Oh-So-Sensible Secretary (6 page)

There was a rushing in my ears. I think I must have said something, but I’ve no idea what, and Monique waggled her fingers in farewell as she hurried off, oblivious to the fact that my world had come crashing down around me.

Shaking, feeling sick, I shut myself in a cubicle and put my head between my knees.
I mustn’t cry, I mustn’t cry, I mustn’t cry
, I told myself savagely. I had the rest of the afternoon to get through, and if I cried my mascara would run and everyone would know my heart was broken.

I don’t know how long I sat there, but it can’t have been
that long. I knew I had to get back. Lifting my head, I drew long, painful breaths to steady myself. I could do this.

Thank God for make-up. I reapplied lipstick very carefully and studied my expression. My eyes held a stark expression, but you’d have had to know me very well to spot that anything was wrong. Inside I felt ragged and raw, and I walked stiffly, so as not to jar anything, but outwardly I was perfectly composed.

I made it back to my desk and sank down in my chair, staring blankly at the computer screen. I just had to sit there for another few hours and then I’d be able to go home. Phin had gone out to his lunch with Jane, the director of HR, so I was spared him at least. Those blue eyes might be full of laughter but they didn’t miss much.

By the time he came back it was after four, and I had had plenty of time to compose myself. I ached all over with the effort of not falling apart, and my brain felt as if it had an elastic band snapped round it, but I was able to meet his gaze when he came in.

‘How was your meeting?’ I asked, knowing Phin would never guess what it cost me to sound normal.

‘Very useful. Jane’s great, isn’t she? We talked about Cameroon and she’s all for a trial visit to see—’ He broke off and frowned. ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Nothing.’ My throat was so tight I had to force the word out.

‘Don’t try and deny it,’ said Phin. ‘That stapler is a millimetre out of alignment. And…’ he peered closer ‘…yes, I do believe that’s a chip in your nail polish!’ The laughter faded from his voice and from his face. ‘Come on, I can see in your eyes that something’s wrong. What is it?’

‘It’s…nothing.’ I couldn’t look at him. I stared fiercely away, pressing my lips together in one straight line.

‘You’re not the kind of person that gets upset about
nothing,’ he said gently. Going back to the door, he closed it. ‘Tell me,’ he said.

There was a great, tangled knot of hurt in my throat. I knew if I even tried to say Jonathan’s name I would break down completely, and I wasn’t sure I could bear the humiliation. ‘I…can’t.’

‘OK,’ he said. ‘You don’t need to say anything. But we’re going out. Get your coat.’

I was too tired and miserable to object. He took me to a dimly lit bar, just beginning to fill with people leaving work early. Like us, I supposed. We found a table in a corner and Phin looked around for a waiter.

‘What would you like?’ he asked. ‘A glass of wine?’

God, I was so predictable, I realised. No wonder Jonathan didn’t want me. Even Phin could see that I was the kind of girl who sensibly just had a small glass of white wine before going home. I was boring.

‘Actually, I’d like a cocktail,’ I said with a shade of defiance.

‘Sure,’ said Phin. ‘What kind?’

I picked up the menu on the table and scanned it. I would love to have been the kind of girl who could order Sex on a Beach or a Long Slow Screw Against a Wall without sounding stupid, but I wasn’t. ‘A pomegranate martini,’ I decided, choosing one at random.

His mouth flickered, but he ordered it straight-faced from the waiter, along with a beer for himself.

When it came, it looked beautiful—a rosy pink colour with a long twirl of orange peel curling through it. I was beginning to regret my choice by then, but was relieved to take a sip and find it delicious. Just like fruit juice, really.

I was grateful to Phin for behaving quite normally. He chatted about his meeting with Jane, and I listened with half
an ear as I sipped the martini which slipped down in no time. I even began to relax a bit.

‘Another one?’ Phin asked, beckoning the waiter over.

About to say that I shouldn’t, I stopped myself. Sod it, I thought. I had nothing to go home for. ‘Why not?’ I said instead.

When the second martini arrived, I took another restorative pull through the straw and sat back. I was beginning to feel pleasantly fuzzy around the edges.

‘Thank you,’ I said on a long sigh. ‘This was just what I needed.’

‘Can you talk about it yet?’

Phin’s voice was warm with sympathy. The funny thing was that it didn’t feel at all awkward to be sitting there with him in the dim light. Maybe it was the martini, but all at once he felt like a friend, not my irritating boss. Only that morning the graze of his finger had reduced me to mush, but it was too bizarre to remember that now.

I sighed. ‘Oh, it’s just the usual thing.’

‘Boyfriend trouble?’

‘He’s not my boyfriend any more. The truth is, he was never really my boyfriend at all,’ I realised dully. ‘But I loved him. I still do.’

In spite of myself, my eyes started to fill with tears. ‘He told me before Christmas that he wanted out, that he didn’t think it was working,’ I went on, my voice beginning to wobble disastrously. ‘I’d been hoping and hoping that he’d change his mind, and I let myself believe that he was beginning to miss me, but I just found out today that he’s going out with Lori and he’s mad about her and I don’t think I can bear it.’

I couldn’t stop the tears then. It was awful. I hate crying, hate that feeling of losing control, but there was nothing I could do about it.

Phin saw me frantically searching for tissue, and silently handed me a paper napkin that had come with the bowl of nuts.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ I wept into it.

‘Hey, don’t be sorry. It sucks. Who is this guy, anyway?’ he said. ‘Do you want me to go and kill him for you? Would that help?’

‘I don’t think Lex would be very pleased if you did.’ I sniffed into the napkin. ‘He’d have to find a new PR person.’

Phin’s brows crawled up to his hairline. ‘Are we talking about
Jonathan Pugh
?’

I could see him trying to picture Jonathan’s appeal. I know Jonathan isn’t the sexiest looking guy in the world, but it was about more than looks.

‘Jonathan’s everything I ever wanted,’ I told him tearfully. ‘He’s a bit older than me, I know, but he’s so steady, so reliable. He seems reserved, but I always had the feeling that he’d be different in private, and he is. I never thought I’d have a chance with him, but then there was the summer party…’

I’ll never forget my starry-eyed amazement when Jonathan came over to talk to me, and suggested going for a quiet drink away from all the noise. I’d been bedazzled by all my dreams coming true at once.

‘I was so happy just to be with him,’ I told Phin. Now I’d started talking, it was as if I couldn’t stop. I had to blurt it all out. I gulped at my martini. ‘I’d never been in love before, not like that, and when I was with him it felt like I had everything I’d ever wanted. I didn’t mind that he wanted to keep our relationship a secret—to me that was just him being sensible, and I loved him for that, too. But he’s not being sensible with Lori,’ I said bitterly. ‘He’s not keeping
her
a secret. He doesn’t care who knows how he feels about her.’

My mouth began to tremble wildly again. ‘It wasn’t that he
didn’t want to have a proper relationship. He just didn’t want
me
. He wanted someone like Lori, who’s pretty and feminine.’

‘I bet she isn’t prettier than you,’ said Phin.

‘She is. If you saw her, you’d know.’

I’d never liked Lori. She’s the kind of woman who gives the impression of being frail and shy and helpless, but who always manages to get her own way. Men hang around, asking her if she’s all right the whole time. As far as I knew Lori had no female friends—always a bad sign, in my opinion—but even I had to admit she was very pretty. She was tiny, with a tumble of blonde curls, huge blue eyes and a soft, breathy little voice.

Phin wouldn’t be able to resist her any more than Jonathan had.

‘OK, maybe she’s pretty,’ Phin allowed, ‘but you’re
beautiful
, Summer.’

‘I’m not.’ I blew my nose on the napkin. ‘I’m ordinary. I know that.’

He laughed at that. ‘You are so not ordinary, Summer! You’ve got fantastic bones and beautiful skin and your eyes are incredible. And don’t get me started on your mouth…Your trouble is that you don’t make the most of yourself.’

‘I do,’ I protested, still tearfully. ‘Look at me.’ I gestured down at my suit. Even in the depths of my misery I knew it was better not to draw attention to my face right then. I’m not a pretty crier. Maybe the likes of Lori can cry without their skin going blotchy and their eyes puffy and their nose running, but I couldn’t. ‘I always take trouble over my clothes,’ I pointed out. ‘I never go out without make-up. What more can I do?’

‘You could let your hair down sometimes,’ said Phin, lifting a hand as if to touch it, but changing his mind at the last minute. ‘It looks as if it would be beautiful, thick and silky. It would make you look more…’ he searched for the right
word ‘…accessible,’ he decided in the end, and I remembered what Anne had said about changing my image by letting my hair hang loose.

But what difference would it have made? ‘What’s the point in looking accessible when I’m boring?’ I asked despairingly. ‘Jonathan still wouldn’t want me.’

‘He must have wanted you at some point or he wouldn’t have got involved with you in first place.’

‘No, he didn’t.’ I was just starting to accept the truth. ‘I flung myself at him, and I must have been convenient, but he never meant it to be more than that. He didn’t want
me
. And why should he? I’m boring and sensible and practical,’ I raged miserably, remembering now—too late—some of the things Jonathan had said. In hindsight, it was all so obvious. Only I hadn’t wanted to see the truth before.

‘Jonathan doesn’t want someone as competent as he is. He doesn’t want someone who can look after herself. He wants someone needy and feminine—like Lori. Someone he can look after. But I can’t do needy. I’m too used to dealing with everything, ever since I was child. I can’t help it, but Jonathan thinks it makes me bossy. He used to make comments about it. I thought he was being affectionate, but now I wonder if it really bothered him. Funny how a man is never bossy, isn’t it?’ I added in a bitter aside. ‘A man is always assertive or controlling, but never, ever bossy.’

‘I don’t think you’re bossy,’ said Phin. ‘You’re practical, which is a very different thing.’

‘Jonathan thinks I am. He just got bored with me. All that time I was telling myself how much I loved him, he was losing interest. I should have realised that he hadn’t invested anything in the relationship. He didn’t even leave a toothbrush at my flat. When he ended it, there was nothing to discuss.’

Oh, dear, here came the tears again. I groped around for the wet napkin until Phin found me another, and I scrubbed furiously at my cheeks before drawing a shuddering breath.

‘When Monique told me about Lori today, it just made me realise what a fool I’ve been about everything,’ I said. ‘I’d had this dream in my head for so long, and it was all wrapped up with being with Jonathan and feeling safe, but I should have known it was too good to be true,’ I said wretchedly. ‘He’d never want someone like me.’

‘But you still want him?’

I nodded. ‘I love him,’ I said, my voice catching.

‘Then I think you should go out and get him back,’ said Phin. ‘I didn’t have you down as someone who would give up as easily as that. What have you been doing since you split up?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Precisely, and look where it’s got you. You’re miserable, and Jonathan’s dating a woman named after a truck. Lori? I mean, how serious can he be?’

I looked at him. ‘That’s a pathetic joke,’ I said, but I managed a watery smile even so.

‘I’m just saying you shouldn’t give up,’ Phin said. ‘Your trouble is that you’re too subtle. I had lunch with you both the other day, and I didn’t have a clue that there had been anything at all between you. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jonathan thinks you don’t care one way or the other. I suggest we have another drink,’ he went on, gesturing for the waitress to bring another round, ‘and plan your strategy.’

I considered that, my brow creased with the effort of thinking after two martinis. ‘You think I should tell Jonathan how I feel?’

‘Absolutely not!’ Phin tutted. ‘Really, Summer, you haven’t got a clue, have you? If you get heavy on him he’ll panic and
think you’re about to drag him off to the suburbs via the nearest registry office—which is what you want, of course, but this is not the time to tell him that. You’ve got to reel him in first.’

‘Well, what do you suggest, if you’re such an expert?’ I asked, wiping mascara away with the napkin. What was the point of waterproof mascara if you couldn’t cry? I would have to write and complain. ‘If I tell him how I feel, I’m too intense. If I don’t, he won’t notice because I’m so boring and predictable.’ I lapsed back into gloom once more.

Another beer and a fresh martini were placed on the table. Phin pushed my glass towards me. ‘For a start, you’ve got to get this idea that you’re boring out of your head,’ he told me sternly. ‘You’re smart, you’re funny—not always deliberately, I’ll grant you—and you’re sexy as hell.’

I
STARED
at him.
Sexy?
I was sensible, practical, reliable. Not sexy.

Jewel was sexy, pressing herself against him and sticking her tongue in his ear. Not me, with my glasses on a chain and my neat suits. Phin was either being kind or making fun of me.

For a fleeting moment I remembered the way I had felt as he’d wiped that blob of cream from my cheek, but then I pushed the memory aside. It was too incongruous.

‘All you’ve got to do is make Jonathan appreciate what an incredible woman you are,’ said Phin.

Yeah, right. ‘How?’ I asked, with a trace of sullenness. ‘He never appreciated how “incredible” I was before.’

‘Make him jealous,’ said Phin promptly. ‘I know guys like Jonathan. Hell, I
am
a guy like Jonathan, and if I saw you with another man I’d be intrigued at the very least. I guarantee Jonathan would start to remember what he saw in you if there’s another guy sniffing around and making it obvious that he thinks you’re incredible.’

‘Well, yes, brilliant idea,’ I said, picking up my glass. The third martini was definitely kicking in now. ‘There’s just one problem. I don’t have another guy.’

‘Start dating again,’ said Phin, as if it was obvious.

‘Oh, sure,’ I said sarcastically. The martinis had made me bolshy, but it was better than snivelling. ‘That’s easy. I’ll just snap my fingers and produce a man.’ I patted my pockets. ‘I’m sure I left one or two lying around somewhere…’

Phin looked at me appreciatively. ‘I see you’re feeling better,’ he said. ‘Look, it can’t be that hard for a girl who looks like you to find a guy. Go and stand at the bar and smile, and I bet they’ll be falling over themselves. Better still, eat a cream doughnut.’

There was a tiny silence. I flickered a glance at Phin. He was smiling, but the blue eyes held that odd expression again—the one that made me feel as if the world was tilting out of kilter.

‘You have no idea, do you?’ he said.

I swallowed. I didn’t want to remember that disconcerting wave of heat. I didn’t want to think about what it meant.

‘I don’t think it would be that easy,’ I told him, my eyes sliding away from his. ‘And even if I
did
find a boyfriend who wouldn’t mind the fact that I don’t actually want to be with him, when would Jonathan ever find out?’

‘I see what you mean. Someone at work would be better.’

‘Except if it was someone at work Jonathan would just feel sorry for him.’ My confidence was crumbling again. Quick, it was time for another gulp of pomegranate martini.

‘Not if it was obvious he was mad about you.’

‘Oh, so now I have to find a boyfriend who can act, too? I’d have to hire him, and where do you suggest I look?’

‘What about right here?’

I looked around the bar. ‘How do I know if any of these guys can act? Well, the barmen are probably resting actors, but I’d never dare talk to them—they’re far too cool.’

‘No,
here
,’ said Phin, tapping his chest.

My jaw dropped. ‘
You?
’

‘There’s no need to look like that! I’m perfect.’

‘I know you think so,’ said the third martini, and Phin grinned.

‘I do think so, and so will you if you think about it,’ he said. ‘Jonathan can hardly not notice if you’re with me, and I think you’ll find I’m not a bad actor. They still talk about my Ugly Sister in the school pantomime and, according to my mother, I stole the show in the nativity play as the sheep that fell over when it tried to kneel in front of the manger.’

‘I don’t know why you’re not in line for an Oscar,’ I said, ‘but why would you want to squander your great talent on me?’

‘I like you,’ said Phin simply, ‘even if you are a bit sharp with me sometimes. If I can help you, I will. Besides, it might work out quite well for me from a PR point of view.’

I frowned. ‘How do you work that out?’

‘Think about it. Jonathan was very keen to push my family credentials in the
Glitz
interview. How better to do that than pretend I’m about to settle down with you? You can hang around and look good for the article, which means that even if Jonathan hasn’t got the idea before, he definitely will then. A double whammy.’

He sat back smugly while I sipped my martini and considered what he had said. Surely it couldn’t be as easy as Phin seemed to believe?

‘What about Jewel?’ I prevaricated.

‘What about her? You said yourself that she’s been going out with someone else, poor guy. I’m well out of that one!’ said Phin. ‘I wouldn’t have had a plate left in the house. But now I come to think of it,’ he went on, ‘it might not be a bad idea to let her see I’m unavailable now. Just in case she’s thinking she might pick up where we left off before I went to Peru.’

‘I can’t believe you’d have much trouble finding someone
else to make sure she gets the point,’ I demurred. ‘There must be much more likely types who would give the impression that you’re ready to settle down.’

‘I wouldn’t want to give anyone the wrong idea,’ said Phin, not bothering to deny it. It would have been annoying if he had, but I was annoyed anyway. ‘I’m not the settling down kind,’ he said. ‘At least with you we’d both know it was just a pretence.’

I blame it on the pomegranate martinis, but it was starting to make a weird kind of sense.

‘No one would believe that I was really your girlfriend,’ I said. ‘You’re used to going out with actresses and models.’

‘Which is why they’ll think I’m serious if they see me with you.’

My, this was doing wonders for my ego.

‘It would only be for a few weeks,’ Phin was saying. ‘You wouldn’t have to do much. Just be seen out at a few parties with me and hang around looking like a girlfriend for the interview. Then we can seem to break it off later, so I can carry on avoiding commitment while you walk off into the sunset with Jonathan.’

‘Do you really think it would make a difference with Jonathan?’ I asked wistfully.

‘Listen, do you really want him back or not?’

‘I really do.’

‘Even though he’s made you feel boring and unlovable?’

‘I love him,’ I said, dangerously close to getting weepy again.

‘OK,’ said Phin, ‘if Jonathan is what you really want, then I think you deserve what you want. The first thing is to make him realise that you’re not boring at all, that you’re quite capable of being spontaneous when you’ve got the right incentive. Make him think that it’s
his
fault you never had much
fun with him—which it probably is, by the way. We’re going to convince him that we’re having a raging affair, and he’s sure to sit up and take notice.’

‘How do we go about having an affair?’ I said doubtfully. I couldn’t see myself being convincing as someone in the throes of a raging affair somehow. It wasn’t the kind of thing I would do. It wasn’t the kind of thing I liked, to be honest. It smacked too much of losing control and abandoning yourself. I liked things calm and steady and
safe
.

‘Well, let’s see,’ said Phin with a grin. ‘I could take you back to my place. We’ll say it’s just for a drink, but we won’t be able to keep our hands off each other. The moment we’re through the front door I’ll start kissing you, and you’ll kiss me back. You’ll fall back against the door and pull me with you—’

‘I don’t mean really have an affair,’ I interrupted, scarlet. I was horrified at how vividly I could imagine it, and there was a strange thumping deep inside me. Jonathan had never lost control like that. I was beginning to feel very odd, but I hoped very much that was down to the martinis. ‘I meant…how would we make everyone believe it? We can hardly send round an e-mail announcement that we’re sleeping together.’

Phin didn’t seem to think that would be a problem. ‘We’ll go to a couple of parties, maybe leave work together—or even better arrive together—and word will get round in no time. If you can contrive to blush whenever my name is mentioned in the Ladies’, or wherever you girls all congregate, so much the better. And remember how besotted I’m going to be with you,’ he went on. ‘I won’t be able to keep my hands off you—especially when Jonathan is around. I don’t think it will take long before he gets the point.’

I buried my nose in my martini, trying not to wonder what
it would be like to have Phin putting his arm around me, sliding his hand down my back. Would he twine his fingers around mine? Would he stroke my hair?

Would he
kiss
me?

The breath rushed out of my lungs at the thought.
Would
he? And if he did what would it be like?

My heart was thudding painfully—ba-
boom
, ba-
boom
, ba-
boom
—and I had to moisten my lips before I could speak. This was about Jonathan, remember?

‘But if Jonathan thinks I’m with you, he’ll assume I’m not interested in him any more,’ I objected.

‘Once he starts paying attention—and he will—you’ll have to let him know that you just might be tempted away from me. If you can do it without seeming too keen. You might have to spend some time alone together…’ Phin snapped his fingers. ‘Of course! Jonathan can come to Cameroon. If you can’t seduce him back on a steamy tropical night, Summer, I wash my hands of you!’

I thought about it as I sucked on the long curl of orange peel which was all that was left at the bottom of my glass. Apart from the reminder of Cameroon, which I’d been rather hoping he’d forgotten about, I was struggling to think of a good argument as to why Phin’s idea wouldn’t work.

The third martini wasn’t helping. I was feeling distinctly fuzzy by now, and finding it hard to concentrate.

Phin followed my gaze to the empty glass. ‘Had enough?’ he asked, and I bridled at the humorous understanding in his voice.

A sensible girl would say yes at this point, but being sensible hadn’t got me anywhere, had it?

‘No,’ I said clearly. Well, it was
meant
to sound clear. Whether it did is doubtful. ‘I’d love another one.’

One of Phin’s brows lifted. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Absho—ab
so
lutely sure.’

‘It’s your hangover,’ he said, the corner of his mouth quirking in that lop-sided smile of his. He beckoned the waitress over. ‘Another pomegranate martini for my little lush here, and I’ll have another half.’

I waited until she had set the glasses on the table. Part of me knew quite well that Phin’s plan was madness, but I hadn’t been able to come up with a single argument to convince him how ridiculous the idea was.

‘Do you really think it would work?’ I asked, almost shyly.

‘What’s the worst that could happen if it doesn’t?’ Phin countered. ‘You’d be in the same situation you are now, but at least you’ll know you did everything you could to make your dream come true. That has to be better than just sitting and watching it disappear, doesn’t it? And, if nothing else, we’ll have promoted the family image of Gibson & Grieve with this interview. As a good company girl, I know you’ll be glad to have done your bit!’

He was watching my face.

‘It’s a risk,’ he said in a different voice, ‘but you don’t get what you really want without taking chances.’

I looked back at him, biting my lip.

‘So,’ he said, lifting his glass, ‘do we have a deal?’

And I, God help me, chinked my glass against his. ‘Deal,’ I said.

‘Good morning, Summer!’ Phin’s cheery greeting scraped across my thumping head.

‘Not so loud,’ I whispered, without even lifting my head from the desk, where I’d been resting it ever since I’d staggered into work twenty minutes earlier. Late, for the first time in my life. I would have been mortified if I had had any
feelings to spare. As it was, I had to save my energy for basic survival. Breathing was about all I could manage right then, and even that hurt.

‘Oh, dear, dear, dear.’ I could picture him standing over me, blue eyes alight with laughter, lips pursed in mock reproach. ‘Is it possible you’re regretting that last martini?’

I groaned. ‘Go away and leave me to die in peace!’

‘Aren’t you feeling well?’ Phin enquired solicitously.

‘How could you possibly have guessed that?’ I mumbled, still afraid to move my head in case it fell off.

‘I’m famed for my powers of deduction. The FBI are always calling me up and asking me to help them out.’

I didn’t even have the energy to roll my eyes. ‘How many martinis did you make me drink last night?’

‘Me? It wasn’t me that insisted on another round, or the next, or the next…I asked you if you were sure, and you said that you were. Absolutely sure, you said,’ he reminded me virtuously, and I hated the laughter in his voice.

I only had the vaguest memory of getting home the night before. Phin. A taxi. Anne’s astonished face as I reeled in the door.

‘Oh, God…I’m going to be a statistic,’ I moaned into the desk. ‘I’ll be one of those moody binge drinkers we’re always hearing about who throw away their entire careers.’

‘You don’t think you might be exaggerating just a teeny bit?’ said Phin. ‘Letting your hair down once in a while isn’t the end of the world.’

It certainly felt like the end of the world to me. I’d never been closer to pulling a sickie. I couldn’t even
imagine
a time when I would feel better. My forehead stayed where it was, pressing into the desk. ‘If you knew how awful I felt, you wouldn’t say that.’

‘You were great fun,’ he offered, but that was no consolation to me then. ‘You were the life and soul of the bar by the time I managed to bundle you into a taxi. It’s one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time. I think I’m going to enjoy going out with you.’

‘I’m not going out ever again,’ I vowed.

‘You’ll have to. How else will everyone know how in love we are?’

Very cautiously, I turned my head on the desk and squinted up at him. ‘Please tell me last night was all a bad dream.’

‘Certainly not!’ said Phin briskly. ‘We had a deal. You drank to it—several times, if I recall. Besides, we’re committed. I met Lex on my way in and asked if I could take you to some drinks party he’s having on Friday.’