to the peace and solitude and got used to not
fighting and having to always be on guard, I realized that I’d rather be alone
than with him.”

“So,
was your real reason for wanting to have something for Vince’s graduation
really just an excuse to see Dad?” Silvia surprised herself with this question.

Donna’s
face grew indignant, her lips tightening and her eyebrows furloughing.
 “No. I didn’t say that.  I just was not so uneasy about seeing him.
 That’s all I’m saying.  I also felt guilty about leaving before
Vince was out of the house, but I must say that a lot of that guilt has assuaged
since I started therapy.  I now realize that what I did was not only right
for me, but right for everyone involved.”  Her facial expression grew from
one of indignation to one of pride.

“How’s
that?”

“Well,
say Vince meets a young woman and falls in love and things start out good but
eventually, she grows rotten.  And say that because of my bad example, he
stays with her rather than leaving.  Then I’m to blame, indirectly, for
him staying put in a bad relationship.”

“What
if he and this girl who’s gone rotten got counseling together and worked things
out?  Wouldn’t that be the best scenario of all?”

Donna
was not stumbled by this last hypothetical and quickly came back with, “Some
people, like your father, are beyond help, and in the example I was giving,
this girl was one of those ‘beyond help’ types.  I guess I should have
made that more clear.”

Silvia
felt cheated.  She was beginning to wonder if her mother’s sole intent in
suggesting the party was motivated by her wanting to reunite with Frank, rather
than her wanting to do something nice for her son.  Now that she had begun
to feel secure in not needing him anymore, she had no desire to have any kind
of family gathering.  This seemed malicious and selfish, and these
qualities looked ugly on anyone, but most of all on a mother.  She felt a
very sick feeling in her stomach, and it came on just in time for dessert.
 She felt she had been deceived all this time about the person who lived
behind her mother’s skin.  She felt a big gaping hole between the two of
them and could almost see the table between them falling into it.

But
Donna must have seen the sadness in Silvia, who sat in front of her hot fudge
sundae like it was a plate of chicken livers, for she then proceeded to explain
herself to her daughter.

“
Silvie
, I’m just starting to feel strong and independent
for the first time since before I met your dad, and I’m afraid that if I see
him now, I might weaken.  It’s a fragile time.  You must know what I
mean.” Donna looked right into her daughter’s eyes with a sincere expression
that begged for some sort of understanding.

 And
Silvia could understand her mother’s feelings better with this last statement.
 But she still felt cheated for losing her mother’s support for the
reunion.  She sighed one of those big, loud sighs that older, exhausted
adults are inclined to make, and said to Donna,  “Well that’s all good and
fine Mom, but what about all the work and effort I put into this whole thing?”

Donna
looked back at Silvia with surprise that hinged on shock, as if she did not
have the slightest idea of all of the effort that her daughter had put into
planning the occasion.  And she, of course, had no idea.  Why would
she?  How could she?

 “I
had no idea you put so much into it.  I guess I didn’t realize it was so
important to you,” said Donna like she had some new-found admiration for
Silvia.

“Well,
it is.”

“Why?”

How
could Silvia answer this question?  She could not exactly tell her mother
that the reunion was so important to her because she believed that it could
save them all from becoming like the families that she and Frank had come
from.  She could not tell her that she believed that making peace in their
family might give her the peace that she needed to stay still and stop running
through her life.  But she could tell her that it was important to her
because it would be very beneficial to Vince, and how could Donna possibly
resist anything that would be for the benefit of her favorite?

“I
happen to think that this would really be a great thing for Vince.  I know
he acts like he hates being the center of attention and doesn’t like family
gatherings, but when I told him about it, you should have seen the look on his
face.  I haven’t seen him looking so happy since he was a little
boy.  He knows that I made the reservations, and if I was to go and tell
him that it’s off now because you don’t want to go, how do you think that would
make him feel, Mom?” Silvia was both pleased and disgusted with herself for
being such a great, big liar, but she felt that she had no choice at this point.