Off the Record (24 page)

Don’t get me wrong. The sex, as always, was phenomenal. And Linc held me tightly as he drifted off to sleep. But then I let prudence and my cold heart guide my actions. I slipped away and went back to my own bed. Where I laid awake, thinking about Linc. I finally fell asleep close to dawn.

Despite my lack of sleep, today has been wonderful. Linc went off to visit some buddies that play for the Carolina Hurricanes and mom and I went shopping together.

She looks fantastic...my mother. She’s feeling healthy and her recent checkup with her oncologist went perfectly. And even as great as all of that is, I still walk around dreading that any day, the cancer could come back.

My mom at least had the fortitude to wait until lunch before she hit me up about Linc.

“I really like Linc a lot, Ever. Such a nice man.”

“Mmmm. Hmmm,” is all I said.

“He really seems to have his act together. And he’s such a gentleman.”

“Yup.”

“He’s really gorgeous, don’t you think?”

Oh, God, mom...really? “Oh, I don’t know. He’s okay, I guess.” Even though he’s hotter than Adonis.

“Ever Montgomery, quit playing coy with me. I heard you go into his room last night. I saw the way you two look at each other. Now fess up. What is going on?”

My face turned as red as a beet. She knew I was in his room last night? Oh, the mortification. “I’m sorry, mom. We didn’t mean to disrespect you or anything.”

“Oh, stop it, Ever. You’re an adult. Linc’s an adult. I’m wise enough to know my baby girl isn’t a virgin. You did live with Marc for almost a year.”

I didn’t even know what to say. The burn of embarrassment still flowed through my veins. But I did need my mother’s advice, so I needed to push past that. She already knew we were sleeping together, so I might as well get some good mom thoughts on the issue.

I sighed dramatically, because the whole situation just seemed so overwhelming. “Mom...it’s just sex. That’s all it is. I mean...that’s all it is for me. It’s a bit more for Linc.”

“I don’t believe you, Ever. You have too much of a heart for it to just be sex.”

I look into my mother’s eyes. They are round and blue, like mine. They are also wise and full of sage wisdom, unlike mine. “I can’t, mom. I can’t let myself be hurt again.”

“But what if you’re hurting, Linc?”

“Then we have to part ways. I don’t want to hurt him.”

My mom smiles at me in a knowing way. She sees something but I’m not sure what. She decides to enlighten me. “There mere fact that you don’t want to hurt Linc means you already care for him. You may say otherwise, but trust me, your heart is already involved.”

Oh, God. I was so afraid of that. I mean, really afraid.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” I whispered.

“Baby...you can do anything you set your mind to. I think the chance that you may have something really great is worth it.”

And now, as I stand here looking at myself in the mirror, I have to make a decision. Do I continue down this path, and open up my heart to Linc? Maybe I can open it up just a bit, and see where it takes me. If I sense danger, I could always pull back, right?

I wish the decision were easy, but I don’t have a sure feeling one way or the other. I sigh, and decide to leave this thought for another day.

Opening my bedroom door, I step out into the hallway at the same time Linc comes out of his room. He looks amazing. His hair is still wet from a shower. He’s dressed up for my mom’s birthday dinner, even though it will just be the three of us, and that action alone touches my heart. I can feel the ice starting to melt, dripping away.

I take two steps toward him and wrap my arms around his neck. His arms come around my waist and I realize that it feels good. Damn good.

“Hi,” I say softly.

“Hi, yourself.”

“You look great,” I tell him.

“You look even better.”

“How about a kiss to prove it,” and I can’t help the breathless tone to my voice.

Linc runs his thumb over my bottom lip before he leans down and takes my mouth. It is sweet, devoid of passion, and I find myself melting into it.

He pulls away and links his hand with mine. “Come on...let’s go wish your mom a happy birthday.”

You know how sometimes, things can be going so well, and you may not think you deserve that little sliver of happiness, yet you decide to bask in it all the same. And then, the bottom drops out on you and you didn’t see it coming because you were sidetracked by that stupid, little sliver of happiness?

Well, that’s happening to me right now.

Our birthday celebration with my mom was spectacular. She raved over the Chicken Marsala I made, and she and Linc had two slices of the chocolate cake I slaved over. Linc, so kind and thoughtful, had bought my mom a silver charm bracelet, and filled it with Duke Blue Devil charms. The mere fact that he remembered my mom was a Duke alumni caused my heart to thaw a little more.

We are all sitting around the dining room table, and Linc is holding my hand, and I am thinking that the moment is absolutely perfect, when I hear someone call from the front door. “Sammy...it’s me...John.”

My hand reflexively tightens on Linc’s and he looks at me with surprise. I don’t know what my face looks like, but his face immediately fills with worry. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

“It’s my father.”

And there he is, walking into the dining room. He even has a wrapped birthday gift in his hand.

It galls me that he feels he can just come and go in my mother’s house. He has no right.

My dad looks at me, then at Linc, then at my mom. He walks over to her. “Happy birthday, Sammy.”

I wince as my mother stands up and gives him a hug. “Thanks, John. Is that for me?”

“Yeah. Just a little something I picked up for you,” he says, handing her the gift.

“That’s so sweet. Thank you.” My mom takes the gift and just holds it. She looks at me with worry. The silence is oppressive and my mom seeks to alleviate it.

“John...this is Linc Caldwell. He’s a friend of Ever’s.”

My dad steps around the table and Linc stands to greet him, briefly releasing my hand. I feel cold and alone. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Montgomery.”

“Likewise.”

Linc sits back down and immediately picks up my hand. He starts rubbing his thumb across the back, almost desperately trying to give me consolation, although he has no idea why I need it. The silence gets thick again, and my dad glances back and forth between me and my mom.

“Would you like some cake, John?” My mom is nervous, I can tell. I can alleviate this nervousness if I wanted, simply by talking to my dad. But I don’t.

“No thanks. Cathryn is expecting me home for dinner. I wanted to stop by and talk to Ever actually.”

My hand tightens around Linc’s again, and I just stare at my dad, willing him to go away. No such luck, though. My mom, being the gracious southern woman that she is, said, “Linc...why don’t you help me in the kitchen while Ever and her dad talk.”

I finally find my voice and say, “I don’t have anything to say to him.”

The look on my dad’s face is pained and my heart actually leaps with joy that I have hurt him. I glance to Linc and he has the same look of worry on his face he has been sporting since he felt me tense up when my dad walked in.

“Ever,” my mom pleads. “It’s my birthday. Please...just talk to him.”

I stand up from the table, releasing Linc’s hand. I can feel the tell-tale sign of tears stinging my eyes. My mom is pitting my love for her against my loathing for my dad, and normally my love for her would win out. But I just can’t do it.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I just can’t. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a walk.”

I spin on my heel, and practically flee the house. I can hear my mother call after me, but I don’t stop. I run out of the house, making it halfway down the block before I slow down.

Within just a minute, I hear footsteps beside me, and then Linc is there, putting his hand in mine. He doesn’t say anything, just walks beside me while he holds my hand.

Three blocks down from my mom’s house sits a little park. It’s nothing really but a small parcel of land with some playground equipment and nice shrubbery. Linc leads me over to a bench and we sit down. He puts his arm around me, drawing me into his shoulder.

“Whatever it is...you can tell me,” he offers and kisses the top of my head.

I’m silent for a minute, but then I decide to let Linc know exactly how fucked up I am. “When my mom got cancer, I was just sixteen. You know...it’s that time in your life when everything should be great, right? I was Captain of our cross country team, I was dating the most popular boy, and everything was just perfect in my life. And then my world came tumbling down. My mom’s diagnosis was grim, so I felt like I had already lost her. I started grieving really hard, even before she started her actual treatment. My dad...he was in denial at first, but then as mom started to undergo her treatments, he started to understand how real it was.”

“What happened?” Linc asks.

I turn my head up to look at him. “He left us, Linc. He left us because he couldn’t deal with my mom being sick.”

“He left?” Linc is bewildered by my accusation.

I nod my head. “Just three weeks after she started her treatments. He sat us both down in the living room and told us that he just couldn’t handle it. That he couldn’t handle watching his wife die, and he wanted out. He packed his stuff up that night and left. He left me to worry about her. To drive her to her treatments. To mop up her vomit. He left me to clean up the hair from her pillowcase as it fell out of her head, and he left me to be the one to hold her at night when she got so cold that nothing would warm her up. He didn’t just leave his wife, Linc. He left his daughter to handle all of that on her own. I was sixteen for fuck’s sake!”

The tears I had felt prickling never fell. They haven’t fallen since that day my father walked out of our lives. I had cried my eyes out that day, and then that was the last time I ever let them fall again.

It felt good to just get those words out, to share some of that pain, and it made it easy to push the sorrow back.

“I’m so sorry, Ever. That was a totally selfish thing for your father to do.”

“He at least had the manners to wait a few months before he started seeing someone else. His current wife, Cathryn. And you know what burns me up the most...that my mom has forgiven him. That she doesn’t mind him coming over, and calling her Sammy, and bringing her presents. I mean, what self-respecting woman does that?”

Linc is cautious when he says, “Your mom is just a very forgiving person, Ever. That’s her way. It doesn’t have to be yours, but it doesn’t mean that she’s wrong either.”

My gut instinct is to shout at him for taking her side, but when it boils down to it, he’s right. I have no right to judge my mom for her actions. But she has no right to judge mine. It’s my right to withhold forgiveness.

“Linc...my father...what he did to us...it’s why I’m so distrustful. It really has nothing to do with what Marc did to me. I mean, that didn’t help, but it really comes down to my father. I mean, if a man can leave his wife while she’s sick, how can I trust that you won’t hurt me?”

“Oh, baby,” Linc says with such softness. “Not all men are the same. You have to know that, right?”

“That’s the problem,” I tell him with candor. “I don’t know that.”