Nuklear Age (44 page)

__________

Atomik Lad’s crimson field of energy soared them over the majestic skyscrapers of Metroville. Rachel’s arms were wrapped around his neck and shoulders. She watched the red tinted world float around her. “I don’t think I could
ever
get tired of this,” she said to him with a smile he could only feel.

“Eh, you get used to it,” he said like a hard-boiled veteran of gravity defiance.

“Is that so?”

“Oh sure. It’s just like walking. Only flying.”

She gave him a little squeeze. “It’s so beautiful up here. You look down at the city and everything’s so quiet and still down there, like its all dead or something.”

“Gee, what a depressing way to put it.”

She laughed. “And how would you put it, Mr. ‘It’s just like walking, only flying’? Hmm? Impart me with some more of that wisdom will you?”

“With the ground crawling by down there, and the clouds just sort of hovering up there, and this field keeping me apart from everything, I feel like I’m completely motionless while the world moves inexorably around me. I’m up here, completely alone and powerless to affect any of it, just watching and waiting for the inevitable death the universe has conspired to give me. And when I’m gone, the earth down there and the clouds up there will keep going like I was never here.”

“And you called
mine
depressing?”

“It’s this damn field. I can’t feel the wind, I can’t relate to what’s outside it, nothing out there can touch me, so I’m in my own little world in here, completely separated from everything else. Invincible and alone.”

“
I’m
in here.”

He opened his mouth to reply, but didn’t do so right away. “Yeah. I guess you are. Hang on, the Silo’s right down there.”

__________

“Ohhhhhhh whisakey, whisakey, whisakey, whisakey, whisakey—HOI!” the whole bar sang in dis-unison, led by the efforts of two Ironclad Warriors standing on the bar and still barely a head taller than the crowd around them. They swayed in time to the joyous song. It flowed over and through them like cool and calming ocean waves, but without the icky wrinkled skin that comes with it.

And, although he wasn’t entirely sure how or when it happened, Angus’s armor was back on the right way and appeared to be in perfect working order. “Aye!” Angus cheered. “Oh, Whisakey. Is there anythin’ ye
can’t
do?” he asked, kissing the mug of precious whisakey.

“Hai. No cannot, Whisakey-san stayed alone in stomach without many tigers of men drinking whereafter more!” Shiro answered, giving his whisakey bowl a bow of respect.

Angus let loose a mighty guffaw. “Aye, laddie. Aye. Ah couldn’t put it better meself!”

__________

Rachel walked around the Danger: Living Room, gazing at all its technological wonders. The futuristic decor, the dazzling blinking lights, and, “What’s with all these Danger labels?”

Atomik Lad sighed deeply from the Danger: Kitchen. “They’re Nuke’s idea.”

“I figured that. Buy
why
are they?”

“He says they make us better heroes.”

“How?”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t ask. He says it trains us to be more alert and ‘ever-vigilanter’ because we’re ‘surrounded by Danger.’”

She stifled a laugh. “Tell me you’re not serious.”

“I wish I could.”

“Heh. Well, how about all these blinking lights everywhere? They look important, what do they do?”

“Well, they look important. Other than that, as far as I can tell, they blink if they’re working. The ones that don’t are malfunctioning.”

“So they serve no practical purpose?”

“Well, when we had them installed, it finally made Nuke shut up about getting them installed. That’s damn practical, if you ask me.”

She giggled while leaning on the Danger: Couch.

Atomik Lad came out of the Danger: Kitchen with a Danger: Bag of Chips and a couple Danger: Cans of Zap Cola. “Shall we retire to the game room?”

“Yes,” Rachel answered. “Yes we shall.”

__________

Issue 35 – The Mechanical Revolution Begins! And Ends!

“Why are the video games in Danger: Katkat’s Room?” she asked.

Atomik Lad hunched over in defeat for a moment. “I’ve gotten the impression Nuke is trying to turn Katkat into a sidekick. It seems part of that means handing down all my stuff to him whether or not I want to or even know about it.”

“That’s really weird.”

“Yeah, it ain’t normal. Anyway, let the games begin.” He took a step forward and the Danger: Door
fwoosh
ed open.

“Speakin’ of ain’t normal,” Rachel said as they walked inside.

Atomik Lad was stunned. His Danger: TV was on. It showed a black screen with white text fading in and out softly. “Thank you for playing Eschaton Dream VI. You are Victorious.”

Rachel turned to him, her face a mixture of awe and surprise. “You beat Eschaton Dream VI? That’s amazing. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Atomik Lad tore his gaze from the screen and met Rachel with the same look she had just given him only with his face ‘cause otherwise would be really gross and mean. “But I haven’t beaten it. I couldn’t figure out the final puzzle. I tried to, Lord knows I tried, for weeks I just kept going around in circles, but I finally got tired of it and haven’t played since. That was months ago.”

“But. How?”

Atomik Lad set the refreshments on his bed and moved in to examine his game console. “What the hell?”

“What?” Rachel joined him. “Oh my.”

Katkat was sound asleep on the Danger: Floor using a Danger: Game Pad as a pillow.

“But,” Atomik Lad muttered while his brain systematically fell to pieces. “How could he? The buttons. Thumbs. He doesn’t. What?”

Katkat was startled awake from the noise of his visitors. He blinked, yawned, and stretched his cute little limbs as far as they would go. He rolled over, stood up, and sniffed the Danger: Game Pad. He gave it a few cautious taps with his paws and pounced on it, gnawing at the buttons. They tussled for a few seconds before Katkat decided he was victorious. Purring, he set about grooming himself.

“He
couldn’t
have,” Atomik Lad said.

Katkat hopped up and gallivanted out of his room.

“It’s impossible. Isn’t it?” Rachel asked.

Atomik Lad picked up the Danger: Game Pad and cradled it. “I gave you a home, I gave you a name,
brave
Excalibur. Yet this, this is how you choose to repay me? Drat I say, drat unto you and unto your sons for a hundred generations yet born. A drat on your house until the sun is as sack cloth and the moon is as blood!”

“You done yet?”

He gave a shallow and somber sigh. “...Yes.”

“Okay then.” She put Horseshoe Hand Grenades 3D into the mighty video game machine. “Can you give me a few minutes to get used to the controls? I’ve only played the arcade version.”

“Sure,” he said with a shaky voice and left the Danger: Room like a whisper on the winds of a graveyard overgrown with neglect. He drifted to the Danger: Living Room Danger: Couch and fell into it, staring blankly into the Danger: TV’s dead screen. Katkat hopped onto the Danger: Coffee Table. He eyed the sidekick with feline curiosity, which one should expect from a cat.

“Mew?”

“Feh. Lousy cat, unlocking secrets of the ancients. Who asked for your help anyway?”

“Mew?” Katkat asked, jumping the gap between Danger: Table and Danger: Couch. He nearly missed even though the chasm was barely two feet wide. Atomik Lad cracked a smiled and scratched Katkat behind his ears.

“Hm, what’s this?” Atomik Lad asked himself out loud. A piece of paper was crumpled up on the Danger: Table. He picked it up and unfurled it. “Great. A note from Nuke. Let’s see.”

Sparky, if you have managed to uncover this Danger: Message, then you have successfully mastered the Danger: Way of Hyper-dimensional Space, the final technique of Danger: Nukedo. I can teach you no more. You must leave the Danger: Temple of Solitude and travel the world imparting unto others the wisdom you have gained here.

Atomik Lad rubbed his temples. “Twit.”

But in case you’re wondering, Dr. Menace sued us for destruction of property.

“What?!”

Don’t worry, I’ve thought of everything. I’m rustlin’ us up some legal dude and Norman is fetching us a little something I like to call “insurance” if you know what I mean, and I know you do.

“No I don’t, you idiot.”

But I have said enough, for these are matters of the temple which no longer concern you. Think now only of the journeys that await you. Fulfill your Danger: Destiny.

“Why me? I mean, seriously. What did I do?”

__________

Ima’s Scientific: Telespatial Extramobile Communication Device rang. Other than the tubes sticking out of it at odd angles filled with lightning that sparked in time with the La Cucaracha ringtone, it looked a lot like an ordinary cell phone. She huffed and leaned over the Magnotable to fetch it from a stack of computer printouts she’d brought to look over in her spare time. “Hello?”

“Dr. Genius?”

“Oh, Atomik Lad. Yes, what can I do for you?”

“I’m not sure really. You see, Nuke got this letter.”

“You mean that birthday card? I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you on that, but according to our KI scan, it doesn’t even exist yet. We’ve been having problems with the KI-o-matic lately, I’ll personally recalibrate it next week and we’ll have another go at that letter.”

“No, this is a new letter.”

“Really? Excellent. Bring it by the office Monday. We’ll cross-reference the data from it with the first one.”

“No, it’s a subpoena from Dr. Menace. Apparently, she’s suing us for destruction of property. The trial is Monday.”

“Well now. That was unexpected.”

“Yeah. Nuke isn’t here either. I think he’s looking for a lawyer.”

“Those vampires will suck him dry.”

“Maybe, but I’m more worried about Norman.”

“Me too.”

“Oh?”

“He just called a few minutes ago asking me for the security clearance codes to the animal testing wing of Überdyne.”

“Wait, you do animal testing?”

“KI testing. We’re making sure animals are really animals and not super advanced beings using us as slave labor. We put them in a comfortable box, do a few harmless scans, and they’re out in a matter of minutes. I really should work on our KI-o-matic. So far we haven’t been terribly successful with cats. We can’t prove they’re actually in the box. Anyway, I asked Norman why he wanted the codes.”

“And?”

“Something about insurance for Nuke’s plan. He wouldn’t tell me what it was though.”

“This is only going to get worse before it gets better.”

“Yeah. Looking back, I really shouldn’t have given him the codes.”

__________

Meanwhile, deep in the blackened out heart of the Abandoned Warehouse District, Dr. Menace stepped into the pale glow of a man-sized canister filled with a luminescent green liquid that bubbled occasionally. She tapped at the glass and a small surge of bubbles burbled. An indistinct dark green shape floated inside the canister. She checked a few readouts as they scrolled across the Evil: Computer Console next to her Evil: Containment Vessel. “Yez. Exzellent progrezz.”

The dark green mass bubbled an answer.

“Ah, patience darling. Patienze. Soon, you shall be ready. And then they will
all
be powerlezz before me!”

Another bubble.

“Yez, powerlezz before
us
. Of courze you know that iz what I
meant
to say. You can tell becauze I am correcting myzelf now. Ahem, as I waz saying: They will cower like vermin suddenly cazt into the zunlight. The zunlight of my Evil: Domination, that iz!”

She pondered for a moment and took a small tape recorder from one of her many pockets. “Evil note to self, do not compare Evil: Domination to zunlight. Some metaphors were simply not meant to be.”

The dark green mass bubbled its agreement.

__________

Rachel ducked as the horseshoe-shaped explosive charge sailed over her head. “Heh, sucker. You missed me by a week and a half there, Sparky. You’ve gotta be more precise when you’re using the Horseshoe Cannon.”

Atomik Lad weaved between some arbitrarily placed columns to avoid the blasts from Rachel’s retaliation.

“You do have a point. The Horseshoe Cannon does require incredible precision. Oh, by the way, you might want to duck again.”

“What?” She turned around just in time to see a Horseshoe Cannon round smack into her face before her half of the screen was bathed in flames. Game Over flashed across the fiery display. “But!”

Atomik Lad gave a gloating grin. “The Horseshoe Cannon really is a tough weapon to handle. It only shoots one round at a time, it’s got high recoil, an insane muzzle velocity, and most peculiar of all, its shots have a certain tendency to veer toward the right which, when fired at the proper trajectory, gives it a certain boomerang quality.”

“You sneaky son of a….”

“Yes?” He relished her loss.

“Grumble.
Rematch
.”

__________

Several hours later.

“Don’t fail me now, Excalibur!”

“Forsooth, mighty Gram, slay thine foe!”

“Gram?” Atomik Lad asked while evading a volley of Horseshoe Magnet Grenades by strafing through the Metal Shop.

“Sword of the Volsungs, wielded by Sigurd to defeat the dragon. Never mind. Just get back here so I can rend your flesh with my Razor Horseshoe Flak Blaster.”

“Not this time, hon.”

She heard the familiar
ka-thoom
of the Horseshoe Cannon and promptly ducked, barely avoiding the round as it flew through the air where her torso had been. “Missed me,” she sang while remaining down in order to avoid the boomerang effect. Her nervous system twitched as ancient hunter-gatherer instincts told her it was taking a little too long.

“Nighty night,” Atomik Lad said. He lobbed a simple Horseshoe Hand Grenade from the sneaky and cheap safety of the shadows. “Advantage: Sparky,” he said as it exploded right in front of Rachel.