Off Sides (10 page)

Ryan

I'm at my arraignment hearing the day after my arrest. Uncle Jim brought me one of my suits to wear and he's sitting with Danny behind me. I glance back at her and give her a reassuring smile. She returns it and mouths
I love you
.

Uncle Jim hired me a really good lawyer and he has prepared me that the judge will probably not throw the charges out at this point, but that I should be able to make bail with no problems. This satisfies me.

I know I should be afraid at the prospect of getting convicted but I'm not. And I have no regrets for beating that shit the way I did. I'd do it again if he even looks at Danny the wrong way. The only solace I have right now is that he is in jail for attempted rape and will most likely not make bail.

The hearing is short. I stand as the judge reads the charges against me and asks how I plead. I want to say, "I'd do it all over again, Your Honor" but instead I say, "Not Guilty" as my attorney instructed me to do. Bail is set at $10,000 which is easy money and then the hearing is over.

My attorney tells Uncle Jim and Danny that he'll walk me through the process of paying the bail and getting me released, and that we will meet them on the front steps of the courthouse.

***

I walk out of the courthouse and immediately loosen the tie around my throat. I've always felt too confined in them. I glance around looking for Danny and Uncle Jim and when I find her my blood starts to boil. My mother is standing there and she and Uncle Jim are arguing. Danny is pale looking. 

I jog over to them and as I come up behind my mother, I hear her say, "Well, he wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for her. Girls like her bring this stuff upon themselves."

"Celia!" My uncle says with warning. "That's enough."

I brush past my mother and gather Danny in my arms. I give her a hug and kiss her on her forehead. I pull back and look at her. She gives me a shaky smile.

Turning to my mother, I say the words that need to be said. "Mother, you've said the last hurtful thing about Danny that I will tolerate. I'm done with you. Do not contact me or reach out to me again. In fact, how about you just pretend I never existed."

Danny and my mother both gasp out loud.

"Ryan," my mother pleads. "You don't mean that. You can't choose her over your family."

I feel Danny flinch in my arms over those words. I look at my mom levelly. "Listen carefully, Mother, because I mean this with every fiber of my being. I am choosing love. I am choosing someone who loves me unconditionally, no matter what. It's as simple as that."

I turn and walk away, pulling Danny along with me. I can hear my mother crying and I even hear Uncle Jim say, "You brought it upon yourself, Celia."

We walk to my Range Rover that Danny had driven today. She hands me the keys and I open the door to let her in. Before she steps in, I stop her and she looks at me. She has purple bruising over her right cheekbone. I reach my fingers out and skim over it gently. She closes her eyes at the touch.

I smooth my fingers into her hair and slide them to the back of her head. I need her so badly. I need to know none of this is scaring her away from me. Pulling her face toward mine, I tentatively touch my lips to hers. She sighs into me and lets herself go, entwining her tongue around mine. Relief courses through me as I realize I've not lost her.

***

We are lying in Danny's bed, naked, and thoroughly replete. I'm on my back and she's lying on top of me with her head on my chest. I'm stroking her hair and her back, both feeling like silk under my palm.

Our lovemaking was slow and tender. When we got to her apartment, Danny's first words were, "Touch me, please. Make me forget."

And I did.

"What are you thinking?" Danny asks me.

"I'm actually thinking of your music. Can you get back into Julliard?"

Danny is quiet but then she answers softly. "I believe so. My audition was really good. And I withdrew for hardship reasons so I shouldn't have a problem."

"I think you should go back."

Her body stiffens in my arms and the lazy circles she was drawing on my chest with her fingers still.

"I can't afford it right now."

I sit up and pull her up with me. Holding her by the shoulders, I say, "Then let me help you."

Danny's shaking her head back and forth.

"Why not?" I demand.

My tone is harsh and I've never spoken to her this way before. She's taken aback for only a few seconds before her eyes go green on me with anger.

"Because I'm not some whore who takes gifts in return for sex. I already have enough of your friends calling me that...I don’t need any more."

My mouth hangs open. "Is that what you think I'm doing? Paying you for sex?"

She doesn't say anything but won't meet my eyes. I gently take hold of her chin and make her meet my gaze. "Danny...I love you. I want to help you achieve your dreams. That's what people in love do for each other."

Danny deflates right in front of me and crawls onto my lap. "I know, and I'm sorry I'm such a bitch about this. It just seems weird to me. And I’m sensitive about how others view me. You’re mom things I’m a gold digging tramp, remember?"

I'm quiet for a minute as I'm stroking her hair. Then I venture, "Would you feel different if we were married?"

She snaps her head up so hard it catches me on my chin with a resounding crack.

"Ouch," she swears.

I start laughing and rub the top of her head although I feel like I've been hit in the chin with a metal pipe.

Snuggling back to my chest, she softly says, "Don't joke about things like that. It's not funny."

"Who says I'm joking?"

She leans back to look at me once again, more carefully this time so we don't bang heads. Her eyes are wide and incredulous. "Ryan, we've known each other for like two seconds. How can you even think about marriage?"

Taking Danny's hands in mind, I look her dead in the eyes. "I can think it because I know, Danny.  You're my one and only. Just like I'm yours. You know it's true."

She smiles and then kisses me. She doesn't respond and moves her mouth down my throat. She's trying to distract me but I'm not going to let it go. I'll just have to keep working on her until she either accepts my offer to help her with school or she agrees to marry me and then all of my money will be hers as well.

For now, Danny pushes me back down onto the bed and straddles me. As she rises up, I get lost in the perfection that hovers above me. We'll discuss school and marriage later.

***

The next morning, I get up early and cook Danny breakfast while she sleeps. We have a big day because Malone's arraignment is today and she wants to be present. And there's no way I'm letting her go alone.

Then I have to go see Coach and fill him in on everything. Given the criminal charges against me, I'm fully prepared to lose my Captaincy. Hell, I may get tossed off the team. Again, I still can't have a single regret for what I did.

I'm flipping pancakes when Paula walks in. Her hair is sticking up all over the place and she's rubbing her eyes.

"G'mornin'," she mumbles. "Danny still sleeping?"

"Good morning, sunshine. How many pancakes do you want? And yes, Sleeping Beauty is still...well...sleeping."

Paula holds up two fingers to indicate her pancake preference and pours herself a cup of coffee.

"How's she doing?" she asks me quietly.

"She's okay. Her face is a little sore but she's otherwise doing fine."

I finish Paula's pancakes for her and hand her the plate. I turn the stove off.

"Can I ask you something?"

Paula looks at me while stuffing a fork full into her mouth then nods.

"I offered to help Danny go back to Julliard, but she won't let me. So I offered her marriage, and she looked at me like I was crazy. What in the hell am I doing wrong?"

Paula looked at me like I was the biggest dumbass on the face of the earth. She swallowed her food and took a sip of coffee. "Seriously, Ryan. You're such a dumbass."

See, what'd I tell you?

"What is so wrong with me wanting to help her fulfill her dreams?" I sound petulant but I can't help it. I don't see how I can be wrong about this.

"Listen up and listen hard. I'm going to give you the best advice you've ever had." She pauses for dramatic effect, and then says, "Wait."

I anticipate more pearls of wisdom but none are forthcoming.

"That's it? Just 'wait'?"

Paula nods.

"And that's really the best advice I've ever had?"

"You can thank me at any time." She grins at me.

I sigh. "Please expound just a little bit more. My brain is apparently not comprehending you right now."

Paula pushes her plate back and picks up her mug of coffee. Sitting back in her seat, she looks at me with a smile. "You're a good man, Ryan. All you need to do is give our Danny some time and she'll come around. She's been through a lot lately. I'm telling you, just give her time and let your offers sink in. My girl is no dummy. She'll meet you halfway, I guarantee it."

The pressure in my chest eases up and I smile fully at Paula. "Thanks. That makes me feel a ton better."

"What makes you feel a ton better?" Danny asks as she pads into the kitchen, her eyes heavy with sleep.

Her hair is a knotted mess, probably due to our activities last night. She walks up to me and crawls onto my lap. I rub my nose along the side of hers and say, "Oh, nothing. Paula was giving me a home remedy for some heartburn I've been having."

Danny yawns and snuggles into me. "That's nice," she says sleepily.

I look over the top of her head at Paula who gives me a conspiratorial wink.

I wink back and hug my girl.

Danny

The arraignment hearing is over and it couldn't have gone any better. Reece pled not guilty but was denied bail. It was painful sitting in the same room as him. I couldn't not help but think about how close he came to destroying me. I shudder imagining it and Ryan squeezes my hand.

Ryan sure did a number on him. His nose is in a splint and the district attorney said he has to have surgery on it. The rest of his face is covered with cuts and bruises. I glance at Ryan and he is glaring daggers at Reece.

After Court, Ryan drops Paula and me back at my apartment. He has a class to go to and then hockey practice. I have a shift at the diner. We make plans for him to come over to my place tonight after I get off work.

The dinner rush finally slows down around 7:30 p.m. and I pour myself a glass of ice water. Sipping at it, I watch as the door to the diner opens and in walks Ryan's mom. There is a young girl with her that has the same dark hair and whiskey eyes as Ryan. It must be his sister, Emily. She wears the same scowl as her mother.

My heart starts a mad thump in my chest. She's looking straight at me and there's no doubt that she has come here to talk to me. I watch with trepidation as she walks up to the counter and inclines her head at me.

"Danny, would you be willing to talk to me?"

I nod my head, terrified of what she's going to say. I want nothing to do with this woman but I can't be sure she isn't here to try to patch things up with Ryan. And I would very much like them to make up.

I lead them over to a booth at the back of the diner. Celia doesn't bother to introduce me to his sister.

We sit down in the booth, Ryan's family on one side and me on the other. How apropos.

I look expectantly at Celia to say something. She doesn't mince any words. "It's no secret that I don't want Ryan seeing you. He clearly will not listen to me or see reason. So I need you to break things off with him."

Astounded, all I can do is stare at her. Does she think I'm just going to jump to do her bidding?

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Burnham, but you are sadly mistaken if you think I'm going to walk away from Ryan."

I watch as she leans over into her purse and pulls out a checkbook. She looks me straight in the eye and asks, "What is it going to cost me?"

Laughter bubbles up from my mouth and I can't hold it in. I know it's rude but I can't help it. This woman is trying to buy me off and the absurdity of it tickles me. She, on the other hand, doesn't see the humor and just waits for me to respond.

Finally, I remove the smile from my face and look at her solemnly. "There is no amount, Mrs. Burnham. I don't need or want your money."

She scoffs. "Nonsense. Everyone needs money."

I shake my head. “I don't. Now, if you'll excuse me..."

"Isn't it obvious, Mother?" Emily drawls.

My gaze snaps to her and I wait to see what she says.

"She's going to decline your money because she thinks Ryan is a bigger gravy train. She's in it for the long haul."

If I could reach across the table and throttle Ryan's sister, I would do it in a heartbeat. I remain calm though and stand up from the booth. I look down at them. "I'm sorry your trip here was wasted. Now I have to get back to work."

I turn to walk away but then Mrs. Burnham calls out softly. "Ryan is going to be ruined, you know?"

I'm not sure if this is a ploy but I turn my attention back to her. She merely points her finger at the seat I had just vacated and I sigh as I sit back down.

"I can make Ryan's criminal charges go away. My attorney has had contact with Mr. Malone's attorney, and we can offer him a very nice settlement in return for him dropping the charges against Ryan."

My eyebrows raise and now she has my complete attention. "That's wonderful," I say with excitement.

"Yes, I suppose it is," she says dryly. "But I'm not going to waste my money on this deal if Ryan is still with you. If you want me to bail Ryan out of this mess, you will break up with him and get out of his life for good."

My heart sinks to my stomach and turns into a lead weight. The solution to Ryan's criminal charges lie with this woman, and the price is steep. She wants me to give up the one thing in my life that represents a lifetime of love and happiness.

I try to call her bluff. "You wouldn't abandon Ryan like that."

She arches a perfectly plucked eyebrow at me. "Wouldn't I? He's already turned his back on our family, why wouldn't I do the same thing?

I suck in my breath. How could the woman that birthed such a wonderful man as Ryan do this to him? Having had the most loving and wonderful mother in the world, it’s just beyond my comprehension.

I bite at my lip and glance out the window at the darkened street. It was only ten short days ago that Ryan walked into my life...right here in this very diner. And now, I am being asked to make a decision to give it all up. I've sadly come full circle.

Mrs. Burnham leans across the table. "Look...I can see you're a nice enough girl. But you could be his downfall. If he gets convicted, he can kiss a hockey career goodbye. Without my support in getting these charges dropped, Ryan could end up in prison. Do you want that to be on your head?"

My shoulders slump in defeat. What she is offering is the only sure way to get Ryan out of trouble.  Trouble he would not have been in had he never even met me.

Celia leans forward and her look is coldly masterful.  “Let me also make this clear. If you see Ryan or talk to him after the charges are dropped, I will personally see to it that he doesn’t get into the NHL.  My husband has enough contacts that can kill any chances of him having this hockey career that he so very much desires.”

This woman is a monster but I do nothing more than give a small nod of my head in agreement to her demands.

"Excellent. I expect you to break things off with him immediately."

She stands from the booth and Emily crawls out behind her. I keep my eyes down on the Formica table until they leave. Then I let the tears flow.

***

Ryan is due at my apartment any minute and I'm trying to compose myself in a way that will make this breakup believable. I've asked Paula to make herself scarce tonight. She wants to know what is going on and I tell her I'll fill her in later. I'm sure her shoulders will be soggy by the time she gets me under control.

There's a knock at my door and my heart feels shredded already. I probably have less than five minutes left of having Ryan in my life. This is the same pain I felt when I lost my mother and I never thought I would feel this way again.

I open the door and Ryan steps in. He wraps his arms around me and buries his nose in my hair. I cling to him tightly for a moment and then step away. Staying in his arms any longer could be disastrous for what I need to do.

Ryan starts jabbering about practice but I'm only catching about every fourth word. I'm too preoccupied with how to launch into my speech.

"Are you okay, Danny? Have you heard a word I've said?"

He's looking at me with a soft smile on his face and his head is angled in curiosity.

"I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I said the school is letting me stay on the team until we have resolution on the criminal charges. Even better, the entire team voted to have me remain as Captain. They're really rallying around us."

He takes me in his arms again and kisses me. His enthusiasm is infectious and I let it sweep me away for a few minutes. I want to have more memories of him so I will take these kisses as payment for the evil job I’m getting ready to do.

My body is eagerly responding to Ryan and I know if I don't back away, we are going to end up in bed together. And I most certainly cannot let that happen. There's no way I'll survive a goodbye fuck with the man I love.

I step back from Ryan and walk over to the couch.

"Ry...can we talk for a few minutes?"

I'm wringing my hands as I take a seat and the look on Ryan's face is cautious. He sits beside me and leans back, placing one arm on the back of the couch. I turn sideways so I can look him in the face.

I owe it to him to look him in the face when I break his heart.

Ryan skims my hair with gentle fingertips and tucks it behind my ear. I relish his touch. "What's wrong, baby? You're starting to worry me."

I reach out and grasp his hand and squeeze it tightly in mine. The tears pool in my eyes and I take a steadying breath.

"Ryan...I can't see you anymore." I look at him and I can tell he doesn't comprehend. "I can't be with you anymore. I want to break up."

Ryan pushes forward on the couch and frames my face with his hands so I'm focused on him. "Tell me this is a joke."

I shake my head, lowering my eyes. I can’t stand the sorrow on his face. "It's not."

"Why?" he demands.

I start crying in earnest. How do I say words that aren't true but are guaranteed to slice deeply into his heart?

"I can't handle any of this..." I say vaguely.

"You'll have to be more specific, Danny," he grits out.

Ryan's face is awash in anger and disbelief. My stomach is rolling and my head is pounding. He's going to make me irrevocably hurt him.

I stand up and straighten my spine. I dash my tears away and look at him with as much disgust as I can muster. "You bring too much misery and chaos to my life, Ryan. Your parents hate me. Your friends think I'm a whore.”

“But we’ve talked about this. We’re handling those things together. I don’t believe those things are driving you away from me.”

I have to make the final push so he believes me. My soul dies over my next words. “For God’s sake, Ryan...I almost got raped because of some pissing contest you had with your teammate. It’s your fault.”

Ryan’s face blanches and so much pain fills his eyes that I think I might vomit. He’s so wounded right now and I am the one that did this to him. My heart shrivels and dies. I’ll never be able to forgive myself.

Ryan looks down at the carpet, confusion on his face. Then he looks back up at me.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly. "I didn't mean to cause you any pain."

Oh my God. I'm getting ready to lose it in front of him and I need him to leave before I break down and confess his mother's wicked plot. I reach on the other side of the couch and pull out my violin case. I walk to the door and open it. "Please leave, Ryan and don't contact me again."

I'm looking at the floor, trying to stop the flood of tears I can feel coming. Ryan walks up to me and I can feel him staring at me hard. I hold the case out. "Take the violin. I don't want it."

He doesn't say anything for a minute and I refuse to look at him. Finally, he says, "It was a gift to you, Danny. Throw it away if you don’t want it."

Then he steps out the door and out of my life.

I softly close the door behind him and then sink to the floor, weeping for the torment I caused him.