October Joy (Moments In Paradise 1) (14 page)

The Meadow was also a special place to go to with Joshua.  His playful nature came out more with the children than at any other time.  The boys wrestled with him and the girls liked piggyback rides, and Joshua smiled and laughed and treated them all so tenderly.

Annika couldn’t imagine Paradise without children.  She knew it meant heartbreak for those who had lost their children on Earth.  It had always seemed so tragic and senseless to her, and she’d often worried about losing one of her own children, but from this side of things she could see death was only the beginning for them, not the end.  They were safe here.  They were happy.  They were loved so deeply by Joshua and all who knew them.  And they helped everyone here to remain young at heart, but no one more so than Joshua.

***

Andrew slept until seven on Thursday and went for a morning swim in the hotel pool.  After going back upstairs to take a shower and get dressed, he took his things out to the car and drove across town to the shopping district where Sarah’s hotel was.  He went to the jewelry store to pick something up for her and then browsed the bookstore until it was time to meet her.

Knocking on her door once he arrived, he didn’t have to wait long to see her, and she was all packed and ready to go.  He gave her a light kiss, feeling delighted he had the freedom to do that, and he helped carry her things downstairs.  Once they were in the car and headed for the church, he scrutinized her carefully for any reservations about her decision to allow others to see them together today, but she seemed fine.

His heart began to beat double-time when they reached the church.  The thought of walking in there with Sarah at his side seemed a little daunting now that they were here facing  the reality of it.  Her presence with another man would be noticed.

“Are you sure about this, Sarah?” he asked before they got out of the car.  “It’s okay if--”

“I’m sure, Andrew,” she said.  “I need to do this.  I keep thinking about what you said yesterday.  About how Annika learned to say no, and you let it be about her and God, no one else.  I know I need to go back home and start making it about me and God, but I need to start before I get there, or I won’t have the courage to go through with it.”

“And being seen here with me--that’s about you and God?”

“Yes.  It’s about you too, because I want to have these last few hours with you, but it’s also about me believing God is telling me it’s okay for me to be with you.  I either believe Him in this, or I don’t.  And I do.”

He smiled and kissed her.  He loved seeing people take God at His word, and he knew she was right because he felt the exact same way.

***

Sarah meant what she said to Andrew, but she still felt scared out of her mind as they entered the dining room and looked for someplace to sit.  There were no table-assignments today, and Sarah was hoping to sit with Linda and George so they would have at least one ally, but when Andrew spotted the young couple Sarah recognized from the first two days, he suggested they sit with them, and she agreed.

They passed by some people she knew who were already seated, and she said ‘hello’.  They all returned the greeting and didn’t seem to notice Andrew in an obvious way.  When they reached the table, Andrew asked the young couple if they could sit there, and Colton and Rachel welcomed them easily.  The senior pastor and his wife from their church joined them a few minutes later, followed by George and Linda.

“I guess none of you were secretly offended by me,” Andrew said.  “You’re all choosing to sit at my table this time--or are you here to sit by Sarah?”

Everyone laughed.  “I don’t believe you could offend anyone, Andrew,” Linda said.  “You’re the kind of man everyone likes.”

“Oh, I have plenty of people in my church who would argue with you on that.”

They all laughed again.  “Don’t we all,” George said.  “And yet there’s nothing we’d rather do.  What kind of crazy people are we?”

“Pastors,” several of them said in unison.

“All right, what’s all this laughter about?” someone said who was passing by, and Sarah looked up to see Patsy and her husband.

“We’re not supposed to be having fun,” Stanley added.

Patsy spotted her and came to her side.  “Good morning, Sarah.  How are you?”

“I’m fine,” she said.

“Are you glad to be going home today?”

“Yes and no,” she answered honestly.

Patsy seemed to understand without her having to explain, and she didn’t take notice of Andrew sitting beside her.  Wishing her the best, Patsy stepped away, and for the most part Sarah found her morning going that way.

After brunch several people stopped her on the way to the auditorium to say good-bye, but George and Linda were with them, so Andrew’s presence didn’t stand out to anyone.  There were those who knew him too, but no one said, ‘Oh, I see you’re with Sarah.’

Once they had settled in their seats and were waiting for the program to begin, Sarah began to feel a tugging on her heart, like she was holding on to a security blanket and Jesus was gently tugging on the other end, telling her to let Him have it.

What?  I came here with him.  Isn’t that what You wanted me to do?

Yes, but I don’t want you to be ashamed of it.

I’m not.

You are, Sarah.  You’re with him, but you’re not WITH him.  No one can tell he means anything special to you.  He’s your future husband.  Act like it.

But Levi--

Levi’s not here.  Andrew is.

I don’t know how to do this.  You have to help me.

I will.

When the worship leader began the first song, they all stood up to sing, and Sarah heard Andrew singing for the first time all week.  He had always been too far away before.  He had a really nice voice, and closing her eyes to sing in harmony with him, she could almost imagine it was Levi.  He’d had a nice voice too, but as the song progressed, Sarah could hear a difference between the way Levi sang and the way Andrew did.  He was completely lost in the words and the music.  Everything around him had faded out, and it was just him and Jesus.

Sarah wanted to go there with him, but there was a wall she couldn’t figure out how to get past.  Andrew was singing in the presence of God, but she wasn’t.  She was just singing.

The next song was about the beauty of God; the way He loves us; the way He meets our needs; and how we can cry out to Him with joy and thanksgiving because He is our God; and Sarah found the doorway to joining Andrew, but she didn’t know if she had the courage to step through it.

Chapter Thirteen

Andrew was lost in worship like he often was, but today there was a unique reason behind it.  Before leaving the hotel, he’d had his morning-time with Jesus and asked Him something specific.

Should I tell anyone about Sarah when I get home?  Right away, or should I wait?  Should I tell my in-laws when I see them this evening?  Should I tell Grace and Tabby when I talk to them tonight or wait until I get back?  Should I call Drew and Danae and Tate tonight too?

It wasn’t about being ashamed of what was happening between him and Sarah, but simply when would be the best time for his kids to hear the news.  He also wondered when would be the best time to tell his staff and others outside of his family, but his kids were more of a concern because it wasn’t just about him meeting someone and getting remarried, which he knew he had complete freedom to do, but about being married to someone besides their mother.  He knew they didn’t expect him to remain alone forever.  Drew and Danae and Tabby had encouraged him to ask this or that woman out, but he hadn’t been interested.

He expected Gracie to be happy for him, but initially she would be skeptical and probably pretend she was fine with it even if she wasn’t.  Grace liked facts and concrete evidence, so if he told her he wanted to marry Sarah, but she had never met her or had any evidence she existed, that would frustrate her to no end.  She may not want him to be alone, but she wanted the right woman for him, and any candidate better measure up to her mother to a high degree.

He’d been wrestling with the various factors all morning, but as he began to worship with Sarah at his side, he felt a peace come over him it was going to be all right.  He could let Jesus handle it.  He had been concerned yesterday with how uncomfortable Sarah seemed about others seeing them together, but he left that in God’s hands rather than trying to lecture her about her tendency to be a people-pleaser, and now here she was, standing right next to him for all to see.

She had a really beautiful voice, and he wanted to reach for her hand or put his arm around her waist and draw her close to him, but he didn’t know if she was ready to be that obvious, so he kept his hands to himself and fully immersed himself in the presence of God and worshiping Him.  Not just with his voice, but with his whole being.  With his surrender and trust.  With his love and thankfulness.  With his joy-filled heart.  With his heart that had been lonely without Annika for a long time but now had someone to pour out his love and affection on.

During a song that had become one of his favorites, he felt Sarah place her fingers in his hand.  His heart surged at her touch.  He opened his eyes to look at her, but she wasn’t looking at him.  She had her eyes closed too, and she was singing with tears dripping onto her cheeks.

He squeezed her fingers, and she leaned into his side.  He released her hand and slipped his arm around her waist, drawing her close to him like he had been tempted to do a few minutes ago.  Her voice had gone soft and sounded emotional. He matched her volume, closed his eyes, and fell in love with her all over again.

***

Sarah’s mind and heart was a jumble of emotions.  In short, she was a mess.  Before the singing had begun, she glanced around to see who was sitting close by, and there were several couples and pastors who knew Levi well.  If they hadn’t taken special note of the fact she was sitting beside a man they had never met, she knew they would now.

She didn’t care what they thought, but she did wonder about it.  She had peace it was okay for her to be with Andrew, and yet she wondered if it was appropriate to be showing him affection in public.  Trying to shut all that out, all the worry and fear and self-doubt, Sarah focused on two things: her growing love for Andrew, and her thankfulness to God.  And when she did, she felt absolute joy fill her soul that drew her into the presence of God like no other time in her life.

His love had always been there, but she hadn’t always recognized it or accepted it fully.  As far back as she could remember, she had been eager to please others.  To do what others wanted her to do.  It was part of her nature to be helpful, and she usually had a positive attitude about making herself useful.  She often didn’t say no to things simply because she didn’t want to.  But there were other times when family members or friends asked her to do things she wasn’t good at, or didn’t enjoy, or things that weren’t right, and she had a more difficult time saying no in those situations.  During college she had gotten pretty good about saying no to things she knew she shouldn’t participate in, but otherwise she had mostly lived to please others.  Sometimes for good, but sometimes not.  Often to the point where she was left feeling resentful of those who had pressured her into this or that, or were unappreciative of her efforts.

One thing she had appreciated about Levi, especially after she got older and became more aware of how unhealthy men’s minds could be, was the fact he had never suggested or attempted any kind of intimacy between them before they were married.  Levi was a handsome man.  He could have had his way with her.  She may have said no to other guys at that age, but Levi had wooed her to a point of complete vulnerability with him, and she had been very eager to please him.  Fortunately he hadn’t taken advantage of that.

Being in ministry with him hadn’t been about pleasing him either.  He could make his way around a church and run it just fine without any help from her, and he had never demanded her participation in anything.  But he hadn’t protected her from others taking advantage of her and coercing her into doing things she had neither the desire nor gifts to do.  Occasionally she had talked to him about her frustrations and feelings of inadequacy, but he would always say, ‘I’m sure you’re doing fine.  In a few weeks it will all be over.  Sometimes God wants to stretch us out of our comfort zone.  This isn’t about us, Sarah; It’s about God and His Kingdom.’

Well, she had grown weary of all the stretching and sacrificing and the ‘only a few more days to go’.  Looking back now, it was like one big blur of exhausting, unfulfilling ministry.  She hadn’t enjoyed it.  She believed God had used her efforts and her toil had not been in vain, but she had been miserable.  It had been about everyone else, not her and Jesus.

But this, standing here with Andrew and worshiping God with an act of trust and genuine belief He had brought them together and they had nothing to be ashamed of no matter what anyone else thought: that brought her joy.  It brought tears, a lump in her throat she could barely sing past, and some anxiety about what others thought, but mostly it brought her joy.  Joy in Andrew’s loving touch, and joy in immersing herself in the unconditional love and presence of God.  She wasn’t just talking about God’s love, or reading about it, or sharing it with others; She was standing in it, swimming in it, drowning in it.  She was in the reality of it like she had never been so aware of before.

“I love you, Sarah,” Andrew whispered, and she would have sworn she heard Jesus saying it too.

They were seated after that song, and she took some tissue out of her purse to wipe her eyes and nose, but when she sat back against the seat again, she leaned into Andrew’s side, and he held her against him.  Someone sang a solo, followed by some reading of Scripture, and Sarah smiled when she heard some familiar words spoken by the worship leader for the week.  He had been exceptionally good, she thought.  Very authentic and real about worship, mixing a good blend of hymns and older choruses with more modern worship music.  Her church had made some strides in that area in the last few years, but she knew they had some progress to make and barriers to overcome.