Oak, Sophie - Away From Me (Siren Publishing Classic) (6 page)

“Because I know how hard it was when Cassie died. I didn’t want to put you through that again. I was going to leave no matter what you said. I just wanted to know. I knew the truth. I had to hear it from you, so I could move on with my life.”

Her words made Cal’s head start to pound. How could she have been thinking of moving on, when all he’d been thinking about was her? “And it didn’t matter that I cared about you? It didn’t matter that I had built a life with you at the center?”

Her short brown hair shook as she sighed. “I was incidental to your life, Cal. I was something you collected, like your art.”

“How can you say that?” He didn’t like the accusation. “I took care of you. I made sure you had everything you needed.”

“And you cancelled most of the plans we made,” she said softly. There was no real heat behind her words. It seemed like something she had accepted a long time ago. “I remember our first anniversary. I planned an amazing meal. I made your favorite lasagna. I put on a French maid’s outfit and waited. Do you remember what happened?”

His face flushed. “I called you from the airport on my way to New York.”

“And my birthday?”

“I’m sure I forgot that altogether.”

She pushed her salad around on her plate, and he wished he’d never asked the original question. She’d been so happy talking about her work. “Your admin remembered. I should have known it was her. She sent me roses.”

He would never have bought her roses. “You hate roses. You like lilies.”

“I do,” she replied. “I guess your admin didn’t have a list of my favorite things.”

Now he did what came naturally. He reached out and took her hand. It was time to open up to her. He’d hated the last ten months with a passion. He was more than willing to apologize if it bought him a second’s goodwill with her. Despite his earlier promise, he really wanted to end the evening buried deep inside her body.

“I am so sorry about that, Gaby. Maybe I did pay too much attention to work, but you were always in my thoughts. I got flustered at that meeting in New York because I missed you. Sometimes, I had to force myself to focus, because if I didn’t, I would have called you just to say hello or to find out what you were doing and what you were wearing. If you look back at our relationship, you’ll remember that I actually did that often. I called you when I was away, just to hear your voice. Oh, I made up excuses. I gave you lists of things to do, but mostly, I just wanted to know you were there. And I wanted to pretend you were naked.”

“I’m sure I was wearing very little at the time,” she said with a wistful smile.

“That was my hope.” He squeezed her hand, a little afraid to let it go. “I know I didn’t show it, Gaby, but you were the center of my world. I thought I was building a life for us.”

“But you didn’t want to marry me or have children with me,” she said quietly. Her eyes were soft as she shook her head. “There wasn’t a future in that for me.”

He felt his mouth firm in frustration. He felt a little trapped, though, strangely, not by Gaby. Cal suddenly realized this was a trap of his own making. “Does it have to be mapped out? Why couldn’t we just be happy? Why do we have to bring a bunch of kids into the equation?” The very thought of children made his throat close up. Children were fragile. Children were small and vulnerable. Women still died giving birth. He couldn’t handle that.

She pulled her hand out of his. Her posture became rigid, and he missed her previous comfort. “We don’t have to do anything, Cal. We aren’t together anymore. You don’t have to worry about me having your unwanted babies.”

His fist hit the table. “Damn it, Gaby. I didn’t say that. You never once mentioned that you wanted kids before the night you left me. Can you let me catch up?”

“Will you?” She seemed more curious than truly interested in his answer to the question.

“I don’t know,” he muttered, irritated at the way the conversation had gone.

“It’s okay.” Her hands came out to cover his. She was so quick to comfort him. “Forget I said anything, Cal. How long are you here?”

“A week.” He loved the way her hands felt against his. He had one week to try to win her back.

“Can we shelve the relationship stuff? Look, Cal, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about us. I’m not sure we were ever going to work. It’s just as much my fault as yours. I pretended to be something I’m not. I’m not as submissive as I played at. I like it for sex. I’m more independent now. I went through something that made me understand how strong I am. I’m not a slave anymore.”

“I never thought of you that way.”

She took a deep breath. “But a slave is what you seem to need. I should never have gotten involved with you. I wasn’t what you needed.”

He was startled at the very thought. She had been everything he needed. He’d been as happy as he could have imagined himself being for the years they were together. At first, it had been about sex and comfort, but after about six months, he’d gotten comfortable and settled into the relationship.

“You were exactly what I needed. I wasn’t what you needed.”

She’d been right. She’d played the role of his wife to perfection. She’d kept his house, hosted his parties and dinners, and kept the books. He’d never had to worry about anything beyond work. Between Gaby and his longtime assistant, Helen, he’d been covered on every front. Now, he wondered how hard it had been on her to think of herself essentially as an employee rather than a beloved female.

Her mouth curled up in the semblance of a smile. “I thought I needed you. It’s funny now. I was twenty-six and so sure that I knew what I was doing. I was sure that you just needed time. I met you and decided you were the one for me.”

He remembered the night like it was yesterday. Greg had introduced them. He’d heard about Heather’s close friend for months, but he hadn’t cared. He wasn’t ready for anything like a relationship. Cassie had only been gone for a year. It was far too soon to think about anything beyond his physical needs. He’d been annoyed that he had to meet her. He didn’t want to be polite to one of Heather’s friends. All of that had changed the minute he looked at her. She’d smiled shyly at him, and he was lost.

“I knew you didn’t want anything serious…”

He cut her off. “I signed a contract with you two weeks after we met. I know I wasn’t interested in marriage, but that contract was serious to me.”

She took a sip of her drink and nodded, obviously conceding the point. “All right. I’ll rephrase. I knew you weren’t interested in anything beyond a D/s relationship.”

He hated the way she put that but forced himself to remain silent. He wasn’t going to win her over by arguing semantics.

“So I became your perfect sub,” she explained. “I’d never been in a twenty-four seven relationship before. I never even wanted one, but I knew it was the only way to keep you, so I tried it. I was really arrogant. I thought that if I became exactly what you wanted, you would love me. I thought we’d be married and have some kids and everything would be perfect.”

“I never promised you that.” He’d promised her the exact opposite.

“I know. It’s all right, Cal. I’m trying to explain. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I knew what you wanted, and I tried to change you anyway. You told me you would never love another woman, and I arrogantly thought I could change your mind.” She sat back in her chair. Her shoulders straight, her head held high. “I was wrong to do that to you. I knew from the moment I met you that I wanted to marry you and have babies with you. I should have honored your feelings and walked away that night.”

He swallowed a long drink of Scotch. He wouldn’t have let her walk away. He’d known he had to have her.

“Instead, I forced us both to waste three years of our lives. So, I want you to know that I don’t hate you. I’m pissed at myself, but I certainly don’t hate you. You couldn’t help the fact that I wasn’t someone you could love. I know you feel bad because you didn’t know about the cancer.”

“You didn’t tell me,” he growled the accusation.

“Hey,” she said softly. It was the voice she used to soothe him. “I didn’t want to worry you. It wasn’t your problem. It was mine. I knew it would bring back all kinds of bad memories. You didn’t need to go through losing someone again.”

His hands clenched. He wanted her to hold his hands again. “That wasn’t your call to make, Gaby. You should have told me. You should have told me the minute you suspected something was wrong. I would have taken care of it. I would have taken care of you. I consider it tantamount to lying that you kept this from me.”

She shrugged. The negligent gesture enraged him. It took everything he had not to toss her over his shoulder and find someplace more private. “I wasn’t anything more than a nice body in bed with you, Cal. You wouldn’t think my body was so nice after chemo decimated me. And you were right. You don’t like silicone. You wouldn’t want me now. I saved myself some heartache. I have no doubt you would have done your duty by me. But that was all it would have been.”

“God damn it, Gaby,” he practically shouted. He slapped at the table, making everything on it jump. “Give me some fucking credit.”

He flushed as he realized he’d lost his temper in front of a roomful of guests. Eyes were curious all around him. He could tell that his anger wasn’t intimidating to Gabrielle in the least. She practically rolled her eyes at him. It made his hands shake with the need to turn her little rear over his knee and reintroduce her to the boss. His little sub needed a spanking.

“Calm down, Cal,” she said in an even voice that set his temper on edge.

He leaned forward. “I am trying to be fair with you, Gaby. I’m trying to have a conversation about this rather than giving you a lecture.”

“How very kind of you.” There was a quirky smile on her face.

Her perky ass wasn’t all he’d smack. He’d spank her pussy, too. He’d slap at it until she begged him to let her come. By the time he was through punishing her, she wouldn’t be thinking of anything having to do with her illness or her insecurities. All that would be left was the driving need to orgasm. Gaby might not understand it, but she needed their relationship more than ever. “Don’t push me, pet. I won’t hesitate to redden your rear in front of these people. They won’t help you.”

Gaby frowned, but he got a blush out of her. “I am not yours to discipline anymore.”

The last bit was said with no small amount of hesitance. It was still in her nature to mind him. He still had a shot. He knew his smile was slightly feral. He wanted her to sense the predator he kept carefully hidden behind designer suits. Maybe she hadn’t really known him. He’d never been forced to pursue her, so she’d never been treated to the beast he knew he had inside him.

“That is not your decision to make, Gaby. You can take the collar off, but I’ll put it right back on now that I understand why you left. I fully intend to have that collar around your neck by the time I leave here. You’ll be on the plane beside me.”

Now she turned the slightest bit white. Color fled from her face, and her fingers tightened around the fork in her hand. “Cal, I understand you want to punish me,” she started.

He made sure his eyes were very serious as he interrupted her. “This isn’t about punishing you, Gabrielle. This is about making things right. We should never have split up. I was wrong to allow you to leave. You left under a misconception. I intend to correct it.”

Her mouth tightened. “Do you have any idea how arrogant you sound? Allow me to leave? I wasn’t under a misconception, Cal. We had a difference of opinion. I wanted to get married, and you didn’t.”

His heart pounded, but he forced his face to remain relaxed. He’d known this was what he needed to do, and he intended to do it. He’d made a terrible mistake ten months back. Gaby could argue all she liked that she would have left no matter what, but he knew differently. He’d spent the last two weeks thinking about what he owed his submissive. Once he decided what he owed Gaby, he’d known his path was chosen, no matter what promises he’d made in the past. He had an obligation to her. “I’ve changed my mind. We’ll stop in Vegas on our way home.”