Obsession (Forbidden #2) (32 page)

‘No…’ she whispers, shaking her head, and her eyes are bright with tears, her cheeks damp where some have already started to fall.

‘I wanted to fight for you, baby, I really did. I still do, Jesus, I still fucking do. And if I thought I had any chance of winning…’ I gently wipe some of her tears away, our eyes locking as my thumb trails over her wet skin. ‘But I don’t have a chance. Do I?’

She breaks the stare and pulls away from me.

I have her answer.

Game over.

Kira

I can’t tell him what he wants to hear. And they’re words I want to be able to say, but I can’t. Because they wouldn’t be true. And I’ve hurt him enough.

‘You’ll keep an eye on Joey for me, won’t you?’

He smiles, and I feel my heart break a little bit more. This man could have given me everything. This man could have been my new beginning. But instead I’m choosing to go back, to a past chapter in my life that I never got to finish. And I have no idea how any of it is going to work out, I just know I can’t move anywhere until Jon and I have taken our chance – a chance we’ve been trying to take for almost fifteen years.

‘I don’t think Joey needs keeping an eye on, but, yeah. I’ll make sure he behaves.’

‘Joey was always on your side, you know.’

‘Well, that’s because he has great taste.’

I smile back at him, and for a brief second the mood lifts, but all too soon we both remember where this is heading, and that darkness descends once more. ‘He won’t agree with what I’m doing.’

‘Because he cares about you. He worries about you.’

‘I’m sorry if you end up becoming a sounding board for him.’

‘It’s fine, Kira. Joey’s a friend. We’re business partners. He’s gonna talk to me a lot.’

I smile again, even though I’m terrified of telling Joey any of this. The last thing he wants me to do is hold on to any part of my past, even if it’s only a tiny part. But Jon isn’t really a tiny part. He’s most of it. ‘I should go.’

‘If you want to come by and collect your things tomorrow, I can make sure I’m out. I’ve got meetings all day and…’

I watch as he drops his head, and another flood of overwhelming sadness washes over me.

‘They’re gonna miss you, Kira. At the gallery.’

He looks back up and our eyes meet. But I can’t say anything. The words I really want to say are all jumbled up inside my head and I can’t seem to form them properly enough to let them out. So I stay silent.

‘I hope you stay in New York. Even if it’s just for a little while.’

‘Maybe. Like I said, I’m not sure where we’re gonna go, but…’

‘Kira…’

I cup his cheek and lean in to kiss him one more time. One
last
time. ‘Don’t, Neal. Please.’

He pulls me into his arms and I fall against him, but it’s too late. The memories Jon made me relive when he turned up here, they’re too engrained in my head now. Too vivid and real and I can’t shut them down. Not now. Doing that was never an option in the first place. What I shared with him was more than I have ever shared with anybody; the secrets, the lies, the love… It’s too much to forget. I was naïve to think I could.

‘I’m so sorry, baby,’ I whisper, trailing my fingers over his cheek, his beautiful blue eyes wet with tears and I hate what I’m doing here.
 
I hate it with every part of my heart and soul, but I have to do it. I have to. I have no choice. ‘I’m sorry.’

I can’t run any more.

And I know going back isn’t always a wise thing to do. Joey’s going to tell me that. Benni’s going to tell me that.

But I have no choice.

Because, for me, going back is the only way I’ll ever be able to move forward.

Twenty-Nine

Neal

‘You called off the dogs yet?’

Barry looks at me and frowns, but he knows exactly what I’m talking about. ‘Sorry?’

‘Your fucking lawyers, Barry. Kira’s left me, you got what you wanted, so, have you told them to back off?’

He sits down on the edge of my desk and I eye him warily. I just don’t trust him as much as I used to. ‘You’re still running the club though, right?’

‘It’s a business, Barry. And a good one. Have you looked at the books, huh? Have you seen how much money that place is making me?’

I’m not giving up on The Playroom. Our private playroom has been shut down now, I have no use for it anymore. I can’t face going in there, given the memories it holds. But the club, that’s turning into a great business venture. Because that’s all it is to me now – cold, hard business. It doesn’t hold the same excitement or meaning it did when Kira was with me, but I’m not giving it up. I’d be stupid to do that. The Playroom, and Bam-Bams – me and Joey and Benni, we’re making one hell of a good living out of those places.

‘OK. I’ll call them off.’

I don’t say thanks. I’ve got nothing to be grateful to him for.

‘You alright?’

I slowly look back up at him. ‘What do
you
care?’

‘I’m your brother, Neal, of course I care. And everything I did… I only ever wanted what was best for you.’

I can’t help the derisive snort. ‘What was best for me was having her in my life. I was happy. Or doesn’t happiness come into it with you?’

‘Of course happiness comes into it… Come on, Neal. You’re not some lovesick teenager, you only knew her for five minutes…’

I kick my chair back and pull him off the desk by his shirt collar, slamming him back against the wall. ‘You don’t even get to
allude
to her, you got that? And don’t ever think you know what I felt for her, because you have no fucking idea. None.’

He holds up his hands and I let go of him, giving him one more push before I step back, raking an agitated hand through my hair. It’s only been a day since she left me, but it feels like I’ve been without her forever.

‘I’m sorry, Neal, OK?’

I sit down on the couch by the window and drop my head into my hands. ‘I don’t care if you’re sorry or not. It doesn’t change anything.’

He sits down beside me and I let him. I’m too tired for any more confrontation. I didn’t exactly sleep last night. I couldn’t. Every time I closed my eyes I saw images of Kira, and him, naked and fucking. I kept imagining what they were doing – was she sleeping in his arms the way she used to sleep in mine? Did she wake up this morning and still want to be with him? Because there’s still a huge part of me that can’t stop hoping she’ll change her mind and come running back to me.

‘Once you’ve got your head back in the game, bro, everything’ll start to come together again. You’ll see.’

I keep my head down, because I’m not buying his simplistic shit. Nothing’s gonna be that easy. Life after Kira Blu is gonna be tough and empty and hard. But he’s right in one respect – I
do
need to get my head back in the game. Work is all I have now. I’m not going back to the escorts or the soulless sex I once sought from them. Those days are over. Being with Kira made me realise that. I know I can love again, it’s just that, right now, I can’t love anyone but her.

I don’t want to.

Maybe one day I will.

But until that day happens, work is all I have.

Kira

I have to tell Joey, today. I have to tell him what I’m doing. And I’m scared – of his reaction, of him telling me what I’m doing is wrong. I’m scared. But
I
don’t think what I’m doing is wrong. I have to take this chance.

I turn over and gently run my fingers down Jon’s back as he sleeps, and I can’t help smiling. He always used to sleep on his stomach even though, most times, he’d usually fall asleep on his back. But, somehow, he’d always wake up on his stomach. And that’s a memory that’s waited until right now to show itself.

I watch his sleeping face, both arms up by his head, his mouth slightly open as he breathes quietly, his fingers clenching the pillow tight and I wonder if he’s dreaming. About what the hell we’re supposed to do next.

I get up quietly, because I don’t want to disturb him yet. I need a bit of time to think; to get my head around the fact I’m waking up next to
him
this morning, and not Neal. And for a second I wonder what Neal’s doing now.

I look over at the clock on the wall. It’s almost nine-thirty, which means he’ll be at the gallery. He never goes to the club this early. It’s usually late afternoon before he even thinks about going there. So he’ll be at the gallery. And my heart aches as I think about what I’ve given up, to be with Jon; the life I could have had, for one I know nothing about. Jon and me, we don’t know what we’re doing. We don’t even know where we’re going. We just know that we need to be together.

I rest my forehead against the window as I look out on to the streets of New York. We’re not far from Times Square here in Jon’s hotel, and I smile as I remember the night Neal first took me there. How incredible I thought it was, all lit up and loud. I kept telling him how beautiful I thought it was, and he kept telling me how beautiful
I
was. It was one of my first nights here in this city. And now I’m about to experience some of my last. Without him.

I place a hand against the glass as I continue to stare outside, not really taking anything in now. All I can see are people rushing about, the roads busy with traffic. It’s just moving pictures, I’m not concentrating on anything, I can’t.

I close my eyes for a couple of beats, keeping my hand and my forehead pressed against the glass for a little while longer before I finally pull away and go back over to the bed.

He’s still sleeping, and I lie back down beside him and stroke his back again, leaning over to lightly kiss his shoulder. I want him to wake up now. And as I kiss his shoulder again he begins to stir, shifting slightly, so I press my hand a little harder against his back. ‘Hey, sleepyhead.’

He laughs quietly, but doesn’t make any attempt to move, so I straddle him, pushing myself down on to him as I lean over and kiss the space just below his ear, nipping his earlobe with my teeth.

‘Oh, babe, you are so fucking
wet
,’ he groans.

‘Am I making you hard?’ I murmur, my mouth still resting against his ear as my fingers slide between his.

‘You bet your beautiful arse you are, darlin’.’

I let go and roll off him, on to my back, and he’s between my legs in a second, his hands holding mine, keeping them up by my head.

‘Is this how you wake people up now, huh?’

‘Pretty much.’

He laughs again, a rougher, huskier laugh than Neal’s, but it still sends a shiver coursing through me. ‘Is this gonna last, then? Being woken up by a beautiful ex-escort who fucks like a dirty frigging angel?’

‘That all depends on you, Mr Ryan.’

He arches an eyebrow, then pounces on me, which makes me scream and laugh out loud as he playfully bites my shoulder before kissing me, long and slow. And I feel his fingers squeeze mine tight as the kiss deepens, my stomach contracting with every move of his mouth against mine. I can still hardly believe he’s here; hardly believe the impact his reappearance in my life has had. And neither of us knows what’s really going to happen, because the things we’ve still yet to overcome; the subjects we need to address, they’re things neither of us has even attempted to bring up yet. But we have to. We both know that. Just, not right now.

I arch my back as his mouth moves down, his hands still holding on to mine as he kisses the base of my throat, but then he lets go of me and takes hold of my hips and I breathe in deep as he moves lower, the anticipation making my skin break out in goose bumps.

‘Open those beautiful legs wider, kid,’ he murmurs, that soft scouse accent of his making my stomach flip over, because I remember how strong it was when we first met, when he first moved to the north east; when we were just kids. It’s gotten softer and less prominent as he’s gotten older.

I slowly open my legs a little wider and he takes hold of my knees, keeping them apart, and my stomach clenches as I wait for the inevitable. And when his warm mouth touches me I gasp, my body jerking slightly as he licks me, his tongue probing and searching places it hasn’t been to in a long while.

Gripping the pillows tight between my fingers I close my eyes and arch my back even more, but he wants me to raise my hips now. He moves a hand underneath my bottom, pushing me up slightly so he has more access, and I moan quietly as he pulls me apart and moves his tongue further back, then forwards until he’s circling my clit, nipping it between his teeth, and I can’t stop the cries of pleasure from escaping. It’s a beautiful, almost comforting feeling. It’s like coming home to something familiar, yet different. It’s so hard to explain, what’s happening here, because I still haven’t quite got my head around it all. I just know that I made the right decision. I think.

I feel those white-hot tingles start to take hold and I push myself against him as his tongue probes harder, deeper, and I wait for the climax to hit. And when it does he stays exactly where he is as I come in short, sharp waves, one after the other, and he’s drinking me in, swallowing me down, and I can’t remember the last time he did this. The last time he went down on me. He never used to do it that often, not even when he was pretending to be nothing more than my client. But it feels so good he better be thinking of doing it more.

He lowers me back down and I keep my eyes closed for a second or two as I try to catch my breath, but I’m aware of him beside me now; of his fingers lightly touching my breasts, his thumb flicking over my nipples as he kisses me gently. But I’m kind of done with gentle, and in an action so quick he had no chance of seeing it coming I flip him over on to his back and straddle him, taking him in my hand and guiding him inside me, sinking down on to him. And his groans fill the room, loud and long and low as I ride him hard and slow, at first. But then I ramp up the rhythm, pick up speed and ride him faster and harder until he’s coming in a succession of jerks and thrusts, my muscles gripping him as tight as I can as he spills out inside of me in what feel like never ending spurts.

‘Jesus fucking
Christ
, kid. I’d forgotten how frigging good you were at this.’

I lean over and kiss his mouth, the taste of me still lingering on his lips. ‘I told you, Jonny. I’m not the same girl you fell in love with all those years ago. You watched me change, and you know why I had to. You know the old me is never coming back. So you have to be sure you want
this
version of me.’

‘The sexy-as-hell, beautiful one who gives great sex and likes playing dirty?’

‘
Really
dirty,’ I whisper, my mouth resting against his, breathing him in.

‘You don’t think I
want
that?’

‘I’m being serious, Jon. If we stand any chance of this working, it’s a new me you’re getting. Even the escort days are behind me now. But, you know, some of the stuff I learned during my time doing that job, it would be a shame to let all of that go to waste.’

He grins, and I smile back, and his hands hold tight on to my hips as he raises me up slightly and pulls out of me, but he’s still hard. And I still want him. I’m not done yet.

‘Such a shame…’

I edge backwards, pushing his knees up as I dip my head.